My Epic Fairy Tale Fail (11 page)

“You want us to
what
?” said Melissa when the three of us were gathered in my room that afternoon.

“Help me trick Anthony again so I can go back to the Land of Tales,” I repeated. “And it has to be today, before it's too late.”

“But I don't understand,” said Trish. “You already went there and saved the day. Why do you have to go back?”

I sighed. It was time to fess up. “Because I screwed up. I failed the last task. You guys were right. I couldn't do it without your help.”

I stopped, realizing that what I'd said was true. Maybe having my friends along hadn't been perfect, but who knows how far I would have gotten without them? I might have failed the first task like everyone else except Sir Knight.

“I'm sorry for how I treated you guys,” I went on. “I just got scared that something would happen to you. I could never forgive myself if you got really hurt because of me. But I did need your help then—and I definitely need it now. Can you forgive me for being a jerk?”

Trish and Melissa looked at each other. Then Melissa grinned and started singing:

We
forgive
you,

You
silly
horseshoe.

You're a good friend, girl,

Though
your
hair
will
not
curl.

This time I wanted to laugh not because the song was awful (which, let's face it, it was), but because I was so glad that everything was okay with us again.

“So where do we start?” said Trish after Melissa was (mercifully) done singing.

“Well, you managed to trick Anthony once,” I said. “We need to figure out a way to do it again.”

“Why won't he just take you without us tricking him?” said Trish.

“Because adventurers aren't allowed in the Land of Tales anymore. Even Anthony wouldn't break a rule like that on purpose. He can't risk losing his job. But if he doesn't realize he's doing it, maybe he won't get in trouble.”

Trish scrunched her eyebrows together. “What if he didn't bring you back?” she said slowly. “What if he only brought
us
?”

“No way,” I said. “I'm not going to let you guys go back there without me.”

“I know,” said Trish. “I just mean, what if Anthony brings us there, not realizing he's bringing you along, too?”

“But how would that work?” said Melissa. “We can't shrink Jenny and put her in one of our backpacks.” She wrinkled her forehead. “Can we?”

“We won't need to,” said Trish, her smile getting bigger by the second. “I've got a plan.”

•••

The first step to making Trish's plan work was to head to the candy store in town. The shop reminded me a lot of Ilda's house: the roof was brick red and the walls were decorated to look like gingerbread. Luckily, the store clerk accepted money as payment instead of humiliation.

As Melissa, Trish, and I huddled behind some bushes across the street, Trish filled me in on how they'd managed to bribe Anthony the first time.

“Melissa and I ran into him at the candy store, right after he went on his diet.”

“He was drooling so much, there was a puddle on the floor!” said Melissa.

Trish grinned. “We barely had to say the word ‘candy' and he was willing to take us to the moon.”

“Look!” Melissa said, jabbing me in the ribs. I was starting to think I should get her elbow pads for her birthday. “There he is! I told you he'd come back at his usual time.”

Anthony was moseying on down the street, chewing on some broccoli with a pained look on his face. He wore a nondescript coat over his brightly colored clothes and a hat pulled low over his flaming hair. He was still shorter than almost everyone else on the street, but otherwise he blended in surprisingly well.

“Ready?” Trish asked me.

I nodded and crossed my fingers that this plan worked. Otherwise, I had no idea what I'd do. Then I checked on Leonard who was tucked into the corner of my bag. Hopefully, I'd be able to get him safely back home.

“Anthony!” Melissa called as she hurried down the street, waving. The gnome stopped.

I watched them talking for a minute. Then I saw Melissa pull a bag of candy out of her pocket. Anthony's eyes practically fell out of his head. When Melissa offered him a piece, he gobbled it up and looked desperate for more.

I started to creep along the street, hiding behind benches so Anthony wouldn't see me. Just as I crouched near a mailbox, Trish hurried down the street past me.

“Melissa!” she said. “I'm so glad I found you. Have you seen my notebook? The one with all my magic notes in it?”

“No,” said Melissa. “When was the last time you saw it?”

Trish pretended to think for a minute. Then she gasped. “I must have dropped it when we were on that adventure with Jenny. Probably when you got injured in the lake. It must still be there.”

Melissa turned to Anthony. “Do you think you could take us back to look for it?”

Anthony shook his head. “Sorry, no can do.”

“But I need those notes or I'll flunk out of school!” Trish said with a wail. “I'll die! Please!” She grabbed Anthony's arm and started fake-sobbing into his shoulder.

If there was one thing Anthony couldn't stand, it was crying. “Now, now. It's okay. Maybe I could go find the notebook for you.”

“But you don't know what it looks like!” said Trish through her imaginary tears, putting on an impressive performance. “And what if that monster eats you while you're looking for it? You need someone to keep an eye out.”

“Monster?” said Anthony. “The one that tried to strangle Melissa?”

Melissa nodded. “My ribs still hurt a little, but I guess that's what happens when a creature squeezes you so hard that you pass out. And almost die.” She smiled brightly. “I'm sure that wouldn't happen to you, though.”

