Never Let Go (Take My Hand) (2 page)

Emily

Oh
God was he going
to propose? I wasn’t sure how I felt about that. I’m only twenty years old. Was
I ready for marriage? It only took one look in Dexter’s deep blue eyes for me
to realise that yes, yes I was.

Just seconds later, and before I could probe Dexter
further, there was a knock at the door. I groaned and rolled my eyes. I was so
comfy nestled in Dexter’s lap and I didn’t want to move.

“You’re gonna want to answer that, doll,” Dexter said
with a broad smile. I looked curiously towards the door. Flowers perhaps? Maybe
that was my surprise. Raising an eyebrow at him, I reluctantly peeled myself
away from his warm body and made my way to the door.

When I opened it my heart jumped into my throat.

“Hey, ho.”

I stumbled back a step and stared at the best friend I
thought I’d pushed away for good. The first thing I noticed was the ‘ordinary’
shade of her brown hair. The second thing my eyes honed in on was the shiny new
jewel dangling from her lip. And the third… was the size of her belly.

“Oh my God, are you…”

“Pregnant,” she finished for me. I clutched a hand to
my chest, overwhelmed by shock, excitement and a hefty dose of guilt.

“Are you going to invite us in, sugar?” Jared piped up
in the background. Amazingly, I hadn’t even noticed him standing behind Rachel
with his hands on the handles of her wheelchair.

“Sorry,” I muttered, completely flustered and blinking
rapidly. “Come in,” I added, stepping aside. Edging backwards I bumped into
Dexter and when I looked at him he was wearing a devious grin. He planned this
– this was his surprise. Jared and Dexter shook hands and then pulled
each other into a manly, one armed hug before starting to chatter like they’d
never been apart. Rachel and I however, just stared at each other.

“You’re… I mean I just can’t believe you’re….” I
stuttered dumbly, nodding towards her belly. “I didn’t even know you and
Jared…” I shook my head in an effort to unscramble my thoughts. I thought back
to the last time we talked, but it was so long ago I couldn’t even really
remember what she said. All that stood out was the tone of her voice –
how angry she sounded… how hurt. I’m sure she mentioned things weren’t going
anywhere with Jared though. “Wait, is the baby….” Jeez, why couldn’t I finish
my sentences?

“Yes, Em,” Rachel nodded with an amused smirk.
“They’re Jared’s.”

“Sorry. I didn’t mean to make you sound like a slut or
anyth-Wait – did you say
they
?”

“We’re having twins,” she stated proudly. The words
darted straight into my heart and exploded.

“God, Rachel. I-I…” Argh! Why the hell couldn’t I
speak like a functioning human being?

“Come here, ho.” Rachel opened her arms for me and
without hesitation I leapt forward, planted myself on her knees and wrapped my
arms around her neck.

“I’m so sorry,” I whimpered into her neck, my tears
flowing freely against my will. “I’m so bloody sorry.”

“That’s not going to get us anywhere, Em. We fucked
up. We tried to cope alone and we’re obviously shit at that. But for what it’s
worth, I’m sorry too.”

“I’ve missed you so much,” I told her, squeezing her
tight. Then I remembered the babies. “God I’m sorry! I didn’t squash them did
I?”

Rachel burst out laughing and then Jared sarcastically
told her to eff off.

“See, babe… you’re not the only idiot in the village.”

“Am I missing something?” I asked inquisitively.

“I asked the doctor if the fact Rach is sitting down
all the time would squash the babies,” Jared clarified with an exaggerated eye
roll. “So come on, guys, enjoy your laugh at Jared moment and get it over
with.”

“Dude,” Dexter said, clapping Jared’s shoulder. “You
really need to stop speaking in public.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Jared grumbled.

“Ooo what did I miss?” Sarah entered the room, fresh
from the bath and dressed in her nighty and robe, no doubt wondering what we
were finding so amusing.

