My Epic Fairy Tale Fail (6 page)

“What are trolls like?” Trish asked as we made our way through the woods in the direction of the cave. It was blissfully quiet now that Sir Knight wasn't with us. I'd been relieved when Ilda had sent him back to the village as we'd set off on our quest. I didn't think my ear drums could take much more of his company.

“Trolls are pretty ugly,” I said. “And they're usually grumpy. But they love riddles.”

“Riddles?” asked Melissa. “I always thought trolls were kind of dumb.”

“Nope,” I said. “Anthony has a troll friend who sits around guarding a bridge and doing crossword puzzles all day. He gets every single answer right.”

“That's fascinating.” As usual, Trish was scribbling away. “I can't believe how much amazing stuff you've learned, Jenny. Why would you have ever wanted to quit being an adventurer?” Trish shook her head like she thought I was crazy.

I was about to answer when an odd feeling made me freeze.

I'd read about people getting a prickly sensation at the back of their necks when they thought they were being watched, but I always thought that was just a cliché. Now I knew it was for real. It felt like someone was running an ice cube down my spine. I whipped my head around, trying to spot the mysterious watcher. But no one was there.

“Jenny, are you okay?” said Melissa, poking me in the shoulder.

I blinked. “Yup. I'm great.” I pushed thoughts of axe-wielding forest monsters out of my head. It must have just been my imagination. Then I forced a smile onto my face. “Race you guys to the edge of the woods!” I announced.

The three of us took off through the trees. As usual, Melissa pulled into the lead right away, her long legs flying. After a second, she grabbed some dry leaves off the ground and playfully threw them at us as we trailed behind her.

“Hey!” cried Trish. She scooped up some grass and tossed it at Melissa, but it only managed to blow back in her face and get caught in her glasses. The three of us burst out laughing and slowed to a walk.

As we kept going along the path, I couldn't help thinking how great it was to have my friends with me. It barely even felt like we were on an adventure. We were just joking and laughing like we always did.

Finally, we came out of the forest into a rocky landscape that looked like it had a cave hidden behind every bush.

“How are we supposed to find this troll guy?” said Melissa.

“That should help,” said Trish, pointing to a wooden sign nearby with “Troll Habitat Ahead” written on it. Below that sign was a second smaller one: “Riddle Enthusiasts Welcome.” And below that was a third sign with the words “The Tastier, The Better” written in tiny letters. I didn't want to know what that last one meant.

We followed along the path until, sure enough, we came to the mouth of a huge cave tucked into the hillside. We heard something lumbering toward us inside the cave, and then two squinty eyes peered out from the shadows.

“Who's there?” said a low, raspy voice.

“I heard you have an impossible riddle for us,” I called back.

The troll let out a delighted grunt and shuffled into the light. Trish and Melissa both sucked in a breath. Even I had to admit the troll was a sight. I'd expected him to be lumpy and hunched, but I hadn't expected him to be Smurf blue or to be wearing round, wire-rimmed glasses. He looked a lot less threatening than your average troll, but I wasn't going to let my guard down just yet.

“Oh my gosh!” said Melissa. “He's adorable!”

The troll froze. “Pardon me. Did you just say I was
adorable
?” he asked in a surprisingly proper British accent.

“I always thought trolls were gross and smelly and stuff, but you're so cute!” she went on.

“Mr. Troll,” Trish broke in, pulling her notebook out of her pocket. “Would you mind answering a few questions for me? I'd love to know a bit about how you see your role in the magical community.”

The troll was starting to breathe heavily, like there was water boiling inside him. “How dare you? You come to my cave and speak to me in such a disrespectful manner? It's simply barbaric! I am a troll. You are expected to fear me!”

Uh-oh. This wasn't good.

Melissa's eyes lit up. She grabbed a fortune from her pocket and read: “‘Your happiness is intertwined with your outlook on life.'”

“My happiness is
what
?” the troll roared.

“Guys!” I said, jumping in front of my friends. “How about you let me handle this?”

“But, Jenny,” said Trish, “we were just trying to—”

“I know. It's okay. I'll take it from here,” I said. My friends both looked unhappy, but they fell silent. Just in time too. The troll's blue cheeks were starting to look purple.

“I have never been spoken to in such a way!” he cried. “Imagine, after years of working to appear as fearsome as possible, someone comes along and calls you ‘cute' and lectures you on happiness. I
know
how to be happy!”

“Of course you do!” I said. “We're sorry. We're, um, not from around here. It won't happen again.” I didn't add that besides his size, the troll was about as scary-looking as a goldfish. And he certainly didn't
act
all that happy.

“I should hope not!” the troll said, slinging his trademark troll club over his shoulder. It was polished and oiled so it shone. Clearly, this guy took a lot of pride in his troll responsibilities. “So you are here to answer my impossible riddle. Shall we begin?”

