Living Again (41 page)

“No,” she scrambled up, crossing the room quickly. “I-I can’t, Ben. I can’t.” She wrapped her arms around herself. “I love you. But I can’t. I don’t think I’ve ever loved anyone more than you. But I also haven’t been destroyed by anyone intentionally, either. I-I need time. Please respect that. I need you to go.”

Ben’s mouth dropped open. No. She wasn’t going to take him back. This wasn’t happening. He wasn’t going to go home tonight and make love to her and see Alexis. She wasn’t going to let him. He ruined everything. He stood up and crossed the room purposefully. She looked at him warily, as if he was going to attack her. He pulled her to him, even though she resisted. He had to have her in his arms. Breathing her in, he held her tightly against him. He felt her shivering and breathing erratically. Her heart was pounding, just like his. He knew she didn’t really want to do this. He knew it. If he walked out that door, the likelihood was, he’d never see her again. He couldn’t do that.

“What can I do, Kayley?” he asked, resting his chin on her head. “I’ll do
anything
. Just name it. I miss our daughter, I miss us. I want to lay with you all night in my arms. I want to kiss you and make love to you and…”

“Stop,” Kayley cried, burying her face in his chest. “I can’t take it. Please stop.”

He closed his eyes, his brain spinning. What in the world could he do? His words weren’t enough. His actions were squat. He remembered her reaction to the song he played the night they first made love, and he knew what to do. Reaching into his back pocket, he pulled out his phone. Scrolling through his thousands of songs, he knew what he was looking for to tell her how he was feeling. She realized what he was doing, and she prayed that she didn’t lose it completely.

“Ben,” she warned.

“Please, just let me,” he begged, finding the song. As the opening chords began, she didn’t recognize it. “Can we dance?” The look on his face was so broken, she couldn’t say no. He began rocking back and forth with her, his hands smoothing her hair, his lips touching the top of her head. She settled against his chest, allowing herself to relish this moment with him.
I Won’t Give Up,
by Jason Mraz came across the speaker, and she knew. He would never give up without trying every single trick he could think of. Knowing how much the first song had affected her, he played one even more heartbreaking and perfect for their situation.

As the words caressed them, Ben hoped that he could get through to her. He knew Rachel and Emily would be back at any moment, and once the moment was broken he was afraid he would never get it back. As he rocked back and forth with the woman who he loved but was so close to losing, he felt her crying against his chest. He knew that she was at war with herself; he just had to be the one to raise the victory flag.

The song ended, and Kayley forced herself back from him. “Can I play another one?” Ben asked. She shook her head, stepping away from him.

“It’s late, Ben. I need to think. You need to go.”

Ben sighed. “Can we talk tomorrow?” He felt like he needed to pin her down to a time so she couldn’t put him off.

“I don’t know,” she admitted honestly. “I need some time. Thank you for coming. I at least feel at peace about Zoey.”

His heart palpitated painfully. He felt like he could rip out his heart and leave it with her and it would be less painful than this.

Kayley watched him walk to the front door of the beach house. The look that he gave her before he went through the door tore her heart from her body, shredded it in a blender, and then laid it at her feet. Telling him to go instead of making love to him right here was one of the hardest things she had ever had to say, but she knew that she had to think everything through before she could make the best decision for her and Alexis.

“I will love you forever,” Ben whispered, smiling sadly at her.

“Me too,” Kayley echoed. With that, Ben walked down the stairs, to his car, and was gone.

Ben tossed and turned in his bed, finally giving up on any sleep. He couldn’t get the haunting look on Kayley’s face when she turned him down out of his memory. It was branded there like a marking on cattle. What if she never forgave him? What the hell had he done?

Flinging the covers back, he stood up and paced his bedroom, walking from one side to another and back again. Looking at the clock, he saw that it was 3am. Would she be awake? Was she thinking that she made a mistake, or was she really and truly not going to take him back?

He didn’t think he could survive not being with her. He had allowed his insecurities to screw up the only thing in his life that really ever meant anything. Closing his eyes, he tried to envision her when she was happy, her bright emerald eyes twinkling mischievously at him. He pretended he could feel her blonde hair as his fingers ran through it while he kissed her soft, luscious lips.

“
SHIT!
” Ben picked up a pair of socks that were laying on his dresser and hurtled them across the room. That didn’t make him feel any better. He wanted to call her. He wanted to jump in his damn car and speed to her house and make her believe that he was an absolute asinine fool and he would never be so stupid again. How had he hurt her so badly? How could he have ever treated her the way he did?

It scared him, how angry he had been and how much he had shut her out without even listening to her. Seeing Zoey in New York had actually healed a part in him, but was it now too late? Maybe he didn’t deserve her at all.

Picking up his phone, he stared at the screen, willing a message to come through that she was unable to sleep, that she needed him, she wanted him, and most importantly, that she forgave him for being a Class A Asshole. Nothing was there. His finger hovered over her name, wanting so badly to text her. Hell, he wanted to go throw himself at her feet and beg. But she said she needed time. Closing his text screen, he opened his photos and started scrolling through all of the pictures he had of her. Feeling ridiculous but unable to stop himself, he pressed his lips to the screen, wishing he could feel her warmth instead of the glass of his screen. He thought he was dead after Zoey; this was nowhere near the same pain. He felt like he could get run over by a Mack truck and it would hurt less.

