My Epic Fairy Tale Fail (12 page)

“No!” I yelled as the weight on my leg disappeared.

I strained to look down, expecting to hear Sir Knight's armor hit the mountain. But instead, I heard something else. Squawking.

What the—?

As we got lower, the source of the squawking appeared. Directly below me—perched along the very tippy-top of the mountain—was a huge nest with several couch-sized baby birds snuggled inside. The chorus of chirps was louder than a marching band.

I needed a second to spot Sir Knight in the middle of the feathery chaos. The birds had him pinned down, clearly thinking dinner had arrived. Luckily, their beaks bounced right off his armor.
Ping. Ping. Ping.

The knight might have been all right for the moment, but how was I going to get him out of there?

As the mama bird got lower, I saw Sir Knight manage to scramble to his feet.

“Maiden!” he called over the nearly deafening chirps. “Are you all right?”

I had to hand it to the knight. Even when his life was in danger, he still made sure the damsel he was “saving” was all in one piece.

“I'm fine!” I called. “Don't move.”

He said something back, but at that moment the mama bird let out another ear-piercing
skree
! In response, the baby birds started chirping back even louder. I was afraid my ears might pop from the noise.

Sir Knight was still trying to tell me something, but it was no use. Finally, he started waving his arms, and that's when I realized he was holding some sort of object.

A gleaming goblet.

I stared at it like it was made of gold…which it was. That had to be the object Ilda wanted me to find. Why else would a goblet be at the top of a mountain?

“Don't move!” I yelled. “I'll get you out!” If Sir Knight tried to climb out of the nest on his own, there was a good chance he'd just go tumbling down the mountain.

The mama bird was about to land in the nest, and I knew we were running out of time. If the knight and I were underneath her when she landed, we'd be crushed. My only hope was that we could steer the mama bird back down the mountain somehow.

“Sir Knight!” I called. “The minute you can reach my leg, grab on!” I mimed the action, just in case he still couldn't hear me.

After a minute, he waved, which I hoped meant my message had gotten through. He crouched like he was getting ready to jump, while still batting the hungry birds away.

The mama bird flapped her wings as she prepared to swoop into the nest, and I was finally low enough for the knight to jump up and grab on to my leg again.

I waited for him to jump, but nothing happened.

“Jump!” I yelled.

He was yelling something back. I strained to hear and finally made out one word: “Jump!”

Wait, was he trying to get me to jump down into the bird nest? That was crazy! Then we'd both be stuck. And unlike him, I didn't have full-body armor to keep me from becoming bird food. I'd just have to hope I wasn't delicious.

“No,
you
jump!” I tried to mime with my free hand while still holding on to the rope.

The knight gestured wildly as the bird got lower and lower. She circled, probably trying to figure out what to do about the very shiny new bird that had suddenly appeared in her nest.

“Jump now!” I cried.

Finally, the knight appeared to get the hint. He worked his way over to the edge of the nest and waited for the mama bird to swoop past. Then he crouched and jumped—

Only to trip and fall right out of the nest.

“Sir Knight!” I cried as I heard him hit the mountain slope.
Crash
!

Without thinking, I grabbed my knife and sliced through the rope keeping me tethered to the mama bird.

For a second, I just free fell, and that second was more than long enough for me to realize what a stupid thing I'd just done. Instead of climbing on the mama bird's back or finding some other way to control her so I could rescue the knight, now I was going to plummet to my death along with him. Anthony would never let me hear the end of it.

Then my knee slammed into something, and an instant later, my entire body hit the side of the mountain. I started to slide along the glass like a squeegee. I was alive!

Below me, I heard Sir Knight's armor scraping the side of the mountain. I couldn't see if he was all right, but I prayed that he was all in one piece.

As I kept sliding down the mountain, I started going faster and faster. At this rate, I'd go splat when I hit the ground. I had to figure out some way to slow down. But everything was happening so fast, and I was totally out of ideas.

Suddenly, something shiny came into view below me. It was Sir Knight! Before I could call out his name, I slid right past him, and—

“Ugh!” I cried as something yanked me up by the back of my shirt.

