Never Let Go (Take My Hand) (5 page)

Emily

“
I’m
gutted that I’ve missed out on so
much,” I admitted to Rachel. Pangs of guilt twisted deep in my belly as she
filled me in about the last few months. “I was a coward. I didn’t know how to
tell you how bad things had gotten so… I just avoided telling you altogether.
And well… I guess I thought you’d just tell me to cut my losses and run.”

“You’re right. I
would
’ve
said that,” Rachel agreed. “But if you’d told me that wasn’t an option for you
– that you
loved
him, then I
would’ve been behind you all the way.”

“And I should’ve known that,” I admitted, shaking my
head shamefully.

“But I could say the same thing. I didn’t make the
effort either. I was too pissed off with you.” Ouch. That stung. “But looking
back I was more pissed off with myself and I was taking it out on you. Jesus,
Em… I didn’t know how fucked-up I was until Jared started pressing for more.
I’d never considered myself insecure before, but holy fuck it was such a
struggle to accept that he loved me.
Me.
The
cripple with the foul mouth who could give Kat Von D a run for her money.”

“Stop it, Rachel,” I scolded. “Don’t refer to yourself
like that.”

“It’s okay though because I
don’t
think like that anymore. Jared… he’s changed me, ho. He’s
made me see all the good things about myself that I didn’t know were there
before.”

“I always knew they were there. But I also always knew
you
didn’t. You’re not as good an
actress as you like to think you are.”

“But
you
never
tried to change me.”

“Of course I didn’t. You’re my best friend. I love
you, and I accepted you for who you were.”

“But Jared wouldn’t accept me. Not in a bad way… it’s
like he
knew
I was hiding and made it
his mission to find me.”

“Wow,” I chuckled. “I would never have guessed Jared
could be so sweet.”

“Me neither. He can be more than sweet too. He turns
into an animal in the bedroo-”

“Enough!”

I found myself giggling as I swatted Rachel’s arm. For
a few minutes I’d forgotten my brother was dying, and the second the realisation
hit, guilt consumed me.

“I don’t know how I’m supposed to face this,” I said,
tears welling in my eyes.

“Neither do I,” Rachel admitted, pulling me into a
hug. “Neither do I.”

The sound of keys jangling in the front door made me
pull out of Rachel’s embrace. Seconds later, Dexter and Jared strolled into the
living room wearing wary smiles.

“Hey,” they said in unison. Dexter headed towards me
and balanced himself on the arm of the sofa where I was sitting. He bent down
and kissed the top of my head before whispering “I love you, doll,” in my ear,
making me smile. Jared however, decided to sit in Rachel’s wheelchair, and
proceeded to spin himself round in circles.

“What the fuck are you doing, dickwart?” Rachel asked
Jared, raising an eyebrow at him.

“Hey, I miss my wheels, okay? This is the next best
thing,” he replied with a playful grin. Rachel told me all about Jared’s epilepsy
diagnosis earlier in the evening. Although he’s hiding it well, I know he must
be struggling. Especially the driving part – Jared loved his BMW like it
was human. “Hey, Dex… you
have
to
come check out the lift in our house. It’s so much fun.”

Rachel rolled her eyes at Jared and judging by the
wink he flashed her, I think he was saying these things purely to annoy her.
Though she did tell me how genuinely excited he got the first time he rode in
the lift at her parents’ house. That’s as goofy as it is adorable don’t you
think?

“Well I was thinking we could come home with you guys
next week. Collect some of our stuff,” Dexter suggested. My quizzical eyes shot
up in his direction. We couldn’t leave now. I can’t leave Chris. “Doll, you
need your car and I need my bike. We only have to stay a night or two.”

“I’m not leaving Chris right now,” I replied firmly.

“You’ll do as you’re bloody well told.” Everyone’s
eyes flitted towards the voice, zoning in on Chris standing in the doorway.
“I’m not letting you change your life for me, Emmie.”

“I thought you were staying with a friend tonight?” I
asked.

“I wanted my own bed. I don’t feel too good.”

“What’s wrong? Should I call someone?” I asked in a
fluster.

