Never Say Goodbye (11 page)

After what feels like forever, he loosens his grip on me and I climb off, holding back my tears.
Shit, shit, shit. I don’t have
my car. I need distance and I don’t have my fucking car!
    
“Ella.” Luke breathes as I scurry around his room, looking for something to cover my modesty. He’s sitting up looking at me, his green eyes filled with worry. He seriously takes my breath away. I stop and stare for just a second.
Holy
fucking shit.
I’ve lost my virginity and now
he’s
told me he’s leaving in two weeks. Before I know it, I’m on the floor in a crumpled heap, holding his sweatpants close to my chest. I sob into the comfort of them and his warm arms cradle me.
    
“Breathe, Ella.” Luke strokes along my upper arm, I breathe slowly in and out, letting the air flow through my lungs.
    
“Luke.” I sob. “I’ve got no place to go without you, it’s just too much, and I’ve just given myself to you, God.” I say the last word with rage. “I’ve fucking given myself to you!” I scream.
    
“Ella, please don’t curse at me!” He looks down at me, his face screwed up with anger. “You wanted to, I wanted to. We are both consenting adults.”
    
“THAT’S NOT THE FUCKING POINT!” I growl. “IF I KNEW YOU WERE GOING AWAY IN TWO MOTHER FUCKING WEEKS, I PROBABLY WOULDN’T HAVE GIVEN MYSELF UP TO YOU.” I jump to my feet, storm over to the bathroom, and close the door. I’m filled with rage. I put his sweats back on and pull on a bathrobe.
    
Putting my hands on either side of the sink, I scream into the mirror, looking at the stranger staring back at me. He’s bashing hard on the door but right now, I couldn’t really give a fuck.
    
“ELLA, LET ME IN!” He shouts.
    
“NO!”
    
“Please, Ella.” He begs. There’s a long silence and I listen intently for his next move. “Fine, have it your way.” Before I know it, the door is smashed open, shards of wood scatter to the floor, and the door is hanging on its bottom hinge.
What the fuck?
Luke has my head in his hands, kissing mercilessly at my mouth, pushing me hard up against the wall. I gasp at the impact.

No,
I don't want you. I
just can’t...help it.

My body gives in
and we are in a
state of passion and outrage. His tongue clashes with mine fiercely and we are smashing around his bathroom. He lifts me on to the vanity unit and a glass tumbler falls to floor, smashing into a million pieces. I briefly look away to assess the damage, he roughly pulls my chin back to look at him, and he stares at me. His stare just...melts me.
    
“God, Ella, You are mine.”
    
“What?” I whisper.
    
“M.I.N.E” He spells it out, each letter a staccato.
    
“How am I yours?” I look at him, my head tilted to the side playfully.
    
“You just are. Ella, I’m in love with you too.”
    
“What?” I say, breathing heavily now.
    
“You consume me, overwhelm me, You. Are. Mine.” He grabs my face and kisses me again - Hard. He pulls a remote from the drawer next to me and turns on the stereo. Bullet For My Valentine plays, ‘These Tears Don’t Fall. I know it so well.
Oh, angry music.
    
We kiss, desperately pleading with each other. He strips me, fast. My bathrobe yanked open, sweatpants off in seconds. He grabs both of my ankles, spreading my legs open and takes me again, but this time it’s hard, desperate. The lyrics catch me.
Would she hear me if I called
her name? Would she hold me if she knew my shame?
We’re
in an angry, passionate, erotic embrace, our bodies serving and working with each other. I writhe on the surface of his sink; my hips moving up to meet him. He thrusts into me hard and fast, completely filling me.
    
“Come for me, baby,” he whispers seductively into my ear, and on his cue, I climax, spiraling endlessly, and I scream as if for my life. He keeps up his pace, entering me over and over again, supplying me with multiple orgasms until he finds his release and holds me, my legs still shaking and my toes are numb.
Why are my toes so numb?
    
Our sweaty bodies hold each other.
He’s just taken me on his vanity unit.
Oh, my, God.
I look up
at him and
he
smirks then kisses me.
    
“Did you use a condom?” I blurt out and he looks down at me, shocked.
    
