Kimber (14 page)

 “Kimber!”

“Shhhh.”

“Kimber,
wait!” He effortlessly breaks himself free from my grasps. “We can’t do this.
You’re not ready.” He says looking into my eyes.

 “This
morning I wasn’t. Now I am.”

“It’s
not right. You’ve been drinkin’.”

 “Don’t
question it Luke.” My heart knows he is right but my body will not listen.
“Just relax.” I coax him back down to me. It’s only a matter of minutes before
I can tell that he is as lost in the moment as I am.

Throwing
questions and reasons out, my fingers trace the lines of his chest as he scoops
one hand under my back. I feel him gently motion for me to lift my back and I
do without thinking. He pulls at the strings behind my back. I reach down,
untie his board shorts and free the velcro beneath the strings. His mouth
traces my shoulder as his free hand unties the strings behind my neck. I glide
my hands down the ridges of his back and down to his board shorts, then shimmy
them slowly over his hips.  

Suddenly
he stops, lifts himself on to  his forearms and with an unreadable expression
and jagged breath says, “I love you.”

My
libido takes a plunge into sobriety. He nuzzles my neck but all I feel is all
sorts of wrong. 

“Wait!”
I whisper before his hands can go any further south.

He
freezes and I know I’ve pushed him too far. He straightens his arms hovering
over me as he stares down into my eyes. The air between us more intimate now
than a moment ago. He breaks away to stand beside the bed, back facing me as he
adjusts his shorts then leaves the cabin.

 I
lay here, ashamed and judged as a disappointment. I don’t even know if I can
walk back up to the deck to face him. If it wasn’t my birthday, I might be able
to hide out in the cabin for at least a little while before my absence became
noticed. But it is my birthday and I know I only have a couple minutes to
gather enough composure to put a smile on my face and get back out there.  I
fix my top, take the braid out of my hair and tell myself a few lies before
opening the door.

“Am
I your toy?” Luke asks. His unexpected appearance on the outside of the door
surprises me. “‘Cause you play with me, you know you do and I don’t have the
restraint to keep pulling back. It’s driving me crazy.”

The
emotions pour from him as he stands in front of me. The pain and uncertainty on
his face tears at my heart.

“I’m
so sorry Luke.” I reach for him but he steps back.

“If
you want to be with me, I have to know you feel the same way. This can’t be one
sided anymore.”

“What
are you saying?”

“Do
you love me?”

I
go blank. I can’t explain it. Out of sea of emotions, that one is missing. I
like him, why can’t I love him?

He
turns to walk away finding an answer in my hesitation. I step forward, grabbing
him by the back of his arm.  

“Luke.”

 “I
need to clear my head. I need to get away from you.”

 
“That’s it then. It’s over?” I ask foolishly, of course it is.

“It
won’t affect the rest of your birthday.” He says before leaving me standing in
the hallway feeling utterly crushed.

 I
slam the door. Confused with anger I fall onto the bed. I curse into the pillow
pissed that I had allowed myself to delusively conjure benefits I’d get out of
dating a friend. I burry my head in the pillow and, wishing I loved him, mourn
the fact that I don’t.

            “Kimber!
We’re here! Did you change yet?” Robin calls from outside the door. I’m not
sure if I should respond but out of fear of everyone coming to check on me, I
open the door for Robin. “Oh sweetie! What’s wrong?”

“I
don’t want to talk about it.”

“It
might help. You look like you need a good talk.”

“I
just want to go home.” Worry strikes her face. She clearly remembers how I like
to lock myself away when things are too hard for me to handle.

“Kimber,
talk to me.”

I
take a chance hoping it will relieve some of the pressure and maybe feel a
little better having someone understand. I don’t replay the whole scene for
Robin but explain just enough for her to understand Luke is the victim of the
breakup.

“Still
Kimber, it’s your birthday. What a jerk!”

 “Birthday
or not, it’s all my fault. Please don’t tell anyone. I don’t want a pity
party.”

“I
won’t but your swollen eyes might. I’m going to grab an ice pack. Amber said
your clothes are in the drawer.” Robin points to a small dresser.

When
she returns with the ice pack to heal my swollen eyes she grabs makeup from her
purse to hide the dark circles under them.

I
slip into the coral mini dress Amber also bought for me, with shoes and put my
hair half up and the other half down. I give myself one last look. I may be
torn on the inside but according to Robin, I’m smoking hot on the outside.

 Just
as Joel and Tommy are yelling for me to hurry, Robin and I emerge from the
lower cabin. The sun is just about to set. The sky is a mixture of purple and
pink.

“Welcome
to Miami!” Tiffany and Amber yell out.

“Miami.”
I say wishing Luke would look at me but he doesn’t.

Like
me he appears better on the outside. He makes it off the boat first and to my
surprise, or just to hold the facade of things being normal, he helps me off
the boat. Once I’m on land, he releases my hand.

            We walk
around the Miami strip until we find a popular restaurant to eat at. Once
again, for reasons I am not sure of Luke pulls my chair out for me and takes a
seat next to me.

            When I
think no one is looking I whisper to him, “You don’t have to sit next to me if
you don’t want to.”

“Guess
I’m a glutton for punishment.” The right side of his mouth rises in a smirk.

Besides
the awkwardness between Luke and I the rest of dinner goes great. After we pay
the bill, we head out to check some of Miami’s finest nightclubs.

            My sympathy
for Luke reaches its end when I spot him dancing way too close with a blond
who’s hair color is as fake as her boobs. Jealously kicks in and I just can’t
take it anymore. I mean really! What is this, eighth grade?

            I pull him
away from his slutty new dance partner making sure to give her the nastiest
look of disgust I can manage. Whether he likes it or not I lead us outside the
nightclub.