“Hold still, maiden,” I heard Sir Knight say. “I have you.”

I craned my neck and realized Sir Knight was holding on to my shirt with one hand and hanging on to his sword with the other. Somehow, he'd managed to embed his sword in the side of the mountain.

When I glanced down, I saw that we were only a few feet above a ledge that was wide enough to stand on. If Sir Knight hadn't caught me and I'd kept going at top speed, I would have smacked right into it.
Ouch
.

“I will lower you down to the ledge,” the knight said. “Then I will follow behind you.”

“Okay,” I called. I felt myself slipping lower and lower until my feet were almost at the ledge. “You can let go now.”

I dropped down, just managing to catch my balance to keep from sailing over the side. Then I inched along the mountain to give the knight room to land. A minute later—
Crash
!—he came down on the ledge beside me.

“Are you all right, maiden?” he said, flipping up his helmet.
Ding
!

“Yeah, I'm fine. Thank you. You—” I almost laughed. “You saved my life.” Those were definitely not words I thought I would ever say to Sir Knight, but they were true. Maybe he wasn't a total joke after all.

The knight shrugged. “All in a day's work, my lady. Now, I shall climb down the mountain. Then you may jump, and I shall catch you in my arms.”

“Um, that's okay. I think I'd rather just climb down, too.” Sir Knight had redeemed himself by catching me once, but I wasn't crazy enough to let him try it again.

The knight looked a little offended, but he didn't argue.

Finally, after what felt like an hour of climbing backward, the ground mercifully appeared under my feet. I flopped onto the grass, feeling flattened and exhausted.

After a minute, Sir Knight climbed down too and came to sit next to me. We'd ended up on the opposite side of the mountain from Ilda and the villagers.

“Are you all right?” I asked.

“Certainly,” Sir Knight answered. “Why wouldn't I be?” I had a feeling that even if he'd been swallowed by a whale, the knight would have still claimed to be fine.

“Any chance you still have the goblet?” I asked, knowing it was a long shot.

Sir Knight's eyes widened. “Do you even have to ask, maiden? Of course I was able to rescue the goblet. I am a knight!” He pulled off his helmet and fished around inside. Then he held up the goblet in triumph.

I didn't bother asking how Sir Knight had managed to cram both his head and the goblet into the helmet at once. All I cared about was that he had the third magical object.

I could have cried with relief as I put the goblet into my bag alongside the spray bottle and the metal fly swatter. The sun was still a good way above the horizon, which meant I had plenty of time before the curse ended. Maybe I could really pull this thing off.

After I managed to convince Sir Knight that I was okay to walk and didn't need to be carried—now
that
would be humiliating—we headed toward the stage on the other side of the mountain. In truth, my knee was aching from its collision with the glass mountain, but I ignored the pain. I'd have time for injuries later.

As we got to the stage Ilda had set up, we saw her announcing the winners (and losers) of the events. When she spotted me, all in one piece, her usual fake smile turned into a grimace.

“Ilda!” I said, pushing through the crowd toward the stage. Everyone fell quiet and stared at me as if they couldn't believe I was still alive. “I've completed your three tasks. Now you have to lift the curse.”

As I rushed onto the stage, something like concern flickered across the witch's face. Then she laughed and said, “Nonsense. No one can complete the tasks.”

“But I have.” I glanced at Sir Knight who was standing behind me. “
We
have.”

“Didn't anyone ever teach you it's wrong to lie?” she said, crossing her arms in front of her chest.

“I'm not lying. Look!” I opened my bag and held up the goblet. But something was wrong with it. Instead of shining as it had earlier, it was cracked and crumbling. In fact, it wasn't made out of gold at all. It was just plaster painted to look like gold.

“What is this?” said Ilda, grabbing the goblet from me. The minute her hand touched it, the plaster crumbled into pieces. “Are you trying to trick me?”

I stared at the pile of dust at my feet. “I don't understand. I completed the task. You wanted the object from the top of the mountain, and I brought it to you.”

