My Sweetest Escape (42 page)

down, but it didn’t happen. I waited and

heard quiet talking and people going back

up the stairs.

Then…silence. The door shut and I

waited for someone to come and try to talk

to me through the door. Nothing.

I moved to the crack between the door

and the frame and listened, just to make

sure. Nope, it was quiet.

Wow. That was the first time someone

had listened to me.

I wiped my eyes and blew my nose and

tried not to fall further apart. I’d cried so

much already, been in so much pain, but

this, this was the worst.

This was what was below rock bottom,

whatever they called that. They probably

didn’t have a name for it.

The next few hours involved me crying

more tears than I knew were possible and

going through an entire box of tissues as I

sat on the floor of my bedroom and

wondered what the fuck I was going to do. I

went through several options, but none of

them seemed viable.

What I wanted, what I really wanted,

was to go to a new place. Just cut my losses

and pick up and leave. Everything, including

my family. Invent a new person to be, a

new person that people wouldn’t ask

questions about. It’s what a girl in a movie

would do. I’d have to cut and/or dye my

hair, though, and get completely different

clothes for it to work.

I was delusional. I couldn’t start over,

because they wouldn’t let me. Hannah had

said she was jealous of how many people

cared about me, but I’d willingly hand them

over to her.

She needed it more than I did. How

horrible it was, what had happened to her.

When I was finally able to get myself to

move, I went to my computer and put

Coldplay’s “The Scientist” on repeat.

My below-rock-bottom moment needed

a sound track. I really had to pee, which was

insane, given how much water I’d already

let out of my body through my tears, but I

wanted to make sure there wasn’t someone

camped outside my door.

After listening for a little while for the

smallest sound, I unlocked the door and

poked my head out.

Empty. I breathed a tiny sigh of relief

and scurried to the bathroom in case they

were listening and waiting for me to

emerge from my room to attack me. I

wasn’t going to take any chances. I thought

I was home free when I opened the door of

the bathroom, but someone got up from

the couch.

He’d been so freaking quiet I had no

idea how long he’d been there.

“Dusty.” I breathed his name and it was

both a blessing and a curse at the same

time.

“Hey, Red. We need to talk. I know you

don’t want to hear what I have to say, but I

think I can change your mind.”

“Did Renee send you down here to drag

me out so they can do whatever they’re

plotting to do with me?” The mind reeled

with possibilities. I bet she wouldn’t be

above forcing me to go to a facility. I’d been

threatened with that more times than I

could count, but this time they might

actually be able to do it, even though I was

of age.

“No, I came on my own. She wasn’t

going to let me in the house, but Hunter

convinced her that I was the only one who

could get through to you. Would you just

listen? You don’t have to do anything else.

Just listen.”

“Dusty—”

He put up his hands, like I was holding

him at gunpoint.

“Just wait here. I have to get something.

I swear, I’ll be right back. Yes, you could just

go in your room and lock the door and I will

respect that, this time, but I beg you.

Please, Joscelyn.” He was brave to come

near the house, what with Renee on the

warpath and a target on his back.

“Okay.” Moving slowly from behind the

couch, he kept facing me, probably so I

didn’t make any sudden movements.

He even walked up the stairs backward

and had to grope for the door handle. If I

wasn’t so far from laughing, I might have

found it funny.

For a split second, I considered going

into my room and locking the door, just to

get this over with, but something told me

he’d be back and he wouldn’t give up.

I heard voices, and I wondered for a

moment if he’d set me up, and they were

going to come storming down the stairs, all

dressed in riot gear. My suspicions turned

out to be nothing more than that when

Dusty slowly opened the door and came

back down the stairs, cradling something to

his chest with one hand. A tiny sound told

me that it was Napoleon.

“So you think you’re going to use your

adorable kitten to get me to listen to you,

huh?” Napoleon poked his sleepy head out

from the folds of Dusty’s sleeve. Why did he

have to be so freaking sweet?

“I play dirty. Here.” He held Napoleon

out to me, and Napoleon protested at being

moved. “It was a job to get him away from

the ladies upstairs, I’ll tell you that much.

I’m pretty sure this house is going to be

full of kittens next week.” I had no choice

but to take hold of Napoleon. I put him up

to my face and he snuggled under my chin

and started purring. This was the key to

world peace, I swear. Kittens. Start

dropping those in the Middle East and

problems solved.

“Would you like to sit?” Dusty gestured

to the couch as if he was an old-time

gentleman inviting me into his parlor for

tea. I nodded and went to sit on the couch,

still holding the sweet Napoleon, who was

playing with my hair.

“Don’t eat that,” I said, taking some of it

out of his mouth.

Dusty made sure he had quite a bit of

distance between us, but I remembered

how that had gone last time we’d been on

this couch. This time, though, there would

be no kissing, even if I wanted to.

“Joscelyn?”

I looked up from the adorable kitten to

meet Dusty’s hypnotic eyes. Two very

different things, but equally captivating.

“Hannah shared with me what you told

her earlier. About… about Nate.” His voice

broke a little on Nathan’s name. “And it’s

just not true, Jos. It’s not.”

“I can’t believe she told you,” I said,

looking back at the kitten because it didn’t

hurt as much as looking at Dusty.

“Don’t be mad at her.”

“I’m not mad at her.” I wasn’t really mad

anymore. I’d gotten to that place where you

just don’t feel anything. It was kind of nice.

