Living Again (40 page)

There are moments in life where you realize all of the decisions you’ve made have come down to one moment. That one moment can change everything, one way or another, forever. A fork in the road, an east-west decision to be made. That’s exactly how Ben felt at this very moment, knowing that whatever happened here tonight was going to be the deciding factor in where his life went. He was either going to be deliriously happy forever with the love of his life, or he was going to spend the rest of his life hating himself for ruining the best thing that ever happened to him.

“Why, Ben?” she whispered, and he looked to see if she was looking at him. She wasn’t; she had no idea he was here. “I didn’t want Cooper. I didn’t. All I wanted was you. Why did you go to her, Ben?”

“I didn’t,” Ben said, stepping out of the shadows and into the light. She gasped, standing up quickly and turning to face him. She looked around wildly, wondering how in the heck he had gotten here and how he knew where she was.

When she laid eyes on Ben, a million different emotions swirled in her at once. Anger, hate, sadness, relief, but most of all, the overwhelming love that she felt for him. He was still the most beautiful man she had ever known, and he was standing in the sand ten feet away from her. Her body wanted her to run to him and throw herself into his arms, while her brain forced her feet to stay rooted to the ground. Wearing jeans and a long sleeved Henley shirt, he made her mouth water even though she had no reason to want to see him right now. His face looked tired, and gaunt, like he hadn’t slept in days. Well, she hadn’t either.

“What are you doing here?” Kayley’s voice was hard and cold. She crossed her arms in front of her, mostly to protect herself but also because she was freezing out here.

Ben fell to his knees in the cold sand, unable to stop himself from begging her. “Kayley,” he started, his voice thick with tears. “God, I’m so sorry, baby. I treated you like absolute shit before I left. I will never, ever forgive myself for that. I know that you didn’t do anything with Cooper. I know. It was my own stupid self that made me think something that I should’ve just let you explain right away. All I could think of was Zoey and what she had done to me. It’s not an excuse. Nothing is. What I did is inexcusable. You aren’t her, I know that. I wasn’t thinking rationally. I didn’t know how to handle what I was thinking or feeling and instead of turning
to
you, I turned against you. I should’ve never left for New York without us discussing what happened. I was completely wrecked the whole time I was gone.”

“Really, Ben?” Kayley spat, taking a step closer to him. “While you were shacking up with Zoey in New York? How was she? Just as good as ever? Get things all patched up? She gonna be your booty call when you go there, or are you moving as soon as you finish this up with me? Guess what
she
did to you doesn’t compare to what
I
did to you, huh?”

Ben sat back on his heels, aghast at the venom in her voice. “Please, Kay,” he pleaded. “It’s not like that. I know exactly how all of that happened. If you will just let me explain-”

“Let
you EXPLAIN?
” Kayley screamed. “Why in the
hell
would I let you explain?” She looked at her wrist, tapping it like a watch was there. “Should I tell you that you have five minutes, Ben? Should I tell you to GET OUT NOW? Leave me the hell alone? That I can’t
do this?
”

He shuddered at the anger in her voice. “I deserve that,” he said quietly, standing up. He took a step towards her and she took two steps back.

“Don’t. Touch. Me,” she repeated his words from last week. She had never felt more torn between what she felt she needed to do and what she wanted to do. The look on his face was enough to say that he had paid enough. But she forced that from her mind as she remembered what he had allowed her to go through over the past five days. “I called you, Ben. I begged you. I left you message after message. I came to you, and you-you treated me worse than a stray dog on the street!”

Ben looked to the back of the house, noticing both Emily and Rachel standing at the sliding doors, watching them. Kayley followed his gaze.

“She brought you here?” Ben’s eyes swung back to hers, and he nodded. “What in the hell did you tell her that convinced her to bring you here?” She knew that if Emily had brought him here, it was because she thoroughly grilled him first.

“The truth,” he said, bravely taking a step towards her again. She eyed him, but didn’t move back. Her body shook with wanting to reach out and touch him. She was at war with herself.

“Did you sleep with Zoey?” Tears filled her eyes, and she blinked them back, trying furiously to stay in control of this situation. If she started bawling again, she would let him get closer, and then it would be all over.

