Many Shades of Gray (15 page)

“What would Simon have to be afraid of?”

“Suppose you answer that one for me. He’s the man you chose. If he went to so much trouble to hunt me down and try to pay me off, then he has to be afraid of something. I’ll take a gamble that it has to do with you. I guess he wanted to ensure that the kiss I gave you earlier wouldn’t happen.”

“Are you saying if you had kept the check that you wouldn’t have kissed me?”

“I’m saying that Simon Kohl was more than likely hoping that it wouldn’t happen. I would probably have kissed you even if he had given me every dime he had. I wanted to see if you still tasted as sweet as you did in the past.”

And did I? She wanted to ask but didn’t dare.

“You did,” he said in response to the question in her eyes. “You still taste like golden brown sugar. Only difference, I sensed a lot more fire.”

Janice could feel the blush on her face. “Let’s get back to business, Tommy. I have money, I can give you a check.”

“For a million dollars?”

“I’m not Simon Kohl.”

“But you’re sleeping with him.”

“I’m engaged to him.”

“Still?”

“His money is his. And the answer to the question you’re dying to ask me is, no, I’m not marrying Simon for his money. I have my own.”

“Then why are you?”

“Why do you keep insisting on getting off the subject?”

“Sorry, how much are you going to write that check for?”

“How about ten thousand?”

“What happened to all those million dollar contracts I keep reading about you getting?”

“Simon manages my money for me. I keep only a little in my checking account.”

“You don’t have a savings?”

“Why are you being so nosy?”

“I’m just wondering if you were dumb enough to turn over all of your money to one man. Like you said, you were the one who was good with figures. Why aren’t you running your own affairs? Why do you trust Simon Kohl to handle your money? Aren’t you worried in the least that one man managing your life has total control over you?”

“Even if I were, that one man is Simon Kohl. Do you really think he has a need to steal my money? Please. How do you think I got those million dollar contracts? He paid me. Why would he have to steal it back? That’s crazy.”

“I thought you said he didn’t buy you.”

“I said he didn’t own me. I worked for my money.” Janice could feel her blood boiling and stopped. They’d already had this round. “Tommy, if I write you a check are you going to tear mine up also?”

For a long moment he stared at her, his right hand resting on his chin, his left hand tapping the coffee table. “Was it mine?” He saw the puzzled look on her face. “Was it mine?”

“I thought we were going to stick to the bookstores.”

“I guess I can’t. This has been weighing on my mind for twelve years. I didn’t believe you, yet I’ve hated you for a decade because I didn’t know for sure. I think we need to talk now. At least answer that one question, was it mine?”

“Yes, Tommy, it was yours. How could you have doubted that?”

“Because of the look on your face when you told me. You looked as though you hated me. You had never looked at me like that.”

“Tommy, I couldn’t believe how you acted.” Red-hot fury claimed her, causing her to wrap her arms around her body in order to contain it. She’d known it was going to come to this and she’d dreaded it just as she’d dreaded it that night so long ago. Tommy still didn’t seem to understand what she’d been upset about.

“Tommy, you left me.”

“You knew I would come back.”

“How did I know that?” Her voice dropped and she was talking so softly that he leaned in to hear her. “I never thought you would leave me.”

“But I came back.”

“But you left me.”

“You should have known I would come back for you.”

Tears spilled from her eyes. “Tommy, don’t you understand just how scared I was? The one person that I thought would always be there for me took off. You didn’t call or anything, you just abandoned me. You left me all alone and you knew what my parents would have done if they had found out. They would have been so disappointed.”

“But they would have stood behind you. All these years and your mother has been asking me what happened. She still wonders. I’m surprised that you never told anyone, especially your parents. I know they would have stood behind you.”

“I didn’t want them to stand behind me. I wanted you to stand beside me and you didn’t. Yes, I know when all was said and done they would have helped me with the baby, but, Tommy, at that time I couldn’t go on without you in my life. I didn’t want to be an unwed mother or a single parent. I didn’t want to be another statistic. Don’t you understand that?”

Tommy was trying to hear her, but all he could see was that she had not had enough faith in him, in his love for her and she’d not bothered to give him a chance to come to his senses. “You should have waited.”

“And you shouldn’t have left me. What if you never came back?”

“But I did.”

Janice sighed. “Tommy, we’re never going to see things differently. I did what I thought was best for me at the time. I didn’t have you to count on. What was I supposed to do? Maybe you should have told me that if I ever got pregnant you would leave me. All you ever told me was how much you loved me, how much you wanted to marry me, to have a dozen babies with me. I still remember worrying about that the first time we made love. I was afraid, but you assured me that you would never leave me that you would always be there for me. You weren’t, Tommy.”

“Do you hate me, Mary Jo?”

“I have for so long that I don’t know how to answer that. I don’t think I know how not to hate you.”

“I tried to make it up to you. I came back. We could have gone on from there, but you acted like I wasn’t important to you, that you didn’t want me in your life. That was one of the reasons I wondered when you told me the baby wasn’t mine. Seven days before you’d loved me like crazy. Seven days later you hated me. I didn’t want to believe you, but what was I supposed to think?”

“You were supposed to think my feelings had something to do with my pregnancy. Maybe my hormones were off because of the pregnancy, I don’t know. All I know is that when the procedure was over a part of me was gone that I could never get back. You did nothing to ease the pain of that loss or to make me feel that there had ever been anything between us but sex and lies.”

Tommy tapped the table again. “I guess I asked for all of that, didn’t I?”

“Yes, I guess you did.”

“Before that did you love me?” he said, going to her. “Tell me that it wasn’t all a lie.”