“Emmie… chill out. I’ve got a headache. It’s kind of
part of the brain tumour package.” He tried to lighten the mood but I scowled
at him, not finding his comment amusing in the least.

“Whatever, hotstuff,” Rachel interrupted. “You came
because you’ve missed me right?”

So it seemed Rachel was still intent on flirting with
my brother even though she had Jared now.

“Damn. You caught me,” Chris teased. “Though I hear
you have someone else now?” he added, nodding towards Jared. “I’m hurt,” he
said, clutching his chest.

“Couldn’t wait around for you forever, sexy chops.
Besides,
he
knocked me up so I’m kind
of stuck with him now.”

“Will everyone stop acting like everything is rosy in
the fucking garden!” Four sets of eyes widened in response. I only ever swear
when I’m angry… and dear God was I angry.

“Emmie,” Chris breathed, approaching me cautiously.
Dexter tried to take hold of my hand but I shoved him away and jumped to my
feet. “Emily…” Chris began again, but I shook my head, refusing to listen. Then
I ran from the room and up the stairs, taking two at a time.

**********

I heard knocking on my bedroom door and peeled myself
off the mattress to open it. There was no point ignoring it. Whoever it was
would just come in anyway.

“You can’t keep running from this, Emmie,” Chris said
the second I opened the door. Dexter was standing behind him, and then he
squeezed past Chris and took me in his arms.

“We should talk about this,” Dexter said. “Snickers
and Jared have gone. Come downstairs?” he asked. I didn’t want to, but I agreed
anyway with a weak nod.

When we got downstairs I took up my usual spot on the
sofa, curling my legs up under my bum. Dexter, of course, sat next to me, and
Chris sat on the edge of the coffee table with his knees touching mine.

“Emmie,” Chris began. “I’m not going to patronise you
and say this is going to be easy for any of us. But the way everyone was
before? That was
normal
. Don’t you
see I really need that right now? I have just a few months left, and-”

“Stop it,” I spat. “Stop saying that.”

“No. I won’t stop saying it because it’s the truth and
you
need
to start accepting it. I
don’t want these last few months to be filled with people pussy-footing around
me. I don’t want people looking at me differently, treating me differently, or
talking to me like my time is up. Because it’s not. I don’t know how long
exactly I have left but I’m not gone yet, and I’m gonna fucking
fight
for as long as I can. Fight for
you
, fight for my friends, fight for a
little more
life
. What I won’t do is
fight this fucker,” he said angrily, tapping the side of his head. “Just to
gain a few extra months of people treating me like I’m going to break. I don’t
want that, Emmie. I want to enjoy the time I’ve got left and I
need
you to understand that.”

“I-I do understand,” I choked out. “But I can’t stop
thinking about it. It feels like I’m missing you already and I can’t cope with
it.”

“You
can
cope.
I didn’t give this arsehole another chance for nothing,” he said, throwing a
teasing glance towards Dexter. “You are
not
alone, Emily. You need to let the people who love you help you through this
instead of running away or ignoring it. And
I
need the people who love
me
to
treat me like they always have. I’m not sure how long I can do this for if they
don’t.”

“I’ll try. I promise I will try.”

“Thank you, Emmie. That’s all I ever want from you.”
Chris leaned forward and kissed my forehead before smiling at me, his eyes
twinkling with gratitude. “She’s all yours, mate,” he said, nodding to Dexter.
“I’m hitting the sack.”

“G’night, man,” Dexter replied. All I could muster was
yet another weak smile. When Chris was out of the room Dexter pulled me close
and I nuzzled into his chest. “I’m so proud of you, doll,” he whispered into my
hair. And that’s the last thing I remember before crying myself to sleep in his
arms.

**********

A few days passed and I was getting pretty good at
‘pretending’ I’d accepted things. It was becoming easier to smile during the
day and only cry at night. Only Dexter knew, and he would hold me close until my
exhausted brain and swollen eyes gave up the fight and went to sleep.

