Kimber (10 page)

“Jeeze,
Flash. What’d you grab, just your tooth brush?” I say with a smile as I open
the front door.

“Tooth
brush, I knew I forgot something.” He jokes before kissing the top of my head.
He plops onto the love seat. “Is that all you’re bringing?”

             “Yeah.
It’s not like we’re staying long. Are we staying long?” I ask raising an
eyebrow. I figured our mini vacation would be three, four days max.

“We’ll
stay as long as you want.”

As
I take a seat next to him, Luke pulls me down onto his lap and wraps his arms
around me.

“Did
you book the flight already?”

His
brow creases and I know bad news is coming.“All I could get on short notice was
two cancellation seats for tomorrow morning. We gotta’ leave a little after
five.”

“Five,
as in
a.m
.? Which in airport time really means three, in the morning.” I
whine and throw my head back.

“Sorry.”
He says taking his arm from around me. He looks at me warily and takes a
defensive posture.

“Relax.
I’ll peel myself out of bed somehow. I really appreciate you coming with me. I
just hope we can find her.”

“It
won’t be as hard as you think Kimber. Look, Marie once mentioned Lena to me.
She said somethin’ about the Adirondacks. I don’t think there’ll be too many
nut houses on the mountain.”

The
thought of a nut house  is anything but comforting. I can’t think of a reason
my mother would ever mention Lena to Luke when she hardly spoke of her to me. I
just hope my father was wrong and that whatever might be wrong with Lena isn’t
that serious.

Luke
tucks back in his arms. Any evidence of our explosive fight and almost breakup is
gone. He pushes a loose strand of hair behind my ear and his hand lingers there.
His eyes meet mine. His hand caresses my neck. The tension is electric.
Kiss
me!
I scream in my head and as if he heard me, he does.

      For the next hour
we stay tangled in each other on the couch. Our lips not willing to break free.
Our hands able to explore the soft touch of one another’s skin. It’s when
Luke’s hands try to explore a part of me I’m not ready for, that I pull away.
With a wild need, Luke’s eyes questions me, his breath heavy he asks, “You ok?”

“Yeah.
Maybe we could slow down a little.”

His
body loosens from around me as he eases away. “I’m sorry. I got lost in the
moment. You’re not easy to resist.” He says running his hand down the side of
my face.

I
know I’m not just another girl to him. Being with a guy sexually is like
foreign territory for me. Though I’m sure Luke has hit all the sexual bases and
doubled back a few extra times.

“I’m
sorry.” I say watching as Luke pulls his shirt back over his sculpted torso. He
stands holding his hand out for me to take. Happily I do. 

“Don’t
ever be sorry.”

      With the
awkwardness out of the way, we spend the rest of our day at the house watching
movies, order pizza and play on the Wii. Not getting carried away, Luke steals
kisses every time he lets me win.

When
night finally falls, I’m relieved that Luke offers to crash on the couch. I
can’t help but wonder if it’s a test to see if I will let him in my bed. I hold
my ground and stand by my decision. I bring him pillows and a blanket. I can’t
lie to myself though as he stands by the couch when I say goodnight. The sight
of him in solid navy blue pajama pants, bare chest and tousled hair has me
questioning myself. His years of playing football and a vigorous workout
routine are evident on his tall, lean, defined muscular body.
No! Snap out
of it
, I order myself. I hug and kiss him quickly, run away from the
temptation and head back up to my room.

THE
CLOCK READS twelve forty six. Maybe it’s the anticipation of the day ahead.
Maybe it’s the way Luke looked. Maybe it’s the nagging sick feeling I have at
the bottom of my gut. I consider all this as I stare at the ceiling, bathed in
pale moon light.

Twelve
fifty one.

Twelve
fifty nine.

One
ten.

Fed
up and sure sleep is no longer an option I go down stairs for a glass of water.
Luke’s passed out on the couch. Face in the cushions.

