Needing You (9 page)

“What do you mean you don’t have friends? You have plenty of friends, don’t you?” He says sounding a bit taken back. Then I can see the wheels slowly turning in his head.

Ugh, why did I open my big fucking mouth? How do I get out of this stupid conversation? Here’s a little bit a truth and then I can send him on his way.

“Look Tucker, I don’t have friends, I don’t open up to people and I have my reasons.  I choose to be this way.  You didn’t hear from me because I didn’t want you to hear from me for the past few days.  I don’t think we should hang out anymore.”  Before he has the chance to say anything I open the door, “I want you to leave.”

He looks at me like I just punched him in the gut and goes to say something but I cut him off, “Tucker save it, this is best for both of us, now please just go.” He walks out the door and turns around to say something, but I quickly shut the door in his face and lock it.  I hear him say my name a few times but I drag myself to the bedroom and then cry myself to sleep this time.

The one friend I did have, I just pushed away.  This is for the best I keep telling myself.  No one needs to deal with the fucked-up mess that is me. I am broken and can’t be fixed. I accept that, now I hope Tucker does too.

Tucker

What the fuck just happened? I go from hanging out with Harp, having a great time to all of a sudden her shutting me out over the course of three days. What the hell happened on Saturday? That’s where it started, she was working and got off and had Marcus take her home instead of me. Then Sunday, she’s not around and doesn’t call me.  She doesn’t even have a phone?  What the hell, why not? Okay, clearly there is a lot more to Harper than I thought.  What the hell happened before to make her not want to have friends or open up to anyone?

Well I can understand the not opening up to people, but there has to be someone.  I know we never talked about our families and damn if I’m not kicking myself in the ass now.  What the hell is going on?  I need to get to the bottom of this. I have a sick feeling that something is wrong.  As much as I want to run back to her dorm and bust down her door, I won’t.  I respect her way too much, but I won’t give up on her.

For the first time in a long time, I realize that I can trust her.  She is different than the bullshit women I’ve dealt with before.  Then again, Harper is running away as fast as she can and it’s away from me.  But why?  What did I do that would make her want to run away from me? I figure I will give her a little bit of time and then I am going to get my answers.  I will get to the bottom of this.

So for the rest of the week, I do not bother her or stop by her dorm.  I do see her every now and then on campus, but I never make my way over to say hi.  I must say the more I watch her the more I realize she doesn’t talk to anyone.  I guess I never noticed it before, but I am shocked. Harper is a great girl, with an amazing personality. Why would she not have friends? Clearly, she is choosing to not have friends but why?  I know she talks to Park, Declan, Marcus and even Natalie at work so there are at least a few people who are her friends, right? 

I know she’s not going anywhere for spring break either which means she probably will put more hours in at the bar.  With that, she can see those guys who are I guess the only friends she does have. 

Once I come back from Spring break, I’m going to demand that Harper talk to me; how I am not sure, but I will figure it out. 

I just know this is going to be the longest week, well two weeks, of my life.  Harper has become an important part of my life and I have come to love hanging out with her. Damn it!

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Thankfully, Tucker has stayed away. As much as it sucks, I know this is for the best for both of us.  I knew I would miss hanging out with him and I do all the time. I know in time it will get better; I’m just not sure how much time.  I am starting to think I have more feelings for him than I was ever willing to admit. I know I have more feelings for him, which is why I am running away from him. 

Tuck has more experience with women than I could ever even imagine.  You have me who has never experienced anything pleasurable before.  I wouldn’t know how to open up and be the person he would want. 

Tucker and I had a great friendship but he never did try anything on me, which speaks volumes.  He’s not even interested in me like that, which I can’t say I blame him, I am messed up.  I know we had a moment once or twice before, but nothing ever came of it. Heck, we don’t even know each other.  We never discussed our pasts or families which also is a huge red flag.  I just can’t open up to him, well to anyone. 

It’s settled, I am going to focus on work and school and forget I ever met Tucker Price.

