Letting go of Grace (13 page)

I TOUCH HIM TO MAKE
sure he isn’t a figment of my imagination. My fingers graze his cheeks then I place my hands on his chest. I look into his eyes again and realize he was a mirage. Chase quickly fades and I see Grant before me. I search deeper in his eyes to find some kind of clue as to why I thought Grant was Chase. It felt so real. I felt him hold me again. He was in my arms and I heard him tell me he was going to make everything right. I feel the tears come to my eyes and Grant pulls me back into him. The once safe place within his arms doesn’t feel the same. I struggle when the realization hits me that not even a few seconds ago when I was in his arms, I felt secure. Chase made me feel safe again, as if everything were going to go back to normal.

“Hannah I meant what I said. I promise I will make everything right.” I can feel his warm breath in my ear and I crumble. I feel like I am going crazy. Clearly I am having a mental breakdown from the stress of the day, but my eyes have never played games on me before. I pull away from Grant to look at him once again to see if Chase will reappear, but he doesn’t. It’s only blue eyes staring back at me, the ones that took all hope of love again away from me. I take a deep breath and step back from Grant.

“Hannah, don’t.” I can hear the hurt in his voice as he takes my arms in his hands, but I shake away from him. I gaze at him nervously and shake my head then walk away from him. I can hear Richard call my name and I look around for him, but I don’t see him. I see Chase out of the corner of my eye and freeze again. What kind of mind games am I playing on myself? I feel drawn to the door he walked through and like a moth drawn to a flame, I follow. I don’t feel my body walking, but before I know it I’m striding through the door searching for Chase. I open a curtain and he is sitting on a gurney smiling at me. My body is wrapped around him in an instant.

“Hey love, took you long enough to come see me.” I look up into his eyes and he just smiles at me. I start to talk, but nothing comes out. I place my hand to my throat and he takes my hand and places it over his heart. I feel no beat again and it brings me back to the day I saw him lying on the cold table in the morgue. I touch his face and my hand goes right through him. He feels cold. He leans down and kisses the tears off my face. I feel angry that he can touch me, but I can’t touch him. Once again I search his eyes for answers. I feel like I’m having an outer body experience. I start to gasp for air and he stands up and wraps his arms around me.

“He is a good man, Hannah; you just have to give him a chance.” Immediately I glance up to ask him who he is talking about, but he is gone before I can utter a single word.

I stand alone in the room just staring into the air where Chase once stood. What did he mean by “he is a good man”? I look around the room for some kind of clue and I wonder who he is talking about. Grant? I let out a deep breath and wipe the tears from my face. Get it together Hannah. I take a few more breaths. In and out I tell myself. I get myself stable and scrutinize his words in my head. I can only shake my head in disbelief. Out of everything that I could possibly want him to say to me, I never thought my dead husband would be talking to me about what man I should be with, but that’s just Chase. I smile sadly as I think about him and I can still feel him in the room.

“I will love you forever, Chase,” I whisper. On autopilot I head out of the room and attempt to focus. I walk around for a while looking for Richard before I finally find him.

“Hannah we have all the Graces upstairs being treated. Mrs. Grace has a few scratches, but nothing too bad. John and Autumn are in ICU.” He pauses and takes his glasses off to rub between his eyes. I know this move all too well. This accident has sent his stress levels soaring high.

“Grant is banged up but he will be fine. Aiden is in surgery right now, we know he punctured his lung and has some internal bleeding, but I won’t have an update till he gets out.” Surgery? My heart drops.

“How about Addy?” I choke out. I place my hand on his arm to get him to look at me. He has been avoiding eye contact with me.

“She is fine. It looks like it was John and Autumn’s car that exploded. Who would want to do something like this, Hannah?” He searches my eyes for answers that don’t have.

“I don’t know, Richard, but I’m sure Grant will find out.” I take my hand off of his arm and anxiously twist my fingers together.

“Grant wants to see you. Why don’t you go up and see how they are all doing?” I nod my head at him but I don’t move. My feet are temporally glued to the floor.

“Hannah? Are you OK?” I peer back at Richard and nod my head slightly up and down. I can’t speak the words because I am far from OK. What should I tell Richard? Oh yeah, by the way, I just talked to Chase and he says one on the Grace men are good for me. He would send me right up to the fifth floor for a psych evaluation, but maybe that’s what I need. With a gentle push Richard moves my feet and directs me to the elevators. I walk with my head down as if I’m doing the walk of shame. I feel lost. I stop when I reach the elevator doors. I can’t get in to one of these elevators. I know Grant will be in the one I choose. I see one open and I side step for another as the doors of the elevator open. On cue I go to walk in and I spot Grant. I try to reverse my path but it’s too late; the doors close. There are two other people in the elevator so we aren’t alone, thank goodness. I don’t look his way but he immediately moves behind me. I watch the numbers turn as we go up. We stop at the floor below ours and the two passengers exit leaving me alone with him. Once the doors close again I can feel Grant’s body surrounding me.

“Hannah, we have to talk about this eventually,” he whispers in my ear. I feel his chin rest on the angle of my neck where it meets my right shoulder. Chase used to do that and for some reason it drove me wild. I shrug my shoulder to get him off of me.

“Grant there is nothing to talk about.”

“Like hell there isn’t.” With that said, he presses the emergency button and the elevator comes to an abrupt stop. Inwardly seething, I let out an exasperated groan. “No we don’t.”

“So, you running to me, hugging me, that was nothing?” He maneuvers around me and takes my chin in his hand, forcing me to make eye contact with him. I refuse to look at him so I close my eyes.

