My Stupid Girl (43 page)

“Hey!” I froze as I heard a door slam and a
tall overweight balding man came out of the yellow house to yell at us from the
front porch.

“Run!” Michelle yelled, grabbed my hand,
and yanked me down the street. It was a good thing we were wearing
predominantly black clothing. I ran on my toes so my boots made less noise,
which made me look like a sporadic cartoon soldier hopping away. Michelle was
giggling uncontrollably next to me, but I was scared to death. I just knew we
were going to get caught and I was going to jail. We saw headlights behind us.
Michelle leaned her body against mine and we went flying into some bushes,
rolling into someone’s lawn, surrounded by a thick hedge of green.

Michelle toppled over me, her tiny body
coming to rest on top of me, her little legs sticking in an odd position,
putting pressure on my thighs which made me suck my breath in discomfort. She
put her hand over my mouth and started laughing, not bothering to get off of
me. Her shoulder length purple hair was tickling my face so I gathered it up
and held it in a ponytail behind her neck, my hand acting as a rubber band. I
felt her gaunt body shiver from having an exposed neck. I let her hair fall again,
allowing it to tickle my nose. I put my arm around her waist, trying to roll
her off of me but she kept her ground and stared at me with intense eyes.

My skin burned with a mixture of
embarrassment and excitement. I felt trapped inside this purple prison,
Michelle’s hair falling around my face, keeping my eyes locked on hers. Her
hips were digging into my stomach, and her knees were piercing my thighs, but I
wanted to keep looking at her. My mind was racing. Michelle reached her hand
up, brushed my hair completely out of my face, and smiled.

It was a kind smile and I felt my heart
race under my ribs, I couldn’t tell from confusion or joy. She used a long
finger to follow my scar up my cheekbone. I closed my eyes, remembering the day
that Lucy had done that, when she had completely exposed my face and felt my
scar like Michelle was doing now. For some reason, this situation didn’t seem
anywhere close to as threatening as when Lucy had done it. Michelle bent her
face lower and put her lips on mine, kissing me.

She kissed me differently than I had ever
been kissed. Michelle wasn’t gentle like Lucy, or fake-hesitant like Rachel.
Michelle’s lips were crushing me. Her hands were strong, wrapped around the
back of my neck. She tasted like lipstick and smelled like hairspray and
fruit-flavored gum mixed with cigarettes. I remembered Lucy, the way she always
tasted like cinnamon toothpaste and how her hair smelled like flowers and mint.
I put my hand behind Michelle’s head and my fingers got caught in-between the purple
strands. I found myself longing for the soft waves that I had felt so many
times. Michelle’s thin lips were as unfamiliar as the big soft ones I had been
used to. Her lip ring was cold and the ball on the end of it dug into my lower
lip.

She reached her hand up and moved it
through my hair, sending a confused spark into my arms. I wanted to keep
kissing her, but I really needed to stop and process all this. Michelle moved
her fingers to my eyebrow ring and spun it playfully. Lucy had always done that
and I smiled involuntarily at the memory. I could feel Michelle’s urgency. I
could feel her chest get heavier on mine, the little ring hidden under my shirt
dug into my skin, piercing it. I rolled over so Michelle was on her side. I
moved my lips away from her mouth and tried to speak.

“Michelle.” I wiggled away from her lips
and pinned her to the ground so she had to stop kissing me. Her face looked
happier than I had ever seen. That was, until she realized how much force I was
using. 

“What’s wrong?” She sounded confused.

“Nothing, it’s just--” I stopped talking
and took in her hurt eyes. I sat up and crossed my legs and held my arms out
for her. She crawled over to me and sat in my lap, putting her head on my
shoulder. My shirt felt wet. I couldn’t believe it. I had made Michelle cry. I
was going to say that I had just realized I had been comparing every move she
made and every word that she said to Lucy all night. But I thought better of
that. I put my chin on the top of her head and held her closer to me, feeling
the big brother in me coming out, wanting to protect her. 

“Michelle, I am still in love with Lucy. I
don’t want to do this.” I spoke softly, in measured tones. I wanted to be
honest with her. But I didn’t want to hurt her feelings by telling her how
poorly she compared to that stupid girl I couldn’t let go of. 

