Many Shades of Gray (14 page)

“Why are so many bookstores closing at this particular time?” Janice asked, determined to bring both of their minds back to the problem at hand.

“Technology, lack of support, black authors going to larger companies that don’t cater primarily to the independent bookstores but to the large chains.”

Janice frowned a little. “Tommy, you had me thinking that I single-handedly destroyed the stores.”

“I never said that.”

“No, but you implied it. You have said more than once that my lack of support played a big part in this.”

“And I stand by that,” Tommy admitted, coming to sit across from her.

She watched as the passion of his words pushed aside the burning sexual passion she’d seen in his eyes earlier. They were now on safer ground. They were where she needed to be. Janice had no desire to revisit old graves.

“Tommy, I don’t control technology or big business.”

“But you could bring more readers into the neighborhoods, do more signings at the smaller stores, and create a buzz.”

“I said that I would.”

“Too bad it’s almost a decade too late.” Tommy looked in Mary Jo’s direction, wanting to continue hating her, not wanting to recall the sweetness of her body.

His gaze traveled to her lips and he felt another surge of passion and wondered how on earth he’d ever believed he could work with her and not remember.

“Internet sales are killing us,” he said, suddenly deciding to let her off the hook. “Publishers are now doing their own sales directly to the public via Internet, so we’re getting cut out.”

“This is about the dollars?”

“This is about tradition. Do you have any idea what the bookstores really mean to the black community? Do you know how many years you couldn’t find a book by an African American or by anyone for that matter who might be considered different or that the government termed subversive? It was the small independent black bookstores that got those books and pushed them, that allowed groups to gather and talk about the books. And believe it or not, this method helped the sales. It was the bookstores that supported the writers and now it’s the writers’ turn to support the bookstores.”

“If I never knew any of this, how can you blame me? I had no knowledge that when I started writing I had to make sure where my books were placed. I didn’t do anything in my career to hurt anyone. I was just trying to make a living.”

“That’s a lie,” Tommy sneered. “As often as the two of us planned this out, don’t insult me and say you didn’t know.”

“Those were childhood dreams, Tommy. We wanted to make a difference but we didn’t have figures to back us up. We didn’t really know everything there was to know.”

“You knew more than most.”

“I knew what you told me, Tommy. You were the rebel, I was just your foot soldier. I was there to cheer you on. You made the plans and assumed I would carry them out.”

“What are you talking about?”

“I’m talking about what we’re skirting around. You think I’m a traitor because I wrote and then sold my work to the highest bidder. And I want to know why you are angry about that.”

“Because—”

“I’ll tell you why,” Janice said, interrupting him, “because even after all this time it ticks you off that I wasn’t your puppet, that I was doing something different from the life you’d planned out for me. My role in that whole thing was not to be a writer but to be what, Tommy? Part owner of a bookstore with you? I don’t think it was even that. I have a good memory and what I remember is that you were going to do all the booking of authors. You were going to do poetry readings, you were going to all sorts of conventions. And I would do the books, manage the store and raise our kids. Wasn’t that the plan you had, Tommy?”

“You were happy when I made it.”

“I was a kid and I was in love.”

“And are you in love now?”

For a moment Janice stared at him, wondering whether he was talking about himself or Simon. “How I feel now is none of your concern.”

“It may not be my concern, but you sure as hell don’t act as if you can’t wait to see the guy, to have him touch you. Tell me you don’t remember how I made you feel, how my touch burned you. Tell me that and I’ll call you a liar.”

Janice rose from her chair. “Tell me you don’t remember the same things and I’ll call you a liar.” They stood no more than an inch apart, their eyes blazing, and as they both had known it would, it happened.

Tommy grabbed Janice, roughly pushing his body against hers as though he hated her and kissed her, shoving his tongue forcefully in her mouth. She struggled against him until something happened and she stilled and trembled in his arms and he pulled slightly away, still holding her.

“I’m sorry about that.”

Janice fought the urge to swipe her fingers across her lips. What the hell was she doing? She didn’t want Tommy anymore. Simon would kill her if he ever found out. She began to shake as though she were chilled. Oh God, she thought as the memories of her past warred with her future with Simon. They were just that, memories, but still they had the power to destroy.

“Janice, I’m sorry. I had no right to do that. I didn’t plan it, I just couldn’t stop myself.”

“I know,” she said at last, wrapping her arms around her body. “It was bound to happen, Tommy.” She pointed toward the coffee. “The two of us planning, I think we just picked up for a moment where we left off.” She pushed away from him. “But we’re not kids anymore, Tommy. I’m engaged to a wonderful man and I’m getting married.”

“Tell me that you feel in his arms what you felt in mine.”

“I’ll tell you that Simon satisfies me and that when we’re making love I’ve only thought of him. So if you’re thinking that I thought of you, I want you to know that I haven’t thought of you, not one time.”

“Any man can satisfy a woman with just a little skill and a bit of practice. But that doesn’t mean that the feelings are the same.” He cocked his head. “I’ll be honest with you and tell you that no woman has ever felt right in my arms since you. I’ve enjoyed making love and I’ve had women who were way more experienced than you would ever want to be. And they’ve really rocked my world, but there was always something missing, Mary Jo. When the act was over, when all was said and done, I was never fulfilled. That’s what I’m asking you. Does Simon Kohl fulfill you?”

She backed away. “I’m not discussing my fiancé with you, Tommy. He’s not you and he’s not my first. Why would I compare him or any man to that?”

“Because you should,” he said, walking back up to her, running his finger down the side of her arms, watching her tremble. “Because if he doesn’t make you feel that,” he said, looking meaningfully at her, “do you really want to spend the rest of your life in his bed?”