“Yes, please,” I said. I waved for my friends to join me. This time, they didn't look quite as eager to talk to the troll.

He took a deep breath, and his cheeks started to go back to their original blue color. “You will have three guesses. Each time you guess incorrectly, I will grow angry and violent. I'm afraid I can't help it. Trolls are perfectionists. Wrong answers make us quite irritable.” He sighed as if this trait were a huge burden. “If all three answers are wrong, I will rip off your limbs and eat them with my afternoon tea. Is that clear?”

I heard Trish and Melissa let out little gasps beside me.

“I guess we'll just have to get the answers right, then,” I said. Maybe I was wrong about the goldfish thing. The troll might not look frightening, but he seemed totally serious about gobbling us up.

The troll stuck out a monstrous blue hand. “Incidentally, my name is Irwin. I think we should be properly introduced before I suck the meat off your bones.”

“Um, it's nice to meet you. I'm Jenny.” I took the troll's hot-dog-sized pinky in my hand and shook it. Then I introduced my friends. Melissa looked squeamish when Irwin offered her a finger, but Trish's professional side took over and she gave him a nice, firm fingershake.

“Let's begin.” Irwin cleared his throat and held his head high, like he was about to start singing opera.

You'll hear me when you're lifted up and down.

You'll see me when a tree you've wrapped your car around.

I'm sure to growl if to me you add an “
o
.”

And
if
you
hear
me
repeated, you've won the game show!

The troll fell silent and took a step back, an expectant look on his blue face. I couldn't help thinking that his rhyming skills weren't much better than Melissa's. But I tried not to focus on that as I started to replay the words in my head.

“Oh, that's easy!” Melissa said after a second. “The answer's a—”

“No, wait!” I cried. But it was too late.

“—staircase.”

There was a long moment of silence. Then Irwin's eyes turned red, and he let out a high-pitched shriek. “
Incorrec
t
!” He swung his shiny club around his head and hurled it at Melissa.

“Duck!” I screamed.

Melissa managed to dive out of the way just in time. The troll's club fell to the ground with a dull thud, right in the spot where she'd been standing.

I ran over to where she was sprawled on the ground, looking dazed. “Are you okay?”

Melissa nodded and let me help her to her feet. “Guess my answer was wrong, huh?” she asked with a weak smile.

I tried to laugh but was too frazzled to do anything more than cough. “Yeah, I'd say so. Next time, let's check in with each other before shouting out answers, okay?”

She nodded. “Sorry.” I could tell she meant it.

“No problem.” I meant it too. Well, mostly. I couldn't blame my friends for not knowing how things worked. I'd just have to keep a closer eye on them; that was all.

“Pardon me,” Irwin called. “Do you wish to continue guessing or can I simply eat you now?”

“We'll keep guessing!” I called back. Melissa, Trish, and I gathered together again. “Okay, guys, no shouting out answers,” I reminded them.

“Shall I repeat the riddle?” said Irwin.

“Yes, please, Mr. Troll,” said Trish.

Irwin sighed and began again in a lilting voice:

You'll hear me when you're lifted up and down.

You'll see me when a tree you've wrapped your car around.

I'm sure to growl if to me you add an “
o
.”

And
if
you
hear
me
repeated, you've won the game show!

As I tried to think, I heard Trish mumbling the riddle to herself. Her eyes were closed in intense concentration. Since Trish was the most book-smart of the three of us, she was bound to have the best chance of getting the right answer.

“Well?” said Irwin.

Melissa and I looked at Trish expectantly. She opened her eyes and shook her head. “I-I don't know, guys. I guess it could be…maybe it's a…”

“I'm growing impatient!” said Irwin.

“A rock!” Trish cried.

A rock? That couldn't be right. Could it?

“
Incorrec
t
!” Since Irwin no longer had his club, he grabbed a nearby boulder and chucked it in our direction. I threw myself forward and bowled my friends to the ground just as the boulder bounced past us like a basketball.

“I'm sorry!” said Trish as we scrambled to our feet. Her glasses were almost hanging off her nose, but she didn't seem to notice. “When I couldn't figure out the answer, I panicked.”

“It's okay. We still have another chance.” I hoped I sounded more optimistic than I felt. I wasn't exactly looking forward to becoming a troll snack.

“Do you give up?” Irwin asked.

“Not yet.” I ushered my friends behind me this time, hoping that might keep them safe, and faced Irwin head-on.

“Once more, then,” he said. “And I must say, I truly am sorry to have to eat you if you fail. I think we all could have been friends.” He cleared his throat and repeated the riddle one more time.

You'll hear me when you're lifted up and down.

You'll see me when a tree you've wrapped your car around.

I'm sure to growl if to me you add an “
o
.”

And
if
you
hear
me
repeated, you've won the game show!

