My Stupid Girl (52 page)

I had just watched Lucy give birth and
deliver the stinking baby, but the shock of Lucy without a shirt on almost gave
me a heart attack. She and the nurse both laughed at me as I frantically tried
to find a place to put my eyeballs the first time Lucy tried to nurse.

Lydia was so pretty; I couldn’t believe she
was real. I reached my tattooed arm down and gently lifted her out of the
mini-bed. One teeny eye peeked open at me then rolled back and closed. I tucked
the hours-old baby into my arm, walked back to my corner chair, and sat down.
She fit perfectly against my chest, cradled in my forearm with her feet in my
hands.

I traced her little face with my fingertip.
Her pink lips pursed out when I brushed my finger over them and her eyes
fluttered again. She still was not convinced that she wanted to wake up and
entertain me. Her eyes were big and round like Lucy’s, with long brown
eyelashes that framed them. Her rosy cheeks were speckled with baby acne and
chub. I didn’t recognize her nose; it was round and turned up just a little
bit.

I bent down and kissed it.

It was my way of accepting her nose, as if
she had inherited it from me. She had a widow’s peak at the top of her
forehead, which was another feature I didn’t recognize. Maybe it was from her
birth father, or perhaps one of his parents.

I took in those soft, unfamiliar features
and felt the tug on my heart, challenging me to try and answer the question I
didn’t even want to think about.

Adoption.

Lucy had talked to an adoption agency
before we had gotten back together. Apparently there was a family waiting to
hear if they were going to be taking Lydia home or not. I found that one out
when a woman came into the hospital wanting to talk about our options.

Closed adoption or open adoption?

I had never even heard of open adoption.
With open adoption, the lady explained, Lydia could still be a part of Lucy’s
life. The idea intrigued me.

But everything in me wanted to take Lydia
and run. I knew my view of adoption was jaded. I didn’t trust myself to make a
super-amazing decision because it would more than likely be made out of fear.
Also, this wasn’t really my decision to make. Lucy was going to have to decide
what parents Lydia was going to grow up with. But I loved Lucy and I knew that
I wasn’t going to be able to just let her give Lydia up without having a say.
If not for myself, then for Lucy who wasn’t exactly good at thinking out the
consequences of every scenario. Whether Lucy liked it or not, I was part of
Lydia’s life now. I was going to put my two cents in, whether Lucy wanted them
or not.

Lydia peeked a little eye open at me, this
time keeping it open. It looked like it took her a great deal of effort, but
she seemed committed. Looking straight at me, her bright baby blue eyes
sparkled and completely freaked me out. The responsibility attached to keeping
that little soul alive and happy and entertained almost made me
hyperventilate. 

One awesome dad point for me.

I snuggled her closer to my body, my hand
behind her neck and arms completely wrapped around her.

She was just so freakin’ tiny.

“Hey you,” I whispered softly to Lydia,
leaning in to kiss her, pushing my hair behind my ears so it wouldn’t tickle
her face. How could this little eight pound person be so amazing? She made my
chest feel like it had suddenly become rubber. Also that bullets would bounce
off of it if anyone tried to hurt her. I needed a “Super Dad” mug and a
minivan, stat. The mini person in my arm gave a little whimper and a surprising
movement started, all on its own. I began to bounce my arms and moved my hand
to her back, patting lightly.

“Now, your mother is sleeping. We aren’t
waking her up.” I stood up and started rocking faster, swaying my whole body,
which calmed her momentarily. Then she realized she hadn’t gotten what she
wanted and gave a little hiccup-sounding cry. I laughed, and it startled her,
which made her cry even harder.

“Oh you are just like your mother aren’t
you?” I looked over at Lucy, whose legs were twitching, threatening to wake up.

I really loved Lucy. I loved her so much it
hurt; but the ache was growing deeper. It wasn’t just a slight pang anymore.

It was fear.

I felt fear for Lucy. It was a fear for her
and this new life she brought into the world. I wanted to protect her. I wanted
to care for her.

This whole situation was way bigger than me
and what I wanted. I didn’t even know how to process my thoughts. I was too
close to the situation to think clearly.

