My Stupid Girl (47 page)

“Yeah.” I said, still staring at her
stomach. I couldn’t help it. What was I supposed to look at? 

Whose genius idea was it to spring this on
me today of all days? There was no good time in that entire year I waited to
see Lucy that might have been better than today? How was I supposed to act?
Should I have jumped up and down like a flipping sorority sister and flapped my
hands with excitement? I almost wanted to, just to make fun of her.

I held my tongue instead, determined not to
lose my temper.

“Look,” she started to say, but I
interrupted her by putting my hand up for her to stop talking. 

“Lucy. I am looking at the girl I am
deeply, intensely in love with, a girl whose advances I refused the last time I
saw her, for a number of good reasons, not the least of which was that deep,
intense love. I wanted to spend my life with her. And she is someone else’s
now. So please don’t say anything cliché. I don’t think I can handle that.”  

She sucked her lips in and combed her
fingers through her hair. I put my hands out in front of me, telling her that
she could say what she wanted, now. She didn’t say anything right away, but
after a pause took a step closer to me and looked at me straight in the eyes. 

“I’m sorry David,” she said, finally.

“Sorry,“ I said, more than asked. “What are
you sorry about?”

“I’m sorry that I never told you about
this, I guess I was embarrassed--” She cut excuses off and looked up at me with
pleading blue eyes. I forced myself not to melt and kept my face like stone.

“You owe me nothing, Lucy.
Congratulations.” My voice stayed as flat as possible. Then I turned around and
walking swiftly out of the main part of the church, leaving Lucy and Grandma
behind me in the large, empty room.

I was walking away from the two women who
meant the most to me. One was dead. The other was starting a new life, without
me.

I walked over to the table where my
“friends” were sitting at and held my hand out to Johnny.

“Give me the keys to your car.”

“What?” Johnny sputtered at me. I spoke
slowly, meaningfully.

“The keys. To your car. Give them to me.
Now.”

“Why, man?” I cut him off.

“Don’t you dare ask me why.” I glared at
each one of them, daring them to ask why I was upset so I would have a reason
to come unglued. Like I wanted to. 

“You all knew, every one of you, that she
was married and pregnant. Not one of you had the decency to tell me.” I held my
hand out to Johnny and snapped my fingers. 

Johnny reached in his pocket and pulled out
the keychain but didn’t hand them to me. Instead, he looked pleadingly at me
and then at the group to help him. 

“She told us not to…” Isaiah’s face looked
as stupid as the words that were coming out of his mouth, and he knew it.

“Why don’t you take some time to actually
think about what you just said?” I snarled at him.

“When do I get my car back?” Johnny asked
me, placing the keys in my palm. I didn’t answer him. My hand shut like a Venus
Fly Trap and I almost sprinted from the room, not giving anyone a second
glance. As I got into Johnny’s car and turned on the ignition I saw Lucy
walking out of the church, her hands up to her face like she was crying. A surge
of anger almost suffocated me.

I took a deep breath, looked away, and
drove towards the freeway. My goal was to escape from this place. It held
nothing for me but sorrow and death. I followed the curves of the road, going
steadily along with the cars that were driving next to me. I wasn’t speeding or
anything. I was just driving. I kept my eyes in front of me, refusing to look
back, willing my brain to go on autopilot. I needed to go someplace to be
alone. I saw a sign for Foys Lake up ahead and, without thinking, I put on my
blinker. I mean, why not?

It all started there, anyways.

The lake was quiet, except for a couple
families on the other side where the embankment went down into the water.
Sunlight reflected off ripples in the water, making it look like millions of
diamonds were floating on the surface of the lake. It would have looked a lot
prettier if I had been in a better mood.

Walking down a little trail to the water’s
edge, I leaned against the wooden railing at the end of a short dock. I had
never been to this part of the lake before. Beaches weren’t really my activity
of choice. Me in a Speedo would have been a scary sight.