“Shit.” he whispers and looks at me panicked. “Of course I fucking did, Ella.” He slides out of me, releases me, and turns to wink at me.
Fucking arrogant pig!
    
“Oi!” I shout and watch his magnificent, flawless, muscled, godly body look back at me.
    
“Yes?” He asks sweetly.
    
“Where are you going?” I say, conscious of myself, still sitting butt naked on his vanity unit.
    
“To have a shower. Are you coming?” He asks, a grin across his face.
Now the fucking shower,
three
times already,
and
now the shower?
    
“Um yeah,
sure.” I submit,
gently easing
my sore body off the vanity unit. I follow him, staring at his ass as we make what feels like a mile walk to the end of the bathroom. When he turns to look at me, I look down at my fingers, embarrassed.
    
“Ella?” he raises my chin and I look into his beautiful emerald green eyes. “Are you okay?” he asks softly, his thumb tracing my lower lip.
    
“I guess.” I shrug.
    
“I need to know, Els, are you okay, baby?”
    
“No.” I answer, because it is in fact, the truth.
    
“Oh, Ellie.” He groans and pulls me close. “I meant it, I have fallen in love with you.” I search his eyes and he searches mine. We have seriously, royally fucked ourselves over.
    
“This is fucked up.” I whisper.
    
“I know, we will figure it out, Ellie, I promise.”
    
“I trust you.” I smile softly at him and he gently kisses my lips.
He puts his hands under my rear and lifts me up. I squeal and giggle and he laughs.
He sounds beautiful.
He takes me to the far end of the room where the shower is enclosed in a glass house. He gently places me in and I pout.
    
“Are you not getting in?” I smile.
    
“Of course, baby.” He smirks.
He stumbles in behind me and I look at the dials to turn the shower on.
Why are there like, five
dials for a shower?
He walks over to the far wall, hovers his hand over a black dot, and instantly water begins to fall from the ceiling. The whole ceiling is the shower; it’s beautiful, like rain.
    
“Whoa.” I gasp, and he walks over to me.
    
“Amazing, isn’t it?”
    
“Yes, it’s like it’s raining, but it’s warm.” I giggle. His hands cup my cheeks and he kisses me.
    
“Body wash and shampoo are over there.” He points with his chin to the far left corner, where there is a shelving unit of all sorts of products. I wander over and try find a floral smelling one. I move a shower gel and behind it is a girl’s one. It’s pink, with flowers on the bottle. I pick it up and turn to face him. I put my hand on my hip and try my hardest to look cute.
    
“Is this yours?” I laugh. He bows his head and looks back at me. “No, that was Jenna’s.” He sighs.
Oh
for
fucks sake.
I turn and put it back. I was not expecting
that.
    
“Did Jenna live here?” He looks at me with a look of horror on his face, which instantly changes to a frown as he strides towards me. He bends down to my ear and breathes in.
    
“No. She didn’t.”
    
“Then, why is her shower gel here?”
    
“I don't know.” He shrugs.
    
“You’re a shit liar.” I mumble.
    
“Don't curse at me, Ella!” He groans. “Listen, we need to have a chat about everything, how are you feeling? Are you feeling sore?”
How inappropriate.
    
“Yes.” I sigh.
    
“Come on, let’s shower.” He holds out his hand to me and pulls me close.

Kissing in the rain.

He leaves the shower, and before I can even think about my actions, I’m holding onto Jenna’s shower gel and squeezing every last drop down the drain. I drop it, satisfied, and exit the glass room.
    
It’s now technically a sauna.
I have no fucking idea how to turn it
off.
I wrap myself in a warm, fluffy, white towel,
and
quickly towel-dry my hair. I pad into the bedroom and Luke is nowhere to be seen. On the bed is my outfit from yesterday; folded neatly with a pair of shoes I’ve never seen before.
They’re not mine.
I look inside and the tag is still firmly attached. A brand new pair of pink Vans, just for me. I smile but feel guilty. I don’t want him buying me things. Even the size is right.
I don’t have any clean underwear, shit.
    
