Love, But Never (26 page)

“If I meant ANYTHING to you, how could you sleep with Aaron two days after we decided to be ‘just friends’ again?” John stalked toward her, anger glinting in his blue eyes.

“I was hurt!  I didn’t want to be ‘just friends’ with you.  And then you wanted to spend all this time together again, but not ‘together’…I was feeling out of control and sleeping with Aaron always makes me feel like I’m in control,” Marissa tried explain.  Then, exasperated, she lost control of her words, “It was just SEX!  That’s it!  Sex doesn’t equal love to me.  Hell, it doesn’t even have to equal
like
.  It’s a means to a fucking end.” Marissa waved her hands to emphasize her point.

“I see.  You know that’s not what it means to me.”

“I know.  It means something to me when it’s with you,” she told herself more than she was trying to explain it to John.

“How am I supposed to believe that?”

“I don’t know, but you’ve known me long enough to know when I’m telling you the truth!” Marissa fumed.  “Or you
should
!” She felt her blue eyes turn red.  She was done explaining herself, either he believed her, or he didn’t.

“I was testing you,” John blurted out, running a hand through his short brown waves.

“What the
FUCK
, John!?” Marissa felt like he’d knocked the wind out of her.  “First, you act like you want to be with me, then you push me away, and now you are telling me that you pushed me away as a test?! That’s seriously fucked up.”

“The feelings that I felt for you after we started getting more serious scared me.  I wanted to see if you were ready to be serious, too, if I could trust you with my feelings.  Obviously, I can’t,” he shrugged, not quite looking her in the eye.

“How can you
NOT
trust me?  Did I fuck him while we were together?  Hell, were we even
really
together? We’ve done this dance so many times in the past, before I got back together with Matthew, before you got back with Ellen, after she crushed you, and now.  How was I to know this time was different?” she grabbed his shoulders and looked him deep in the eye, trying to see if he was being honest.

“I felt like we were…” he trailed off, looking away but not stepping out of her grip.  “Do you feel something for him?  Lucian told me how he looks at you when you go to his concerts.  He says there is an energy in the air between you.”

Marissa gasped and released his shoulders.  Stepping back from him, she put her fingernail to her mouth to think.  Why was she thinking? 
‘This should be automatic!  Do I have feelings for Aaron besides lust? NO!’
She tried to swallow down the lump in her throat and her heart pounded in her ears. Out of nowhere, she stopped breathing and she fought the urge to look at him, wide eyed.
‘Shit.’

“How would Lucian even know that?  Yes, he’s come to their shows with me, but Aaron avoids me whenever I’m with a guy.  He says he’s afraid I might be with my boyfriend and he doesn’t want to get his ass kicked.” She finally answered, more flustered than before.

“That’s not quite what I asked, is it? And why is he afraid of that?  If you have a new boyfriend, they shouldn’t care about the past.  Or is he more afraid that your boyfriend can tell what he’s thinking when he looks at you?” John asked, pointedly.

Stunned, Marissa took another step back, no longer sure of her feelings.  She shook her head again, trying to clear her thoughts.

“I—that is—I—” she stammered, not sure what she could say at this point.

“That’s what I thought,” John said, resigned and sad. “I’ll talk to you tomorrow.” He walked back to his car with his hands in his pockets, his head down in thought.

Marissa didn’t move.  She swallowed the giant lump in her throat and turned toward her truck to make the drive home.  This was not how she imagined tonight going, and now she didn’t know what she felt anymore.

I never expected to have to make this decision. I never thought Aaron would turn my life upside-down like this. What is it about him that turns me into a pile of girly goo? That’s not me. And I lie! To everyone around me. I lied to Matthew, John, Tony, even Lucian! And I NEVER lie to Lucian. Most importantly, I’m lying to myself. For some reason, I don’t lie to Aaron. I’m always honest about wanting to feel his lips on mine and his hands on my body,
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and I don’t feel any closer to understanding this than I did the first time I laid eyes on him. What can I do to figure this out? Seriously, cause I’m completely lost here.

~03/13/02

              Marissa signed the date on her journal and took a deep breath.  She read her words one more time before closing the book and heading for the door.  She wondered if seeing Aaron tonight at the club would give her some clarity, because talking to John last night sure hadn’t done that!  She sighed and grabbed her long gray sweater and her keys, hoping that she’d come home tonight with more answers than questions. 

              “Hey, lady!” Liv greeted her as she entered the club.  “Were you on the list?”

              “Yeah, weren’t you?” Marissa asked, looking puzzled that Liv would ask the question when she’d been the one to email Aaron everyone’s name.

              “Yeah, it was pretty cool,” she said, looking down at her cell phone with a puzzled look on her face.  “I have to get this, be right back!” she finished as she scurried around the corner to take her call.

              Inspired, Marissa pulled out her phone to see if Lucian was going to make it tonight, but only got his voicemail, which she hoped meant he was on his way.  As she ended the call, she found herself face to face with Aaron.  “Hey,” she said in surprise.

              “Hey, talking to your boyfriend?” Aaron asked with a slight smirk.  Marissa’s gaze quickly combed over his basic black t-shirt and black cargo shorts.

              “No, don’t have one of those, boys are lame,” she answered in a matter-of-fact way.

              “Fuck you!” he laughed.

              Marissa’s mouth popped open to send a retort back, but couldn’t find one before he lifted his hand to stop her and leaned in close to her ear.  “I was offering,” his breath made the hairs on the back of her neck stand at attention.  He pulled back to look into her eyes before moving to rejoin his other band mates.  Marissa was left to stare after him in disbelief at his boldness.

              “I need a girl session in the bathroom,” Liv said, looking angry, and turning toward the hall beside the stage leading to the ladies room.