“I see.” She took a deep breath and looked
up at me, her eyes even softer than before, I could almost see that girl in the
long red dress at Prom. 

“I’m sorry Mich.” 

“I’ve liked you since I was twelve, you
know.” She also spoke quietly, burying her head into my neck. She was acting
shy, an emotion I didn’t know she possessed.

“Wow, is that why you always beat me up?” I
shook her playfully but held her tighter when I was done. She didn’t answer but
she laughed breathlessly.

“Lucy has moved on, you know,” she
whispered into my neck, almost like she hated saying it. My heart sank into a
deep hole that made me want to throw up from the pain.

“Is she with someone else?” I asked, trying
to build my heart up for the attack. I tried assembling a wall around my
emotions, brick by brick, but each time I saw those blue eyes in my mind it
crumbled. I kept attempting it anyways, feeling the pain deepen as I saw
Michelle choose her words carefully before she spoke again.

“No, but I don’t think she is thinking
about you the way you are thinking about her.” She finally said. That only left
me with more questions.

“Well, aren’t we a pair?” I was miserable.
I put my head down on Michelle’s shoulder, feeling the weight of the pain, but
I felt her pull my head back up. Despite myself, all I could think of was when
Lucy used to do that. 

“You haven’t changed all that much, you
know, David. You’ve always been amazing, just everyone sees it now because you
changed on the outside.” She smiled at me, a genuine smile that made her face
look beautiful, despite how much she was blocking. “I guess that’s the world,
isn’t it? People never really give you a chance until you look the part.” 

“Lucy liked me when I looked different.”

“Lucy is more of a freak than you and I
will ever be.” Michelle laughed then sneered, laying her head back in my neck.
I felt my brick wall go down even more. I had the girl, two girls, actually,
who had seen past the makeup and knew me before I knew myself. I blew it. Now I
realized how much my unforgiveness had done to me. 

“Let’s get out of here,” I said, picking
Michelle up and brushing myself off and intentionally grabbing her hand and
leading her to her car. 

She drove me home, to Whitefish. We spent
the whole hour in silence. Well, silent aside from the sound of both our hearts
screeching from the pain of rejection. She parked in front of my grandmother's
house and didn’t bother to cut off the engine. She looked up at me and gave me
a half smile. I pulled her chin up, like she had done to me earlier, and leaned
in to gently kiss the corner of her mouth. I held her eyes and saw a tear run
down, leaving a line of black on her face, matching the rest. I wiped it away
with my thumb and held her face. 

“You are amazing Mich. I’m so sorry.” She
smiled but didn’t answer. I had to start treating Michelle better, start
treating her like the lady she was. I felt a warmth go through my body, it was
kind of like the feeling I felt when I had been to church with Lucy. Like there
was more to life than bitterness and cynicism. I needed that. I needed to know
that there was more to life than these moments of feeling rejected and hurt
from people you believed in.

24. AMBULANCE

It was 3:30 in the morning. I had been out with
Michelle all night and I was exhausted. Physically, mentally, emotionally,
everything made me tired. Just thinking about getting undressed for bed made my
mind slip in and out of sleep. Grandma’s house smelled like tea and dust, like
it always had. A rush of admiration jolted me awake. I wanted to see my grandma
and kiss her lined forehead before I collapsed on my bed.

I walked down the hallway and opened the
door to her room, the light from the hallway spilling in through the
half-opened door, shinning on her sleeping form. Her wrinkles looked deeper and
her sleeping face more troubled than I had ever seen it. I walked in and felt
her head. It was covered with beads of sweat, but she felt cold. I went to the
hall closet and got out the big comforter she kept for winter. After I shook it
open I tucked it around her petite body. The tucking motion woke her up. She
opened her eyes and reached her hand out for mine, her long fingers feeling
like knobby sticks. I grabbed onto them and knelt down in front of her, so I
could talk quietly and have her hear me.

“Hi, Grandma.”   

“How was your Dad?” She spoke with so
little energy I had to strain to hear her.

“He was amazing, Grandma, just like you
described him.” I smiled at her and kissed her twisted hands. 

“Good, honey.” She patted my hand once,
closed her eyes, and took a ragged breath.

