Matt Fargo (66 page)

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Authors: Dirty Japanese: Everyday Slang From "What's Up?" to "F*%# Off!"

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Yummmmm!

umē

Did you know that the way a person eats is a direct reflection of how they make love? Some people are speed-eaters, others are notoriously picky. Some people like greasy shit, and others like it bland. Lots of dudes are into the Asian food, these days. Personally, the girls I date like to eat four meals a day. Oh yeah, and vegetarians like to have sex with plants, which makes Japanese TV pure porn, because it’s chocked full of food programming. The roots of soy sauce, the secret to delicious beef curry, the best ramen shops in Osaka—food culture has found its medium in Japanese television. And on these innumerable food programs, every time the hosts put something new in their mouths they inevitably make some comment about how delicious it is, so as to convey to their viewers at home the complex gustatory sensations occurring in their mouths. The meaning of these comments basically boils down to “DELICIOUS!!!!” but they take on a number of forms, including the following:

This is good.
kore oishī ne

This is delicious!
koitsu wa umai wa

Fantabulous!
geki uma

It melts in my mouth.
kuchi no naka de torokete kurū

It smells fucking fabulous.
sungē ī kaori

Holy shit, this is scrumptious.
uwa kore maji umē

Can I get seconds?
okawari moraemasu ka

I want to marry the cook.
tsukutta hito to kekkon shitai

You mao’d that shit down.
omae paku paku kutta nā

You scarfed it on down.
mogu mogu kutteta mon

Food benders

kuidaore

A “food bender” (kuidaore) is a Japanese tradition wherein you spend an entire evening walking from restaurant to restaurant, progressively gorging yourself into glassy-eyed
stupor. This practice originated in the Osaka area, but it’s just as easy to eat yourself silly on gourmet cuisine in any of Tokyo’s 23 wards.

< LET’S GET SOME
…

. . .ni shiyō

Japanese food
washoku

beef rice bowl
gyūdon

This is Japanese fast food: cheap and filling. You can find college kids horfing this shit down in any of the ubiquitous chain restaurants purveying these beef feasts: Yoshinoya, Matsuya, Kōbe Ranputei.

egg noodles
rāmen

Not the shitty instant noodles that got you through college. Real Japanese ramen is the stuff of dreams. There are whole magazines devoted to finding the best ramen in Tokyo.

Korean barbecue
yaki niku

This has little to do with the soul food you are probably accustomed to. Thin slabs of top-grade beef, often marinated, that you grill at your table.

Japanese pancake
okonomi yaki

Based on a cake of batter and cabbage, okonomiyaki is kind of like pizza in that it allows you to add pretty much whatever you feel like: bacon, seafood, veggies, cheese, noodles, kimchee.

chicken kabobs
yakitori

Yakitori is usually sold by street vendors, and comes in a wide variety of forms: chicken breast, chicken wings, chicken cartilage, chicken liver, chicken skin.

breaded pork
tonkatsu

Basically this is a deep-fried pork cutlet.

Japanese stew
oden

You know it’s winter, in Japan, when the convenience stores pull out these big vats of broth and start stewing stuff: eggs, potatoes, daikon, tofu, kamaboko. Trust me on this: the stuff at 7-Eleven is actually really good.