              “Okay!” Marissa called after her, as she rushed to find out the issue that had apparently just arisen.

              “Why the fuck do I even bother?” Liv asked, throwing her purse into the small black couch in the ladies room, before hurling herself onto the seat beside it.

              “You okay, Liv?” Marissa asked, hopping onto the counter next to the couch, between two sinks, before making sure her bra wasn’t hanging out again by looking into the full length mirror across from her.

              “Yeah, it’s just the guy I’m seeing,” she said, looking down at the black and white floor tiles.  “He-, he just won’t let her GO!  And it’s not that he even wants to be with her, I don’t think!  I think it’s more about winning!”

              “That sucks, Liv.  You deserve better than a dude hung up on his ex.”

              “She’s right, and I don’t even know you,” a voice said from the entryway from the stalls.  She walked to one of the sinks to wash her hands.  “The dude sounds like a douche,” she continued, drying her hands and pushing a piece of her pink highlighted blond bob behind her ear.  After hopping onto the counter beside Marissa, she continued, “I’m Dara, by the way.”

              “I’m Marissa, and that’s Liv,” Marissa introduced.

              “Glad to meet you.  Liv, you look like you could use a cigarette, am I right?” Dara pulled out a pack and offered Liv a cigarette.

              “Like you wouldn’t believe!” Liv snatched the proffered cigarette and moved toward the light Dara extended.  “Thank you!” she exclaimed as she exhaled her first drag.  “I really needed this.”

              “I figured,” Dara said, waving at two girls entering the ladies room.  “Hey Laura, hey Tiffany! I haven’t seen you guys in forever!”  The girls walked to Dara and gave her a hug before retreating to stand on either side of the full length mirror.  Marissa couldn’t help but notice that both girls had hair similar to hers, both in shade and length, as well as blue eyes.  “This is Marissa and Liv,” Dara introduced.  “I just met them, but Marissa and I are trying to convince Liv that the guy she’s seeing isn’t worth the trouble.”

              “They never are,” Laura said, turning toward Liv.  “My last boyfriend broke up with me out of the blue about two weeks ago for no reason.  Just called me up at noon on a Saturday and said ‘It’s over.’ No explanation, nothing!”

              “That sucks, Laura,” Marissa said.  “Being blindsided always sucks.  My last boyfriend did something similar, but then he showed up at my work that night with a full steak dinner.  It was so confusing!”

              “Ris, the music stopped, we should head out there,” Liv said, suddenly changing the subject.

              “Little Thoughts is up next,” Dara rattled off.

              “Oh, then I guess we can still hang out,” Liv slumped back against the sofa and took another drag off her cigarette.

              “Who are you hear to see?” Tiffany asked.

              “Regret Lingers,” Liv answered, pulling her heeled feet onto the couch beside her.

              “Who do you know?” Tiffany’s eyes moved appraisingly over Marissa.  “Don’t say the A word!”

              Marissa and Liv blushed.  “Yeah, we know Aaron and Kyle.”

              “That’s who I was talking about!  Aaron was the boyfriend that dumped me out of the blue!” Laura said, as Marissa tried hard to hide her shocked face as she did the math in her head.

              “I dated him, too!  We hadn’t even been together a month when suddenly, it was over!  That was at the end of last August,” Tiffany said.  “Just be warned.”

              Liv’s eyes got round as she, obviously, was doing the math, too.

“Oh, we aren’t interested in him like that,” Liv said.  “We’re just friends.  He and Marissa are closer; they’ve known each other for, what, three years now?”

              “Something like that,” Marissa said, distractedly, looking down at her phone.  “Hey Liv, I just got a message from Lucian.  The rest of the guys are here.  We should probably go find them.”

              “That’s probably a good idea,” Liv agreed, getting up from the couch.  “Thanks for the cigarette and the pep talk.  It helped so much.” Liv said to Dara before linking her arm with Marissa and walking out of the bathroom.  As soon as the door closed behind them, the girls dissolved into giggles.  “Holy shit!  Aaron broke up with both of them to sleep with you!  How does that feel?”

              “Really fucking weird!  Did you notice they kind of looked like me?”  Marissa asked, looking over her shoulder to make sure the ladies hadn’t followed them out.

              “TOTALLY!  Have any of his other girlfriends looked like you?”

              “The only one I knew about, Willa, didn’t look like me at all!  It’s so weird!”

              “Nope, just means that he’s trying to find someone similar to you when you aren’t available, but apparently, nothing compares to the original,” Liv said, with a slight edge in her voice as she indicated Marissa.

              “I don’t understand, but I’m flattered, I guess.  I didn’t know he even thought of me like
that.
  I thought it was just Earth-shattering sex,” Marissa shrugged as they walked to locate the rest of their group.

              As Little Thoughts finished their set, Marissa found herself standing, alone, in the middle of the converted dance floor, looking for her friends.  She glanced down and noticed her gray cardigan had shifted and she could see her bra strap peeking out.  She adjusted the strap of her black shirt; it was sleeveless and had a heart shaped collar that dipped deep into her cleavage.  Her sweater was long, flowing and reached her knees.  She smoothed out her black silk pants when she felt the air around her change.  She felt his eyes on her, stalking her, until she felt his chest against her back.  Her heart felt like it was going to pound out of her chest.

              “I want you,” he whispered, his hot breath against her neck.  She felt a shot of electricity cascade down her spine, as the words she and Liv spoke earlier seemed to be coming true.  He couldn’t resist
her
,
she
was the original…

              “Want to go have some fun before my set? I don’t know if I can get you back into the club afterwards though,” he frowned. “This is the first time we’re playing at this club and I’m not sure of their in and out policy.  At the Amazon, it would be all good, but…”