Needing You (8 page)

I don’t want to dwell, but I am sure that Tucker is probably meeting the redhead after he checked on me. I can’t say I blame him, she was stunning, and he is gorgeous so it only makes sense that two great looking people would hook-up. Tonight though, I just can’t help feeling jealous.

As much as I would love to try a relationship with someone at some point, I just know it would never work out. I am fucked up beyond repair, so the less anyone knows about me the better.

Unfortunately for me, tonight is not a good night for sleep.  I wake up about an hour or two later drenched in sweat, shaking like a leaf, and tears streaming down my face. This is why I will never be able to have a relationship. I wipe my face and try to calm myself down before I put myself in a full-blown panic attack. Finally, by breathing slowly, I am able to calm down my racing body and relax a bit.  Unfortunately, no more sleep will come.  Also, this time my nightmare was a bit different.  No matter how many times I see my sister’s dead body and the blood that surrounds her, this time I see my mother holding the knife.  My mom is only in my nightmares when she’s yelling at me, blaming me for shit that happened but not this time, it seemed so real.  Too bad for me, I know my mom didn’t kill my sister. 

I pull out my sister’s journal and start at the beginning again and read it, all the while with tears falling down my face.  No matter how many times I read her diary, I always cry.  I cry for the joy that is written in her words, for the sorrow, and for the pain she was in. There are times I blame myself because I didn’t know and I should have, but I know deep down there was nothing I would have been able to do, I was just a kid. It doesn’t make it any easier to deal with though.  God I miss her every freaking day.  It’s like the day she died, part of me died too. Which is just part of the reason why I could never date Tucker or anyone else for that matter, I’m just not whole anymore. 

This is about the time where I start to pull away because who needs someone who pulls other people down in their misery. I hate that and I make sure to not do the same to others. Just because I can’t deal with shit doesn’t mean I need to cause issues or problems to others as well.

Starting tomorrow, I need to go back into my quiet little shell and focus on my schooling and not about boys or relationships or anything else along those lines.  I need to get my priorities in check and I will do that starting tomorrow.

Chapter 9

I wake up around l p.m. because clearly, I didn’t get to sleep at a decent hour which is fine; less time to worry or think about other bull shit.  I get up, eat, and then decide to take a shower.  I thought about running, but didn’t want to run into Tucker, so I stayed inside with the lights off so it would appear like I am not even home.  I stay tucked inside my bedroom all day to catch up on my reading.

Before I know it, it’s time to head into work. I’m excited because I know it’s going to be a crazy busy night since King Dread is playing. This is a good thing because I won’t have time to think about other shit going on in my head and just focus on work. I decide to head into work early and help set up, plus I need out of my apartment.  I take a longer route to work just to enjoy the fresh air before being stuck in the bar with the drunken crazies I am sure I’ll be seeing later. 

I get to the bar around 7 p.m. and help make sure everything is stocked.  I even talk to the band for a few minutes before they set up their equipment.  They are a bunch of great guys.  I wish them luck and then head back behind the bar.  I also found a time to grab Eddie and talk to him about Spring break and working during the week; he advised it would be great and he will make sure I am added to the schedule.  Thank God. I am going to need something to keep me busy.  Luckily enough it is less than a week away. I just need to get through this week without talking to Tucker and then he will be gone for a week which should make it easier. 
I can do this,
I keep telling myself.  Hopefully soon I will believe it.

I ask Marcus if he can take me home after work tonight because I know I am not supposed to walk home and I don’t want Tucker to get the chance to offer to take me home.  Marcus tells me it’s not a problem.

The bar starts to get busy pretty early tonight which is no surprise.  Natalie comes in a little while later looks tired as all hell. I don’t call her out on it though because it’s not like she wouldn’t know how she looks anyway. 

We get slammed and continue to stay that way for the rest of the night.  I did see Tucker at one point, but I make it a point not to take my break tonight and tell Natalie to go ahead and take my extra fifteen minutes because, damn, she looks like she needs it. She thanked me and headed to the backroom for a bit. 