“You brought me a fake,” said Ilda. She turned to the crowd. “Do you see what adventurers do? They cheat to get what they want. They don't care about people like you. They only care about glory.”

The crowd turned to glare at me, all their previous suspicions back even stronger. People booed and hissed. I caught sight of Jack's thin face in the crowd. He looked heartbroken. I didn't care what the other villagers thought, but I couldn't stand the thought of him being disappointed in me.

“Lies!” said Sir Knight, stepping forward. “We retrieved the goblet together. It's the real thing.”

I appreciated the knight's effort, especially since his trembling knees showed he was still afraid of the witch, but it was no use. He wasn't terribly popular with the people of the village, and I didn't think I could do or say anything to prove Ilda wrong. And that was, after all, what she wanted.

Suddenly, I realized how clueless I'd been.

“The tasks were a lie from the start, weren't they?” I said. “You never intended to give the kingdom its magic back. You just wanted to play a little game.”

“How dare you accuse me of such a thing?” said Ilda, but I could see the amusement on her face. I was right. That had been her plan all along. The tasks were impossible because they were fake. Everything I'd done had been for nothing.

I marched over and stood face-to-face with the witch. “So that's it, then?” I said. “You're taking the last of the magic and there's no way to get it back?”

“Now, Jenny, don't be a sore loser. If you had completed the tasks—”

“Stop lying!” I yelled, feeling ready to burst. “I'm sick of your games. Just tell me the truth!”

Ilda stepped back, and for once she actually looked a little afraid. She grabbed at her necklace, and that's when I spotted them. The purple gems dangling from the silver chain. They'd been hidden under the witch's gaudy sweaters, but now I could see them clearly.

“Where did you get that?” I whispered.

Ilda blinked. “What do you mean?”

“The necklace. It was my mother's. Where did you get it?”

“Oh, this?” she said, pulling it out so I could see the string of purple gems that perfectly matched those still in my jewelry box at home. “It was a gift. Your mother gave it to me.”

“Liar! She would never do that. Give it back!” I lunged forward and tried to grab the necklace, but Ilda managed to sidestep me.

Just then a mighty howl echoed from somewhere nearby. “
Arooo
!” Everyone froze, even me.

The howl came again, fierce and angry. I turned to see Ralph the wolf standing just past the crowd. A few feet behind him was the giant boulder he was cursed to always be attached to. Somehow, he'd managed to drag it all the way here.

His eyes looked almost red and there was froth around his mouth. At first I thought his narrowed eyes were focused on Ilda. Then I realized he was staring down the Monsterooster.

“Finally,” Ralph snarled, “the beast will be mine.”

“What are you doing here, Wolf?” Ilda demanded.

“You thought you could keep me under control forever,” said Ralph, inching closer. Each of his labored steps dragged the boulder along. The stunned crowd parted to let him through. “But seven years of exercise have finally paid off, and now I'm strong enough that your curse can't stop me.”

The Monsterooster was completely frozen in terror at the foot of the stage. I didn't want to let Ilda out of my sight, but I had to do something. I couldn't let Ralph gobble up the helpless rooster in front of everyone. Or at all.

“Sir Knight,” I said. “Can't you stop him?”

The knight shook his head. “Ralph has earned his revenge. We all have.”

Clearly, I would get no help there. I turned back to Ralph. “You don't want to do this!” I called out.

“Oh yes, I do,” Ralph said with a growl. Then he dropped to all fours and went straight for the Monsterooster's throat.

The rooster screeched and flapped his wings. At the same moment, Ilda grabbed her necklace and mumbled something under her breath. A bolt of lightning flew at Ralph, but the wolf managed to jump out of the way. Instead of hitting him, the lightning zapped the ground and sent huge sparks flying everywhere.

Ralph started to charge forward again. For some reason, the boulder behind him was no longer moving. He stopped running and whirled around. “The rope,” he said in disbelief. “It's gone.”

I realized that Ilda's lightning bolt must have broken the invisible rope that had kept Ralph attached to the boulder. He was free. Which was good news for Ralph, but really bad news for the rooster.