Chapter 10

It’s finally Spring break, woohoo!  No school for a week. God I needed the break, my brain is fried.  I’m working at PowerTrip pretty much all week, which will also help me pass the time, more time to not think about Tucker Price. I hope he’s having a great time on his trip; I have no idea what he ended up doing, but I hope he’s happy.  Tuck does deserve great things even though many people would say differently. 

I have my normal shifts tonight and Saturday and then I was scheduled for some day shifts next week, so it’s nice to change it up.  Tonight there is a new band playing, so it will be nice to hear something new I hope. 

I lounge around all day and then head into work later that evening. The bar is not as busy, but considering most people left for the week, it’s not surprising.  There is still a great turn out though. 

I get behind the bar and see Natalie.  She is her usual crazy self.  We make sure the coolers are well stocked then wait for the band to start.  The bar gets busier as the night goes on which is nice because this band is pretty decent.  The play more R-n-B type songs which is a nice change from some of the hard rock and heavy metal we usually sport.  We get a little down time and Natalie and I have a conversation about our plans for the rest of the week.  I just tell her I am working all week and that’s it. 

“Is Tucker coming tonight?” Natalie asks.

“No, he’s away for Spring break.”

“Oh, so are you guys dating now or what?” she asks with a nervous look on her face.

“No Natalie, we were only friends.” God I hope this conversation is over soon.

“Harp, Tucker does not have girls that are just friends, come on spill, what happened between you two?”  She says with a look on her face.

“Nothing happened, we’re just friends. We hung out and joked around and that’s it,” I say a bit irritated.

“There was nothing between you two that looked like just friends, just saying,” she says with a slight giggle.

“Seriously, nothing ever happened between us.  We hung out as friends. Now, can we drop the Tuck conversation please?” I say more than irritated now.

“Fine, but we will be discussing this later.” Nat says and then walks away.

We get busy during the evening which I am grateful for because I do not want to have that conversation with Natalie. We are co-workers and I guess she is kind of a friend, but not really.  It’s not like I know much about her other than general information that most everyone at the bar knows.

The rest of the night flies by and I am thankful Natalie does not get the chance to bring up Tucker again.  I cannot deal with that conversation right now.  I made my decision to end our friendship or whatever the heck it was and just gets back to what I am use to, me being alone.

When the night is over I collect my tips and head out the door before Natalie has a chance to catch up to me. I walk home in record time. I get showered and then crawl into bed and fall fast asleep.

I wake up screaming again, another damn nightmare. I can’t catch a break. I turn the light on and look around my room. This time my nightmare was about me and the first time my life took a turn for the worse after my sister was gone. Whoever thought that parents were to protect you lied, at least that was the case in my house. All I keep seeing is his face and the words he said over and over to me. “You were always my favorite.” To some you may think that’s great, but not in the way it was being said to me. It was disgusting.

Unfortunately for me, I didn’t understand why it was happening and I tried to question it, but never got an answer.  I just took it over and over again.  The thought makes me sick and next thing I know, I am running to the toilet throwing up everything I had eaten that day.  When my mind opens, I keep replaying everything over and over and then feel disgusting so I get into the shower again with scalding hot water and scrub my body as hard as I can. I have to get it off of me.  My tears are mixing with the scalding hot water while I continue to scrub my body.  I finally remove myself from the shower when the water turns cold. I crawl back into bed and end up crying myself back to sleep.

This is part of the reason why I am damaged, broken, never to be good for anyone. I can never let someone in to know the horror that was my life. I need to try to put this behind me and become the new me that I created; the new Harper Mae Lane.  Alaney Mae Harper is dead as far as I am concerned.

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Today is a new day and I plan to start it that way, no more past, no more hurt and pain, or tears. I need to put this shit behind me and focus on my future and my future career in photography.  Well not exactly, I’m going for psychology at the university, but I love to take pictures in my spare time. That’s what I will do, I will go and explore and take pictures, explore the area. I don’t have to be at work till tonight so it works out.