“Just Jared,” I said. “You’ll understand when you get
to know him. Sarah this is Rachel,” I introduced, climbing off her knee and keeping
my hand on her shoulder. “And that’s Jared.”

In true Sarah fashion, she walked over and bent down
to give Rachel a kiss on the cheek. Rachel smiled awkwardly. She’s never been
good at dealing with affection from strangers. Then she made her way over to
Jared and did the same.

“Nice to meet you, sugar.”

With the introductions out of the way, Sarah went into
the kitchen to make drinks for everyone and we all settled ourselves down on
the furniture. Dexter sprawled himself across the armchair with his legs
dangling over the side, Jared sat down on the plush beanbag in the corner and
Rachel and I took the sofa. We chatted, we laughed, we took the mick out of
Jared… everything seemed bizarrely normal.

“You smell great – less stale tobacco and more
Charlie Red,” I noted with a teasing smile as I snuggled into Rachel, just
after Sarah went up to bed. That was definitely a positive side of Rachel’s
pregnancy. I’d wanted her to give up smoking forever.

“I’m a reformed girl,” she joked back.

“About time,” Dexter piped up. “That shit’s bad for
you.”

“Are you fucking with me, American?” she shot back.
“You’ve just got out of rehab for
cocaine
addiction and you’re giving
me
shit
about smoking?”

“Oh how I’ve missed your smart mouth, Snickers.”

This was… perfect. My whole world had come together in
just a couple of short hours. All four friends, now two sets of lovers -
together again, making fun of each other, laughing with each other… loving each
other.

“I’ve missed this so badly,” I announced to the room.

Rachel squeezed my hand, Dexter nodded and Jared
smiled that cute impish grin of his.

“We should get going soon,” Rachel said on a sigh,
making
me
sigh too. I didn’t want her
to leave. Ever.

“Go where?” I asked. I didn’t think to ask where they
were staying when she arrived.

“We’re staying at that new Premier Inn near the
cinema.”

“You should stay here. Sarah won’t mind, I know she
won’t.”

“This house isn’t really wheelchair friendly,” she
admitted with a slight frown and I knew that would have been difficult for her
to say. “I’d be more comfortable in a hotel.”

“Besides,” Jared interrupted. “Rachel’s a screamer. I
wouldn’t want her keeping your aunty up all night.”

“Shut it, Jaz, or the only attention your ding-a-ling
will be getting tonight will be from Rosie Palm and her five sisters.”

“Um…
ding-a-ling?
”
Dexter repeated.

“Oh yeah. Apparently that’s an acceptable name for
cocks these days. Cock and pussy is
so
last
year. Ding-a-lings and tulips are the way forward.” The smile on her face meant
she was obviously teasing, and from the wink she gave Jared I assumed it was
aimed his way.

“For
babies!
I
won’t refer to my daughter’s…
area…
as a pussy. Jesus… why don’t you just take an ad out in the local newspaper
announcing what a moron I am, seeing as that’s what you obviously think?”

“You’re having girls?” I squealed.

“We don’t know yet,” Rachel answered, calming the
sudden flutter in my chest. “You’ll be the first to know when we do.”

“I can’t believe you’re going to be a mum, Rach. A
mum!
Are you scared?”

“Absolutely fucking petrified. But so excited at the
same time. I can feel them moving. It’s the weirdest, most amazing feeling. I
love them so much already.”

“You look so happy,” I said genuinely. She really did.
There was a subtle glow to her skin, a fullness to her cheeks… and her eyes
literally grew brighter when she looked over at Jared. “You two are so cute
together.”

“I really love him, Em,” she whispered in my ear,
leaning over so Jared couldn’t hear. He was engrossed in a conversation with
Dexter so I don’t think he even noticed we were taking about him. “He treats me
so well and says the loveliest things to me. We’ve got so much to catch up on
and I can’t wait to tell you everything.”

“And I can’t wait to hear it.”

“You ready, saffy?” Jared called over, standing from
his chair.