Ben ran his hands through his hair and sighed. “Absolutely not, Kayley. I love you.”

“You didn’t love me five days ago,” she said, unable to stop the hurt from seeping out in her voice.

He took one more step forward, trying to slowly close the distance between them. “I loved you then, and I love you now. Kayley Lynn, I love you and that little girl of yours more than I love
anything
. I was stupid and cowardly and I pushed you away instead of finding out what actually happened. I overreacted. I realized something when I was in New York. When I ran into Zoey, I was pissed. I had no desire to speak to her whatsoever. But you know what? Speaking to her was the only good thing I did this week.”

Kayley looked at him but didn’t speak. She didn’t trust herself to.

He stepped one step closer. He was almost close enough that she could smell him, and she knew that if he got that close, she was going to give in. She took a step back, crossing her arms again. Ben sighed. “We talked about what happened when I caught her with that guy, what was going on with her at the time. I never realized I needed that in order to be able to move on, to understand that it wasn’t my fault. She’s not a happy person, Kay. She’s never been married, has no serious relationships.”

“Did she say she still loved you?” Kayley knew that if she wasn’t married, she must still be holding a torch for Ben.

“She said the words, but I don’t think she really even knows what love is supposed to feel like. I told her about you, though. I also told her how badly I had screwed up. Those pictures you saw? We were talking about you during that time. She was helping me see how colossally I had screwed up, and that I needed to get home to make things right. Not that it matters at this point, but I’m pretty sure Dana took those pictures and sent them to you.”

Kayley’s mouth dropped open. “Dana was there too? My God, what was this, a conference for all Ben’s ex-lovers?”

He chuckled, even though nothing about this was funny. While he was getting all of this out, he might as well be completely honest. “The first night I was there, I went to the hotel bar and had as many drinks as I could stand. Dana showed up. She somehow figured out that something had happened with us, maybe because I bit her head off when she asked about you. Anyway, I think she thought that she was going to use that to try to seduce me. I turned her down, told her that there was no way I was going to be that guy. I guess that made her mad so when she saw Zoey and I together, she figured that was a way of getting back at me. She and Zoey were friends when they worked together at the hospital.”

“Was she in on the pictures?” Kayley’s voice wobbled, and she hated it. He didn’t sleep with Zoey. He didn’t love her. He wasn’t moving to New York. She looked down, feeling tears coming back behind her eyes.

Ben shook his head. “I don’t think so. That’s not her style. She would probably be pretty mad to hear that those pictures were used to try to destroy our relationship.”

Kayley lifted her head to meet his eyes. “Our relationship was destroyed before that, the night you gave me five minutes to talk to you and then kicked me out of your house like I was a piece of trash. You had no respect for me. You didn’t even
care
that I was so sick over this I couldn’t hardly breathe. You stood there looking at me like you didn’t even
know me!
How could you
do that, Ben?
Y-you have spent the last many months trying to reassure me, tell me that you will never hurt me, that I can trust you, that you
love me
! Then, just like that, you turn into this-this person I don’t know! This harsh, mean, unpredictable, uncaring prick!” Kayley shook with the emotion she was feeling, the conflicting, heart-tearing emotion. She wasn’t quite sure she could ever forget the side of Ben she saw that night, even if she greatly wanted to.

Ben deflated, all the progress he thought he was making gone again. “Can we go inside? Or somewhere? It’s freezing out here.”

Kayley looked up where Rachel and Emily still sat, watching her. She knew that if she took him up there, it would be a firing squad. Maybe they would let them be alone, though. “I’ll be right back,” she said, heading for the stairs to the back deck.

Kayley opened the door, and immediately Emily and Rachel were right next to her. “Are you okay? What did he say? Do you believe him?”

Kayley held up her hand, silencing them both. She was shivering from cold and the emotional trauma of trying to hold her body and her head on opposite sides of each other. “I need you both to go. For an hour. Please.”

Emily looked at Rachel, and Rachel looked at Emily. Then they both turned back to her. “Are you sure?” Rachel asked.

Kayley nodded, turning and looking out the door to Ben, still standing on the sand below. Her heart tripped over itself with the love she had for him. She was so mad at him. So furious. But she still loved him, and probably would forever. “Yes. One hour. Unless I call you and say differently. I’ll be fine.”