Today is Chris’ first chemo session. Dexter is going
with him and I’m secretly pleased about that. Does that make me selfish? He had
to go to the hospital yesterday to have blood taken to check his liver and
kidney function. Dexter went there with him too because I had to deal with a
potential new client. He’s a big one – interested in us servicing a whole
fleet of vans. Dexter could’ve easily dealt with him, but the fact he didn’t
suggest it makes me think he knew I just wanted to keep myself busy.

I just want it all to disappear. A giant lump has
formed in my chest. It feels like it’s wrapping around my heart, crushing it,
crushing
me
. It’s incredibly painful
and it’s growing every day. Sometimes I wonder if it will finish me off altogether
when Chris is gone. I don’t know how to live without him and I don’t know if
I’m strong enough to try.

Dexter

“
You
sure you’ll be okay here on your own?” I asked before kissing the tip of
Emily’s nose. Chris had just finished up an oil change and had ran home to
change before his appointment. I stayed behind with Em, and Chris was coming to
pick me up when he’d finished getting ready.

“Yeah,” she shrugged. “Rachel said she might swing by. If it
stays this quiet I might close up early and go and see her parents with her. I
feel bad that I didn’t make it the other day.”

“I like that idea,” I admitted. “I don’t like you being
alone just now.”

“I won’t break, Dex.”

“I know you won’t. You’re the strongest woman I’ve ever met.
But still, it makes me feel better knowing you have someone when I’m not
around.”

“I miss you, Dexter.”

“Miss me? I’m right here, doll.” Emily snaked her arms
around my waist, pulling me closer. She looked up at me coyly through her long,
mascaraed lashes and then it hit me. “Ah, you
miss
me.” Grinning devilishly, I leaned my face towards hers.
Flicking out the tip of my tongue I swept it across her closed lips, teasing
for entry. With a soft moan that made me instantly hard, she willingly parted
them and I dipped inside. Sliding my hand between her legs and rubbing her
through her jeans, I tangled my tongue with hers for a while before grazing it
over the edge of her teeth “Fuck, I’ve missed you too,” I groaned into her
mouth. With everything that’s happened this last week, the closest I’ve been to
Emily is holding her while she cries.

“Not in the fucking office, guys,” Chris grumbled, startling
us both. We jumped apart quickly and when my eyes landed on him in the doorway,
he was shielding his eyes with his hand. “Let me know when it’s safe to open my
eyes.”

“Safe,” Emily said through a small giggle. The sound made my
heart swell. Her laugh is adorable and I don’t get to hear it nearly often
enough.

“If you want to stay here and finish off my sister I can go
on my own.”

“Chris!” Instantaneously, Emily’s cheeks heated, clashing
with her red hair.

“I’ve told you I’m coming,” I said flatly. Chris was all for
doing this shit by himself but I wouldn’t have that. Fuck knew how it was going
to affect him and if there’s one thing a man with only months left to live
shouldn’t be, it’s alone. “Love you, doll,” I tacked on, turning to Emily and
kissing the tip of her nose. I do that a lot – it makes her smile. “Come
on, man. Let’s go get you pumped full of drugs.”

“Try not to get too jealous, huh?” Chris shot back. Stifling
a laugh, I playfully punched his arm. “See you later, Emmie.”

“Chris?” she called after him.

“Yeah?”

“I love you.”

I witnessed Chris close his eyes and breathe in her words. A
content smile tugged at his lips before he opened his eyes again and played
down his emotions.

“I’m not dying today, sis!” he called over his shoulder.
“But I love you too,” he whispered to himself. I’m not even sure I was supposed
to hear it.

Fuck, this shit is hard.

**********

We found our way easily to the oncology department –
it was quickly becoming a second home. After announcing Chris’ arrival to one
of the three receptionists sitting behind the large half-moon desk, we were
immediately shown through to the treatment room. We followed a short nurse,
dressed in salmon-pink scrubs into a large room with an array of beds and
recliners dotted around the edges. Each bed/recliner was partitioned off with
pastel-yellow curtains and had space-age looking machines standing either side.

Three of the beds and two of the recliners were filled. Some
had hair, some didn’t. Some had tear-stained eyes, some wore smiles. Some were
alone, some weren’t. But they all had wires sticking out of some part of their
body, attached to long tubes being fed from a drip above them.

