Never Let Go (Take My Hand) (8 page)

Emily

It’s
been two weeks
since we got back from London. I’m missing Rachel like crazy even though we
talk several times a day on the phone and text even more. During those two
weeks however, I made a decision. I need to see my parents. Jeff was right
– I need closure. I need to know if and why they blame me for Livvie’s
accident, and if we have any hope of a ‘normal’ parent/child relationship that
isn’t filled with tension and bitchy comments.

The fact my nightmares resurfaced last week only
confirmed that fact. Jeff thinks this is the way forward – to get the
nightmares to stop, so today after breakfast that’s exactly where I’m heading.
Forward. To my parents’ house.

“You ready, doll?” Dexter asked tentatively, sneaking
up behind me and burying his face in the crook of my neck as I washed the last
of the breakfast dishes.

“As I’ll ever be,” I muttered quietly. “You really
don’t have to come with me. I’ll be fi-”

“I’m coming, Emily,” he argued, cutting me off. “You’re
not facing it alone.”

“I’m really nervous.”

“You shouldn’t be. I won’t let anyone treat you like
shit. I’ll be with you, doll. By your side the entire time.”

And just like that, the raging inferno of nerves in my
belly settled into barely flickering embers.

“Ok, I’ll just finished these dishes and then we’ll
go. I called my dad while you were upstairs to let him know we were coming. He
sounded pleased I guess. But then the issues are really between me and my mum,
I just wish he’d stand up for me once in a while.”

“Well even if he doesn’t,
I
will.”

With a heartfelt smile I finished up the dishes and
psyched myself up for what I suspected was going to be a tough morning.

**********

“Hey, princess,” my dad greeted with a wide smile when
he opened the front door. I knocked even though I have a key – that’s
just the kind of relationship we have. He stepped aside and I walked past him
into the house. Dexter followed behind and then my mum showed up at the end of
the hallway.

“Mr Barton,” Dexter said with a curt nod, proffering
his hand to shake. Then he did the same to my mum when she drew nearer. “Mrs
Barton,” he offered her the same greeting. “I’m Dexter.”

“Nice to meet you, Dexter,” my dad replied. My mum
gave him a lopsided smile as if he were something she’d found on the bottom of
her shoe. “Come through to the living room.”

We followed my dad into the living room and sat side
by side on the cream leather sofa. My mum and dad took the sofa opposite to
ours and it was only then I realised my mum hadn’t even spoken to me yet.

“We’re glad you came, princess. We still need to talk
about why you left university.”

Here
we go…

“I’m not here to talk about that, dad.”

“Of course you’re not,” my mum chipped in, making my
eyes widen. “You never could stick anything out.”

I felt Dexter stiffen beside me and I clamped my hand
down on his knee, silently telling him not to retaliate… yet.

“Why do you hate me, Mum?” I asked, unable to hold it
in another second. The knowledge has been eating away at me my entire life and
I came here today to end it. I didn’t see the point in procrastinating.

“Don’t be absurd, Emily!” my dad answered. See how
‘she’ didn’t answer? “Why would you say such a thing?”

“Because it’s true. Isn’t that right, Mum?”

“Of course not,” she answered robotically after a few
seconds hesitation that proved my point entirely.

“But you
do
blame
me for Olivia’s death, don’t you?”

“Emily, where is all this coming from? Of course no
one blames you. You were just a child!” my dad interrupted.

“Don’t you?” I repeated, my tone demanding as I
ignored my dad completely.

“You should have been watching her,” my mum finally
admitted. “I left her with you for a
few
minutes
and you let her drown. You killed her.”

“Jocelyn!” my dad admonished. “What the hell is wrong
with you?”

“Don’t worry, Dad, it’s not the first time she’s told
me how she feels.”

“I don’t… I don’t understand.”

“Like I said, she hates me. Always has.”

“That’s ridiculous! Jocelyn, tell her that’s
ridiculous!”

My mum’s silence said it all. The air turned dense and
I struggled to breathe it in. I risked a glance at my dad’s face and pain
glistened in his eyes.

“Jocelyn?” he pressed hesitantly.

“I don’t know what you want me to say, Derek.”

“What are you talking about? Tell her you don’t blame
her. Tell her you love her. She’s our daughter goddammit!”

“She’s a disappointment. Just like her brother.”

My heart twitched in my chest and from the look on my
dad’s face, so did his.

“Don’t talk about him like that,” I snapped. “You have
no idea what an amazing man he’s turned into.”

“Amazing? Remind me what he does for a living again?
Oh yes, he’s a backstreet mechanic.”

“J-Jocelyn…” my dad stuttered. “I don’t know where all
this is coming from. I don’t understand.” I actually felt a little sorry for my
dad. It would seem he really was oblivious to the animosity my mum held against
me. “How long has this been going on between you two?”

“My whole life,” I answered when it became obvious my
mum wasn’t going to.

“Why didn’t you ever say anything?” he asked me, his
face paling with shock.

“I thought you knew,” I confessed. “You side with her
over everything.”

“I don’t…” he trailed off, obviously rethinking his
answer. “Yes,” he breathed. “I suppose I do. But I thought it was just typical
mother and daughter stuff. I wanted a quiet life so I kept out of it. I had no
idea things were this bad between you and to be honest… I’m struggling to come
to terms with all this.”

“A quiet life?” my mum pressed. “So you left it down
to
me
to deal with those children so
you
could have a QUIET life?”

‘
Deal
with’.

‘
Those’
children.

She was holding back no punches today.

“Princess, I’m so sorry. Maybe you should leave. Your
mother and I need to talk.”

