It's So Hard To Type With A Gun In My Mouth (35 page)

I had backed away from the backyard images and was going God knows where when suddenly, out of the darkness, a cat sprang onto the screen door and hung there for dear life. She was calling for help and I screamed to my mother. "Momma! Look." And suddenly the house grew quiet as all eyes focused on the miracle of the back door screen. My father ran to the door and opened it. The cat came flying in. It brushed up against me and was making this humming sound I would later learn was called a "purr." I remember my heart soaring. My dreams had been answered; I had something that loved me.... And that's where the memory ends. The photo album closes as if it were cut off by a huge paper cutter. I don't know what happened to that cat. It didn't stay with us. I never had a pet growing up but I do remember that tabby and the happiness it brought me in the midst of my parent's fight. It would be the first of many fights I would witness, battles that would draw blood and would forever color the edges of my personality. But for now, I will remember the cat that showed me love on the night my parents were unable to. I will remember the photo and put it in my album of memories. I'll see it with protective corners that hold it in place and I'll write in white ink on a black page. "How it all began"; the first of many memory photos that will form my life.

AUGUST 25, 2006
- DOLLY PARTON

Last night was Carole White's birthday and so a few friends took her out to dinner. She wanted to go to Orso, a restaurant I had never heard of but what the hell, I went.  I am seated at my table and look up. Neil Simon with his wife Elaine Joyce are seated directly across the aisle. I turn to my left and Carol Cook is seated with Nancy Sinatra. Kevin Carlisle walks by, "Kevin!" I shout... Kevin was Barry Manilow's choreographer and did a shit-load of TV in the 60's.  We are eating our meal when Carole says, "Look" and Clint Eastwood takes the table on the other side of us. Only in LA could a room be filled with legends and no one gives a flying fuck! Last week I went to a  dot mac class at the Apple Store. Elliot Gould sat behind me... no one even farted in his direction. What a town!

OK so I was going to write about opening for Dolly Parton at the Roxy here in LA. It was her debut for the industry and I had signed with her manager. He was putting me on the bill as sort of gift with purchase hoping I would click when Dolly did. But, they did nothing to promote or prepare me , it was all about Dolly and rightly so, she was the emerging star, I was just a dime a dozen comic.   I was going to write this whole thing about opening night but then I remembered that I had used that experience in a play I wrote and so, I'm going to try something different today. I'm going to print that scene and let you guys read the script.

Here's how to read a script.  The Character's name is in all caps,  their dialogue follows right below. Stage directions tell you what is going on on the stage. INT = INTERIOR, meaning the scene takes place inside.

Here's the set up.  The play is a series of flashbacks. The main character, Harvey, talks to the audience between the flashbacks. He's in a straight jacket the entire play.  This scene is right before Dolly's opening. Harvey has come early to get settled and he meets Dolly's assistant, Marla.

INT. BACKSTAGE - AFTERNOON

A SIGN ON THE BACKSTAGE WALL READS, "THE ROXY PRESENTS DOLLY PARTON" SUDDENLY, A SHORT EFFICIENT WOMAN ENTERS WITH A CLIP BOARD. SHE IS SHOUTING ORDERS.  

MARLA

...Peter, make sure the follow spot is working. I don't

want that fucker arcing during the show. (beat) Mark!

Mark did you get in touch with Dolly's wig person?

There's a problem with her natural look. It doesn't

look natural. (beat) Richard...(growls) just get

away from me.

HARVEY ENTERS DRESSED IN A T-SHIRT AND JEANS. HE CARRIES A GARMENT BAG OVER HIS SHOULDER.

MARLA (VENOM)

Who are you?

HARVEY

Harvy Daniels.

MARLA

The caterer? The Driver? The...?

HARVEY

Opening act.

MARLA

Do you do tit jokes? Don't do tit jokes. Don't

mention Dolly. Don't mention her tits.  Do fifteen

minutes of clean tit-less material and don't say

fuck. I hate it when effing comedians say fuck.

This is Dolly's night and we don't want anything

to go wrong. Do I make myself clear?

HARVEY NODS. SHE CHECKS HER WATCH.

MARLA

Why are you here so early?

HARVEY

I like to get the vibes of the room before I go on.

MARLA

The show isn't for nine hours.

HARVEY

If you could just tell me where my dressing

room is, I'll get out of your way...

MARLA

Dressing room?  You don't have a dressing

room. Dolly has sixteen people in her show and

we need space for the wigs.