I open Luke’s top drawer and he has several pairs of Calvin Klein boxer shorts and neatly folded socks.
Jeez.
I pull out a pair and a small jewelry box falls to the floor. I slide on the boxers and leave the box on the floor. I really don’t want to know whom that was intended for. I find my bra under the bed, slip it on, and my vest top and jeans follow suit. I slip on my new Vans, satisfied when they fit me. I walk over to his full-length mirror and look at myself. I really don’t know how I feel. Pleased? Angry? I really don’t know. I’m distracted when my cell starts buzzing on the bedside table. It’s an unknown caller.
    
“Hello?”
    
“Ella...”
    
“Yes? Who is this?”
    
“Jenna.” She sighs. “Listen, Ella, you need to leave.”
    
“What? No, I don’t. How did you get my number?”
    
“Ella, Luke doesn’t love you, it was all a high school ploy, a bet, to see if he could get your fat ass into bed.” She spits at me.
    
“You’re a fucking liar.” I breathe and she laughs hysterically down the phone.
    
“No, I’m not. You’re the liar. You’re lying to yourself, girl.”
    
“Jenna, why are you saying these things?”
It can’t be true.
    
“Because I can.” she whispers.
    
“What? You just expect me to believe you?” I sigh.
    
“Ella, has he taken you yet? Has he told you he loves you? Taken you to the baseball field? Bought you a gift?” I start to shake uncontrollably just as Luke enters the room.
    
“Ella, are you okay?” He walks over to me and cups my face.
    
“Ask the bitch.” I mumble and shove my cell into his hands.
    
“Ella...what? Hello? Jenna, what the fuck?” I grab my bag and run down the stairs and towards the foyer doors.
How the fuck do I get
out?
I try the door and it’s locked. I really don’t want to be made a fool of. I stride over to the other side of the room, open the balcony doors, and step out.
Shit, it’s cold today.
I close the doors behind me quietly and fall to the floor.
I’m really
fucking fed up of crying.
    
Dry cries heave my body but I just can’t cry anymore. I take my iPod out of my bag and shove the headphones in my ears. Coldplay’s ‘The Scientist’ plays and I breathe slowly to the music. I stand and shuffle closer to the edge.
Shit,
this is high.
I look over and notice Luke’s car driving away.
    
“Oh, Fuck.” I mumble. He can’t be going after me. He didn’t even look. He can’t have, I’ve only been here a few minutes. I turn, open the balcony doors, and wander back in. I’m grateful for the heat, as I’m shivering from the cold. I make my way to the kitchen and sit on a stool. Coldplay sing to me.

Nobody said it was easy.

I help myself to some of Lucky Charms after searching for a bowl for too long. I found my cell on the kitchen counter. I flick through my phone, looking at the recent photos I’ve taken. There is one of Holly and me.
I really need to get that framed.
There is one of Luke, he’s sticking his tongue out at the camera and he looks carefree. I didn’t take this. He must have done it last night. I smile but a single inconvenient tear falls down my cheek. I rub it away and snap my phone shut. I hear a loud crash and voices screaming at each other.
    
“Luke, get off me!”
    
“No, you brought this on yourself, Jenna.” I instantly jump off the stool and run in the opposite direction to the voices. He's brought Jenna here.
Shit.
I try each door to my right, and none open but one. I open it and lock it from the other side. It’s a bathroom. I sigh and listen intently to the door.
    
“ELLA!” Luke screams and I hear him trying each door as I did. I back away. When he tries the handle on the bathroom, I hold my breath and he knocks gently.
    
“Ella, baby, I know you’re in there.”
    
“Go away.” I whisper.
    
“Ella, I’m not breaking another fucking door down! Let me in.” I sigh and unlock the door, against every instinct in my body. His arms are on the doorframe above his head. He looks down at me and sighs. “I didn’t know where you were.” He grumbles.
    
“I was on the balcony.”
    
“Why? It’s freezing outside.”
    
“I needed to think clearly.”
    
“Why?” His green eyes look sad, worried.
    
“Because everything becomes hazy around you, Luke. Jenna...she said...well, you probably know what she said. I know she’s here.”
    
“She’s in the dining room.” He whispers.
    
“Why?”
    
“I want her to apologize.” He drops his arms and shrugs.
    
“I don’t want her apology, she wants you.” I say, breathlessly.
    
