My Sweetest Escape (41 page)

pretended not to notice.

I’d emailed Brett that I couldn’t come

for my first day of work because I was sick,

and Hannah helped me out by laying it on

thick with him as well, so he just said he’d

see me next Tuesday.

“Thanks. You’re the first person who’s

told me that.”

She pulled a Ziploc bag out of her

backpack and held it out to me. “I figured all

that candy shouldn’t go to waste.”

“No, thanks,” I said, swallowing a roll of

nausea. Candy had never made me sick

before, and it was a damn shame, but I

couldn’t look at that bag without thinking

about Dusty.

He had ruined my enjoyment of candy.

Honestly, that kind of pissed me off, which

made me grab the bag from her and shove

a handful into my mouth. No one, not even

Dusty, was going to take that away from

me.

“That’s my girl,” she said, giving me a

huge smile. “And you don’t look that bad.”

“I appreciate that.”

Wednesday was hard to get through.

Mostly because I was so distracted with

thinking about the past and Dusty and

things I’d struggled for so long to repress

and put away.

People had to repeat themselves and I

was totally off in Pam’s class and the look

that she gave me wasn’t pretty. It was

worse on Thursday and by lunch on Friday I

was so ready for the weekend so I could just

hole up in my room and not have to fake it

anymore.

“Dude, if you want to come over, my

roommate is gone for the weekend.”

Hannah had been the missing half of my

brain, which was exactly what I needed.

“We could do a Buffy marathon and just

camp out in my room and order food

whenever we needed it. Or we could just

live on that bucket of candy. I mean, we are

college students. It’s kind of expected.”

“That sounds awesome, but I don’t think

Renee is letting me out of her sight. But you

could bring all of those things to

Yellowfield, and we could camp out in the

man cave. I’m sure we can rope some of the

girls into keeping the guys away.

Actually, the guys have been kind of

avoiding me, now that I think of it.” Maybe

they thought that I hated all men now, and

them by association.

“Good. Then we can do just girl time.

Who needs ’em?”

“You’re preaching to the choir.” Not that

I’d ever been really boy crazy, but I

definitely could do without seeing one of

them for the foreseeable future.

My birthday was also fast approaching. I

hadn’t forgotten about it, really, but it

wasn’t at the top of my priority list. Besides,

nineteen wasn’t that great of an age

anyway. Not like eighteen or twenty-one.

No one had mentioned it much at the

house, either, apart from that one time

when the girls went out shopping. I still

hadn’t found where they’d stashed the

results of that trip. Probably in the attic,

which I wouldn’t go near if someone paid

me. I’d found a mutant spider the size of my

hand once when I was a kid and had been

hiding in one, and as a consequence I

avoided them.

Still no word from Dusty. I hadn’t seen

him on campus, either, even though I’d had

several close calls where I thought I saw him

and had to duck behind a bush, but it never

turned out to be him anyway.

Hannah and I spent most of the

weekend holed up in the man cave

watching endless episodes of Buffy and

ignoring the calorie count for everything we

ate. I’d gone nearly ten minutes without

thinking about Dusty when Hannah brought

him up.

“I know I’m supposed to be all friend-y

and not ask you about what went on with

you and Dusty, but it’s been killing me for

days. Will you tell me what happened?”

“You’re one to talk about sharing

secrets, Hannah,” I said, shoving another

handful of salt-and-vinegar chips into my

mouth. I really needed to shower, and I’d

been wearing the same sweats since Friday

night.

“Okay, if that’s the way you want to play

it, I’ll show you mine if you show me yours.”

“Did you—” I said, moving away from

her on the couch.

“No, I did not mean to make it sound

like that. Despite the fact that I haven’t

gotten any action in I-don’t-care-to

remember how long, I don’t swing that way.

Do you want to hear this or not?”

“You’d be willing to do that?”

“Sure, it’ll bond us for life or some such

shit like that. I’ll go first, if you want.”

Was I ready for this? I hadn’t told a

single person.

“Sure.”

She sat up and turned the television

volume down.

“So you know I’ve got these awesome

burns? Well, the truth is that my brother

tried to set me on fire when we were kids. I

was four at the time and he was eight, and

we were out in the backyard. He’d always

had a thing for fire, and had nearly burned

the house down several times, but no

matter how many times Mom hid the

matches, he always seemed to find them.

Aaron is smart. Like, really smart. Like,

hack-into-a-government-database-with-one

-hand-tied-behind-his-back smart. Anyway,

so he told me to stand real still. I had no

idea what the hell was going on, except he

told me that he was going to give me candy

if I stood real still. I just remember the snap

as he struck the match on the box and the

look on his face as he threw it at me.”

I couldn’t even breathe.

“From there things get a little fuzzy, but

I think I somehow remembered something

from one of those kids’ specials about

stopping, dropping and rolling, so that’s

what I did, and it saved my life. My mom

ran out when she heard me screaming and

stopped Aaron from completely lighting me

up. A trip and a long stay in the hospital and

tons of skin grafts and surgeries later and

here I am.” She gave me a smile, but it was

dark. Haunted.

My mouth was so dry I had to take a

drink of water before I could say anything.

“What happened to him?”

Hannah grabbed her can of soda and I

saw her hand shaking.

“They put him in a mental health facility,

doped him up.