“Hello?” I heard fingers drumming on the
hospital room door. When I turned around I almost let out a cry of relief. Of
all the people in the world I wanted, here he was. My birth father was standing
in front of me with his arms open, wanting to hold this little girl I was
desperately trying to calm. I handed her over and then felt my eyes tear up,
realizing that he was the only person that I really wanted to talk too right
now.

It was almost like someone had known I
needed him.

“Would you look at her?” He had a
grandfatherly gleam in his greenish brown eyes.

He was getting sucked in along with the
rest of us.

“She is a beautiful baby.” He smiled at me,
like I had done something awesome.

“She is.” I smiled back, like I had done
something awesome.

“And she came on your birthday. How’s that
for a gift?”

“Yeah.” My voice didn’t sound excited at
all, but I tried to smile anyways. He saw right through me.

“What’s wrong?” He was so observant and
fatherly. I shrugged my shoulders, trying to ignore him. But then I took a deep
breath in submission.

“Lucy is considering adoption,” I blurted.

“Oh.” My birth father’s face clouded over
all of the sudden. Lydia didn’t even react. Because she was fast asleep. How
did he do that so fast?

“And how do you feel about that?”

“I’m scared, honestly,” I admitted.

“Scared?” He was looking at me sideways.

“I don’t know how I feel about adoption.
Having been through it.” I was trying hard to be honest without making him feel
guilty. Already I was regretting bringing this up.

“I understand that.” The poor guy looked so
uncomfortable, but I had to talk to him. If anyone had advice on adoption it
was my birth father. “Tell me your reasons for adoption.” Good, a pros and cons
list. I was good at lists. Order out of chaos, that was something I could do.

“Okay, well…” I forced myself to think of
the pros of adoption. My thoughts instantly went to the adopted mother I had
never known and everything I had heard about her. Life would have been so good
if she had stayed alive. “I guess a plus would be that Lydia would be with
older, more stable parents?” When I said it, I realized how true it was. Lucy
and I had no idea what we were doing. We had just finished high school. She had
never even had a job. Even if everything went amazing, it would still take us years
to really get on our feet and not have to depend on our parents to help us.

“Okay, what else?” Anthony nodded, still
looking down at Lydia.

“Another would be that they would be able
to provide for her.” The mental image of me, Lucy, and a toddler all sharing a
room in her parents’ house flashed into my mind. How long would my little
inheritance last with a baby?

“True. What else?” I wasn’t sure if he was
even hearing me but I kept going.

“Well. The adopted parents would be more
emotionally prepared for a baby.”

“You don’t think that Lucy is emotionally
ready to have a baby?” He asked me quietly as Lucy gave a little snore from
across the room.

“Honestly, I don’t know.” I felt sick
saying it, but it was true. “The night we broke up I couldn’t handle the ideas
she was throwing at me. We’d spent a lot of time apart and I don’t really know
all of the things she did.” I couldn’t say anything for sure. Plus, I knew that
she wasn’t ever going to get enough sleep once that baby was born. And she was
going to freak out at some point. I could already picture the double freak out
of Lucy and Lydia, throwing tantrums together.

“Fair enough.” My father had decided to let
me see his whole face, which was covered with worried wrinkles and sad eyes. He
was a gracious man, to be having a conversation like this with me. It had to be
hard.

“Let me ask you another question then.” He
gave me the kind of smile that made me want to bunker down for a possible blow.
It looked like one of those kinds of smiles. “Who’s the father?”

Yeah, one of those questions.

“I don’t know who he is.” Rage boiled up
into my throat but I pushed it down.

“Lucy hasn’t told you anything about him?”

“We didn’t get into a lot of details.” I
clenched my hands and tried not to feel angry. “I know she had to do some kind
of blood test to be sure.”

“Wow.”

“I know.”

“No, I mean, look at your hands.” He nodded
at my tightly clenched fists and white knuckles.

“Oh. Ouch.” I straightened my fingers and
realized again how unfortunate my temper was.

“I get it.” He smiled again, his eyes
telling me to continue.