“Saffy?”

“Apparently I’m bitter with a sweet aftertaste,”
Rachel explained, rolling her eyes.

“Aw that’s kind of sweet!” Who knew goofy Jared could
be so lovely? “How long are you staying?” My heart sank a little while I waited
for her answer.
Please stay a while…

“A week or so.” I instantly felt better. “I need to go
and see my mum and dad a few times while I’m up here. You should come.”

“You don’t even have to ask. I’d love to see them.”
Let’s face it, they were better parents to me than my own.

“Are you heading back to Chris’ now?”

“No, we might as well stay here tonight. Sarah has a
spare room. Come on, I’ll see you guys out to the car.”

“Oh, um, we came on the train,” Jared said quietly.

“What? You left your baby all alone?” I teased. Jared
loved his BMW like a tiny human – they went everywhere together.

“Long story,” he muttered and then looked to the
floor. I didn’t pry in front of him, but I could tell something was wrong and I
planned to ask Rachel for every detail next time we were alone.

So seeing as Jared wasn’t driving, I called a local
taxi company and asked them to send a minibus. Sure Rachel can get into a
normal car, but it’s just less hassle if she can wheel straight into the back. We
only had to wait five minutes before the horn sounded outside. After another
round of hugs and smiles, Rachel and Jared left and after closing the door I
walked straight to the sofa and flopped backwards into the soft cushions.

Wow. Dexter was right. Life
is
perfect.

Dexter

I
woke up with Emily’s head on my bare
chest and my arm snaked under her shoulders. I’ll never get tired of that
feeling, and I’ll never stop thanking my lucky stars every single day that I
didn’t completely blow our future together. She was still sleeping and I didn’t
wake her. Instead I just twirled her soft red curls around my finger and
watched her eyes flicker in her sleep. Christ, she’s beautiful, and I’m pretty
sure she has no freakin’ idea.

I could hear Aunt Sarah in the bathroom and I silently
cursed that we were in this tiny house. The fact it’s so small you can hear the
guy next door farting is the reason Emily denied me any pussy action last
night. It was making me irritable - especially right then, when lying naked
next to her with her soft tits pressed into my side, gave me a hard on so
stinking huge I wouldn’t be able to walk without looking like I’d shit my
pants, and yet I couldn’t do a thing about it.

Ugh, seriously. I could smell her, feel her… and when she
shifted slightly, draping her arm over my cock I was fucking
drooling
for her.

“Morning,” she half spoke, half yawned into my chest.

“Mornin’, doll,” I repeated, guiding her hand down over my
cock. “Percy’s missing you.”

Holy fuck…

Wrapping her fingers around my shaft, she started pumping
her fist up and down. Fast. Hard. Relentless. Then… she stopped.

“What the fuck?” I complained.

“Sarah’s in the next room. Percy’s just going to have to
wait,” she teased, winking at me before sliding out of bed.

“Well if my balls explode it’s all your fault.”

“I’ll take the chance. Now get your lazy bum out of bed. We
need to get home and changed for work.”

“Actually Chris is picking me up here in…” I looked at the
small clock on the nightstand. “Shit – about ten minutes!” I leapt off
the bed faster than if someone had planted a firework up my ass.

“Why so early?” Emily asked quizzically.

“Um,” I muttered, trying to remember what lie Chris told me
to tell while scrambling around on the floor for my pants. “Auction. He heard
about an auction in Macclesfield last minute. He only told me yesterday and
with Snickers and Jared coming, I totally forgot to tell you.”

“Macclesfield?”

Shit. Macclesfield is a place right? Dammit, I still haven’t
managed to learn all the towns and cities in this country yet, but I could’ve
sworn I saw Macclesfield written on an invoice in the garage last week.

“Sure,” I lied and hoped to fuck I sounded convincing. I
hated
this. I hated lying to her again.
After
everything
I’d put this amazing
girl through I had never felt like such a lowlife agreeing to keep things from
her again.

