Letters Home (24 page)

He rolled the window down a little, shaking his head. “I can’t. I’m sorry,” he said and drove off.

I trudged my way inside. How could such a wonderful night end up crashing and burning so badly? Flopping down on the couch, I let my head rest against the back as the night came back in full focus, including Tina’s words. Now that I thought about it, it was easy to see his feelings in everything he did. The way he’d always come to my rescue when I needed something, his concern when I’d decided to move, even the fact that he always ordered my favorite foods when we went out to eat. Tina had been right. It had been there the whole time, right in front of my face. Why hadn’t I seen it?

The answer hit me like a freight train. I hadn’t seen it because I hadn’t
wanted
to see it. Recognizing his feelings meant taking a closer look at my own. The realization that, once again, I’d been hiding—but not from myself this time—hit hard. I’d held my feelings back from the one person who deserved to know them. Tanner had become my sole focus. No matter what I was doing I found myself trying to include him. Even with work, I
wanted
him to know about the cases I was working on. We spent a lot of time talking. He knew my favorite movies, and the types of music I liked to listen to. And I knew the same about him.

Needing someone to talk to, I called Marissa. “Hey, honey, what’s new?”

“Are you home?”

“Yeah. Danielle, are you all right?”

“I’m not sure. Can I come over?”

“Of course. Do we need drinks?”

“No, I don’t think so. I’ll be there in a few.”

I made the drive to Marissa’s in less than ten minutes. A part of me knew she’d have noticed me falling for Tanner—even when I hadn’t—and I wanted some answers. I didn’t even bother knocking on the door, and when I walked in she was waiting in the living room for me.

“What happened?” she asked, coming over to stand in front of me.

“Did you know how Tanner felt about me?”

Her eyes darted away from me. “Colin and I suspected it, but we weren’t sure. At least, not until Colin talked to him the night you moved.”

“Colin talked to him?” This was getting out of control. How could they have known and not said anything to me?

“Come sit down and we can talk.”

“Fine,” I snapped. “But this time I want to hear all of it. Stop trying to protect me.”

She nodded and sat down, rolling her shoulders back, letting out a breath. “Yes, Colin talked to him. After Tanner left your apartment Colin cornered Greg, and Greg told him everything—how Tanner’s feelings for you had changed, but that he didn’t want you to know because he didn’t want to hurt you again. From what I understand, Colin told him you had a right to know.”

“He didn’t want to tell me? Then why did he kiss me tonight?”

“He kissed you?”

“Yes.” I told her about the picnic and the argument about our teams which led to him kissing me.

“You didn’t kiss him back?”

The blood rushed to my face, knowing that my lack of response had likely hurt Tanner. “No. I didn’t know what was happening.”

“But you care about him, don’t you?”

“I do. I didn’t see it at first. I was so set on keeping him in the friend category, I didn’t realize how much he’d come to mean to me.” I drew my knees up against my chest. “But I doubt he’ll want to see me again.”

“Oh, I wouldn’t be so sure,” said a voice from the kitchen and I turned to see Colin, a glass of wine in each hand.

My eye snapped to Marissa. “What?” she said. “You asked me if I was home, not if I was alone.”

It was too much to handle at the moment. I had enough on my already overflowing plate.

“I’ll deal with this later,” I said, gesturing between the two of them. Turning my attention toward Colin. “Right now, you’re going to tell me
everything
.”

He walked over and handed each one of us a glass before taking a seat next to Marissa. “Well, Marissa told you most of it. Tanner promised he was going to tell you himself, although, I didn’t expect him to start off with a kiss.”

“It sounds like he got caught up in the moment,” Marissa chimed in.

“Does it matter why? I messed up. I don’t even know if I’m ready to do this again, especially considering what he does for a living.” The shudder that ran through my body spoke volumes.

“You can’t keep living your life afraid to get hurt. At some point you’re going to have to take a chance,” Marissa said, and my eyes dropped to the floor. The thought of not seeing Tanner again had me tied up in knots, but there was no way we could go back to just being friends. I had to make a choice. If I wanted to have Tanner in my life, I’d have to face my fears. But it wasn’t just fear keeping me in my seat. There was guilt…piles and piles of guilt. Somehow I’d convinced myself that by wanting to be with Tanner, I was betraying Nate and his memory.

“Danielle, go talk to him and see where it goes,” Colin suggested.

“Do you really think he’ll want to see me?”

“I think he’ll be extremely happy to see you, if you’re willing to give him a chance to show you how much he cares.”

I nodded. “Okay. Can you help me get on base?”

“Of course.” He turned to Marissa. “Do you mind if I take her over there? I’ll come back after I drop her off.”

“Hell yeah, I mind,” she said with a laugh. “I’m coming too. I want to make sure she actually goes up to his door.”

“Thanks for the vote of confidence,” I said. Although, she had a point.

“Anything for you, my dear,” she said with a wink.

A few minutes later we were piled in Colin’s car and headed to the base. Colin showed his ID at the gate and drove us back to where his apartment was. This was the only the second time I’d been on base since the funeral and my stomach churned a little at the memory, until my thoughts turned to Tanner. Colin parked the car and turned to face me. “I texted Greg before we left. He’s at the gym and will be for the next hour or so. That gives you two some time to talk.”

