Life's Next Chapter (30 page)

“Why’d you turn it off? I like that song.”

I walk over to her, grab the bucket from her, and drop it on the floor. “Since when?”

“Since I came across it. The words are how I feel. I feel like I can’t wake up from this terrible nightmare.”

Placing my hands on her shoulder I lean down at look at her, “Kate, you have to. You need to wake up for the people who are living around you. You have to accept more people are going to have babies around you. You’re going to have to talk to Beth and Ella. It isn’t their fault just because they have babies.”

“NO, it’s my FAULT! Every damn time I walk into this stable, it haunts me. That night replays in my fucking memory, over and over. I can still smell the rain. I can hear the horses’ hooves walking around in their stalls. I can hear Kara’s screeching neighs as she’s drugged and in pain. I can still see your face as you scream for me to get out.
I
didn’t listen to
you
, and now she is gone.
She
is gone because of
me
!” She cries as she falls to the floor. “I want my baby, Luke. I want my baby to come back!” She sobs into her hands.

I sit down and pull her to me. I push away the wet tendrils of hair sticking to her temples. “Kate, we have to move forward. If it takes me having to tear down this stable and build you a different one, just so those memories don’t haunt you, I will. I will do it right now, but baby, you know that a place, animal, or object isn’t going to bring our daughter back.”

She looks up at me, and her beautiful blue eyes, that used to shine as bright as sapphires, have turned almost gray. “It’s so hard, Luke.”

“Baby, who said this was easy? I’m right here with you. I miss her so much, but Kate, we’ve got to move on. Luka wouldn’t want you to be like this. You have to get better for Luka’s big sisters. Julia and Nicole need you, sunshine. I need you. I need the old Kate to come back.”

I stand up and pull her to me. “I’m going to take you somewhere that has always helped me to cope. Maybe it will help you cope, too,” I murmur to her.

She looks up at me, confused. “Where are you taking me?”

“Go get cleaned up, and hurry.”

“How should I dress?”

“Shorts and shirt should do.”

She walks towards the house, and I walk to my truck and look at the surprise I have for her. I can only hope this will help her. I sit on the porch swing waiting for her. She comes barreling out of the side kitchen door.

“No rush, sunshine, I’m right here.”

“Well, you told me to hurry. The girls are in their room playing. Do I need to tell them to get ready?”

“Nope, Danika is on her way to watch them.”

She places her hands on her hips and gives me her beautiful smile that I haven’t seen in a while. “Mr. Ashton, I do recognize that I’m not dressed for a date. You did imply for me to wear shorts and a shirt,” she says in a sweet southern twang.

“I sure did, my country girl.”

I pat the swing next to me for her to come and sit. We swing in silence for a bit. “Luke, where are you taking me?”

“Damn, baby, can’t a man surprise his woman?”

“I guess, but I just feel weird, like I shouldn’t be having fun.”

I pull her against me and turn sideways so I can look at her. “I’ll give you a hint.” Just then her smile appears. “It has to do with Luka.”

Her smile fades and the rose color in her cheeks goes pale. “I promise, it will help.”

God, I sure hope so. Danika arrives, and I put Kate into my truck. Instead of pulling out in reverse down the driveway, I drive out towards the back of her land in the direction of the creek. I swallow the lump in my throat because this is the place she told me she didn’t love me. This is the place we broke up. “Luke, where are you going?”

“I knew I should have blind folded you.”

“Luke, seriously why are we heading back here?”

I place my hand on her thigh. “Because I want to create new and better memories.”

She just looks at me with a you-got-to-be-shitting-me-look. “But…but this is where we broke up,” she mutters as I pull up next to a big oak tree and the creek.

“Like I said, new memories.”

I get out of the truck and walk to her door. I help her out of the truck and walk her to the tree. “I want you to stand right here. I have to go back to the truck, but I have a surprise, so I want you to keep your eyes shut ‘til I say open.” She nods her head and closes her eyes.

Nervous, I walk to the truck. I repeat to myself
please like it, please like it
over and over in my head. My palms are sweaty as I pull her surprise out of the truck. I grab the box that holds a couple more things I need for this new memory I want to create. I walk back to Kate and she’s standing there with her eyes closed, chewing on her bottom lip. She has her arms crossed and is rocking back and forth. She’s so beautiful.

“Just one more second,” I say to her as I get situated and hold her surprise.

“Okay, open,” I announce. She opens her eyes, looks at me then at the surprise I hold. She covers her mouth with her hand. I can see her starting to tremble. “Do you like it?” I ask softly, not knowing if she’s going to reject it or not.

“Oh my God, Luke, it’s beautiful. You made this?”

“I did. One thing I learned in my support group is sometimes it helps to have a personal object to go to; a place to mourn and think of Luka. I thought she needed this. She needs to rest here.”

Kate walks to me and touches the wooden cross I made for Luka. The cross is about three feet tall, stained in walnut finish. I made a half sun from yellow pine and mounted it to the back of the cross to create Luka’s sunshine appearing behind the cross. I engraved her name LUKA SUNNY ASHTON.

Kate falls to her knees and holds the cross to her. I squat down next to her and place my hands on her arms. She lays her forehead against the cross and cries. When she looks up to me, she has relief in her eyes. “Luke, this is the most beautiful thing ever. Our daughter has a resting spot. Thank you for this.”