This time Trish and Melissa kept their lips tightly sealed. My mind churned. There was no safety net. If I didn't get this right, we'd all be turned into finger sandwiches.

I'd never been great at riddles—even word searches tripped me up—but I tried to push that fact out of my head. After all, if Sir Knight could get the answer right, surely I could, too.

Wait. Sir Knight.

How had the knight—clearly not the sharpest sword in the armory—gotten the correct answer? Maybe that meant it was really obvious. Or…maybe he'd never figured out the answer at all.

Excitement bubbled up in my stomach. That was it. It had to be.

“Ding!” I cried.

Melissa and Trish looked at me like my brain had just fallen out of my head.

“Jenny, what are you doing?” said Trish. “Do you have the answer?”

“Ding,” I repeated. “That's the answer.”

My friends looked at Irwin, clearly terrified, as he let out a low laugh. Then he raised his giant hands and…started clapping.

“Nicely done, Jenny!” he said. “I was starting to doubt you.”

I didn't admit that I'd been having doubts myself. My knees felt rubbery and weak.

“But, Jenny, how did you know the answer?” said Melissa.

I shrugged. “If Sir Knight could answer the riddle, I figured it either had to be really easy, or he must have gotten it right by accident. He's always
dinging
and
clanging
around.”

“That's brilliant!” said Trish.

“Lucky guess.” I turned to Irwin. “Now, if you'll excuse us, we have an object to find in your cave.”

“You mean this?” He held out what looked like a clear spray bottle.

As I took it out of his hand, I realized it
was
a clear spray bottle filled with cloudy white liquid. This was what we'd almost gotten eaten for?

I unscrewed the top of the bottle and sniffed the liquid inside. The scent was tangy and familiar, but I couldn't quite place it. It definitely didn't smell like something I'd want to drink.

“Are you sure this is it?” I said.

Irwin nodded. “That's what the witch put in my home.”

“But wait, why is it still here?” said Trish. “If Sir Knight completed the task, shouldn't he have taken it with him?”

“Ilda returns the object here if the person fails to complete the three tasks.” Irwin's shoulders sagged, and suddenly he looked like a lost little kid instead of a flesh-eating troll. “So I guess you'll be leaving me, then?”

I nodded. “We have to go do the second task.”

He let out a long sigh. “I understand. It's just…it gets a bit lonely here. Back when there was still magic, I could transport myself to different parts of the land to see my friends. But now the magic is almost gone, and they're all such a long way off.”

“If you hate that the magic is disappearing, then why are you helping Ilda?” said Trish.

Irwin shook his head. “I'm a troll. Guarding is in my nature. When someone gives me an object, I have no choice.”

He looked so genuinely sad that I couldn't help reaching out and giving his giant blue leg a squeeze. “Don't worry,” I said. “I'll get rid of Ilda and bring the magic back. I promise.” It occurred to me how many times I'd made that same promise since I'd arrived in the Land of Tales. Apparently, I liked putting even more pressure on myself.

Irwin picked up his club and hugged it to his chest. “I wish I could believe that, but I'm afraid my land is doomed. Still, I hope you succeed.”

“Where there's a will, there's a way,” I said. I barely cringed anymore when cheesy sayings came out of my mouth, but I could practically hear Trish and Melissa rolling their eyes.

“Very true,” Irwin replied like I'd said something unbelievably wise. At least he looked a little less deflated than he had before.

I tucked the spray bottle in my bag—careful not to squish Leonard, who was still sleeping soundly—and we waved good-bye to Irwin before heading back the way we'd come.

“That was great,” said Melissa. “I could do it all over again!”

It took me a second to realize that she was being serious. “Are you crazy? We almost got turned into troll food!”

“I know,” she said, her eyes sparkling. “It was so exciting. Way better than sitting in school all day.” She started singing softly to herself, putting the troll's riddle to music.

“How do you deal with being back in our boring old world, Jenny?” said Trish. “This place is amazing. I thought it would be like living in a fairy tale, but it's even better than that.”

Now Melissa was humming a different tune under her breath and composing a song about our adventure. I swore I heard her trying to rhyme the words “troll” and “boulder” with each other.

I couldn't believe it. Did my friends not realize we'd almost been goners? Maybe there was a reason normal people weren't allowed to go on these kinds of adventures.

As we climbed over a fallen tree, I stopped in my tracks. The feeling was back, that prickle along my spine that made me think we were being watched.

“Jenny, are you okay?” said Trish, turning to look at me.

For a second, I considered telling my friends the truth, but then I had a way-too-vivid image of Melissa running through the woods, excited to greet our potential stalker with a tune. Keeping my mouth shut was probably safer, at least for now.

“I'm fine. Let's go.” I tried to make my voice light, but inside I felt anything but. There was no question now; we were definitely being followed.