Getting my bearings, I looked around and
saw the little picnic bench where Johnny, Isaiah, Michelle, and I had sat on that
frozen day almost two years ago. I remembered the way I felt when I saw that
white van with the name “Valley Christian” printed on the side. Then I
remembered that beautiful girl I had seen so many times at school jump from the
van, wearing a ridiculous black snowsuit. I felt my blood freeze, recalling the
way her eyes looked when she laughed, and how terrified they had been when she
fell through the ice into the water.

I remembered running to her, not knowing
her but already terrified that something would happen to her. When I’d gotten
into the water to pull her out, the way she clung on to my body meant I was the
only thing keeping her safe. That memory went from embarrassing, to amazing, to
painful, all in what seemed like a blink of an eye. I closed my eyes and, for
the first time since I’d seen Lucy pregnant, I allowed myself to really feel
the pain. 

I’d been so focused on keeping my temper
that I hadn’t really reacted to the bombshell that had dropped in my lap today.
Now that I was alone I could feel those walls coming down. Screaming seemed
like the sensible option, but I just wanted to curl up in a hole and wallow in
the ache of the obvious end I had been desperately hoping against for almost a
year. Lucy was gone; she wasn’t mine. I felt the ring on the long chain
underneath my suit, heavy and painful against my chest. It felt like it was the
only thing there, lying against my heart, weighing a ton. That little ring had
sat next to my skin for almost a year, a promise of my own to the girl I loved.
And now it didn’t even matter.

I closed my eyes and let the hot sun shine
on my face. It felt good to be warm. I could see orange through my closed
eyelids. I longed for the ice to be frozen again when I opened my eyes, so I
could have another chance at that amazing life I almost had. 

I heard tires on the trail I had
accidentally found, coming up behind me. 

“Sweet Jesus.” I spoke louder than I would
normally have, but the noise had shocked me out of day-dream mode. Turing
around, I felt like I couldn’t get a break, expecting to see an adorable little
family coming. It wasn’t a little family. It was much worse. 

It was Lucy.

Her little red car howled up, Lucy’s stupid
chin stuck out over the dashboard like she was determined to find me. She
parked her car with a jerk next to Johnny’s and came out with reasonable speed,
fast considering she looked like she was carrying triplets. I leaned my back
against the dock where I was standing and waited, arms crossed. She obviously
didn’t care that I wanted to be alone. Might as well get this over with. That
was Lucy; if she wanted something, she wanted it now.

Bring on the tantrum.

“You just left!” She stomped her foot,
yelling at me. Like she had the right to even be speaking to me. I’d just spent
all my energy on not yelling, getting to a place where I could chill out. And
then she follows me and yells at me. But I had already decided I wasn’t going
to lose my temper, regardless of what she said. What did it ever get me? Where
could it ever take me? I took a deep breath, ready to tell her that I just
needed to be alone, but she spoke first. I use the term “spoke” loosely.

“I’m trying to tell you something, and you
just leave?!” She was furious. “That’s what you do, David. You just leave.” She
walked straight up to me and got so close she bumped me with her belly. It
would have been funny, it was so ludicrous. Except it wasn’t funny at all.

“What can I say? It hurts to see you, so I
left.” The truth was probably the best way to go. I didn’t have enough energy
to try to come up with anything else, anyways. It was surprising how naturally
talking to her came, like we had never been apart. Or that she had never
married a man and gotten knocked up with his baby. But I’m getting technical.
“What would you like me to say, Lucy?” 

“I don’t want you to say anything,
actually,” she replied simply. “I want you to shut up for a second and let me talk.”
She was slightly hunched over and was holding the small of her back with her
hand and the under part of her stomach with the other. She looked uncomfortable
and walked over to the little bench that was built into the dock to sit down.
“What I wanted to do was apologize.”

I nodded my head and sighed deeply. “Okay.”
I tried not to look over. The sun was shining down on her, completely engulfing
her with its rays, making her glow even more. It was really unfair that I still
found her so incredibly breathtaking, even in this state. She took a deep
breath, like she was gathering air into her lungs to prepare for whatever
speech she had been practicing for.    

