Letters Home (28 page)

I entered my password and opened the email program. The first message was from the reporting officer. I was being taken off of training duty as of Thursday, when I was to report to field training—specifically, range training.

My whole back straightened before the deep ache in my muscles had me slouching back against the chair once more. This meant we were being deployed soon. It was normal to get switched out of the clinic or the training unit anywhere between four to six weeks before shipping out. One more thing that I had to add to my ever-growing list of shit to deal with.

I tried to eat, but the food just tasted sour. All I could think about was the possibility of getting deployed while things with Danielle were an utter mess. I didn’t want her to know the extent of my feelings for her, afraid that she’d never be able to reciprocate. There was a part of her that would never get over Nate’s death and I was starting to realize that I’d underestimated how much of an impact it would have on our relationship. She would never truly be mine. The question was, could I live like that? Always being second to a dead man.

Frustrated, I threw my lunch into the trash and stormed out of the office, slamming the door as I left. I felt everyone’s eyes on me but I just didn’t give a shit. There was someone I needed to talk to.

Checking the time, I realized the chaplain’s office was too far to walk in the time I had before the next session started, so I jumped in my truck and drove over. After I pulled into the lot I realized I probably should have called first to make sure he wasn’t busy, but it was too late for that now. I’d just have to go in and find out.

Thankfully, when I walked in the chapel door, I noticed the office door was open. I took a step in that direction, when I heard voices coming from the main chapel.

“Of course, Doug, that’s what I’m here for.” The chaplain’s voice carried out into the hall.

“Thank you, sir.”

“In here, we don’t have to worry about rank. There’s no need for ‘sirs.’”

I stepped into the doorway when I realized that this was the end of a conversation.

“Okay,” a very nervous young private said to the chaplain. He reminded me of myself when I first joined the army. I was fresh out of high school, trying to find my way in the world, and I thought the army was the place to do it. And I had found my way. Nine years later and I was a training medic who had saved countless lives in the field, but I still remembered my nerves during those weeks before my first deployment. Unfortunately, none of my training had prepared me to deal with the mess in my private life.

The chaplain smiled at me, acknowledging my presence, before continuing his conversation with the young soldier.

“Anytime you need me, you know where to find me.”

“Thank you, Chaplain Hayes.”

The private started toward the door when he realized that I was standing there. His eyes opened wide, but he quickly composed his features. Maybe he was embarrassed at being caught talking to the chaplain, even though he had no reason to be. He stopped and offered me a salute, which I returned. As he walked passed, I placed an arm on his shoulder and spoke low enough that only he would hear me.

“We’ve all been there. Don’t be embarrassed about needing someone to talk to.”

He looked back at me and nodded before leaving the chapel.

Chaplain Hayes came up to me with his hand extended. “Sgt. Marano, what can I do for you?”

I reached out to clasp his hand. “Do you have a few minutes?”

“Of course I do.” He studied my face for a moment. “Let’s go to my office, Tanner. I think we’ll be more comfortable there.”

I gestured to the left. “Lead the way.”

The last time I’d spoken with the chaplain, after giving Danielle the letter from Nate, we’d sat in the chapel itself. He must have seen something in my face when he looked at me that made him realize that privacy would be better.

Once we were seated on the couches inside his office he turned to me, waiting. Sadly, I had no idea where to start. I leaned forward, resting my elbows on my knees, my eyes focused on the ground below me. “I got notice that I’m heading out to field training on Thursday.”

“Ah, so it won’t be long before your unit is deployed again. What does Danielle think?” My head snapped up. “Don’t be surprised. Danielle told me about your relationship, but I also saw you together at the ball last weekend.”

“I haven’t told her yet.” I sighed. “I just found out. That’s not really the problem, though.”

“I didn’t think it was,” he said, leaning back into his chair. “Your unit gets deployed all the time. Why don’t you tell me what’s wrong with you and Danielle?”

“How—”

He put his hand up to stop me. “Like I said, I saw you at the ball and something wasn’t right.”

“I’m just not sure she feels the same way about me as I do about her. And even if she does, she’ll never be able to admit it…because of Nate.”

“You know, I’ve counseled plenty of widows in all the years that I’ve been doing this, but none of them ever got to me like Danielle did. Maybe it’s because I married them, right before you deployed. Either way, she is a strong young woman, who has been asked to deal with something no one her age should have to.”

“I know and I’ve tried to be patient and care for her every way I know how, but with the possibility of being deployed I’m just not sure a relationship is a good idea for either of us. Leaving our friends and family behind is hard enough as it is. Going over there when your relationship is a mess can make you sloppy and someone is going to die.”

He leaned forward. “You’re right. There is a chance Danielle may never recover from the loss of Nate. However, I just don’t think that’s the case. When it comes to Danielle, I think there’s still a lot of guilt that she doesn’t even realize that she carries. Unfortunately, there is nothing you or I can do to help her overcome it, until she’s willing to accept that she’s allowed to live her life.”

“So, what am I supposed to do?

He rested his elbows on his knees and his chin on his chest. “That is a decision you have to make. Have you talked to her about any of this?”

“No. I actually haven’t talked to her since Saturday.”

He tilted his chin down and frowned. “Tanner, if you haven’t talked to her, why are you here talking to me?”

“I guess I really don’t know what to say to her.”

“The only thing I can tell you is talk to her, and make your decision from there. Sometimes it’s hard, but you have to do what’s best for you.”

Chaplain Hayes had given me a lot to think about. I looked at my watch and was surprised to find how much time had passed. The next training session started in ten minutes. I stood up and reached my hand out to him. “Thank you for the talk.”