“That’s a shame, because I want you.” His tone is matter-of-fact.
    
“Luke, you kissed her yesterday.” I shake my head with irritancy.
    
“I thought we sorted all that? I told you, Ella, it was a goodbye, but here she is trying her hardest to break us up.”
    
“How did you get her here?” I murmur.
    
“I asked her to come here to collect her stuff on the phone, she agreed, and I went to pick her up. It was a little ploy.” He grins and I can’t help but smile back. He gently holds my arm and pulls me into a cuddle. His arms fully wrap around my body now and I am cocooned in a Luke fortress. He gently pulls me away, and brushes my lips with his.
    
“Just you, Ella, I promise.” He gently places a stray lock of hair behind my ear. We walk hand in hand toward the dining room, toward a girl who has always made my life hell.
    
“What the fuck is she doing here?” I wince at her violence and Luke pulls me harder into his side.
    
“Jenna, Ella is my girlfriend.” Luke grits his teeth and holds my hand tighter.
    
“I was your girlfriend last week, do you just pick and choose?”
Luke laughs uncontrollably. I look up at him, my eyebrow cocked and he smiles down at me.
    
“No, Jenna, Ella and I are together, me and you, well, we were just a mistake.”
    
“How can you say that, Luke? What about us? Our time together? Did I mean nothing?” Luke instantly drops my hand and steps toward Jenna.
Oh, what?
    
“Of course you didn’t, Jenna, you know how it was for me.”
    
“Then why break me?” I watch in agonizing fear and loss as Luke holds his ex-girlfriend in an embrace. Her head appears over his shoulder and she smiles at me. His arms cocoon her, just like he was doing to me, and his head buries into her long blonde hair. I feel myself back up, and as my back hits a stool at the breakfast bar, Luke lets go of Jenna. He turns to look at me and all the color drains his beautiful face. I just can’t witness this.
    
“Ella, no…please-” he looks ashen and I can’t be here right now, I can’t see him.
    
“No, see you later.” I grab my bag from the kitchen counter.
    
“Ella, please let me take you home and not like this.” He grabs my arm and I pull it back.
    
“Fuck off, Luke.” I growl.
    
“ELLA, PLEASE! Don’t curse at me.”
    
“I’ll just leave you to attend to your ex then, maybe when you are ready, let’s say in two weeks, we can call it a day. Then nobody needs to hurt anymore.”
    
“Let me take you home.” He asks, meekly. He’s desperate to touch me; I can see it in his eyes.
    
“No, I’ll get a bus or call my dad.” I need to calm down.
    
“Ella, please, you’re being unreasonable again. Please, let me take you home.” He walks over to me and I can barely contain my anxiety, my urge to do things unbidden.

No Ella, please don’t,
you’ll
regret it, it will take over your life...again.

    
“I have an urge right now, Luke. I need to go control it.”
    
“What do you mean an urge?”
No,
not here Luke, remember what I
told you goddamn it.
    
“You're so obtuse. See you, Jenna, enjoy his company.”
    
“I’m sure I will ‘Smella’!” She grins, Luke looks back at her, and it instantly disappears. I sigh deeply and cup his face in my hands.
    
“You’ll know what you want soon, and when you decide, come to me tonight.”
    
“Okay.” He whispers and I gently kiss him.
    
“Bye.”
    
“Bye, Ellie.” I release his face and walk over to the foyer door. To my surprise it unlocks and I step out to walk my long trip home.

******

I slump on my bed, my headphones snuggled in my ears, My Chemical Romance sing about not being okay.
Yes, that’s right, I am not okay.
He is the love of my life, I know that for sure. I just don’t know what he wants from me.
    
Does he want me? Last night I lost my virginity to a high school jock, someone who I only really started to speak to a week ago. He took me and made love to me, we even had angry sex.
Mmmm,
angry sex was good.
His body haunts me. The rain and his toned, tight muscles tight under his t-shirt, feeling his skin on top of mine. The biting, the kissing, the passion. If lovemaking is always like that then I will never feel the need to say no, but only with Luke. College will be hard and I’m petrified that this is goodbye. Right now, all I’m thinking about is touching him when he’s doing God-knows-what with her.