“It wasn’t a lie,” Janice said softly, getting up to stand before him. “My loving you was never a lie.” She saw the look in his eyes and knew he needed to be comforted as much as she. He held out his arms and she went into them as easily, as if they’d never been separated by the past, and when he tilted her chin up to kiss her she didn’t resist.

The kiss was soft and gentle and sweet. It was the remnants of their forgotten youth. It meant nothing more than comfort to her. She allowed herself the familiarity of his arms for a few seconds more before she wiped her eyes and moved away. She smiled. “I don’t know if Simon would think that was as innocent as it was, if he’d seen us.”

“I don’t imagine that he would.”

“But we know there wasn’t anything sexual in that kiss, don’t we, Tommy?” Janice asked even more softly, her voice barely more than a whisper.

“Yes, we know that it was nothing sexual,” Tommy answered, plopping down in his chair. Nothing sexual—like hell. He was so hard that he was gritting his teeth as he willed himself not to touch her. He surveyed her and saw her nipples pushed against the material of her bra and top. He’d bet they were every bit as hard as the erection he was sporting. Nothing sexual? What a crock.

With his erection finally under control Tommy put away the huge graph he’d been using for cover. Working with Mary Jo was either the best idea he’d ever had or the worst. For over ten minutes they’d each worked in silence.

“I arranged for a couple of signings next week.” Tommy looked in her direction. “We’ve pretty much got New York covered. I was thinking we could drive to Pennsylvania and New Jersey in the next day or so. There are three stores in Washington D.C. that are doing pretty good. We can hit those also. I’ve got a shitload of market research to take with us.”

Mary Jo wasn’t answering him. She was chewing on her fingernail and staring at the files he’d given her with a glazed expression. He would make bet that their kiss was as much on her mind as it was on his. He wasn’t against staring at her all day, but they still needed to get some work done. “Mary Jo, do you have your day planner with you?”

“No, just give me the schedule and I’ll fill it in when I get home.” Janice reached across the table, jerking her hand away at the touch of Tommy’s fingers to hers. He’d started a heat deep within her core and the thaw was coming. She glanced at him, at the smirk on his face and laughed. What an arrogant fool. He thought it was himself she was hot for. He had no idea.

“I didn’t mean anything, I wasn’t trying to do—”

“I know. Listen, I need to get home by five.” Janice stopped him, not wanting his touch to mean what it did for both their sakes. “I promised Simon that tonight we would set a date for the wedding. We’re going to have a romantic dinner.”

She didn’t know what she’d expected, but Tommy didn’t answer her, just stared at her as though he didn’t know her. But that in itself didn’t surprise her. They didn’t know each other, not anymore. She had her doubts that they ever had. Her reaction to him could be easily explained away. He was her first, and after reliving past history, old feelings had surfaced.

“When do you want me to do the magazine interviews? Was that with Black Rose or Black Train of Thought? I know you asked me to write an article for one of them, but I don’t remember which one. Will you make the arrangements? Do you think I should contact them…I’m not sure…just tell me how you want to handle this. Whichever magazine you wanted to interview me they could just phone or…or…email me with questions?” She was rambling but couldn’t seem to stop.

“I’m not going to attack you.”

“I didn’t think that you were.”

“So why are you so nervous?”

“Tommy, stop!” She began to tremble. “I can’t do this all day.”

“I haven’t done anything; I just asked why you’re nervous.”

“Can’t you just answer my question? How do you want me to do the interview?”

“I’ll take you to see Gerald from Black Rose, when we go out walking later to pass out fliers of your upcoming signing. He can take your picture and get what information he needs from you.”

“Good.” She was doing her best to control her breathing. At least it was getting a little easier since he wasn’t standing so close.

“Did you hear that Martha August’s bookstore is also closing?”

“No, I didn’t,” Janice answered, not bothering to tell Tommy that she had no idea who Martha August was. “Is it too late to help her?”

“Yes. Her lease is up and the landlord wants to triple the rent for her to stay.”

“Wow!”

“Yeah, wow. She was barely making enough as it was to keep the store open, but there would be no way she could pay the new rent and make a living.”

“Tommy, it sounds like what I said, economics.”

“Some are, some aren’t. I think it’s a conspiracy to drive the black business owners out of business.”

Janice smiled for the first time in hours, feeling lighter. “You always thought everything was a conspiracy. You even thought that snow being white was a conspiracy.” She laughed and to her delight he laughed with her.

“Did anyone go to the owner of the property and try to get him or her to maybe extend the lease?”

“Of course we did, what do you think? We’ve been doing this for a number of years. He wants her out. He’s going to rent the space to a large chain, get the money he wants, and another specialty store closes. A meeting place for black people will no longer be. That’s why I think this isn’t an accident.”

“What about your store, Tommy? Are you in danger of closing?”

“I’m doing okay.”

“What does okay mean?”

“It means I can pay my employees, and my bills. Can I charter a private plane and fly all over the world? Hell no, but for at least a year my lease is firm.”

“Do you handle specialty books as well?”

“Of course.”

“Do you have any of my titles?”

“I stock all African American books.”

“You’ve done a good job, Tommy. It looks like you stayed true to your dreams. Do you mind if I take a look around your store?”

“What is it really?” Tommy laughed. “Do you need a few minutes to get away from me?”

She smiled. “Matter of fact, I do. But I also haven’t gotten a chance to look in your store.”

* * *

Janice walked into the store and took a deep breath. The past had crowded in on her in a way she’d not expected. She’d thought she had erected enough barriers to ward off any attacks. Even her mother’s constant questioning and trying to make her angry had not made a dent. The one person she’d never counted on fighting was Tommy. Tommy had always been able to wear down her defenses. The more she thought about it, the more aware she became that she had indeed needed a break from him.