“Really
Luke! What the hell! Are you that desperate to get some you have to dry hump
trash on the dance floor? If you’re going to go back to old habits, a heads up would’ve
been nice.”

I
want some sort of reaction. I have cried, felt guilty and all he has done is
stay his great guy self until now. Then he laughs at me. He laughs hard like I
have just told a joke with a hilarious punch line.

“What?”
I snap.

“I
invested everythin’ in you and ended up empty handed. I gave you parts of me I
didn’t even know I had. I loved you. Did you hear that? … I loved you. You want
a heads up, well considered it delivered.” Sarcasm drips from his words. I know
I do not deserve to be babied but the emotional feedback I get from Luke sparks
a blazing rage in me.

“Have
you gone stupid? Do you not remember what this year has been like for me? And
when did there become deadlines on loving someone? All it is with you is when,
when, when! I do care about you but I care about me, my well being and making
me happy first far more.”

His
eyes narrow. I know I have hurt him but how deeply I do not know. I do not
wonder for long. He is quick with a comeback.

“When
are you gonna let go? You can’t hide behind what happened to your mother
forever! You can’t use it as an excuse for every out you need to find in life.
Our dating has nothin’ to do with Marie. Our relationship should have been a
way for you to move forward with me. Yet, here you are. Pulling at the past to
explain the present.”

I’m
flushed and blazing with anger before he finishes speaking. I reach back and
with every ounce of force I have I slap him across his face. His head jerks
left from the impact. Slowly turning back to me Luke rubs his cheek, much like
I rub my stinging hand.

“Finally!
A little emotion.” He says as I start to turn away but I stop. I know this is
the end of our friendship. Nevertheless, I can’t turn and walk away. I’ll only
wish I had said something. I spin back around on my heel.

“You
sonofabitch! You knew what she meant to me. I don’t know how I could’ve known
you all this time and never saw you for what you really are. A self-absorbed
jackass! I’m sorry I ever wasted my time on you.”

 “Me!”
He calls out stepping closer. “You’re the one draggin’ her memory through the
mud. You’re so stuck on yourself you can’t even see what’s good for you. You’re
too busy lookin’ for the bad. I love you Kimber! It may not fill the hole but
it’s real.”

“I
don’t need your love.” I say shaking my head as tears form in my eyes.

“Of
course you don’t. That would entail you actually leaving your masochistic
shell. But even after all this, when you’re ready for somethin’ not so dark in
your life, I’ll still be here.” 

“
Go
to Hell
.” I hiss at him. His expression hardens. He says nothing more as he
turns away from me and heads back inside the club.

How
many times can I be wrong about the same person? All I feel for him now is
hate. I can’t believe Luke would say those things to me. I lower my head,
squeeze my eyes shut allowing the tears to fall and quickly whip them from my
cheeks. I can’t find a reason to continue to celebrate the worst birthday I
have ever had. I hail a taxi and head back to the marina. Everything today was
supposed to stand for has faded. The pain is back. The tears have fallen.

“STUPID!
FRICKIN! HEEL!”

I’m
strung so tight I could spontaneously combust at any moment. I stand here, on
the poorly lit dock, the heel of my stiletto stuck in a hole, not sure this day
could get any worse but positive it’ll find a way.

“Come…on!”
I wiggle and yank my shoe but it doesn’t budge. I even take a few swings at it
with my other shoe.

“Need
some help?”

I
flinch but before I can turn to see my mysterious helper, he’s right there,
bending down and effortlessly retrieves my shoe.

“Thanks.”

I
take my shoe and glimpse up at him. My heart skips a few beats as he stands in
front of me. He keeps his head down but even without seeing his face I’d bet
he’s breathtakingly gorgeous. There’s a certain allure about him. His dirty
blond hair is tousled and messy in all the right ways. He’s tall and muscular
like a soccer player would be. He keeps his hands in the pockets of his jeans.

I
know some logical part of me should be afraid but I’m not. He’s the type of
predator that can lure his pray, easily. I’m not sure what’s suppose to happen
next but I don’t move or attempt to.

“Are
you from around here?”
Ugh, my mouth is vomiting lameness?

 He
shakes his head in response.

“Vacation?”

 He
shakes his head again.

Ok,
this is going nowhere fast. I look, I mean really look at him this time. His
face he hides but his body is ridged, as if with every second he has to keep
himself in check. It’s freaky.

“Ok,
well, thanks for my shoe.” I say turning to walk away. I make a mental note to
scold myself later.

“Wait.”
He calls out.

What
the hell is wrong with me?
I ask myself as my feet stop and I
stand still. Am I that desperate to be noticed or possibly slaughtered?

“Will
you come with me?” He asks validating my suspicion.

“I
can’t…my friends.” I shake my head. Why am I explaining this to him? I turn
around to face him. He hasn’t moved an inch. His body looks anxious, but for
what? “Look, thanks for savin’ my shoe but, I don’t know you, so no. Have a
good night.”

“You
could, remember me…if you wanted to.”

“What?”

“It’s
like amnesia. You just need to know where to look.” His hazel eyes flicker to
mine. He’s testing me.

“People
don’t just contract amnesia.”
OhmyGod.
“Leo?”

The
name catches him off guard but it all makes sense. He turns and finally faces
me. It feels like every step he takes towards me is in slow motion. This feels
wrong, sketchy.
Run!
Something inside me screams. Before I can think
better of it, I do.   

 I
pass boat after boat until they all look alike. I can’t remember a single
detail of the yacht. The more I run the harder it gets to breath.
Dammit!
Why is there never anyone around when you need them!

I
round a corner and see my escape. I’ve reached the other end of the marina. My
lungs protest and every breath is a wheezing battle.