He’s still there. It was either that or jail,

and my parents chose that. He’s of age

now, but he’s still too much of a danger to

be let out. So, that’s my story. Now show

me yours.”

She flipped so quickly that I couldn’t

follow. I couldn’t process what she’d told

me. Once again, it was something that had

been done to her. Something she’d had

absolutely no control over. Hannah was a

victim; I’d created one.

“I…I don’t know if I can, Hannah. I

haven’t told anyone.”

She got up and sat on her knees right in

front of me.

“Look, we all have terrible shit in our

lives. Every single person on this planet at

some time or another has had a secret they

would rather die than share. It’s part of

being human, of being alive. Stuff happens

and we can’t deal with it. But what I’ve

learned is that we are stronger than what

happens to us. You can’t let it define you.

The fucked-up parts of you are just that.

Parts. But I understand if you’re not ready.

It took me a long time and a lot of therapy

to be able to even remember what

happened. I blocked it out for a long time.”

My eyes skimmed over the scars on her

face and neck and arm and I couldn’t even

imagine the horror she’d been through.

“I killed someone,” I blurted out. To her

credit, Hannah didn’t gasp like I expected

her to. Her eyes went wide for a second and

she shook her head.

“Okay, then. I think I’m going to need

some details before I process this.” She got

up and sat back down on the couch beside

me. “Because that can mean a lot of

things.”

I took the deepest breath of my life and

started from the beginning. How I’d met

Nathan randomly at a party that I’d gone to

in order to satisfy my stupid friends, and

how we’d formed an odd friendship and

how he’d started making me open my eyes

to the world and music and having fun and

then how I’d begged him to go to the

concert, and then drive me home, and how

I’d called him and begged him to come get

me.

“He was just hanging up with me when

it happened. They figured he must have

been looking down at the phone, or have

dropped it, or something. He never saw the

tractor-trailer truck, and that was it. Nathan

is dead because of me.”

Saying the words had been as hard as

slicing into my soul and bleeding them out,

word by word, drop by drop. Whoever said

the truth was freeing had never held a

secret like this. Somewhere around the

middle of my story, I’d started crying again,

but I was kind of used to it by now. It was a

bit like being a leaky faucet.

I tried to turn my tears off and waited

for Hannah to process.

“So you think you’re the reason Nathan

hit that truck.”

“I
am
the reason, Hannah. He never

would have been on that road at that time,

and he wouldn’t have been distracted. I’m

responsible for all of it.”

“You. Are. Mother. Fucking. Crazy,” she

said before she dived at me, putting her

arms around me and pulling me close in a

rib-crushing hug. “How in the hell have you

convinced yourself that it’s your fault?”

See? That was my exact fear. That

whoever I told would try to convince me

that it wasn’t. That it was just an accident

and no one’s fault, etc. No. I wouldn’t go for

that. People had used that excuse for

thousands of years to get themselves off

the hook for the horrible things they’d

done. Not me.

Hannah wouldn’t let go of me, and I was

having trouble breathing.

“You need to let go,” I sort of gasped.

“Oh, sorry.” She pulled back, but kept

her hands on my shoulders. I couldn’t look

at her.

“So there, I told you. Now you can get

off my back about it.”

I tried to get up, but she wouldn’t let

me.

“No way. You are not going anywhere.

You’ve carried this alone for too long, and

I’m not going to let you carry it a second

longer. What happened was an act of God

or a shitty day or a whole host of things.

You’re one of those people, Jos, who can’t

stand not having an explanation for

something, a reason. There was no reason

for this. There wasn’t a reason for my

fucking brother to set me on fire.” She

couldn’t compare the circumstances. They

just weren’t the same. I wrenched myself

free from her grip.

“I knew this would happen if I told

someone. I knew they would try to talk me

out of feeling bad, but I don’t want to stop

feeling bad. He was a wonderful person and

he didn’t deserve to die. The world is a

worse-off place without him, and I’m the

one that caused that. I won’t let you take

the pain that I should be feeling away from

me. If I don’t have pain that he’s gone, then

who will?”

“I don’t know where you got such

fucked-up logic from, but I’m going to stop

you right there, because this is crazy.

Bat-shit crazy.” She tried to grab my

shoulders, probably to shake me, but I

backed away.

“Great, now you think I’m crazy. Thanks

so much, Hannah. I feel so much better that

I finally told you.” I went for the stairs,

because it was the only escape down here.

She blocked my exit. Damn, her reflexes

were good.

“I told you that it took a lot of therapy

for me to get where I am, and part of that

very expensive therapy was letting go of my

anger toward my brother. I had to let it go

or I would never be free of him and what

had happened. I’m not saying I’m the poster

child for letting go, or that I’m even okay,

but the one thing I do know is that you have

to let go of this guilt, Jos. It’s going to kill

you, and I don’t think Nathan would have

wanted that.”

I exploded.

“How the fuck do you know what he

would have wanted? You didn’t know him.

No one will ever get to know him again.”

My yelling brought the pounding of

footsteps, and the door at the top of the

stairs opened.

“What’s wrong?” Renee came rushing

down, with everyone else just behind her.

“Why can’t you all leave me the fuck

alone?! I just want you all to stop trying to

save me, because I don’t want to be fucking

saved, okay?! JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!” I had

nowhere else to go, so I went for my

bedroom, managing to get the door shut

and locked before they could catch me.

I waited for someone to bang the door