Chris was told to choose whichever spot he would feel most
comfortable in, and opted for a recliner next to the window with slatted
blinds. I pulled up a hard plastic chair and sat next to him, leaning forward
and resting my elbows on my knees.

“Christopher?” A woman - thirty-ish with short brown hair
and wearing a black pantsuit asked on her approach.

“Chris,” he corrected.

“Chris,” she repeated. “I’m Paula. Your Macmillan nurse,”
she introduced, holding up the I.D. card that hung from her neck. We were told
yesterday at Chris’ blood test appointment about the Macmillan team. The nurse
explained that Chris would be issued his own personal nurse while she drew the
blood into little vials. His Macmillan nurse will be around for most of his
chemo sessions, and will also visit him at home from time to time, until the
time comes when she will need to be around regularly. I’m sure I don’t have to
tell you what that means.

“Yeah,” Chris replied. “I was told a little about you
yesterday.”

“Well I’m just here to introduce myself for now and answer
any questions you might have – I won’t be administering your treatment.”
Chris nodded and I noticed his fingers fidgeting together from the corner of my
eye. “Have you had the process explained to you?”

“Yeah. Cannula in the back of my hand, will likely take
hours, could feel really sick…”

“Do you have any questions about the side-effects? Anything
particular that’s worrying you?”

“No, I’m good. Just want to get it over with.”

“That’s normal. Is that your way of telling me to be on my
merry way?” she asked with a teasing smile.

“No. Sorry, I just…”

“Don’t worry, Chris. It’s okay to be feeling nervous. I’ll
leave you for now and tell the doctor you’re ready to begin. I’ll be around all
morning if you need anything. And I mean
anything
.
I’m here to help you whenever you need it.”

“Thanks,” Chris muttered nervously, tapping his foot
impatiently. Paula smiled, patted Chris’ shoulder and made her way across the
room to talk to another patient.

“You scared?” I asked.
He
must be
, I thought. He must’ve been because I was fucking terrified.

“Not so much,” he answered, shrugging his shoulders. “Not
for
me
anyway. Fuck, this would be so
much easier to deal with if I didn’t have to leave Emmie behind. I hate that
I’m putting her through this. When is the poor kid gonna get a fucking break?”

Whether it was his intention or not, that remark ignited a
fire of guilt in my stomach. She’s already been through so much… because of
me.

“It’s not like you’re doing it on purpose,” was all I could
think to say. Again, he shrugged, and before I could reply we were interrupted
by one of the nurses dressed in salmon-pink scrubs.

“Okay, Christopher…”

“Chris.”

“Well, Chris. I’m just going to pop this cannula in the back
of your hand and then I’ll set up your drip.”

“Sure,” Chris answered on a heavy exhale.

“I’m Anna by the way,” she added, setting a yellow tray down
on the table next to Chris. “Lift your arm for me,” she said, and then wrapped
an adjustable elastic band around the top of Chris’ arm. My thoughts wandered
involuntarily to the amount of times I’d done that same move on myself, but I
quickly dismissed them.

She went on to sanitize her hands with the gel clipped to
her pocket, then she stretched on some gloves with a snap and picked up a
little white packet. After tearing it open and removing the small cleansing
wipe she brushed it over the top of Chris’ hand and then placed it back in the
tray.

“Make a fist for me,” she asked while feeling for a
prominent vein. “Got it. You can relax your hand now.” It took her less than a
minute to remove the needle and cannula from the sterile packet and secure it
in place on Chris’ hand with some white tape. It took a little longer for her
to set up the drip, and to keep my eyes away from the pain in Chris’ I watched
her intently as she fiddled with the bag on the drip stand and adjusted the
little dial that controlled the flow.

“Ok, that’s it,” Anna announced after tapping a couple of
buttons on the portable space-age unit. “If you need anything press this
button.” She pointed to a remote control attached to the wall behind us. “There
is a café downstairs if either of you would like something to eat or drink,
although I would recommend something light for you, Chris, until you know how
your body reacts to the chemo. Are you driving home?” She directed the question
at me.

