Letters Home (21 page)

“I thought about this a lot—you, above all, know that. Before now, every time I’ve even thought about moving out, there was this voice in the back of my head screaming at me not to do it. Tonight that voice was quiet.”

I reached over to squeeze her hand, even though my body tensed against the feelings the simple touch brought with it. “If you need any help, you know where to find me.”

“I know.” She smiled. We sat there watching the game together, at least, until Marissa showed up.

“Hey, Tanner. What’s new?” She asked brightly.

“Same shit, different day.” I laughed.

“Okay, babe, it’s been a long day. I need a margarita, and you’re having one with me,” she said to Danielle.

“Twist my arm why don’t you.” Danielle smiled as she walked away but it didn’t reach her eyes. Whether she was putting on the show for Marissa or me, I wasn’t sure, but either way, I could guess she was worried about the idea of moving out but didn’t want anyone to know.

Not long after Danielle had gotten up, Greg came over and sat in her set.

“Hey, man, what’s up? Pretty good game, huh?” I said, trying to hide my preoccupation with Danielle.

“It is. Then again, I don’t think you even know who’s winning.”

“Of course I—”

“Does she know?” he asked staring at me intently.

I had a pretty good guess what he was talking about, but I wasn’t giving in that easily. “Does who know what?”

He rolled his eyes at me. “Does Danielle know how you feel about her?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I kept my eyes on the game, hoping he’d take that answer and leave it alone, but I should have known I wasn’t that lucky. Not even the sound of everyone else cheering distracted him as he continued to sit and stare at me, waiting. Running my fingers through my hair and down my face, I tried to find the right answer.

“Uh…she uh…” I shook my head, deciding to give up and tell the truth. “No she doesn’t know, and I want to keep it that way. The better question is, how did
you
know?”

“I have eyes, for crying out loud. I can see the way you look at her. Not to mention that every time you spoke to each other just now, your heads moved closer and closer.”

I groaned. Damn I hadn’t even noticed us doing that. “Do you think she noticed?”

He shrugged his shoulders. “Maybe, maybe not. But if she has, she’s doing a damn good job of hiding it.”

“Shit. This is a mess. How could I fall for Nate’s widow?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” he said with a hint of sarcasm. “You only spend every waking moment when you’re not at work with her. Besides, why does it have to be a bad thing? She’s beautiful, smart, and funny. She also deserves happiness. Why can’t she find it with you?”

“Because it doesn’t feel right. Her husband was a member of our unit. A brother. It just feels wrong to go after his widow. So just drop it.”

“Whatever you say, man. But I think you’re being an idiot.” He shook his head, got up, and walked over to sit on the other side of the room.

About twenty minutes later, Danielle and Marissa reappeared with their drinks and Danielle took the seat next to me again, except this time I paid special attention to every move she made, just to make sure she was okay. It didn’t matter what Greg thought. Letting Danielle know about my feelings for her was wrong, and it was my job to keep them locked away.

But that was easier said than done.

A few weeks later I found myself spending one of my days off looking at apartments. When I’d said that Danielle was determined, I’d had no idea just how determined. She jumped right into apartment hunting with both feet, researching the best areas, the easiest commute to work, and just the general layout of her options. She’d viewed a ton of places, but had narrowed it down to three and for some reason, she asked me to come along to the appointments, saying she wanted my opinion on them. I tried to tell her that what I thought didn’t matter and she needed to choose which one she liked the best, but that didn’t work so well. She resorted to begging, claiming that she needed to know which one I liked before she chose. Little did she know, it wouldn’t take very much to convince me. It was almost as if she’d recognized that our relationship was changing, but was too scared to face it.

But despite my show of disinterest, it was Danielle asking, so of course I went.

We were standing in the last place she had to visit. It was weird listening to Danielle talk about where to put the furniture and what she could do with the different rooms, almost like it was up to the two of us. My mind kept conjuring images of a time when we could do exactly that, which didn’t go a long way in making a difficult situation any better. I was doing my best to keep our relationship purely platonic. Except, how could I when she was sending me mixed signals?

“Do you like this one?” she asked, still looking around the kitchen.

“It doesn’t matter if I like it. Do you like it?”

She turned and shoved me in the shoulder. “It does matter. What do you think?”

Telling her what to do made me feel uneasy, yet at the same time it made me long for a day that Danielle and I might have a chance at being a real couple. It was getting harder and harder to keep my feelings for her to myself. When I still hadn’t answered, she gave me her sad “puppy dog” eyes, the ones I couldn’t resist no matter how hard I tried.

“I like it, but the first one had bigger bedrooms.”

“I know, I really liked the bathroom in that one too. It’s just…I love the way the kitchen is set up in this one.”

“Which is more important? Sleeping, or eating?”

She plunked her hands on her hips. “I’m a girl, both are equally important, especially if we’re talking about baked goods.” After a moment of thought, she turned to the real estate agent. “When is the earliest I can move into the first place we looked at?”

“Let me check,” he said, pulling out his phone. “I’ll be right back.” He stepped out of the kitchen, leaving us alone.

“Why did you go with that one?” I asked, nervous to hear her answer.

“You said it had bigger bedrooms.”