“Grandma…” I said cautiously, knowing that
I was about to tread in dangerous water. Her eyes opened, barely. This
conversation was going to happen, whether she liked it or not, so it was good
to just get it out of the way. “I am taking you to the doctor on Monday.” I
expected a tantrum but instead got a defeated sigh.

“I think that’s a good idea.” She closed
her eyes again, and I wrapped her up tighter in her blankets and left the room.
I felt like my heart was going to fall through my stomach from the weight it
was carrying. My grandma was so sick she wasn’t even fighting me on going to
the doctors. I had hurt Michelle by being careless with her feelings. I had
lost Lucy because of my stupid temper.

I stood in my room for a minute, feeling
completely helpless, then clenched my fist defiantly. I would not sit by and
let my grandma be so uncomfortable. I would work my butt off and spend every
last cent I had to make sure that she either got better or that she had
everything she needed. From now on, she wasn’t doing a single thing in this
house. Even if she was feeling better, she would use that energy to enjoy her
life. She had taken care of me when I had needed her and I was going to return
that kind of commitment. I fired up my computer, searched for a few minutes,
and bookmarked the contact information for three different home-health agencies
to call in the morning.

With that settled, I took off my clothes,
threw on some pajama pants, and collapsed onto my bed, feeling the cool sheets
slowly turn warm around me. Right before I fell asleep I grabbed at my phone to
turn the ringer off. The glowing screen told me I had a text message waiting.
It was from Lucy. 

My heart gave a little jolt of excitement. 

“I bet your father is just as amazing as
you are.”  

My heart leapt. Surely she was thinking of
me more than Michelle had assumed. This text proved it. I feel asleep fast, my
phone still in my hand.

* * *

I woke up to my grandma calling my name in
a panicked whisper. I could tell she had been calling me for a while but I
hadn’t woken up. I jumped out of bed, not bothering to check a clock as I ran
to her. It was just barely light outside. I had probably only been asleep for a
few hours. Grandma’s room smelled bad. She was laying in an unnatural position
in her bed, looking pale and like she could hardly move her arms. 

“Get Mrs. Tessa from next door,” she
ordered quietly.

“Grandma, let me help you.” I put my arm
under her neck and attempted to pick her up. I was going to take her to the
shower but she stopped me.

“David. Please. Go get her,” she begged me,
her eyes looking helpless and desperate. 

“Okay Grandma.” I put her head back down on
her pillow gently. Before I left I opened the window to her room so the smell
would not be so bad when I came back with our next-door neighbor.

I ran back to my room, quickly putting on
the same long-sleeved shirt I’d worn on the flight home and during the
shenanigans with Michelle the night before. Finally, I looked at the time. It
was seven eighteen in the morning. Just to see those numbers blinking at me
made me exhausted. I hadn’t gotten real, good sleep in almost a week. Not with
all the excitement of meeting my birth parents. Fear kept me going, though. I
had no idea what was going on with Grandma but it wasn’t good.

I ran next door and rapped on Mrs. Tessa’s
door, hoping she was home. I didn’t care for me, I barely knew the lady, but I
wanted my grandma to feel comfortable, if even just a fraction more. After a
few persistent knocks Mrs. Tessa opened the door with puffy eyes. I had just
awakened her. My words came out in a jumble.

“I’m sorry ma’am. I’m Doris’s grandson,
David. She is asking for your help.” Mrs. Tessa’s face became serious as soon
as she heard my grandma’s name. She followed me out the door in her pajamas and
bathrobe, not bothering to lock the door behind her. With that I knew she had
come over and helped my grandma before without me realizing it. I felt instant,
strong gratitude for this woman I had only waved to from time to time in my
year and a half of living here. 

“What’s wrong David?” She spoke calmly.

“I don’t really know. She wants you to help
her. She wasn’t able to make it to the bathroom. I think she was calling me and
I didn’t wake up.” I shook my head, feeling guilty, but Mrs. Tessa put her firm
hand on my shoulder.

“It's okay, David. We will help her.” We
walked through the door and Mrs. Tessa went straight back to Grandma’s room,
knowing exactly where it was. I stayed by the bedroom door, watching our
neighbor go to my grandma’s side and help her out of bed. Grandma was unable to
put any pressure on her legs. They were swollen and it obviously hurt her to
stand. She groaned with the slightest pressure.