Life's Next Chapter (26 page)

It felt like hours passed before the paramedics came, but in reality it was only five minutes. They loaded her on the gurney and rushed her to the ambulance. “Luke, save Kara. Please!” That damn horse is the last thing I want to think about. I tell her I’ll call her granddaddy and see what he can do. She starts to sob even more. I hold her hand as we make our way into the ambulance. Her eyes are closed in the ambulance while they start an IV, take her blood pressure, and give her oxygen.

“Everything will be alright, baby. I love you, no matter what.” I look at her to see the tears slide down her face. Even though, in that moment I had no clue how everything was going to be all right. I feel like someone just clawed my heart out of my chest. Amazing, to know that I never met our baby, but I was so in love with him or her. Our baby left us much too soon.

HOW DOES A person go from a happy and romantic moment to living her worst nightmare? Hell, I don’t think I could even dream the nightmare I’m experiencing. Lying on the gurney in the ambulance, heading to the hospital, I know in my heart they’ll have to remove my unborn child from my womb. I sob because of the pain I’m in. Physically my body hurts from being thrown into a wall. I can heal from the physical pains, but I don’t know if Luke and I will heal from the emotional hell we’re going through. I look at Luke, sitting on the bench next to the paramedic; he’s spiraling fast, down into his black hole. His eyes are dark; they aren’t the gleaming green eyes that make me weak in the knees every time I look at him. I close my eyes and pray to God to give me the strength to get through this hell.

HOURS AGO I was brought to the hospital. I was immediately taken from the emergency room to the labor and delivery floor. The doctors did an ultrasound. My amniotic sac had ruptured and there was no heartbeat. They prepared me for the procedure. I was given some medicine to start labor. They dilated my cervix and evacuated my baby from my body.

By sunrise, I had delivered our sleeping angel, a baby girl. She was incredibly tiny, so tiny that she fit in the palm if my hand. Luke was my rock; he was so strong through it all, even though I could feel his body trembling from the cries he tried to hold back. He never let go of my hand and continued to tell me how brave I was and how much he loved me. The doctors brought in the chaplain of the hospital. We prayed, cried, and said our final goodbyes. This was such a private grieving moment for me; I didn’t want to share it with anyone other than Luke.

The chaplain brought in a photographer and asked if we wanted photos taken of the small, intimate service, but we both declined. Luke was shocked I would decline, since I’m such an avid picture taker, but I knew this moment would never leave my mind. I didn’t need pictures to remind me of this. I would always remember what she looked like. The doctors took our baby away and that was the last we ever saw her. We opted to have her cremated. Luke felt the situation we were in was just between him and me. We didn’t need a funeral since she was a part of our hearts. He felt we didn’t need the emotional drain of all the condolences from people. I agreed; she came and left our lives so quickly, no one else could comprehend what we were going through.

We named her Luka Sunny Ashton. Luka because it just felt right. I knew last week at the doctor’s office she was a girl. Luke picked Sunny because she came into this world as the sun was bringing us out of the dark.

After the doctor and chaplain left, we laid on the bed and cried together in each other’s arms.

I wake up to the setting sun. Sensing Luke isn’t in the room anymore, I look over to see Beth sitting in the chair reading her Kindle. “Bethy,” I hoarsely whisper to her. She puts the Kindle down and walks over to me. Sitting on the bed, she leans down and we lie there hugging each other. No words are exchanged, but I feel her sympathy for me. “Where’s Luke?” I ask her, knowing it’s him I really need.

“He went home to change and to get you some clothes. Jacob took him to get food and a shower. He’ll be back soon.”

She just looks at me, and as much as I don’t want to cry, I do. Why am I crying when this is Karma coming back to kick me in the ass? For so many months with the twins I bitched and complained about being pregnant, especially when my best friend couldn’t get pregnant. I was a selfish bitch back then, and now Karma is showing me my true colors. I wanted my baby, I know at first I was scared, scared of the unknown, but with Luke’s love for me and our baby, I grew to love this baby more and more and now I’ll never know her. I will never hear her cry, never nurse her, or see her beautiful eyes. I could already picture her with Luke’s amazing green eyes. I pictured teaching her to ride horses, just like I did with her big sisters.

What hurts the most is knowing mere hours before I lost her, Luke and I talked non-stop about her. He kissed and talked to my belly before and after we made love. I can’t believe she’s gone. I pull Beth to me and we cry together. In some sense she knows what I’m going through. She cried many nights for the baby she never got to meet time, and time again, after failed conception procedures.