“You don’t have to go with what I said. It’s your apartment.
You
have to love it, not me.”

“What you think matters to me, Tanner.”

That one phrase had me reaching out to take hold of her hand but just in time I realized what I was about to do and pulled my hand back. What was I thinking? This was another reason I hadn’t been sure about coming with her. Over the last few weeks she’d been saying…
things
. Hinting at something more. For the most part, I was able to control my reactions, having a pretty good feeling that I was reading more into it than was there. I avoided physical contact with her as much as I could without offending her, afraid of what might happen. I shifted, uncomfortably, from one foot to the other, wanting to get out of there. Hopefully, there was more to her choice then what I thought about the apartment. It just wouldn’t feel right if she picked something based solely on what I thought.

The real estate agent came back in the room a few minutes later. “They owner says you can move in Thursday, but he will need the security deposit by Tuesday to secure it.”

“That I can do. Tell him I’ll take it,” she said, her hand coming up to her mouth to bite her nails.

My reaction was immediate. “Can we have a moment?” I said to the real estate agent.

“Of course. I’ll just be in the other room if you need me.” When he stepped out of the room, I took Danielle by the shoulders and turned her to face me.

“You don’t have to do this. If you’re not ready to move out, don’t do it.”

“I’m ready.”

“Then why did you start biting your nails as soon as you told him you’d take it?”

She looked down at her hands, away from me. “Because I’m nervous. I’m afraid to be alone.”

Placing my finger under her chin I guided her face back to mine. “Danielle, you have to know by now that you will never be alone.”

She nodded. “I know, but that doesn’t make it any less scary.”

“You always know where to find me, if you need to,” I said, trying to not get lost in her eyes.

She wrapped her arms around my waist and pulled me into a hug. “Thank you, Tanner. I really don’t know what I would do without you.”

Her simple touch stole my breath. There was nothing I could say to that without telling her how I felt so, instead, I rested my chin on her head and held her, torturing myself with the smell of her perfume. It wrapped around me like vines, almost choking me with its beautiful scent. I was starting to realize that there was going to come a point where I’d either have to tell her, or I’d have to walk away—if only for self-preservation.

The real estate agent came back into the kitchen to see if we were ready. Danielle stepped out of my arms and the feeling of emptiness was crushing. That same feeling was why I avoided touching her as much as possible. My mind and body always missed her when she walked away. She told him she still wanted the first apartment.

“I’ll call him today and get all of the paperwork for you to sign. Everything should be ready by Tuesday morning if you want to bring the check for the security deposit with you?”

Even though she was still picking at her fingernails, a small smile played at the edges of her lips. “That works for me. I’ll call you Monday morning to check in.”

He reached out to shake her hand. “Thank you, Ms. Renton.”

I don’t think anyone noticed Danielle’s flinches when someone used her last name. They were so slight that you’d really have to focus to notice. Then again, I was focused on everything about her. She’d done it the first time I met her and was still doing it almost four months later. We followed the real estate agent out in silence, me still thinking about her reaction to someone using her last name and how it didn’t bode well for me. There was no doubt in my mind that it was because of a connection to Nate’s death, except, I didn’t understand why it would bother her so much. She was the one who’d chosen to change her name back.

On the way back to her brother’s place we stopped by the office supply store to pick up boxes. She wanted to start packing right away—that way she could move her stuff in on Saturday. Or at least, that is what she said. I think the real reason had to do with her getting it done before she changed her mind. By the time we got home she’d convinced Colin, Marissa, Greg, her friend Tina from work, myself, and her brother to help her move the following weekend.

Since our friendship had begun we’d spent a few nights a week together, but from the moment she decided on an apartment I spent every night at her place, packing and labeling stuff ready to be moved. Apparently, when she moved out of the home she’d shared with Nate she hadn’t bothered with a storage unit—opting to keep everything in Liam’s basement. We went through all of the stuff down there, deciding what she would keep and what she wanted to get rid of. By the time Saturday morning arrived we had all of her belongings ready to be packed up into the U-Haul and my truck.

The day moved quickly. The first thing we did was bring everything in and put the boxes in the room they belonged in. Danielle had been meticulous in her labeling, which sped things up, and by midday the truck had been returned, and it was time to start unpacking boxes. We were all exhausted. Danielle had already labeled where she wanted everything to go so we each took a room and started to unpack. After a week in Danielle’s company I needed some breathing space and volunteered to take the spare bedroom by myself. Every moment I spent with her was tearing me up inside. The feelings I had didn’t want to be contained anymore. I wanted to shout from the highest mountaintop how I felt about her. Thoughts of her reaction were all that stopped me. It had started to feel like a vice was squeezing my chest and I couldn’t breathe. I wasn’t sure how much more I could take.

Each box I emptied felt like it took hours. I put the things away without paying any real attention to what I was doing, thoughts of Danielle consuming me. Eventually, Marissa popped her head in to see if I wanted something to eat. She and Tina were going out to pick up pizza and beer, which would have sounded great under any other circumstances. Since I didn’t want to get into a discussion about what was on my mind, I agreed and went back to unpacking when they left. The sooner we got it all done, the sooner I could get out of there to try and clear my head.