Janice backed away again. “That’s dead, Tommy. Do you really think that all you have to do is touch me and I’m going to fall all over you?”

“You used to.”

“That was twelve years ago, that was before you hurt…”

Anger flared in Tommy. “Before what? Go on and say it. Before I hurt you? You’re kidding, lady, you destroyed me. What the hell are you talking about? You’re not the one with the right to be angry, I am. If anyone is justified in hating someone it should be me. You seem to have a faulty memory. You, Mary Jo Adams, you broke my heart. You took from me everything that I had to give and you threw it into my face, you.” He was growling at her, the threat of really losing his temper washing over him.

“Tommy, hold it down, man. What the hell’s going on in here?”

Tommy and Janice’s eyes both shifted toward Neal, the man who’d come to interrupt their fight. Both knew it must have gotten pretty loud to bring him from the counter and the customers.

“You okay, Ms. Lace?” Neal asked.

“I’m okay.” Janice attempted a smile but lost. “Thanks, Neal, I’m okay and call me Janice.”

“Her name’s Mary Jo,” Tommy blurted, his eyes blazing as he looked toward Neal, then glared at Janice.

“Keep it down, man,” Neal said to Tommy and closed the door.

“I didn’t come here to fight with you, Tommy. I came to help.”

“You came because I challenged you on national television and you didn’t know how to get out of it.”

“I came because I wanted to help with the bookstores. I mean, if Simon can help with a million dollars, I thought I could help.”

“I didn’t take his money.”

Janice stared at him. “What are you talking about?”

“The check, I ripped it up.”

“Does Simon know that?”

“Does Simon know that?” Tommy mimicked, anger in his voice making him tremble, making her move back.

Janice swallowed down the lump. “He didn’t tell me. I wonder why.”

She stared as Tommy shook his head. “Why should he? You have your head buried so far up his butt that you wouldn’t know or care. He tells you to jump and you ask how high. When did you turn into such a…I don’t know what the hell you are.”

“I’m not what you think. That’s what I was with you. That’s not what I am with Simon.”

“What are you with Simon Kohl? I know you’re not hot or loving. What are you with him? You wouldn’t even allow the man to kiss you in public. I know you can’t possibly make him wet with wanting you. You’re a cold fish around him.”

“You have no idea how I am when I’m in bed with him.”

“I’d be willing to bet you’re a cold fish, a hooker playing a part.”

The color flooded her face and her mouth hung open. She stared at Tommy, not being able to find an answer. She sat down and began to go through the market research as though nothing had happened.

“I didn’t mean that,” he said as he stood rooted in his spot. “I didn’t mean that,” he said again and came and knelt by her chair. “Really, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. I didn’t mean it.”

Janice closed her eyes and for the second time in one day she chocked back tears.

“You know, Tommy, I haven’t cried in a dozen years. I know we need to talk about our past, although I’m not sure why. We both seem to have different recollections of it. You’ve apparently been hating me for a decade and I’ve been hating you.”

She glanced up at him. “But I don’t think this is the time or the place to rehash. I came to work. If you care anything at all about trying to save the bookstores, then forget our personal history and let’s get to work.”

She ignored him still kneeling at her side, ignored the pain he could still produce in her, and pretended that he wasn’t there. What was more pretending? She’d been doing it for years.

“I’m sorry for attacking you,” Tommy repeated for the third time, still kneeling at her side, and he meant it. “I thought I could handle being around you and not lashing out at you. I didn’t mean to kiss you either but I guess I’ve known that I would from the first time you agreed to help me. I don’t know if I wanted to reclaim something I lost, or make you remember. But you seemed so different to me that day at the banquet, so cold and stiff and artificial.”

“Is this still an apology?”

He smiled. “You’re right. I’m not very good at this. I always wondered how I would behave if our paths crossed. Now I know.” He smiled again and got up, holding his hand out to her, “Can we be friends?”

“I’d like that, Tommy,” Janice answered, taking his offered hand.

“When this is over I think we need to talk. Are you agreeable?”

“Yeah, I’m agreeable. We have unfinished business between us but I hope when we talk we can do it without the anger. I never liked fighting with you, you always won.” Then she smiled.

“Maybe that’s why I spend so much time fighting with Simon.” She tilted her head to the right. “The two of you are so different. He doesn’t really care about winning the argument. I think he just fights with me because I want to.”

“That’s strange,” Tommy said, peering at her. “You enjoy fighting with the man you’re going to marry? I don’t understand that.”

“Tommy, we’ll save analyzing me for another time, okay?” She took a look around the room, wondering herself why she fought so much with Simon. She knew in part it was her desire to keep him at a distance, only he was now attempting to break down all of her barriers. She knew he wanted her raw, but she couldn’t allow that. Sitting there talking to Tommy, knowing that he’d always held the power to hurt her, that he still could, gave her clarity.

Janice was beginning to figure it out. She didn’t want to give Simon the kind of power over her that Tommy had always had. And now more than ever she knew she’d been right not to want that.

“Wouldn’t money to publicize the plight of the bookstores help, Tommy?” she asked, steering the conversation back into safer waters.

“Of course it would.”

“Then why on earth would you tear up the check? Why didn’t you use it to help?”

“Because he was trying to buy me.”

“How was he trying to buy you?”

“He wanted to make sure with that money that I didn’t touch you. Don’t you understand that?”

“Tommy, that makes no sense. I hadn’t seen you in a decade.”

“I didn’t say that it made sense. I said I knew what he was doing. A man in love doesn’t necessarily make sense. He sometimes does the wrong thing, the total opposite of what he should do. Sometimes it’s the fear that gets to him.”