Marcus and I tend the bar and are able to keep up with all the crazy customers in their drunken stupors. The band is playing a few new songs which the crowd seems to love. I must admit I love the new songs too. They are catchy and the beat is great to dance to. Also, the words carry such passion, I know one of the guys wrote the song just not sure which one.  The guys write all their own songs which are amazing.  That is true talent in itself and they outdid themselves with the new song they just played.  I hope they make it big time, because they deserve it.

I have never seen a group work so hard to get where they’re at, I hope they get noticed soon.  This reminds me, I should get them to all autograph something for me, so when they do make it big, I can say I knew you back when. I laugh to myself, I should do that. 

I saw Tucker one other time and some brunette was with him this time.  Hopefully he leaves with her; it will make my exit less awkward.  Unfortunately something tells me that won’t be the case, he will be waiting outside like usual.  But we didn’t talk about it tonight so hopefully he continues with other plans.  He is here with his frat guys and they are all surrounded by chicks. I make it a habit to not look in his direction. I need to stick to my guns and let him go. I take up way too much of his time anyway when he could be partying and meeting girls, potential girlfriends. I know I’ll miss hanging out with him, but what I am doing is best for the both of us. 

By the time the bar is closed, I am spent.  My feet hurt, my head hurts, and my eyes want to fall out of my head.  Natalie ended up leaving early so we were extra busy which means extra dead tired now.  The tips are amazing though, so I suck it up and help restock the coolers then ask Marcus when he’s ready to go.  He tells me he’s ready and we head out to the parking lot.  Just like I thought, Tucker is standing at the corner waiting for me. 

I say hey and then tell him that Marcus is taking me home and that I will talk to him later.  I continue to walk to Marcus’ car and Tucker catches up and says, “I can take you home.”

“It’s okay, I’m beat anyway. Go hang out with your friends and I’ll talk to you later, goodnight Tuck.” And without another word, I get into Marcus’ car and shut the door.  I can tell by the look on Tucker’s face he knows something’s going on, but he doesn’t say anything, just waves as we pull out on to the road, towards home.

Tonight goes a lot like last night, I get home take a shower and then head to bed because I’m exhausted.  I thought sleep would come quickly and it does, but so does the nightmares.  I’m not sure how long I slept but it felt like ten damn minutes before I wake up screaming, tears rolling down my face,  and me punching my pillow thinking it’s someone else.  God, why won’t they stop? I just want a normal life, without the messed up bullshit, without the drama, just a carefree normal teenage life like most kids have.  Most kids don’t grow up with a fucked-up family like mine.

This nightmare was different than last night’s, but it’s no better than the night before.  This time it was me screaming and fighting, not my sister, and who’s going to believe a child over an adult, apparently no one because that’s reality.  Kids lie, parents tell the truth, what a crock of shit.  If one person would have believed my sister she would be here today, but because no adult would believe her, at least not enough to step in and do anything, my sister had to take control into her own hands and make a decision that would ruin the rest of our lives.  Well not our lives, particularly mine.  My life is the one that got fucked-up once she decided she had enough.  If only she would have talked to me, I would have done something, tried something; instead I learned about it from her journal and then later found the reality of it out myself.

Whoever said the truth will set you free lied, because my sister told the truth and look where it got her, six feet under the fucking ground.  Even after her death, my parents were able to come up with some bullshit cover story so they would continue to look like the amazing family, except I knew the truth.  But hell, did I do anything, no!  I just left, ran away, when I turned eighteen with no intentions of ever going back.  If I go back, I would kill the monster and then I would be stuck in jail where the monster deserves to be.  How is that fair? I don’t understand the world sometimes, it just doesn’t make sense.

After crying my eyes out, crying for me and for my sister, I finally succumb to sleep. I have no plans for tomorrow anyway except hiding in my apartment all day, so hopefully I can sleep the day away.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I wake up and lucky for me it’s already 2 p.m.  I slept a good part of the day away.  I decide I need to do some laundry so I gather my clothes and then head down to the laundry room.  I make sure to take my e-reader because I am going to be down here for a while.  I throw two loads in the open washers and then have a seat and fall into the romance novel I am currently reading. 