With too much pain in chest, he closed the picture app and opened his music app. He had countless playlists made within his collection, and most of them had to do with Kayley. Selecting one, he forced himself to lay down and try to close his eyes while listening to the many heart-wrenching songs he had picked out for her about how in love he was with her. What if all he had left of her were songs that he could listen to and memories that were associated with them? He refused to believe that that was possible. It couldn’t be. He would die trying to redeem himself with her.

As he lay there, the middle of the night turned to dawn, and light started filtering through his blinds. He was never so relieved to see the light of day in his life. After listening to her playlists for hours, and thinking about the many idiotic things he did and said that pushed them apart, he knew that he had to find a way for her to forgive him. There was an ache in his chest that felt like a vice was squeezing it; it was the emptiness of being without her.

Making his way to his home office, he booted up his laptop and went to his first line of defense: flowers. Clicking to his favorite online flower shop, he ordered her the most beautiful arrangement of flowers that they had. Paying extra to make sure they were delivered today at her office before 5, he allowed a small smile to play on his lips. He wouldn’t give up. He had to get through.

Kayley-

I know that these flowers can never make up for what I did. If you allow me, I will spend the rest of our lives making up for what happened. There was no excuse for my behavior. I love you, baby. I can’t live without you. Please forgive me. I love you forever,

Ben

Ben grimaced, knowing that he was putting his very personal feelings over this website and that whoever read it would know he did something ridiculously stupid. Pushing that aside, he entered his credit card information and placed the order. Sitting back in his chair, he felt his heart stutter to life at the possibility that he could get through to her. Maybe by tonight, he could be holding her in his arms again, making it up to her in every single way possible.

Blowing his breath out slowly, trying to release the tension that had overtaken him in the last twelve hours, he headed for the shower. Hearing his phone ding, he practically sprinted to his bedroom, kicking his nightstand in the process.

Biting his lip to keep from screaming, he hopped on one foot as he grabbed his phone. His toe was throbbing.
Serves you right
, he thought to himself. Ben almost prayed before he looked at the screen, so hopeful that it might be Kayley he found himself holding his breath in anticipation. Grunting in disappointment, he saw that it was Cam, asking him if he wanted to meet this morning at the gym. Cam had no idea what had happened, what an idiot he had been, and he couldn’t get into it now. Texting him back quickly and declining, he switched screens and typed in Kayley’s name before he could even stop himself. It was as if his fingers had a mind of their own. His heart thumped, knowing that it wasn’t a good idea, but he refused to stop himself now.
Baby, I love you. I can’t stop thinking about you. Please forgive me. I can never tell you how sorry I am
.

He exited the program and carried the phone to the shower, wishing upon every star that she would text him back.

Kayley sat outside on the porch to the beach house, staring into the mug of coffee she had been nursing for so long it was now cold. She was wrapped up in a sweatshirt with a quilt around her. It was a chilly morning, but she felt like she had to be out here, listening to the waves crash and the seagulls soar above her. Closing her eyes, she thought back to last night, after Ben left and Emily and Rachel returned.

“Kay? You here?” Emily called, opening the front door. Kayley looked up from the couch, where she was huddled in a ball after sending Ben packing a few minutes before. She still couldn’t believe she had done it—she had pushed him away and told him no. What if they were really over? What if she could never get past how he had treated her, even if she did understand why? Was that reason enough?

Seeing her, Emily and Rachel rushed to the couch and crouched down next to her. “Where is he? What happened?” Rachel’s concerned eyes traveled Kayley’s body, then the room.

“I-I sent him home,” Kayley barely whispered. She had no energy left to talk. All she wanted to do was go to sleep for a long time so she could forget that this whole thing ever happened.

“He didn’t really cheat on you, did he?” Rachel’s eyes were soft, but there was fire behind them, ready to defend Kayley.

She shook her head. “No. It wasn’t what it seemed.”

Emily smoothed back her hair. “So, did you guys talk? Is everything okay?”

Kayley closed her eyes, fighting off the next wave of emotion that threatened to overtake her. “I can’t do this right now,” she started, breathing in erratically. “I told him I can’t be with him right now. I don’t know what to do. He said all the right things, but I can’t forget how he treated me at his house that night. I’ve never seen that side of him before, and I don’t know if I can live with it.”

Rachel sat in front of the couch and crossed her legs. “Kay,” she said. “I know that I purposely haven’t told you a lot about my past, because it embarrasses me. And someday, I will tell it all. But, sometimes things happen to people, and they overreact. They hurt each other. It’s what you do after that, how you handle it, whether you move on or you don’t, that can change the course of your life. Believe me when I say, I hate that Ben did that to you, I do. But I also know the lengths that man would go to protect you and how much he loves you. That doesn’t come along all the time.”

Kayley blinked at Rachel. She had never told her this much information about her past, ever. It seemed that Rachel had lived through some past relationship pain. And here she thought she was just a player. “I love him,” she whispered to her two best friends. “But I am not sure I can move on from this. This- drama, this feeling inside me—it’s almost worse than losing Alex, because he chose to do this to me. He hurt me.”