“It’s fine, Dad. I’m used to it really.” I guess I was
hoping for some kind of resolve – maybe for her to drop to her knees and
wail how much she really loves me when she found out how I was feeling. I
should’ve known better. “But I won’t have her disrespecting Chris. Not now.”

“What do you mean ‘not now’?” my dad asked,
straightening his back in his seat.
Damn.

“N-nothing. It’s just… he’s a wonderful person. You’d know
that if you hadn’t disowned him,” I spat.

“Princess,” he sighed regretfully. This wasn’t the
first time my dad had looked guilty at the mention of Chris’ name. I suppose
saying anything would’ve gone against the ‘quiet’ life he craved so
desperately. “Is your brother okay?”

I opened my mouth to answer – to lie to him and
tell him Chris was fine. But then my mum chimed in and I lost it.

“Who cares,” she muttered, sweeping her disinterested
eyes across the floor.

“I CARE!” I blasted.

“Emily,” Dexter soothed but I ignored him.

“You know why I care? Because my whole life it’s felt
like Chris is my only
real
family.
He’s the only one out of the lot of you who’s been there for me, loved me…
guided me. And now he’s dying. You hear me? He’s
dying
, and I’ll have no one.”

Just as the colour began to resurface in my dad’s
cheeks, it drained away again immediately, leaving him a deathly shade of grey.

“He’s… he’s…” my dad stuttered, stumbling on his
words.

“He’s got a brain tumour,” I announced. I searched my
mum’s eyes for any sign of shock – pain, sadness.

Nothing.

“Did you hear me, Mum? You’re son is going to die!”

“My only child died when she was two.”

“You heartless bitch!” Dexter yelled. He’d remained
silent the entire time but I could tell from the smarting grip he had on my
hand that’d had been a struggle for him.

“Excuse me?” my mum said boldly, widening her eyes.

“She’s your daughter! What the fuck is wrong with
you?”

“She’s not m-”

“Jocelyn, no,” my dad interrupted. “Not like this.”

“W-what do you mean?” I asked, turning my gaze to my
dad. Waves of nausea rippled through my belly and if my breathing slowed
anymore I was pretty sure I would be dead.

“Come on, doll. We need to leave.”

“I SAID
WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN?” I roared, shrugging out of Dexter’s grasp.

“Jocelyn,” my dad warned again. As usual, she took no
notice.

“It means I’m not your mother. It means I was brought
in to patch up this family and ended up having to raise two kids who I didn’t
particularly want by myself!”

“JOCELYN!”

“W-wait… are you disowning
me
too?” It’s not like I didn’t know how my mum felt about me, but
my God that stung. I supposed I’d always lived in hope that she was grieving,
and as people say, you take out your pain on the ones you love. Honestly, from
the sudden pain in my chest and the tears in my eyes, I never expected it to
come to this.

“You’re not mine to disown,” she said simply. “I’ve
just told you I’m not your mother, and I wasn’t speaking in the figurative
sense. I. Am. Not. Your. Mother.”

“Come on, Emily. We’re leaving.”

“I… how… I…”

“Doll, you’re shaking. I’m taking you home.”

“Princess please…”

“Enough!” Dexter yelled, startling me back into the
room. “You’ve done enough. Both of you.”

I didn’t move. I didn’t speak. I could barely breathe.
But suddenly I was moving anyway, and when I focused my tear-stained eyes, I
found myself in Dexter’s arms being carried from the house.

“Princess!”

My dad kept calling, but soon enough he was just a
distant whisper. Dexter carried me to my car and placed me in the passenger
seat. When he climbed in the driver side I only worried about the fact he
wasn’t insured for a split second, before breaking down, collapsing over the
gearstick and sobbing into his knees.

Who
the hell am I?

**********

When we got back home I walked absentmindedly over to
the sofa and plopped myself down. I stayed there for what could have been
forever, unable to move and unable to speak. When Chris got home several hours
later, I was
still
in the exact same
position.

“Emmie?” he asked, dropping his rucksack to the floor
and rushing over to me. “What’s the matter with her?” he turned to Dexter when
he got no response from me.

“Your parents.”

“Jesus,” he sighed. “What the fuck’s happened now?”

“Mum said…” I began, but had to stop to suck in a
deep, shaky breath. “Mum said she’s not…not my mum.”

Once the words were out I waited. I waited for him to
tell me I was being ridiculous. I waited for him to say he was going straight
round there to ask why she would lie to me like that. I waited for him to say…
anything
.

Silence.

“You already knew, didn’t you?” Dexter questioned.

After a long pause that made my heart stop beating,
Chris answered.

“Yeah. Yeah I did.”

My body craved its usual response to bad situations. I
wanted to run upstairs and hide under the bed covers until it all went away.
But I was frozen. Numb. Glued to the chair.

“She’s not my mum either.”

“Then who the fuck is she?” I blared. “Who
is
our mum?”

“Our mum is dead, Emmie. She died giving birth to you.”

Tears sprang instinctively from my eyes. Bizarrely, I
instantly started grieving for someone I didn’t know existed just a few hours
ago.

“How could they keep that from me? More importantly,
how could
you
keep that from me? I’ve
always trusted you, Chris. How could you do this to me?”

“You have to understand, when you were born I was ten
years old. Dad told me never to tell you – said it would upset you. You
were just a baby, and then by the time you were old enough to be told… so much
time had passed. You had a new mum. You were happy – loved. Or… so I
thought.”

“But I wasn’t happy and she made it perfectly clear
today that I’ve never been loved either,” I spat acidly.

“You need to believe me, Emmie… If I’d had any idea
she’d been treating you like shit I would’ve stood up for you. I would’ve told
you! I wanted to tell you so many times, and if I’m honest I think that’s why
Dad said jack shit when that bitch wanted to wash her hands of me.”