I could practically hear Anthony gulp.

“Well, maybe I could…” Anthony took off his hat and put it back on again. “I mean, you two aren't adventurers, so it might be okay…” He still didn't look convinced.

“We'll pay you!” said Melissa. “Anything you want.”

“Anything I want?” he said, his eyes wandering over to the candy-store's window display. After his taste of sugar, he was clearly willing to do whatever it took to get more.

I couldn't help smiling. Ding! Ding! Ding! We'd won.

After Trish had promised Anthony all the candy he could eat, I waited until Anthony, Trish, and Melissa went around the side of the building where they could safely disappear. Then I crept to the corner and waited. Just as I heard the
Pop
! I lunged forward and grabbed on to Trish's backpack.

The four of us spun in between worlds before being spit out near the edge of Nessie's lake. The minute we arrived, I let go of Trish and jumped behind a bush before Anthony noticed me.

As my friends led Anthony around the lake, pretending to look for the notebook, I snuck away toward the woods. I glanced over my shoulder and saw Trish looking at me with a smile on her face.

“Thank you,” I mouthed.

She gave me a small wave before turning back to Anthony. Something told me she was going to write the best English paper anyone had ever read.

I was swimming in warm, fuzzy feelings as I hurried through the forest. My friends were the best. I was never going to take them for granted again.

My first stop would be Ilda's house. I had to convince her to let me try the third task one more time. Otherwise, sneaking back into the Land of Tales would be all for nothing.

On the way, I spotted Jack Beanstalk doing stretches near his farm. This time, his brothers were nowhere in sight.

“You're back!” he said, rushing over to me. “They said you deserted us.”

“Of course not. I promised I'd help, and I'm going to.”

Jack looked at me doubtfully. “But you only have until sunset today. Do you really think you can do it?”

“The curse ends at sunset?” I'd assumed I'd have until midnight.

“And the festival's starting soon. My brothers have already gone ahead.” Jack sighed. “I hope my tail disappears right away this time. Last year, it took days for it to fade. My oldest brother's nose still looks more piggish than it did before.”

“I guess I'd better hurry,” I said.

Jack flashed me a smile. “Good luck. I hope you don't fail!”

“Um, thanks.” Me too.

•••

When I got to Ilda's house, I took a deep breath and knocked on the door. Almost instantly, the witch's smiling face appeared in the doorway. Today she was wearing her best ensemble yet: a pair of shamrock earrings and a purple cardigan covered with glittery rainbows. I knew some unicorns who would love the sight of her. If only I could get them to come and stick her with their horns.

“Oh, you're back,” she said. “I thought they'd driven you out of this land.”

“I'm not that easy to get rid of,” I said.

Ilda laughed, flashing her lipstick-stained teeth. “Perseverance is a virtue!”

“I want you to let me try the third task again,” I said.

She shook her head, her smile fading. “I'm afraid that's impossible. Everyone gets one chance, and that's it. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a festival to get to.”

Ilda tried to push past me, but I blocked her way. “If you're so sure the tasks are impossible, what's the harm in letting me try?”

“Because those are the rules. They wouldn't like it if…” She broke off, wincing like she'd said too much.

“Who wouldn't like it?” I said.

The witch let out a high-pitched giggle. “The other people who've already attempted the tasks, of course. It wouldn't be fair to them, would it?”

Since when did Ilda care about fairness?

This time she did manage to push past me and out of the house. She clapped her hands loudly and waited, but nothing happened. Then she snapped her fingers, stomped her feet, and flapped her arms in an elaborate crazy chicken dance. Still nothing.

“Where is that rooster?” she said, throwing her hands up in frustration. “Some creatures are just hopeless, no matter how much you teach them.”

My mind was spinning. Everyone had a price: Anthony's candy bribe proved that. I just had to figure out what Ilda's weakness was.

And then it came to me: Humiliation. That's what she loved the most.

“Okay, you like to make deals, right? How about this: You let me redo the last task during the festival today.”

Ilda's mouth curled up in amusement. “And why would I do that?”

“Think about it. Me failing in front of everyone will be like the crowning jewel of the event. And when it's all done, the land's magic will be gone, I'll be a pancake, and you'll have won.”

Ilda played with the chain around her neck as she thought over what I'd said. The fact that she was considering it at all was a good sign.

“That's a start,” she said. “But I'm not sure that would teach you enough of a lesson. How about this?
When
you fail, if you're still alive, you will voluntarily allow me to turn you into any type of object I want. Maybe a rock or a bush or a wheel of cheese. That way I can use you as an example and everyone will benefit!”

What could I say? I wasn't thrilled about the idea of spending the rest of my life as a hunk of stinky cheese, but I didn't have a choice. I would just have to make sure not to fail this time.

“Fine,” I said. “But if I succeed, you have to give the land its magic back and reverse all the curses you've put on everyone. And after that, you'll leave this land alone forever.”