“Okay.” I reached out for the handle with shaking hands. This was going to be harder than I thought.

Marissa looked back. “You can do this.”

“I can do this,” I repeated, and climbed out of the car.

The walk to his door felt like it was miles long and my legs were close to buckling, especially when I got to his door, took a deep breath and knocked. There was movement inside the apartment and the door swung opened to reveal a disheveled Tanner, his hair sticking up in all directions, like he’d been running his hand through it. The clothes he’d worn earlier were gone, replaced with gym shorts and worn ARMY T-shirt. His eyes widened when he saw me. Without really thinking about what I was doing, I stepped up to him, forcing him to take a step backward.

“Danielle, now really isn’t a good time.”

This was it. It was now or never. I had to make my choice. Friend…or more? I lifted my eyes to his and my voice was shaking as I spoke.

“Kiss me again.”

There are times when going after what you want was worth all of the heartache it took to get there.

“What?”

I hadn’t heard her right. No way. There was no way she’d just asked me to kiss her. All of the alcohol I’d thrown back when I got home was messing with my brain.

“Kiss me again.” My mouth dropped open as she repeated herself, her voice softer than before but somehow more determined. Like she meant it.

Weighing up my options I realized I couldn’t make the situation any worse than I had earlier. The difference was this time she was
asking
me to kiss her. Taking a step toward her, I lowered my head until my lips brushed over hers and this time, instead of freezing, her lips parted and joined mine in the kiss.

And it felt like flying.

This woman, who I cared so much for, was in my arms. Her lips were soft. I let my hands wander. One trailed up her back and around her nape and the other slid around her waist, holding her tight to me.

There was a small voice in the back of my head taunting me.
She’s going to run as soon as you let her go
. I knew the voice was wrong. Danielle wasn’t a runner, and the fact that she’d come looking for me said it all. I slid my tongue across her bottom lip, tasting the sweetness of her lip-gloss. Her mouth opened. The feel of her warm tongue against mine had my pulse racing, my mind spinning.

With great reluctance I took my lips from hers, knowing that more than anything, we needed to talk. She needed to hear everything. Then, and only then, would I have the right to kiss her again. Keeping my arm wrapped around her, I reached up with my other hand to tuck her hair behind her ear. “Danielle, before I kiss you some more, which I’m dying to do, we need to talk.”

“I know we do.” Her solemn face made my palms start to sweat over what she might say.

“Do you want to sit?”

“Yeah, that would be good.” I dropped my hands, discreetly trying to wipe my palms on the fabric of my shorts as I led her into the living room. She took a seat on the couch and watched me.

“Can I get you something to drink?”

She shook her head. “No, thank you.”

Although I’d thought I was prepared for this conversation, I was not. She looked so angelic sitting there. Then the smirk rose up on her face and I realized that I was staring. “Tanner, come sit down,” she said, patting the seat next to her.

Rubbing the back of my neck, I walked over and sat down. She turned to face me. “Danielle, I—”

Her hand flew up to stop me. “How long?”

“For about two months now.” I closed my eyes, afraid to see the look on her face, when a small hand rested on my leg.

“You should have told me.”

“I know.”

“Tanner, please look at me.” When I opened my eyes, I noticed the flush that stained her cheeks. “Earlier, when you kissed me, I wasn’t ready for it. You surprised me, and up until that moment I’d never consciously thought about you in that way.” She sighed. “I guess what I’m saying was that kiss was a wake-up call for me. I knew that your presence in my life was like a breath of fresh air, but when you left me at my apartment after kissing me, I realized what I’d told you the other day was true—I really don’t know what I’d do without you in my life. This whole situation scares me more than I can put into words, but I want to try. If you can forgive me for the way I acted before—and you still want me—I’ll push my fears aside to be with you. Just like my heart is telling me to.”

Besides the part about her being afraid, this was everything I wanted to hear. “Why are you afraid? I won’t hurt you.”

Her eyes welled up. “I know you’d never hurt me intentionally, but you have a job that puts you in harm’s way every day. And that’s not even taking into consideration the fact that you guys have been home too long. It’s only a matter of time before they deploy you again.”

Cupping her face with my hands, I brushed away her tears with my thumbs. “You’re right, we have been home a long time. There are never any guarantees in life and I won’t make promises that I can’t keep, but what I do know is that when we get closer to deploying, the medics are pulled out for field training. That hasn’t happened yet. We can take this slow and hopefully, over time, I can help you overcome your fear.”

“Okay,” she whispered, and the softest smile tugged at her lips.

That simple word sent a shiver down my spine. Once again I leaned down to connect her lips with mine. And just like before in the entryway, her kiss robbed me of all thoughts of deployments and fears. All I could do was touch, taste, and smell her. Her scent wrapped around me, drawing me closer to her, and when she slid her hand up my chest and around the back of my neck I was lost.

I pulled free of the kiss. I’d just promised her we’d take it slow, and to be perfectly honest I was happy just to sit there with her in my arms, knowing that she felt the same way about me that I felt about her. She gave me an odd look when my lips left hers.

“I just want to hold you in my arms for a little while and talk if that’s okay with you.” She snuggled into my embrace and tucked her head under my chin, which was answer enough. “I’m sorry I drove away from you earlier. I just didn’t know what to say.”