Beth gets up and brings me a glass of water. I gulp in down, as if this was my first drink after weeks in the Sahara Desert. I nod for her to give me more. I sit up in the bed. She sits next to me and holds me in her arms. We say nothing. There are no words. I never thought in a million years I would be the one on the other side of the fence, or that it would be Beth consoling me.

Half an hour later, Luke and Jacob come walking in. Beth gets up from the bed and walks over to Jacob. He pulls her into his side and kisses her head. Luke comes over to me, taking the spot Beth just vacated. He throws the small gym bag on the chair next to the bed and snuggles up to me. “Sorry, I left you, sunshine, but Jacob here told me it would be best to clean up and get you some clean clothes. I love you.”

“I love you, too,” I say as I curl into his side. He smells of soap and fabric softener.

Beth walks to the other side of the bed and tells me they’re going to go. She kisses my head. “Call me if you need anything. Love you, Katie bear.”

I hug her tightly and whisper, “Love you too, Bethy.”

Luke turns on the TV and we watch mindless reality shows. “The doctor says you can go home tomorrow morning. Your grandparents still have the girls, and your mom called me to see how you were doing. The police want to talk with you, but I told them to wait until you come home.”

“The police, what do the police want with…Oh God, Kara. How is Kara?”

He places his hands on my face to get me to focus on him. “Kara is just fine. Your granddaddy came by and rounded her up. She was lying down in the back of your property. He got there in time, and with Jeremy and Chad’s help, they got her back to the stable where he tested her blood. The sample came back positive; she was drugged. Someone ground up a poisonous plant called Hemlock in her food, waited till she digested it, then attacked her and cut twelve gashes along her body. She’ll recover. She’s resting in her stall.”

“Who would do this to her? Kara’s essentially mine…why would they hurt her?” Luke just looks at me with the expression of you-got-to-be-kidding-me. “Oh fuck, do you think Keith did this?”

Luke nods his head. “Like you said, why would anyone want to hurt her, she’s yours? Someone who’s out for retribution and knows what Kara means to you. Only the one asshole that has been giving us hell.”

I start to cry harder into Luke’s shoulder once I know Keith is the reason I lost our daughter. “Shhh, baby, I swear to God, I’ll make Keith pay for what he has done to us. He’ll be damn sorry he ever opened his mouth to us.”

I sit up quickly and get out of bed. “I need my phone… where is my phone?”

Luke gets out of the bed and slides it out from the gym bag. I grab the phone and dial Beth’s number. She answers, “You okay, Kate?”

“Beth, I need your help again. I think Keith is the reason for me losing Luka. I think he did this. I don’t know how to prove it, but God help me, I will prove it.”

“Calm down, honey, I’ll call and look into things. You rest, all this stress isn’t good for you.”

“Preaching to the choir here, sweetheart!”

“I know, I’ll call you back.”

Since I’m standing up and feeling incredibly gross, I ask Luke to page the nurse and see if I can take a shower. Not much later, with a warm shower taken, some soup in my stomach, I’m back in bed with Luke. We hold each other and lie in silence. We have no words left. Personally, I don’t want to talk about what happened this morning. Not that I don’t want to remember it, but I feel I don’t have enough strength to talk about losing our child.

I have incredible guilt, and I’m terrified that Luke will see what I’ve done and leave me. It’s my fault for trying to calm down a drugged and wounded animal. I remember his screams for me to get out of there, and I never listened, like always. If I only had listened, we wouldn’t be here. I pull myself tighter into Luke’s body. I know he isn’t sleeping because his breathing is restless. I succumb to the tears and fall asleep.

The next morning I’m discharged from this hospital with a small bag of my items. Luke and I still haven’t talked. I know he is in his personal hell, just like I’m in mine. We get home and it’s eerie being here. Knowing our world turned upside down in a course of twenty-four hours hurts, it’s the kind of hurt you just want to pull your own heart out to stop the pain seeping through your soul. I have every emotion running rampant through my body. I look at Luke and I want to cry, scream, and hate each other for this. I’ll never forget my words to Beth when she would look at a negative on those many pregnancy tests.
‘Time will get you through this, all you need is time.’
I want to kick at myself for saying those words that keep replaying in my head over and over. Right now, I would do anything for time to speed up. I can’t get out of this hell fast enough!

IT HAS BEEN five weeks, one day, and eight hours since we lost Luka. Not a minute goes by that I don’t think about her. Seeing her, lying in the palm of my hand brought me to my knees. I’ve seen some horrific, terrifying war scenes. I’ve seen my share of blood running from my brothers-in-arms, but, when I saw Kate sitting in that pool of blood—I’ve never been more terrified in my life. Then to see Kate go through the pain of labor only to say goodbye to Luka…it’s moment that haunts my dreams.