I finish the book I was reading by the time the buzzer goes off on the last dryer.  I walk over and take out my final load, fold it and put the clothes into the basket. I make my way back up to my apartment. Once inside I realize I was in the laundry room for almost three hours, that is ridiculous, but at least I was out of the apartment, I think.  I put my clothes away and then heat up some food because I’m starving.  I sit in front of the television and watch some dumb reality show. I feel like all TV shows are reality now and they are getting dumber by the show.  It’s ridiculous, but there’s nothing else on so I watch the stupid show.  As I get up to refill my drink I see a piece of paper on the floor by the door, I go and pick it up and see it is a note from Tucker.

It reads:

Hey Harp,

I stopped by, but I guess you aren’t here. Give me a call when you get in and I’ll come over and hang out.

Tuck

555-322-4525

Unfortunately, during all the times Tuck and I hung out we never exchanged phone numbers which is good considering I don’t have a cell phone.  I wasn’t allowed one after my sister died and it’s not like I needed one anyway. I don’t call anyone and I don’t have friends that call me, so what would be the point of having a monthly bill when it would never get used.

I throw Tuck’s note on the table and make my way back to the couch to finish watching TV and eating my food.  I hope he doesn’t show back up, but I doubt that that will be the case.  I decide to head back to the bedroom, I make sure the door is locked and the lights are all out so hopefully Tucker will think I’m not at home. 

I sit in my bedroom and work on some homework that is due this week and then decide to go to sleep early.  If Tucker came back, I never heard him because I was out cold.

I wake up around 8 a.m. in the morning which works because my first class is at 9 a.m., so I hop in the shower, dry my hair and get ready for my first class. I decide to leave early and stop and get tea and a bagel at a little breakfast place by my dorm.  I’m not in the mood for coffee, so I figure black tea can do the trick today.  I take my tea and bagel and head to my first class.  The room is pretty empty so I sit down in my seat and eat my bagel while waiting for the class to start. 

When class is over, I am rather surprised that Tucker isn’t waiting for me. Maybe he got the hint, who knows. I decide to head back to my dorm until my next class which doesn’t start until 1:30 p.m. I head inside and set my stuff down and then get something to eat out of the fridge. I decide to look over some notes that I just received in my class and work on the paper that is due this Friday. Go figure, the instructor wants an assignment done right before Spring break comes.  Ugh o-well.  I start my paper while the information is still fresh in my mind and before I know it I have half the paper written, but now it’s time to head to my next class.

I go to my next class two classes and finish my day and still no Tucker.  Okay, now I’m starting to worry, maybe something happened to him. I haven’t had the chance to tell him I think we shouldn’t hang out anymore and I haven’t heard from him other than the note he left. I hope he’s okay.

I head back home and go inside and decide to finish writing the paper I started earlier.  I sit down and get to work.  I finish the paper about an hour and a half later.  Well, that is one less thing that I have to worry about this week.  I get up to grab some food when there is a knock at my door, I open it and there stands a confused looking Tucker.  He comes in, “Harper is everything okay?”

“Yeah why wouldn’t it be?” I ask.

“Well, I stopped by yesterday, but clearly you weren’t here and I left a note, but I haven’t heard from you yet,” he says looking worriedly at me.

“Oh sorry about that, I did get your note, but I don’t have a phone so I couldn’t call you.” 

“What do you mean you don’t have a phone?” he says looking confused.

“Exactly what I said, I don’t have a cell phone, so I couldn’t call you.” 

“Why don’t you have a cell phone?” he sounds almost mad.

“Because I don’t need one, that’s why,” now I’m getting irritated.

“Harper, everyone has a phone these days,” he states matter of fact.

Before I think, I yell, “What’s the point of having a damn phone if you don’t have friends, there’s no one to call.”