“I thought we could place the cross near the creek and scatter her ashes in the creek. I brought her urn. I still have plans to build a garden and a bench, so when we need her, we can come and be with her.” Saying those words were the hardest words I’ve ever said. I repeated those words in my head over and over. I wanted this moment to be a special memory for Kate. Finally, we have a peaceful moment.

She lays the cross on the ground and falls into my lap. I lose my balance and fall backwards with her. “I love you, Luke. I love you so much. Thank you. Thank you so much for this. Let’s put our daughter to rest,” she says as she kisses me hard.

When we get up off the grass, I take the soft mallet out of the box and hammer the cross into the ground. Then I hand Kate the yellow rose bushes I got to place at her cross. With her holding on to me, I open the very small urn and sprinkle her ashes into the flowing creek. “Gone, but never forgotten,” I whisper.

“Rest in peace, my baby girl,” Kate says as she throws a rose into the water. We step back and plant the remaining roses by her cross. She runs her finger along her name and grabs my hand. “I needed this…we needed this. Thank you,” she says to me, as she slides her body close to mine for a much needed hug and kiss.

“We’re not done yet. We have an appointment to be somewhere.” I declare. I grab her hand and we walk back to the truck. As she is about to get into the truck she looks over at the creek and the cross and blows a kiss. I shut the door and walk around the truck, trying to take in deep breaths.

We drive and we talk. I have to ask the question that has been burning in my brain. “Kate, I need to ask you a question, and I need your honest answer.”

She turns in her seat and looks confused. “Alright. Shoot.”

“Will you ever be ready to have another baby with me? I’m not saying now, or hell, even months from now, but I just want to know.”

She turns in her seat and looks out the window. “Luke, I don’t want any more babies. I’m sorry to put you through this. I just can’t, and won’t. I understand if you can’t be with me if I won’t have your baby,” she whispers to me.

I place my hand on her shoulder. “Sunshine, look at me.” When she turns, I see more tears. Taking my thumb I wipe away the tears. “First off, no more damn tears. You’re slowly killing me with your tears. Second, it was just a question. If you don’t want any more babies, it’s fine; I’m okay with it. You’re all I need Kate. Babies or no babies, it’s just
you
!”

She leans her head into my palm and whispers a thank you. We pull up to the place where we have an appointment. I wish I could capture Kate’s expression when she saw where we were headed.

“Tattoo Parlor…seriously?”

“Yes, baby, and for a change, it’s not for me.” She looks up to me with a gasp.

“Me?” she questions.

“Yes, you. This is Luke’s form of therapy, and maybe you can try it out. I even drew up a picture for you.”

“You did?”

“Again, yes, and I was hoping maybe you would like it right here,” I say as I lean over and squeeze her right hip. “Somewhere, where only you and I will see it.”

“Does it hurt?”

“Yes, but a broken heart hurts more.”

Out of the truck, I wrap my arm around her and pull her into me. We walk into the parlor side by side. I see my girl, Shelby, who has done all my tattoos. “Hey, Shelby, this is Kate. She’s the one that’s getting the tat.”

Shelby puts her hand out and shakes Kate’s. “Nice to meet you.”

“Likewise,” Kate says.

“Follow me.” Shelby instructs, so we follow her to her cubicle. I escort Kate to the chair and tell her to lie down. Shelby goes in the back and gets the drawing I had drawn up when I had my remembrance tattoo done. Shelby stands in front of Kate and holds of the drawing.

“Well, what do you think?”

Kate pulls her bottom lip in to keep her lips from quivering. “I promised I wouldn’t cry, but I have to because this is an amazing drawing, did you really draw it?” she asks, looking at me.

“To be honest, Shelby drew it, but I told her what I wanted and gave her a copy of Luka’s foot prints.” I look at the drawing, memorized by how beautiful it was.

“Kate, I hope ya don’t mind, I kept the size of her footprints, but because they were so faint, I had to draw them darker, so that’s why you don’t see any lines in the foot prints.”

“I love it, Shelby! I would like it right here.” Kate points to the right side of her pelvis, near her hipbone.

“Alright let me get this ready and get the ink, and then we’ll get started.” Shelby explains and walks to the back. I bend over and give my girl a kiss.

“I’m so glad you love it,” I mumble against her lips.

She looks up at me, and smiles. “Thank you.”

An hour later Kate is looking at her new tattoo. It’s very small in comparison to mine. But, it’s just what she needs to move forward. I had Shelby draw the footprints with angel wings and a pink halo above the toes. Above the halo has the word ‘Mommy’s’ and under the footprint, ‘Angel’. Kate looks up to me with the biggest smile.

I squat down and give her a kiss then kiss right above her tattoo. “It’s almost as beautiful as you.” I whisper.

“Thank you, Luke. I love you.”

I watch Shelby put the ointment on her and then cover up her tattoo. I take Kate out to dinner, where we finally have a normal conversation. We talk about work. I tell her how the beach house is coming. She talks about how much easier work is since Erik joined the practice. The girls Pre-K graduation is at the beginning of June. We talk about her upcoming birthday the first week in May. She says she wants something simple. Dinner comes and goes. We head home to a rowdy house with our girls. We end up having a movie night. We watch
Wreck It Ralph
. Danika leaves near the end of the movie and the girls pass out. I take each girl, one at a time, to their bed and tuck them in. We tuck in the girls and kiss them goodnight. I pick up Kate in the hallway and walk her to our bed. When I lay her down, her lips come to mine and we kiss.

Our kisses turn into more touching and soon we were making sweet love to one another. The day couldn’t have ended any better, and for the first time in a long while, my girl goes to bed without tears in her eyes.