There’s
an infomercial on TV. Even though I won’t buy it, much less care what it is, I
still stand and watch as the salesman proclaims the mop he’s selling can absorb
any liquid.

Then
I see it out of the corner of my eye. I know I shouldn’t but that does not stop
my mind from running free with all sorts of different ideas and curiosity. An
internal battle of right and wrong carries on in my head as I stare at it. It
stares right back. I can’t help myself. It’s like the time I discovered where
my mom hid all the Christmas presents. I’m no better at controlling myself now
than I was then. I can’t help it.

I
move in slow and quiet, reach down to the coffee table and retrieve Luke’s cell
phone. I take it back upstairs into my bedroom.

There’s
no complexity in unlocking Luke’s phone. I trace the dots in a L shape. I don’t
let myself think of this as an intrusion or a violation of some girlfriend
code. I simply need it.  But needing it doesn’t over shadow the annoyance as I
scroll through names like Amanda, Casey, Erica, and Lizzy. Girls I do not know.
Girls I do not care to wonder how Luke knows. My heart accelerates and I feel a
tingling sensation of adrenalin as I finally come across the name I’m looking
for.

“This
is crazy. I don’t even know if it’s him.” I whisper. I take a chance, select
his name and push the call button. If I can just hear his voice maybe it’ll jog
my memory, or even better, hear him say my name. I press the phone against my
ear.  First ring. Second ring. Third ring. “Just hang up.” I tell myself,
letting the loser in me take over, but it’s too late. Before the fourth ring
can finish he answers.

His
voice is low, raspy, like he just woke up. The moment is overwhelming. “Hey
man. What’s—” He pauses.

I
freeze, the only part of me moving is my stammering heart. My mouth is dry,
throat tight. I should have thought this through.

“I’ve
been missin’ you in ways you can’t possibly conceive. I hate this. That every
day just means it’s another day I can’t see your face, hear your laugh, or
touch your skin. I had my doubts whether you would remember.” Leo says in
sadness.

My
head swims in a foggy haze at the sound of his voice. I snap out of it quickly,
reminded that if my heart could see fit to find purpose, it wouldn’t be for
love. The thought of Leo, it doesn’t settle in my heart. It’s like a faded
memory in the back of my mind. I had loved. I had loved the most important
person in my life and then, I suffered the loss. I will not go through that
again. Not for anyone. 

“Leo?”
I ask barely audible. “What did you do?” My question surprises me. I thought
there would be more to it but my mouth just stops.

“Do
you trust me Kimber?” Leo asks out of nowhere. It feels like a loaded question.
In a physical sense, I do not know Leo but mentally, it feels like we have
spent lifetimes together. “It’s ok.” He says before I can answer. “Maybe I
taught you a thing or two after all.” He pauses. Maybe he’s waiting for me to
say something. I don’t. “How are you?”

I
take a deep breath and with a whoosh of air spill the words out before I can
take them back.

“Leo,
I have this need living inside of me. I can’t remember you or make any rational
sense of anything.” I stop hating that I sound forward, desperate and needy. 

“Kimber,
I’m not coming back. What you think is real, isn’t. I can’t undo what I’ve
done, so learn to hate me and move forward.” 

“I
don’t know what you’ve done but I won’t hate you just because you tell me to.”

“I’ve
lied and hidden things from you. I left the night before your mother’s memorial
because I couldn’t look at you anymore and see what I wanted.” His words
puncher a hole through the middle of me.  

I
pull the phone away from my ear and stare at it. I don’t know what angers me
more, his insult or how shitty and narcissistic he wants me to believe he is.
Either way he gets what he wants. I bite back as any other girl would. Low and
swift.

“Well
thanks for the favor. It’s good to know when I’ve wasted my time. Now I can
focus on a real relationship with Luke, a man who looks at me and actually sees
what he wants.” Sure, I might be using what Luke said about his friendship with
Leo to my advantage and I know what kind of girl that makes me, but he called
war first.