“Come on,” Emily said to Rachel. “Let’s go get some coffee, give them some time.” She turned to Kayley. “He does love you, Kay.”

“I know,” Kayley said back, hugging her. “I’m just not sure if it’s enough.”

Emily looked at her sadly, then walked out the front door with Rachel. Kayley walked to the back door, pausing with her hand on the handle. Looking down at Ben, her heart constricted. Could she really live the rest of her life without him? After finally getting to the point where she could admit she wanted him, needed him, and loved him, could she let the last five days shape her entire future? She knew she wasn’t blameless in this. She hadn’t been honest with him. Sighing, she opened the door.

“You can come up. They went to get some coffee.” Ben nodded, hopping up the stairs. Once inside, he stood across from Kayley, rubbing his hands together to warm up. She had no idea what she wanted him to say to make this better. They had both pretty much said it all down there on the sand. “Let’s sit down.” She made her way to the small living room and sat on the printed shell fabric of the couch. He sat, too, careful not to sit too close.

Kayley trembled as she looked at her hands, twisted together in her lap. Ben was silent next to her, letting her take the lead. “I never thought we would be here,” she said, her eyes trained on her hands. “I never in a million years thought you would hurt me the way you did. I accept your apology. I do. But I’m not sure I can go back to the way things were, Ben.” She looked up at him, noticing that identical tears shimmered in his eyes as well. “There will never be a day that goes by that I don’t love you. You completely changed my life, our lives, mine and Alexis’. I will never forget that.”

“You sound like you’re saying goodbye,” Ben cried, moving over and taking her hands. “Please, baby. Please. Take all the time you want to think, but please don’t give up on us.” She allowed him to take her hands, relishing in the warmth and solidity of his holding hers, even for just a moment. She closed her eyes, remembering all the times he touched her in love.

“Please.” All of a sudden he was very close to her, and she could feel his warm breath on her face. Her breathing hitched as she held herself back from reaching out, putting her hands on his face, and pulling him to her. He leaned his head over until their foreheads were touching, and they sat there, until she had no idea how much time had passed. “I did care that you were upset. When you left my house that night, I fell apart. I will never be able to apologize enough for the way I spoke and treated you that night. I know that it was never the way someone should treat another person they love. I have no excuse. I love you so much that it caused me to act a little crazy. A lot crazy. I thought that you had done the unthinkable. I know now how ridiculous that was for me to even think. I know I saw him kiss you, but if I could go back in time, I would walk up to the punk, shove him away from you and take my baby girl from your arms and cuddle with her. Then I would introduce myself to him and, only because Alexis was there, would tell him ever so politely to stay the hell away from my family. But I didn’t do that, Kay, and I will have to live with myself for that forever. I was a complete and total ass. I deserve any punishment you could dish out to me. But please, baby, please, don’t leave me. I can’t live without you and Alexis. Please don’t make me.”

She blinked up at him and his eyes met hers. “I will make it my life’s mission to make this up to you. I promise. This will be the one and only time I ever make you feel this way. I can’t promise to never make you mad, or not to get mad at you. But I do promise that I will always respect you, believe you, and love you with every fiber of my being.” He reached out tentatively, touching her face. She closed her eyes, relishing in the feeling of him. “I can’t live without you, Kayley. Please. I’m so sorry. For everything.”

Kayley tensed as she felt his lips touch hers, and a whimper she couldn’t control escaped her lips. God, he felt so good. She wanted him; she needed him. When she didn’t push him away, he brought both of his hands to cup her face and looked her in the eyes. “I. Love. You. You mean more to me than anything in this world. You’re the absolute love of my life, with your daughter a close second.” He kissed her again, gently, with his tongue slowly prodding her mouth open and his hands still cupping her face, his thumbs rubbing back and forth on her cheeks. She allowed her tongue to meet his, unable to stop her body from taking over her brain. She gripped his shirt with her hands as he pulled her closer to him. Both of them groaning, Kayley’s body shook with the aftermath of all of the emotion. Feeling her shudder, Ben took his hands from her face and wrapped them around her. As he deepened the kiss, sucking her tongue into his mouth, a sound came from Kayley that caused him to stop.