The wolf turned back toward us with a sneer on his long face. “Finally,” he said. Then he crouched, ready to pounce. The rooster's eyes were bugging out so much that they looked like they might pop.

As I racked my brain for a plan, I noticed that the sun had officially set. Did that mean I was too late? Had time run out and all the land's magic was gone?

“Stand back, Wolf!” cried Ilda. “I will not have you eating my pet!”

She pushed me aside, and I stumbled forward. My bag fell off my shoulder and landed on the ground. Instantly, as if he'd just been waiting for his chance, Leonard jumped out of my bag and skittered away. He was running so fast that I couldn't even see his legs moving.

The mouse darted off the stage and ran right in front of the giant rooster's nose.

The Monsterooster's terrified eyes turned downright panicked. Apparently, the combination of a wolf and a mouse was just too much for him to handle.

The rooster reared his head, let out an ear-piercing squawk, and started fluttering his giant wings again. He was flapping them so furiously this time that his saddle started to slip off. After a moment, the saddle fell onto the dirt and the rooster started to lift off the ground. I was pretty sure that such an enormous bird taking flight defied the laws of nature, but the Monsterooster was obviously too terrified to care about physics.

Ralph charged after the bird but was too late. When he realized he couldn't reach the rooster, the wolf stood absolutely still, his jaw hanging open, watching his dinner fly away. Then he let out a long, pained howl. “Is this my punishment?” he cried at the heavens. “I'm sorry I ever ate that red riding girl!” Then he turned and retreated into the woods, his tail between his legs.

“Where are you going, my pet? Come back!” Ilda shrieked toward the sky, but the rooster wasn't listening. It was turning into a smaller and smaller speck among the clouds.

The witch craned her neck and did her crazy chicken dance, but it didn't help. Finally, she clasped the necklace and mumbled something under her breath. Her eyes widened, and her words got louder. I realized what was happening: she was trying to cast a spell, but it wasn't working.

Ilda screamed in frustration and tore off the necklace. Her face grew so red that it looked like a giant apple. “They betrayed me! They told me I'd still have my magic, and now it's gone!” Her eyes swung to where the sun had just set behind the trees. “It's over. They took all the magic for themselves, and they betrayed me.”

“What do you mean?” I said. “Who betrayed you?”

Her eyes were wild like a trapped animal's. “What am I supposed to do without my power? They promised me. They said if I just waited seven years and let them drain the magic from the land, I could keep my own. They said this necklace would give me magic forever and that I could finally have my revenge.”

“Revenge? On who?”

“On them,” Ilda shrieked, pointing at the crowd of villagers. “For years I stood in front of that classroom, trying to get knowledge into their minds, and they laughed at me, said they didn't need knowledge when they had magic. As if that weren't bad enough, they tormented and humiliated me. The only way I could make it stop was to punish them, but they still found ways. I could hear them giggling when my back was turned.

“Finally, I couldn't stand it anymore, and I burned that schoolhouse down.” The witch's lips curled up in a grim smile. “When she came to me and told me about her plan to take all the magic, I knew it was my chance to finally teach this kingdom a lesson.”

I marched over and grabbed Ilda's arms. “Look at me!” I said. “Who are you talking about? Who planned this?” Maybe I was a people-shaker after all.

Her wild eyes finally focused on me. “The fairies,” she said. “They're the ones you want. They're the ones who took your parents.”

“What? But you said you didn't know who took them.”

Ilda let out a dry laugh. “I lied, just like the fairies told me to. They were behind everything. They ruined this land. And now they've ruined me.”

“What about my parents?” I could barely breathe. “Are they alive?”

The witch sighed, her shoulders sagging, as if her energy had left her. “Last I heard, they were.”

Blood rushed into my ears. My mom and dad were alive! “But what would the fairies want with my parents?”

“Your mother and father suspected the truth about the curse, so the fairies took them to their home base. And then they—”

Before she could say another word, a blinding flash lit up the stage and—
P
oo
f
!—Ilda was gone.