I wake up around 11 a.m. which is no surprise considering it was all but 6 a.m. when I finally fell back asleep.  I get up and make my way into the kitchen and grab a little breakfast.  I get dressed in comfy clothes and grab my camera that I had yet to unpack.  I missed taking pictures and I need to get back to doing some of the things that I love.  I head out with no plan or sense of direction and just walk. 

I heard about a hiking trail with beautiful landscaping, so I figured that was a good place to eventually get to. I walk around the small-town and finally make my way to the hiking area where people weren’t kidding, the view is amazing.  There are so many trails; it’s a huge park with amazing views.  I can see mountains, there’s a lake on another side, and the trees the views make me breathless. I take so many pictures I go crazy. God, it feels so good to get lost in something so refreshing.  Before I know it, it’s already going on 7 p.m.  Shit, I’ve been here all day.  I make my way back to my dorm and then get ready for a night of work.  Hopefully, tonight will go without a hitch.  I hope Natalie doesn’t talk anymore about Tucker. I may have to try to avoid her and I don’t want to do that, but I may not have a choice.  I will find out soon enough.

By the time I get into work, the place is packed.  I am surprised because I thought most people went away, but clearly not.  I make my way to the bar and say hey to Marcus, Natalie, Eddie, and Colin. Eddie asks if I can work on the second floor behind the bar because he is short staffed on bartenders tonight, I say sure, which gets me away from Natalie for a night.  I head upstairs to the other bar and see Greg.  I haven’t worked with him but a few times so this will be nice to work with someone different!  I say hey to him and then see he is hustling and bustling so I hurry up and help him with the line that has formed at the bar.  Even the second level is crazy packed.

They have karaoke tonight and man do people think they can sing.  I haven’t laughed so hard in a long time.  There is a machine set up on both floors and a screen so the levels can take turns allowing people to get up and attempt to sing.  It’s pretty cool to watch the variety of people who attempt karaoke.  Greg and I make bets on whether a person can sing when they walk up to the microphone before they start, and so far I am kicking his ass.  It’s not hard to tell that most people cannot sing to save their lives.  We have been impressed with a handful that was good. The bar stays packed for the rest of the night and I’m thankful. With being on the go today, I know I will fall fast asleep tonight, at least I hope so.

When the night is almost over Greg and I restock the coolers and then get ready to head home for the night. I say night to everyone on my way out and then walk home. The air is a little cooler tonight, but it feels refreshing after my shift.  I enjoy my walk home and take my time getting there, no sense in rushing right? 

By the time I get home it’s 2:45 a.m., so I hop in the shower to wash the alcohol and cigarette smell off of me and then head to bed.  By the time my face hits the pillow; I am out like a light.

But again tonight, I wake up covered in sweat; the clock reads 5:13 a.m. Damn it, I mutter to myself.  It’s the same nightmare as last night.  I calm myself down and then decide I might as well try to read because sleep is not coming easy.  I read for about two hours and fell asleep during my book.

By the time I wake up its 1:37 p.m., and I need to be at work at 3 p.m. Shit! I jump out of bed, grab a quick shower and get dressed. I make my way to the kitchen and have some leftovers that are in the fridge and sit down and watch a few minutes of mindless television.  Before I know it, it’s time to head back to PowerTrip’s. I’m happy to work a few hours during the day, so I have the entire night off.

I make it into work a few minutes early and say hey to Eddie. He tells me that Tara is new and is being trained behind the bar. I say hi to her and see if she needs any help. Tony, the bartender on shift is training her, but he needs to step out for a few hours so I step in to help her out.  She has no idea what she is doing and she drops a few things.  She puts the wrong liquor in a few shots and it’s a complete cluster-fuck. I try to explain to her, but she keeps getting frustrated and isn’t paying attention.  Boy, am I glad the bar is empty right now.  If this was during a night shift, customers would be bitching left and right.

Before Tara leaves for the day, I write down the site I used to learn about mixed drinks and give it to her.  She thanks me and then heads out the door.  Eddie comes up and talks to me about Tara and I don’t want to be rude, but damn does she have a way to go. I learned today was her second day so she will have a little bit more time to learn and lucky for her because she needs it.