Love, But Never (24 page)

              “I told you I did something drastic, doll.  I need a change, badly.  I’m sick of rushing off to play Captain Save-a-ho.”

              “Why’d you decide this?”

              “Sara called me the night before she got married, wanted me to fight or something, I don’t know.  Something inside me broke.  I can’t do this anymore…” Lucian sounded so far away and forlorn.

              “When do you leave?”  Marissa asked, resigned that her friend was leaving for parts unknown.

              “End of March.”

              “So a month?  Seriously?!  Before or after my and Susan’s trip to Texas?”

              “You and Susan are going to Texas? When?”

              “Weekend of the sixteenth.  We need a change, too.” Marissa chuckled.

              “Why?” Lucian’s tone was more accusatory.

              “Two fold, heard Austin knows how to throw down on St. Patty’s--”

              “Ris, you are only twenty.”

              Marissa sighed.  “And a Regret Lingers show.”

              “John know?” Lucian asked.

              “Of course!  He’s planning to come along; after all, he’s twenty-two!” Marissa laughed. “I got an employee rate through work.  It was all set up last Friday, before Chad’s party.  I’m thinking John just wants to meet Aaron, let him know I’m off the market or something…”

              “Sounds fun!  Not awkward or full of drama at all!” she thought she felt the sarcasm dripping from her phone.  “Anyway, I’m not leaving til the twenty-ninth…”

              “You want to go, too?” she offered.

              “I would, I mean, you know how much I love a good fireworks display and all, but I’m going to need to spend most of my time next month with the family.”

              “Fine, then, what about a going away party on the twenty-third or twenty-fourth?”

              “Sounds like a plan.  Let’s do the twenty-third.”

              “Luc?”

              “Yeah, Ris?”

              “I miss you already.”

              “You have John now, you’ll be okay,” he said.

              “John can’t replace you though,” Marissa said, sullenly.

              “Of course not!  I’m one of a kind awesome.” She heard him laugh again.  “I’m done with my break though.  Talk to you later?”

              “Yeah, I guess.”

              “Don’t worry, doll.  It’ll be fine.”

* *

              “What’s going on tonight?  Am I coming over again?” Marissa asked into her phone as she grabbed her keys a week later. “I’m on my way to work right now, but I’m actually getting off a little early tonight.”

              “Nah, Ris, I really love spending time with you, but I’m not sure this whole boyfriend/girlfriend thing is working out,” John said.

              “Oookay?  Why do you say that?” Marissa froze, wondering what had changed in the last week to prompt the apparent break up.  The control over her life she’d been feeling for the last month started to slip away from her, even quicker than it had arrived.

              “I like being with you, but I miss being your friend,” he answered.

              “Okay, I understand that.  I miss that, too…,” Marissa started, “but can you keep your hands off me?” Marissa unlocked her truck and slid behind the steering wheel, trying to focus on bringing herself back from the brink…of what, she didn’t know, except that it could only lead to trouble.

              “I don’t know, but I’d like to try, if that’s okay with you?” John asked, more pleading than she’d ever heard from him.

              “And Texas?” Marissa asked.

              “I’m not going with you.  I have to work.  Can you afford the room without me?”

              “It’s only forty bucks; I think Susan and I can handle it.”  Honestly, a rush of excitement shot through her at the possibility of being in Texas, with Aaron, unattached.  However, the next second brought back the fear that always accompanied her thoughts of Aaron.  Her safety net was gone.

              “Good, cause this’ll go much easier if we aren’t in a hotel room together two weeks from now.”

              “We’ll see.  I give you a month,” she snorted, putting her car in gear. “I’m driving now, so I’m going to let you go.” She wanted to leave this despairing conversation behind her for the time being.

              “Challenge accepted,” he chuckled before hanging up.

              Marissa felt like her heart had plummeted to her feet. 
‘If I can’t make it work with John, what chance to do I have to make it work with someone I’m not nearly as close to?’
she asked herself. 
‘Don’t think like that!  You are starting to buy into everything your dad says about you.  You are better than that!’
  She went back and forth until her truck pulled up outside the hotel. 

Two hours into her shift, she was just starting to emerge from her funk when she heard the lobby door chime.  Walking from the back room, she saw John standing at the desk.

              “What are you doing here?” she asked, stopping in her tracks.

              “Hungry?” he smiled, his blue eyes sparkling.

              “Not really, I was just dumped today,” she said, flatly.

              “The guy must’ve had a good reason.  It was probably bull shit he needs to work through,” he laughed.

              “No doubt.”

              “I brought you dinner, Ris, come on,” he pleaded.

              “Fine.  I’ll meet you in the breakfast bar area, but you know I still have to work during my dinner,” she gave in.

              “I know.”

              Marissa walked through the back office and into the breakfast bar area to find John dishing onto two plates: sirloin, baked potatoes, salads, and garlic toast.  She smiled at how thoughtful he could be.

              “Wow, you went all out.  I don’t see the take out containers though,” she laughed.

              “I cooked this,” he looked at her, wounded.

              “Well, thank you,” she smiled.  Marissa pulled up her chair and started to eat her dinner.  They ate their meal in relative silence, Marissa occasionally running back to the desk to answer the phone or to check in a customer.

              “More hungry than you thought?” John asked, eyeing her nearly empty plate, as he put his napkin on his cleaned plate.

              “I guess so, or it was just too good to stop eating,” she answered, passing him her leftovers.  “Thank you, I needed that.”