I
didn’t expect Leo’s change in battle tactic so soon. As he speaks his voice turns
dark, irritated. “Luke.” He spits the name out as if it gives him a bad
taste.  

“Yeah
Luke. I do have needs, Leo.” I hadn’t figured out what they were yet but I’m
sure I have them. “I need someone who won’t repeat past mistakes and walk out
on me.”

“That
dipstick cares about one thing, himself.” I don’t know if it’s the term
dipstick or the Aussie-
ish
accent he uses when saying it, that throws me
off.

“What?”
I’ve lost track of the topic. His accent stirs something in me.

“
I’ve known Luke a long time. He’ll put on a good show but he’ll drop you when he
realizes he can’t truly have you.”

“Really.
I have no idea what it is…why I feel like I do with you but I’m sorry for it.
You’re like a bipolar freak with a bad Australian accent.”

“New
Zealand, aroha. Keep thinking that way and we’ll both be safe. I gotta’ go.”

 Frustrated
I drop the phone onto the bed. My mind goes blank. I was a fool to think this
would help. I’ve seen enough chick flicks to know the whole, I’ve done
something and need you to hate me so I can feel better
,
plot. Only I
can’t figure out the reason behind it all. How atrocious was our relationship
that he’d take off and leave me the night before my mother’s memorial? What
kind of evil does that? And what the hell does aroha mean?

I
grab my laptop from the dresser and once my Google home page pops up I type in,
Aroha.
I don’t need to click on a link. The definition is already there.

Aroha:
meaning love in Maori, New Zealand.

 
If
my heart was capable of swooning on cue, it would.

I
erase the call from the call log on Luke’s phone. I creep back down the stairs.
Luke lies in the same position as before. I slip his phone back on the coffee
table and leap back up the stairs. Just as my foot clears the last step, I hear
the alarm on Luke’s phone go off. I hop back in my bed and fake a deep sleep,
waiting for him to come and wake me.

OUR
FLIGHT LEAVES on time. We have a two-hour layover in Nashville and then shoot
straight to New York. During the flight, my conscience tries to guilt me into
telling Luke about my call to Leo. But I keep it locked behind tight lips,
still confused and overwhelmed.  

Once
we’re off the plane, all we have to go on is that my aunt lives somewhere in
the Adirondacks, in a small town between Lake Placid and Saranac Lake.

We
grab our bags and head to the rental car desk. I’ve only been out of Florida
once when I was a child. I do not recall seeing mountains. In Florida, every small
hill here or there is manmade. So when the car woman pulls out a map and gives
Luke instructions, I start to feel uneasy. I hate heights! Luke takes my hand
and leads me to our car.

“Alright
over there?” He asks.

“I
don’t think I like mountains. Let alone going up one. What if the car topples
over and we fall off? What if a boulder comes crashing down and smashes us? Or
worse, the car breaks down?”

I
could ramble on. I could form a laundry list of reasons why the color of my
face is becoming green. Luke runs his hand down my arm to my hand and wraps his
fingers in mine. I know it’s ok to let go. Ok to feel safe with him in the
driver’s seat. He smiles at me with his soft blue eyes and kisses my worry away.

               The road
is narrow but thankfully nearly empty of passing cars. Massively tall and full
green trees line the road on both sides. White snow speckles their branches and
covers the mountain terrain. It is an amazing sight to see snow for the first
time. Every now and again, there is a clearing and I catch a glimpse of the
majestic white peaks of the mountains. Never have I seen anything so magical. A
part of me feels insignificant compared to the vast open ridges of rock
surrounding me. Out of my window, I catch a glimpse of a small brook amid the
woods carved out over small rocks. Everything, from the crisp clean air to the sight
of frozen waterfalls as we pass by is mesmerizing. Back in Florida the beaches
are beautiful, the sunsets are moving, the ocean is endless, and the hurricanes
give you an importance and appreciation for life. Being on this mountain, I
realize the world expands so much farther than my home town. There is so much
more than just hot weather and sand to offer.