Emotional purgatory. “So go ahead—talk.”

“It’s not your fault that Nate died. It’s

mine.”

“Yeah, you said that.” I looked up from

the kitten and wished I hadn’t. Dusty was

crying, and in the second it took for me to

realize he was crying, I snapped out of my

emotional purgatory from a moment

earlier.

“Yes, I did. He was coming to get me

from my parents’, and I was on the phone

with him just before it happened. If he

wouldn’t have brought me to Maine from

the concert, he wouldn’t have been on that

highway.”

With that, I went back to petting the

kitten as tears rolled down Dusty’s face and

splashed on his shirt. He didn’t bother to

wipe them, which made it worse, somehow.

“Joscelyn. He was coming to get me. I’d

gotten arrested, again, for drinking

underage. The charges were later dropped,

but that doesn’t matter. What matters is

that I asked him to come and bail me out,

and that’s why he was on that highway. To

save my stupid ass, again. I can’t count how

many times he drove home for me, and…”

The tears finally became too much and he

sobbed, leaning toward me.

“How could you blame yourself, you

beautiful girl? How could you ever think you

were responsible?”

“How could you?” I said, turning it

around on him. “I’m carrying this blame.

Not you. It’s mine, and mine alone.”

He moved closer to me and seized my

hands.

“No. You will not carry this alone. It’s

not yours to carry.”

He let go of my hands and held my face,

and I couldn’t breathe. Napoleon protested

at being squished, so I moved him.

“It’s not yours,” I countered.

“Look, we can play this game all night, or

you could let me kiss you and we can put

the blame aside for a little while.

I need to show you how much I missed

you.” He didn’t wait for an invitation and his

lips descended on mine. He tasted salty

from the tears, but behind that was the

familiar Dusty taste that I had missed, more

than I would ever admit to him.

“Kitten,” I said as I broke away from him

for just a second. Dusty picked Napoleon up

and set him on the floor, where he cried.

“Take him upstairs?” Dusty nodded against

my mouth.

“Be right back.” He scooped up the

now-grumpy kitten and took the stairs two

at a time. I lay back on the couch and ran

my hand through my hair.

What was I doing? I shouldn’t be kissing

Dusty, no matter how good it felt and how

much I wanted to. It was wrong.

We were wrong together. It would never

work. There would always be something

between us, and it might not be a problem

now, but down the road it would separate

us. It would.

Dusty came back and straddled me.

“Where were we?”

I put my hand on his chest.

“I can’t.”

He made a frustrated sound and shook

his head.

“Yes, you can, and you want to.”

Yes on both counts.

“We shouldn’t. We shouldn’t start,

because then this will turn into something

and I can’t let it. I can’t let this be

something, because I don’t want to lose it.

It’s better not to start at all than to get into

it and then have it gone. I couldn’t deal with

you being gone, Dusty.”

“You’re not going to lose me.”

“I never thought I was going to lose

Nathan. Did he ever tell you about me?”

“Yes. I didn’t know it was you, though.

He always called you Jossy but I didn’t make

the connection. And he never really told me

much about you. Just that you’d become

friends and that you had terrible taste in

music that he was bound and determined

to change.”

I almost smiled, remembering. “He did

say that. A lot.”

“Did you love him? Is that why?”

I put my other hand on his chest.

“No, I didn’t love him in the way you’re

asking. I loved him like the older brother I

always wanted, but never had.

I have a lot of siblings, but I’m not very

close with any of them. They tend to come

and go when my parents get married and

divorced. I’ve had so many people walk in

and out of my life, and he was one of the

only people I was sure would stay, would

always be there, and now he’s gone and it’s

my fault and I can’t stand it if I lose you,

too. I can’t, Dusty, because I love you. I love

you so much and I can’t lose you, too. I

can’t.” This time I was the one who reached

for the kiss, and he met me halfway.

“I don’t want to lose you, either, but

neither of us is going anywhere, right now,

at this moment, so we should enjoy it.”

“Live the day,” I said, touching the sides

of his face. He felt so good.

“Yeah, Nate used to say that.”

“I know.”

“So let’s live, Joscelyn. Right now.”

So I brought his mouth back to mine,

and our lips had another joyous reunion.

Now it was time for our bodies to be

introduced. The kiss got more intense, and

he pressed himself against me, and I knew,

beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I wanted

to give myself to him, completely.

“Take me to the bedroom?” I said. No

second-guessing.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes. Live a little with me.”

“Okay, Red.” He picked me up and

carried me to my bedroom. I didn’t think

about if it was a bad decision or not, or

second-guess the intelligence of doing this

now, when I was so emotionally fucked. It

was exhausting doing all that thinking. Just

like when I gave myself up to the melody of

an amazing song, I wanted to give my body

up to this amazing guy. No, not give it to

him, share it with him.

“The Scientist” was still playing, so I shut

my computer and the music stopped and

only the sound of our breathing filled the

room. Dusty kissed my lips and then down

my neck. It was a little more frantic this

time, as he couldn’t get enough of me.

Well, the feeling was mutual. I nearly tore

his shirt off in my haste to get him

undressed.

“Easy, Red,” he said as it got caught on

his head and he had to help me pull it the

rest of the way off. I traced the tattoo on

his arm.

“‘Little brother.’ Nate had one that said