“Um, no. He drove us here.”

“Well I doubt you’ll be in a fit state to drive home again.”
She was speaking to Chris again now. “We don’t know how you’re going to react
and the first session especially can be pretty traumatic on your body.”

“We’ll call a cab,” I suggested.

“Great,” she replied, appeased with my answer. “Remember I’m
around if you need anything or have any concerns.”

“Thank you,” Chris and I said at the same time.

“I’ll put you on the insurance for the van tomorrow,” Chris
said once the nurse had disappeared. “I also want you to carry out the eleven
o’clock MOT we’ve got booked in.”

“Chris I’m not ready for that yet,” I argued.

“Well you need to get yourself ready, mate. When I’m…
gone
… that garage is yours and Emmie’s.
You need to be able to run it without me.”

What. The. Fuck.

“Chris…” I trailed off. I felt too winded to form words.

“That’s why I bought it, Dex. I’d worked for Ernie since I
left school – he’s like a father to me. When he found out what was going
on with me, he offered to sell it to me at a fantastic rate – one which I
made sure Emily could afford to repay once I wasn’t here anymore.”

“You planned all this already?”

“It was the first thing I did. I couldn’t even think of
moving forward until I knew Emmie would have a secure future. Despite the shit
you’ve been through, my gut told me she would have that with you. That’s why I
went to see you in rehab and that’s why I want you to take over my garage.”

“Jesus, Chris…I…I don’t know what to say right now.”

“You don’t need to say anything. I know you’ll do it. You
owe both me
and
Emily that much.”

“I know I do,” I didn’t hesitate to agree.

“You start college next week. Tuesday. Six till eight in the
evening. I can train you on site as an apprentice. An assessor will come by
every so often to oversee your work, but if we knuckle down, you can get your
NVQ before…” he trailed off, knowing I knew what he meant. Before he
dies.
“You’re already half way there.
Hanging out in your mate’s dad’s garage growing up has taught you all the
basics. You just need testing in them, that’s all.”

“Fuck, Chris, this is a lot to take in.”

“You don’t have time to take it in. You’ve gotta accept it
and start
doing,
you hear? You’ll do
the MOT tomorrow and I’ll check it over when you’ve finished. You can do it,
Dex. I know you’re capable. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t believe in you.”

“You…
believe
in
me?” I practically whimpered like a freakin’ girl. Emotion swelled in my throat
and I was sure if he kept talking I would cry like a fucking baby.

“You should know the answer to that by now,” he answered
without looking at me. “We’ll tell Emmie when her head’s in a better place.
Last thing I want is to send her crying up the stairs again.”

“We’re gonna have to risk that, man. I won’t keep anything
from her again. I promised her and I meant it.”

“You’re right,” Chris agreed, sighing heavily. “We’ll tell
her tonight.”

I nodded weakly, still trying to comprehend everything he’d
just told me.

“Don’t let me down, Dexter.”

“I won’t,” I assured earnestly. “You have my word.”

**********

My ass was dead after four hours sitting on that damn hard
chair. Anna the nurse had just stopped by to say we had another thirty minutes
to go so I ran downstairs to the café and grabbed us a couple more drinks.
Chris had water – safer on the stomach, and I had an energy drink that
tasted like melted sugar. I needed the sugar rush to keep my eyes open.

“Anyone interesting?” Chris pried as I palmed my cell after
sitting down. It buzzed in my pocket on my way back from the café, so after
setting our drinks down on the table I pulled it out.

“Marianne,” I said. “I’ll read it later. Don’t think I’m
supposed to use it in here.”

“We’re all dying anyway. What’s the worst it’s gonna do?” he
joked. I rolled my eyes at him, wanting to scold him but my lips betrayed me as
they turned up into a smile.

Marianne has texted me every day without fail since I last
saw her back in Ohio. We talk useless shit mainly. She tells me about school, I
tell her about work, that kind of thing. I find myself missing her some days. I
still barely know her and I want to so badly. She’s my baby sister. My
surprise
baby sister and I guess I want
a shot at playing Big Brother.