“Hannah, this is far from over and you know it. I need you babe, please talk to me.” His now powerless voice isn’t filled with his usual authority. He has taken on a soft pleading tone.

“I...I…” I can’t form a fucking sentence. I sigh in frustration.

“Hannah, there hasn’t been a minute that has passed that I haven’t thought about you. There hasn’t been a fucking day that I haven’t had to drag myself out of bed to go to work. I can’t do this anymore. I need you. I need you to breathe again. I can’t take not being able to talk to you, to touch you.” He gently slips his hands on my neck.

“I miss kissing you.” He leans closer to me leaving only inches in between his lips and mine. I watch as his tongue slowly licks his bottom lip, leaving it glistening. I have to close my eyes to keep the tears from coming out. Sad eyes stare back at me making me an emotional wreck.

“I miss loving you.” I feel his forehead press against mine.

“You kissed someone else Grant. I watched you kiss her. You can’t erase that image out of my mind. Trust is very important, and when you don’t have it...” I finally open my eyes to gaze into his.

“You have nothing,” I finish. I slowly pull away from his hold, taking his hands away from around my neck and dropping them. I watch as they fall to his sides. I see the unshed tears in his eyes. I lean over to the buttons on the elevator and press the emergency button so we start moving. I can’t get myself to turn around to look at him again. I just focus straight ahead at the doors. When they open I leave him in there. I don’t even turn around to see if he has followed me out. I go to the main station and look for charts. I find the charge nurse and have her fill me in on their statuses and who has treated them.

John, Autumn, and Aiden are still being worked on so I make the dreaded trip into Mrs. Grace’s room. I peak my head into her room, while lightly knocking on the door. I see Shane sitting at her side and they are talking quietly. I go to back out, but it’s too late, I’m spotted.

“Hannah, do you know how everyone is doing?” Shane stands up to walk to me, so I meet him halfway, bringing me a few feet from Mrs. Grace’s bed.

“Aiden is still in surgery. John and Autumn are in ICU being assessed.” I look into his wounded eyes, and I gently touch his arm for comfort.

“What about Grant?” he whispers.

“I saw him a little while ago. He has some bangs and bruises, but he’ll be fine.” I see him breathe a little easier.

“How about, Addy? When will I be able to see her?”

“She is fine as well. You should be able to go see her shortly.”

“Thanks Hannah,” Shane whispers as he takes me in for a hug. I wrap my arms around his waist and hug him back. He’s like my little brother and the things we have seen today are liable to break anyone. I’m glad we have each other to lean on. We comfort each other for a few seconds then release each other.

“Shane can you give me a minute with Hannah?” I don’t look over at Mrs. Grace when she speaks. As he walks out, I walk over to the window to avoid any eye contact at all. It has been weeks since I was standing next to her bed in the hospital. I have no words to say to about the matter. I’m not mad at her for what she did. The situation just makes me extremely uncomfortable. All those years the boys suffered in silence guts me.

“Hannah, I’m sorry you had to be a part of that night,” she begins. I try to stifle a mirthless laugh. So I guess we are going to refer to it as “That Night.”

“I’m not going to apologize for what I did. You know as well as I do, you would do the same. There is nothing a mother wouldn’t do to protect her children.” Her voice strains and I can hear her soft sobs. I keep my focus out the window, and remain taking steady breaths. I have to shut them out somehow, but I keep getting dragged back in.

“Hannah, please say something,” she finally murmurs.

All I can do is turn and give her a very weak smile.

“As I told you already, your secret is safe with me.” I go to leave, but stop when she speaks again.

“That’s it. You have nothing else to say?”

“What is there to say Victoria? What do you want me to say?” I demand. I feel like I’m going to lose it. It has been a few weeks since that dreaded night. I have pushed it all out of my mind hoping I would never have to see them again, but I should know by now that the Grace family would weasel their way back in one way or another.

“Are you looking for forgiveness? Because I am the wrong person you should be seeking that from. Start with the four grown men you gave birth to.” I reply in a low hiss. “You know what? I do have something to say to you. You are the reason they are so fucked up, you know that? You let them be abused for years, knowing it was happening.” I growl softly. “You are a mother god dammit, you should have had your eyes open, taking care of them, instead of doing whatever the hell else you were fucking doing that was distracting you from the reality of it,” I whisper venomously. “They place the blame on him and I understand that he was a sick son of a bitch, but mother to mother, you are just as guilty as he was. You knew, you had time to plan his murder, how many times did he torture them while you plotted your revenge?” I sneer in disgust. “Did you even bother staying around the house after you found out? Or were you too busy shopping and coordinating your social calendar?” I stop only because she is sobbing hard. I want her to hear all that I have to say. I wait till her sobs get softer before I continue.

“You have four sons who are royally fucked up. Grant has never been in love. Aiden fucks anything that walks. John likes to stir up drama for shits and giggles, and Shane… Well, Shane made it out of that fucked up house wounded but normal. They are a product of you. Addy was the best thing that ever happened to them. While you played the sorrowful widow to the world, she loved those boys and gave them a mother figure. Something that you never knew how to do.” I have to pause to catch my breath. “You know when I first met your family, I was told how special you all were.” I let a grim laugh slip out. “I never saw that. I only saw lies, drama, deceit, and sadness through all of your eyes. It’s pathetic, Victoria. You are pathetic.”

Feeling like I’ve gotten a huge weight lifted off my chest, I turn to walk out the door only to see Shane and Grant standing there bewildered by my outpouring.