              “You’re welcome,” John started, then suddenly grabbing her hand from across the table and looking into her eyes, “Want to come over after work?” he asked.

              “John, what the hell?”

              “What?” he asked with a fake naivety.

              “Why?  You just said no to me earlier.  What changed?”  Marissa studied his eyes as he responded.

              “I don’t know, it all seems easier now that we don’t have a label on it,” John sighed.

              “Sure, I’ll come over after work,” she growled. 
‘Maybe it was easier for me when we did have a label on it.  Wasn’t so confusing…and easier to stay away from other people…”

              “What’s wrong?” John asked.

              “Nothing, I just hate being in limbo,” she turned toward the door to the back office.  “I have to get back to work.  Thank you for dinner and I’ll be over after work.”  He grabbed her arm and spun her around to look at him again.

              “I know, but I just need to figure a few things out.  But I’d really like you to sleep over tonight like old time, no sex, I promise,” John pleaded.

              “I already said fine, John,” she sighed, breaking his hold on her arm and walking back to the desk.

              “Okay,” he said, walking through the door to his car.

CHAPTER 18

February 2002

So, right after making things ‘unofficial’ with John, all he wants to do is hang out with me again. We spent nearly all day together yesterday and he asked me to sleep over. I think we both lost our bet, but we’ve kept things, mostly, platonic. It bothers me that he keeps running hot and cold with me. I feel like he doesn’t know what he wants from me, but he wants to keep me on the hook. I’m feeling out of control and I don’t know how to get things back to where I feel comfortable.

~2/23/02

**

              Marissa got home from John’s relatively early two mornings later.  She was disheartened by the change in their relationship. John kept his promise in terms of not wanting sex, but he was still interested in making out and things that were decidedly beyond the realm of simple friendship.  Marissa was disgusted at herself for wanting to prolong that connection with him.  She wondered why, after six months, she still had feelings for him, but she wasn’t in love with him.  She questioned why it was still so important to her that they be together and why she suddenly felt so lost.

Marissa booted up her laptop when she returned home and started to type up an email to one of her professors about an upcoming assignment. Suddenly, a familiar name popped up on her contact list as online.  She took a deep breath, knowing what sending him a message would invite, but most of her didn’t care anymore.  Things with John were complicated, but no longer exclusive, now she was nothing.  She pulled open a messenger window and started to type.

MMasterson:
How’s it going?

Marissa went back to her email when she finally heard the returning ping and her heart seemed to leap into her throat.

AAndrews:
Alright, you?

MMasterson:
Been better…

AAndrews:
What happened?

              ‘
Does he really care?’
Marissa wondered as she typed her response.

MMasterson:
John and I are back to our weird quasi-relationship

AAndrews:
You broke up?

MMasterson:
You could say that…

AAndrews:
  What would you call it?

MMasterson:
  A break up, but then he brought me dinner and asked me to stay over last night.

AAndrews:
  Weird, did you guys…?

‘Is this twenty questions?’
Marissa laughed at the inquisition.

MMasterson:
  No, no sex…

AAndrews:
  Does that mean our cold war is over?

              Marissa was puzzled by his question.  She had no idea she was treating him any differently than she ever had, except they weren’t sleeping together.

MMasterson:
  I didn’t realize we were in a cold war?

AAndrews:
  You barely talk to me when you come to shows, I hardly ever see you here anymore, and don’t even get me started on the phone tag we play!

             
‘Oh,’
she thought, determining that he made a great point.  She knew that she was trying not to spend one on one time with him, but she didn’t realize she’d been slowly cutting him out of her life.  Was her addiction too great to be able to handle spending
any
time with him?

MMasterson:
You kind of sound like a chick right now.

AAndrews:
  It’s like you can sense the exact moment you are guaranteed to get my voicemail.

AAndrews:
  Not a chick, you know that better than anyone.

              Marissa blushed at the response.

MMasterson:
The voicemail thing is a curse I have, it’s not just you!

AAndrews:
So you are admitting to the rest?

             
‘Yes,’
Marissa thought,
‘but not to you!’

MMasterson:
No, I’m in my last semester of school before graduation, I’ve been busy.

AAndrews:
And at the shows?

             
‘Man, he’s like a dog with a bone!  I have to give him…something.’

MMasterson:
  I’ll concede to being less attentive at shows.

AAndrews:
Are you going to let me help you forget all about what’s his face?

             
‘Oh, God, yes!’
Marissa whimpered.  She started to feel herself get wet just at the prospect of seeing Aaron again. 

MMasterson:
  That sounds great.

             
‘What is wrong with me?  I’m supposed to stay away from Aaron…aren’t I?’

AAndrews:
Tonight?

             
‘What the fuck?  He doesn’t waste time, does he?’

MMasterson:
  Tonight?  Really?  It’s barely been 48 hours.  Shouldn’t I let the relationship get cold first?

AAndrews:
Do you want to wait and let it “get cold”?

AAndrews:
Or do you want to be with me tonight?

             
‘I should say no, what if John wants to get back together.  It’s just physical with Aaron…he can help me get my control back…’
Marissa wrestled with her conscience.

AAndrews:
  Marissa?

MMasteron:
…You.

AAndrews:
  Great.  I’ll call you later?

MMasterson:
Absolutely.

              Marissa powered down her laptop and walked to the living room.

              “What’s got you grinning so wickedly?” Susan asked.  Marissa frowned slightly at the question.

              “What’s the proper grieving period for my relationship with John?” Marissa flopped onto the couch across from her.