“I’m, I'm sorry,” she faltered, sucked in
another gulp of air, then wiped away a tear that had been forming in her eye.
“I’m sorry that I gave you my purity ring the way I did.” She looked up at me,
shyness spilling from her eyes. “I’m sorry I tried to pressure you into
something that neither of us were ready for. That I knew neither of us were ready
for.” I opened my mouth to tell her it was over, that what was done was done,
but she kept going. “I’m sorry I didn’t call and apologize the day after. I
wanted to, but I was such a spoiled little brat I kept waiting for you to call
me and apologize.” She shook her head and looked out at the lake. 

“Don’t apologize for that, I should have
called you.” 

“Please,” she held her hand up. She looked
like she was gathering her courage to tell me more. Oh goody, was I about to
hear about the last year of her life. Finding her husband, marrying him, having
his baby. All that jazz.

 “I’m sorry that I said no one wanted you.
I didn’t mean it, I was just mad.”

“I didn’t mean when I said I wished you'd
drowned,” I quickly responded. 

“I know you didn’t mean that part. But,
David, I got a little crazy after you left.” She put her head down in shame,
all her hair falling in front of her face like it had earlier, except she
didn’t try to move it away this time. 

“I doubt you went crazy.”

She snorted at me. “Oh, no. I went crazy.
It wasn’t hard at all. My parents really trusted me so I managed to get out to
parties. I snuck into bars. I hung out with people I barely knew. It was
exciting. Basically, I wanted to show everyone that I was ready for life, that
I wasn’t just the simple-minded Lucy who was always happy with everything.” Her
brow was furrowed when she spoke, sadness coming out with each syllable she
spoke. 

“Oh,” I said, but she interrupted me again.

“David, I’m not married. I’m not engaged.
The father of this baby asked me to sign a document saying that he has no legal
obligation towards it.” Her shoulders crumpled. 

“Come again?” I hardly dared to believe
what she was saying. “You’re not married?” I felt betrayed in a completely
different way. This person sitting in front of me was not the Lucy that I knew.
Nothing about her was the same except her eyes. But those eyes peered out of a
different face, surrounded by different hair, attached to a very different
body.

“I asked everyone not to say anything to you.
I told them that I wanted to do it, but I kept chickening out. Don’t be mad at
them, they kept telling me to tell you and I kept telling them I was going to.”
She continued without taking any breaths, “I thought about you every day. But I
got pregnant and at first I was just trying to deal with that. And by the time
I had a grip on it, I was showing. And I just kept getting bigger and bigger,
and feeling more and more ashamed of what I did. It almost became impossible to
even think about talking to you, you know what I mean?” 

“Please shut up.” Her constant yammering
about nothing was annoying me. I wanted her to answer my question. “You said
you’re not married?” I asked again, saying it slowly so she knew I wouldn’t
allow her to change the subject again. She didn’t answer this time, just looked
up at me with her big swollen eyes and slowly shook her head no, her bottom lip
quivering. She put her arms around herself and leaned back into the bench she
was sitting in. She looked like a shadow of a girl I once knew, replaced by an
older, sadder woman who was waiting for the anvil to drop on her. I let that
simple headshake she had answered with sink in. 

She wasn’t married. She wasn’t even with
anyone else. 

I walked over to her. Each step brought new
hope and more understanding about the last year, even the way she’d acted in
the bathroom on prom night. Bending down in front of her, I placed my forehead
against her stomach. I was defeated. I was done. Done trying to convince myself
that this girl could never be mine. Here she was, sitting in front of me with a
mask on. A big, diamond-ring mask that was hiding the truth about who she was. 

She was turning into me, hiding behind
props. That was the worst thing she could become. I had loved her from the
moment she walked into my hospital room, wrapped in a ridiculous hospital
blanket and fallen asleep in my arms. I had spent a year trying to talk myself
out of loving her, and all that effort had just made me want her more. She had
been a constant in my life, someone who had been a pillar of strength while
challenging me to be better. And I needed her.

How else could I describe it besides
admitting that I was hers? Whether she chose me or not, I would always be
hers.