“Hmm. We usually get leaflets about that kind of stuff
posted to the garage. Guess this is a new one… or maybe I just missed it.”
Emily shrugged, seeming appeased with my story. A kick to the balls would’ve
hurt less than looking into her baby-blue eyes, knowing that she trusted me,
yet also knowing I was a lying piece of shit. “So I was thinking,” she
continued. “I’m going to talk to my parents this week – like Jeff
suggested.”

“Are you sure you’re ready for that?” Jeff, my therapist
back in Ohio, suggested Emily talk with her parents about why they treat her
like a piece of shit. I never agreed with it when he suggested it, and I don’t
agree with it now. Her parents are assholes – worse than assholes. In fact,
the little yellow lumps that swim haphazardly in diarrhea are worth more than
them. They don’t deserve Emily and she sure as hell doesn’t deserve them.

“No,” she answered. “But Jeff was right. I
need
to do this. I can’t put my life on
hold for fear of disappointing them and I need to know if they really do blame
me for Livvie’s death. You’ve been with me every night since you left rehab and
I haven’t had a single nightmare. It’s because what Jeff said made sense, and I
think he’s already helped me make my peace with things. Now I just need to find
out if my parents can do the same.”

Instinctively I pulled Emily into me and kissed the top of her
head before inhaling deeply and absorbing the strawberry scent.

“You want me to come with you?” I asked, because I didn’t
want her going alone. No fucking way.

“I’m not sure,” she shrugged. Just as I was about to reply a
horn sounded outside.

“Shit,” I muttered, sighing heavily. “That’ll be Chris.
We’ll pick this up later though, yeah?”

“Sure. Enjoy the auction.” Fuck. There was that damn guilt
again, stabbing into my heart like a red-hot poker. Cupping her small face in
my hands, I briefly touched my lips to hers and swept my tongue across the soft
flesh.

“Won’t be long, doll. Don’t ever forget that I love you.”

“Love you too. You know that.”

Winking at her, I plucked my leather jacket from the back of
the dressing chair, and headed out to meet Chris.

**********

“Hey,” I greeted solemnly as I slid into his truck.

“Mornin’.”

So, that was the extent of our entire conversation until we
reached the hospital and were seated in the waiting area of the oncology
department.

“What’s the point of today’s appointment?” I asked
nervously, hoping he wasn’t going to tell me today was the day he found out how
long he had left. Selfishly, I was so not fucking ready to deal with that kind
of shit.

“I’m here to discuss the results of my latest scan,” was all
he said.

“How long have you known about this, man?”

“Couple of months for sure, but I knew they suspected it a
few weeks before that.”

“How the fuck have you dealt with this alone?”

“I had to, Dex. I couldn’t put this on Emmie with everything
she had going on.” Wow. Just when I thought I couldn’t feel like any more of a
selfish bastard… “And I wouldn’t anyway until I knew what I was dealing with.”

“Christopher Barton?” A woman dressed in a smart pinstripe
suit with a lanyard hanging from her neck called as she scanned the waiting
area. Chris stood up, and instinctively I did the same. “Doctor Merrigold will
see you now,” she said with a smile that screamed pity. Chris nodded and began
his approach to the door she pointed to.

“Should I, um…wait here?” I stuttered, hovering pathetically
and not knowing what the hell to do with myself.

“I, erm…” Chris’ eyes swept the floor as he struggled to
drag in a deep breath. “I wouldn’t say no to the support right now,” he
admitted. “You know, seeing as you’re here anyway,” he shrugged, trying to play
down the fear he was no doubt drowning in.

“Sure, man,” I barely whispered. With a brief nod, I
followed Chris inside the doctor’s office and sat down next to him on one of
the padded blue chairs in front of a desk filled with files, stationary and a
computer.