He shook my hand. “Anytime. Just remember, talk to her before you make any decisions.”

“I will,” I promised, before leaving the chapel. In the car on the way back, I did my best to clear my mind for the rest of the day.

The next few hours went off without a problem. I think having a plan put my mind at ease, for a little while at least. By the time I got back to my apartment, my brain was working in overdrive. It was still early and Danielle was still at work so I went to the gym to try and work out some of my frustrations. Afterward, I went home to shower and change before I called Danielle.

She answered on the first ring. “Tanner?” she asked, a hint of sadness in her voice.

“Yeah, it’s me.”

“Where have you been? You haven’t answered any of my calls.”

“Can I come over and we can talk about it?”

“Um…sure.” She sounded so uncertain, almost as if she didn’t want to talk about it at all. “I’m still at work right now, but I should be home in about an hour.”

“All right, I’ll meet you at your place.”

The thought of waiting another hour for this conversation had me pacing the room, something Greg didn’t miss when he got back.

“Dude, what’s up?” he asked, dropping down on the couch. “You’ve been in a mood for days.”

With a sigh, I sat down on the chair facing him. “Danielle.”

“Okay. I thought things were going really well between the two of you?”

“I thought so too, at least until Saturday night.” I told him all about the ball and what had happened afterward, up until my conversation with the chaplain that afternoon.

“Oh, man, that sucks.”

“Yeah, well getting the training rotation doesn’t make me feel any better.”

“I know I saw that today. We really can’t be surprised. We’ve been home way too long this time. It was inevitable that we’d get deployed sooner or later.”

“It’s not that. I actually have been expecting it. I just don’t know how I’m supposed to do my job if I’m constantly worrying about what she’s doing here.”

“Damn, I hadn’t thought of that,” he said, his tone sympathetic. “What are you going to do?”

I dropped my head into my hands. “I don’t know. I’m going over there to talk to her. I’d rather cut off my right arm than hurt her, I just don’t know if I can avoid hurting her without hurting myself. If she doesn’t feel the same, I just don’t know.” I knew Greg could hear the desolation in my voice because I could hear it clear as day myself.

I was getting up to leave when Greg walked over and pulled me into a man hug. “If you need me, I’m here.”

Most guys would scoff at the idea of sitting around, talking about their feelings, but Greg wasn’t just my friend—he was my brother. It felt good to know I had somewhere to go if I needed to talk things through. “Thanks, man.”

My stomach twisted into knots, the ride seemed to take forever when really I just wanted to get the conversation over with. I wanted to know where my relationship with Danielle stood. It was a relief to see her car already in her spot. I hadn’t even gotten to the door when it flew open and she was standing there, watching me take the last few steps to her door.

“Hi,” she said, a slight quiver to her voice.

“Can I come in?”

“Of course,” she said, opening the door wider and taking a step back. It felt odd to be there, not to mention the tension that surrounded the two of us. “You wanted to talk?”

I ran my hand over my face. “Yeah, let’s sit down.”

She took a seat on the couch, leaving room for me next to her, but I needed more space than that to have this conversation so I sat in the chair to the left of the couch. Her eyes were trained on me, watching.

“Tanner, why have you been avoiding me?” She pulled her knees up to her chest and wrapped her arms around them, like she was trying to protect herself.

“Honestly? At first, I didn’t want to say anything to hurt you, but then it got to the point where I really didn’t know what to say.”

“I’m sorry I pulled away from you the other night, I was just ashamed of how people might see me. That they might judge me for moving on so soon after Nate’s death.”

I sucked in a breath at her words. That quickly, I had an answer to the question.
Ashamed
. That one word felt like a knife being twisted in my chest. She was ashamed of being with me. Not saying a word I stood up, my head hung, and started for the door. My throat burned while I tried to hold back the tears swirling in my eyes.

“Tanner, where are you going?” I heard her jump up and follow behind me.

Stopping, I spun around to face her. “What is there left to talk about? You’re ashamed to be with me. What I want to know is why you even bothered with me in the first place?”

She reached out for me but I snatched my hand away. Her arm fell limply at her side, but she continued to stare me dead in the eyes. “I’m not ashamed of you, Tanner, I’m ashamed of
me
. I feel like I’m betraying Nate’s memory every moment I spend with you, but I stay with you anyway.”

My hands started to tremble from clenching my muscles so tight. “Don’t feel obliged to stay with me. I’m a big boy. I can handle it.”

“Tanner, don’t leave,” she begged. “You promised you wouldn’t hurt me.”

I dropped my head. “I have to. We got moved to field training, which means that in a month and a half, maybe less, we’ll be deployed. I can’t carry the tatters of this relationship into the field.”

“But I—”

I couldn’t control the pain that ripped through me as I grabbed her shoulders and gave her a slight shake. “Don’t you think this is killing me? Goddamn it, Danielle, I love you. But it just isn’t about me anymore. I can’t risk others getting hurt because I can’t keep my head in the game. All I ever wanted was for you to be happy, and for you to love me as much as I love you, but until you let go of Nate, I will never truly have your heart. You deserve better. Hell,
I
deserve better. I’m hurting myself too, but it will give me the time to try and find a way to heal before we leave. I’m sorry.”

And just like that I turned and left. There wasn’t anything more I could say. I clenched my teeth against the pain in my chest. It felt as if I was being split in two. I made the drive home in an absolute fog, resigned to the fact I’d lost the only woman I’d ever loved, and there was nothing I could do to fix it.

Greg must have called Colin when I’d left because they were both sitting in the living room when I got back.