“Very well,” said Ilda, her voice sweet and sticky. She obviously thought I was a fool for making this deal with her. “Your humiliation will be the star attraction of the festival.” She giggled. “Then everyone will be able to learn from your failure! If only your parents had—”

I made myself tune out her words as I stomped away. Nothing was going to distract me from succeeding this time.

As I made my way toward the glass mountain, I passed dozens of people getting ready for the festival. The vibe in the village was somber and resigned, as if everyone had given up. I couldn't say I blamed them. If I lived in this place, I'd probably feel defeated too. Ilda seemed to feed off everyone's crushed hopes.

When I got to the mountain, the sun was high in the sky, which meant that the festival had already started. This time, as I got ready to climb, I was a little more prepared. I pulled a length of rope out of my bag and tied it around my waist. Then I looped the extra rope at my hip, hoping it would be long enough to make my plan work.

After stretching out my fingers and ignoring the aches and pains from the last time I'd attempted this crazy task, I got to work. This time, climbing was much easier, mostly because my mind was on what I was doing. Everything else faded away until I was just focused on finding one foothold after the next.

Within a few minutes, I reached the same ledge I'd fallen off the first time. I glanced up at the perfectly smooth rock face above me. I'd gone as far as I could go. Now all I could do was wait.

And wait.

And wait.

The sun was starting to get lower in the sky, which made my stomach clench. I was running out of time. What if this didn't work?

I found myself composing little rhymes in my head to pass the time, ones that were about ten times worse than anything Melissa had ever written. Next time I heard one of her songs, I'd try not to be so judgmental.
If
I ever saw her again, that is.

As I pushed that thought out of my head, I heard a sound from below. The last thing I wanted to do was look down, but I couldn't help myself. A crowd of villagers was coming toward the mountain. They were covered in mud and some of them still had animal parts: a horse's tail, a donkey head. No doubt Ilda had sent them here so they could see me mess up.

A minute later, Ilda rode up on the Monsterooster. Sure enough, she had dressed it up in a bonnet that perfectly matched her sparkly purple sweater. The witch looked completely ridiculous and yet totally in control. She started ordering people to set up a stage, probably so she could have everyone watch as she turned me into a hunk of cheddar later.

Seeing how miserable the villagers looked, how filthy and defeated, made determination sweep through my whole body. Ilda expected me to fail, but I'd promised these people I would help them. And that was exactly what I was going to do.

Finally, my ears picked up the sound I'd been waiting for:
Skree! Skree! Skree!

I'd never thought I'd be glad to see a murderous bird charging at me, but it was all part of my plan. My crazy, potentially suicidal plan.

I grabbed the rope and held the loose end up like a lasso. As the bird drew nearer, suddenly I heard another sound coming from below:
Clang. Clang! CLANG!

“Fair maiden, do not fear!” I heard Sir Knight call. “I'm coming to rescue you.”

Perfect. Just what I needed.

“No!” I cried, as the clanging drew closer. “I don't want your help. Turn back!”

But he wouldn't listen to me. Either that, or he couldn't hear me over the sound of his ridiculously loud armor.

I tried to forget about the knight and focus on the task at hand. The bird drew closer and closer. As it swooped at me, I tossed the lasso into the air and—success! The rope wrapped around the bird's neck. The beast shrieked and started to pull up. Since the other end of the rope was tightly fastened around my waist, the bird couldn't go anywhere without taking me with it.

For a second, I was flying! And then—

Clang!

Sir Knight grabbed on to my leg. “Do not fear, maiden! I'll protect you.”

“Let go of me!” I yelled as the bird flapped its giant black wings, straining to rise into the air. The knight was ruining everything. I tried to free my leg, but he held on tight.

Slowly, the bird managed to climb upward with me dangling from its neck and Sir Knight dangling from my leg. Boy, was he heavy. I felt like I was being dragged down by a boulder filled with boulders.

“Hold on, maiden!” Sir Knight called.

“
You
hold on,” I said, since we were too high up now for him to safely jump down. “I have a plan. Just stay out of the way!”

We got higher and higher, gliding along the gleaming mountain. I tried not to look down, and I tried to ignore the distinctly oily smell coming off the bird's feathers.

As the ground started to feel seriously far away, I closed my eyes, hoping I was right and the bird would take me to the top of the mountain. Fingers crossed that today wasn't the day the bird decided to keep going into the clouds to see what was beyond them. I hadn't remembered to pack my spacesuit.

Finally, just as I'd hoped, we reached the mountain peak and the bird started to skim along it. The glass here was so thin and sharp that it looked like it could easily slice me in half. I didn't know how there could be a magical object up here—wouldn't it have slid off?—but I grabbed a knife out of my bag and got ready to slice through the rope at the first sight of anything that looked promising.

We hadn't gone far before the bird suddenly dove again. As we lurched forward, the rope cut into my waist, making me gasp for air. I glanced down to check how Sir Knight was doing—just in time to see him lose his grip on my leg and drop like a hunk of metal.