“Okay, Christopher,” the doctor began, sliding into his
chair and nudging his glasses up over the bridge of his nose with a pointed
finger. “So as you know we’re here to discuss the results of last week’s scan.”
The doctor continued to thumb the pages of the brown file in front of him and
then started tapping random keys on his computer.

From the corner of my eye I could see Chris’ knees knocking
themselves together in a tireless, even rhythm. His hands were clamped together
so tightly on his lap his knuckles had turned white and his breathing rate had
quickened.

Removing his glasses, the doctor folded them in his hand and
looked up at Chris. His expression said it all. The twitch of his lips, the
deep sigh he exhaled, and the slowness of his arm as he reached out to place
his glasses on the desk. This was going to be brutal…

“The tumor has grown.” And there it was. Four little words
that would essentially shatter Chris’ whole universe. “The scan showed-”

“How long have I got?” Chris interrupted impatiently.

“There are a number of factors we-”

“How
long
?” he
practically growled this time.

“With treatment? Eight to ten months, possibly more.”

Fucking hell…

“And without?”

“Two. Maybe less.”

Either way, he had just confirmed that Chris, the man
sitting next to me, the man who has become one of my closest friends and biggest
supporters, the brother of the woman I love more than my own life… will be
dead
this time next year. How the fuck
are you supposed to process something like that?

“When do I start treatment?” Chris asked resolutely, raising
his chin.

“First we need to talk through all your options, and then
we’ll decide which course is best for you.”

“Okay,” Chris nodded. “Let’s talk.”

**********

It’s weird how the urge to have a drink can creep on you
when you least expect it. Walking back to Chris’ van, that’s all I could think
about – how just one drink would take the edge of this sickening ache in
my stomach. But hey, don’t worry – I don’t plan on going down that
torturous fucking road again. That doesn’t mean the urge won’t always be there
though. Jeff told me as much back in Ohio.

Besides, I had a fucking nerve to feel the way I did. When
all this shit was over… I would still be alive. Chris wouldn’t.

Fuck.

“You okay, man?” I asked tentatively once we were settled in
the truck.

“On top of the fuckin’ world, mate,” he replied with
sarcastic enthusiasm before ripping through his hair with his fingers. I didn’t
say anything. There was nothing
to
say,
or at least nothing that I could think of. “ARGH!” he bellowed, making me shift
back in my seat. My eyes blinked and I winced when he brought both his hands
down on the steering wheel with crashing force. Then he did it again, only this
time he rammed the heel of his palm into the dash. “FUCK!”

“Chris…” I began, but then realized I had absolutely nothing
to say.

“I just… This is just so fucking unfair.” There was a
slight tremor in his voice – a weakness… a vulnerability.

“No it’s not. None of this is fair,” I agreed. Guilt and
regret simmered in my stomach. Not so long ago I welcomed the idea of no longer
existing, and now I had to console a man who was getting his existence taken
from him whether he wanted it or not. “Are you ready to tell Emily?” I hated
asking, but as much as I wanted to give him the time to process what he’d just
heard… I couldn’t lie to Emily any longer. It was eating me alive already.

“No. How the fuck am I supposed to tell her this?”

“I don’t know, man.” I wish I did. “I’ll be there if you
want? Or if you want me to go out for a couple of hours I can do that too.”

“My guess is she’s going to need you.”

I nodded. Maybe he was right, or maybe she’d want me to get
the hell away from her when she figured out that I’d known since yesterday.

“Want me to drive?” I asked. Chris was in the driver’s seat
but from the way his hands were shaking I didn’t think he was in a fit state to
drive.

“You’re not insured yet.”

“Good thing I’m not planning to crash then, huh?”

Chris shrugged, opened his door and jumped out the van. I
did the same, passing him briefly but never making eye contact as we made our
way to each other’s seats.

“Ready?” I asked, slipping the key into the ignition.

“Guess so,” he barely whispered. Then he flopped his head
back onto the headrest and let out a heavy sigh. As I pulled out of the lot my
heart climbed up into my chest. The next couple of hours were going to be
intense.