“Once she was sure who it was, the guy
wanted her to get an abortion. She refused, so he signed papers giving up his
parental rights.”

“So, I guess he’s a jerk and we’re all
happy to hate him?”

“I guess?” Sounded about right.

“Let’s say you two keep Lydia, but this guy
grows up. In a year or so, or ten, he wants to be a part of his daughter’s
life. Then what?”

That was something I hadn’t even
considered.

“Ummm?” Even the thought made me sick.

“What if this guy we all hate turns out to
be a good guy as he matures and mans up? What if he becomes a part of your
life? Can you handle being a step dad?”

“Honestly, I don’t know…”

“Well, think about that. Because there is a
good chance that will happen. A lot of times people regret decisions they made
when they were younger.”

“So, I guess another pro to adoption is
that I won’t have to deal with the guy who took Lucy’s virginity from me, or,
at least someone she was with.” I said through gritted teeth. I hadn’t realized
how angry I was about that whole situation. Could I handle being a part of that
dude's life if he decided he wanted to be around? Even if he gave up his
parental privileges would it be best for Lydia to deny her birth father if he
was trying to make it right?

No to the last part, but I wasn’t sure
about the rest.

Anthony laughed.

“Lucy’s virginity didn’t belong to anyone
but herself, David. Part of dealing with all this in a healthy way is trying to
realize the world doesn’t revolve around you. No one took anything from you –
you weren’t a part of her life at all at the time. She didn’t owe you anything
and neither did that guy.”

I guess it was time for the come-to-Jesus
part of the talk.

“Ok, so…” I was confused. “What does that
mean?”

“Stop acting like you have any rights in
this situation, David. You love Lucy, you have valuable insight for her, and
that’s it. Anything beyond that is gravy. Stop wasting so much anger on gravy.”

I laughed. I kind of got it.

I already knew it wasn’t my call, what
happened to Lydia; but Anthony was saying it wasn’t my history, either. Feeling
responsible for any of it, either by feeling guilty or feeling angry, was just
getting in the way of doing what was best for Lucy and Lydia right now. Can’t
say I liked it very much, since it meant I had even less of a say in all this.
But he was right. I was wrong.

“Okay, more.” He looked expectantly at me,
not giving me time to dwell on my newfound, extraordinarily uncomfortable-ness.

“More…” I racked my brain for more. But I
couldn’t come up with anything else. “I don’t know what else.”

“Ok, then let’s talk about keeping her. Why
do you want Lucy to keep Lydia?”

“I really love her. I love that baby,” I
said, staring at Lydia’s beautiful little face.

“I can see that! And that’s pretty normal.”
He looked proudly at me, then down at the sleeping baby. “How could you not?”
He asked, more to himself than to me.

“I want to see her grow up,” I continued.
“I want to watch her change and I want to see Lucy be a mother.” I thought back
again to when Lucy had taken me to church with her for the first time and she
was making those ridiculous animal noises to the little kids. I remember
thinking what an amazing mother she was going to be. “I want to take care of
them, and provide for Lydia and love her.”

I looked deeply into what I wanted for my
future. It involved Lucy growing up. Taking charge of who she was and working
for something. It was both of us working for the same reason, the same goal.
Going in the same direction.

“I want to marry Lucy.” I felt the little
ring under my shirt that Mr. Peterson had given me the evening before and
uttered a submissive sigh. I gave up.

I couldn’t live without Lucy Peterson in my
life.

“Sounds like you know what you want.” My
dad was chuckling.

“But it’s not up to me. I’m just trying to
figure out how to help Lucy make the best choice.” I considered the question
that just popped into my head and decided I might as well ask it. “Dad.”
Anthony’s eyes welled up when I said the word.

“If you had to do it over again, what would
you do?”

A loud rush of air came out of his mouth
and he put his head to the side, considering.

“After knowing everything that I know now,
I would have kept you,” he said softly.

“What do you know now?”

“I know that life is as hard as you make
it.” His young face belonged to a man with many regrets.

I agreed with a nod. The worst parts of my
life were all the times I had completely blown up and freaked out on people.
All the worst bits had been the bits I had created for myself.