HARVEY

Her hair has my room?

MARLA

You have a problem with that?

HARVEY

Well, its just that...this is a very important night

for me and I thought I'd have a dressing room.

MARLA

Important to YOU!!! Eddy...

HARVEY

Harvey.

MARLA

Whatever.  This is Dolly's first time in L.A..

Andy has every important industry person in the

city filling those seats. There's  two hundred

tickets and six hundred guests. I've got a bus on

Sunset with no permit. Two of the back up

singers have jury duty and YOU WANT A

DRESSING ROOM?????

HARVEY

Where should I get dressed then?

MARLA

AT HOME!!!

BLACK OUT

LIGHTS UP

INT. BACKSTAGE - LATER

HARVEY IS PACING IN A STORAGE ROOM. BEER CASES ARE PACKED TO THE CEILING. HIS WIFE SITS ON A CASE OF BEER DOING HER NAILS. A SINGLE LIGHT HANGS FROM A WIRE OVER THE ONLY CHAIR. HARVEY PACES. HE STOPS.

HARVEY

This is not how I thought it was going to be!!!

THE DOOR TO THE STORAGE ROOM OPENS. THE STAGE HAND STICKS HIS HEAD IN.

STAGE HAND (A LA SOPRANOS)

We need the chair.

HARVEY

WHAT!!!

STAGE HAND

We need the chair.

HARVEY

You're not taking my chair.

STAGE HAND

Yes, I am.

HARVEY

Listen!!! This is MY storage room and

NO ONE ...you hear me...NO ONE is taking my

chair.

STAGE HAND

Oh no?

THE STAGE HAND GRABS THE CHAIR AND EXITS.

BLACK OUT

LIGHT UP

INT.
BACKSTAGE - LATER

HARVEY IS PACING BY THE BACK OF THE ROXY STAGE CURTAIN. HE'S RUNNING OVER HIS ACT, STAGE HAND ENTERS.

STAGE HAND

Five minutes, Eddy!

HARVEY

Harvy.

HIS PACING QUICKENS. A VERY SHOW BIZ KIND OF GUY APPROACHES. HE HAS A BEARD, OPEN SHIRT AND LOTS OF JEWELRY.

ANDY

You the comic?

HE EXTENDS HIS HAND

HARVEY

Harvey Daniels!

ANDY

Nice to meet you. I thought your

name was Eddy? I'm Andy Dallon,

Dolly's manager.

HARVEY

Oh!! I Just wanted to thank you for this oppor...

ANDY

Did they go over your material with you?

HARVEY

Yes. Marla was nice enough to give me the

areas to stay away from.

HE INDICATES LARGE BREASTS.

ANDY

Good! Every important agent, TV Producer and

reviewer in Hollywood is sitting in that audience

tonight. The Tonight Show, Merv Griffin...head of

A&R at Capitol ...president of NBC...they're all here

to see Dolly. You bomb tonight kid and your career

is over.

HE LAUGHS LONG AND HARD. HARVEY DOES NOT.

STAGE HAND

ONE MINUTE!!!

HARVEY IS GETTING PALE. HE GETS A FAR OFF LOOK IN HIS EYES.

ANDY

Yep, I pulled out all the stops on this one. Called in all

the favors. This is a town of favors and I used them all.

William Morris and I.C.M are out there...Paramount...

Columbia...Warner Brothers...of course, they're only

here because Streisand showed up.

HARVEY'S HEAD WHIPS AROUND.

HARVEY

Streisand is here?!!!

ANDY

Sure! We're tight. She's sitting front row center.

She could spit on you from where she's sitting.

STAGE HAND

Thirty seconds, Eddy.

HARVEY

Harvy.

ANDY

Yep! You're gonna be working in front of Barbra

Streisand and every important person in this town. You're

going out there a nobody, you're coming back a star... If

you don't bomb.(intense) You better not bomb!!!

THERE'S A BLANK EXPRESSION ON HARVEY'S FACE.

STAGE HAND

Ten seconds!!!

SFX:DRUM ROLL

ANNOUNCER

Ladies and Gentlemen the Roxy is proud to

present.....Miss Dolly Parton.

SFX: SCREAMING CROWD

ANNOUNCER

...with Eddy Daniels

SFX: SILENCE - CRICKETS

ANNOUNCER

And now, please give a big Roxy welcome to

Eddy Daniels.

HARVEY (SOTTO.)

Harvy!!!!

ANNOUNCER

Harvy Daniels?

SFX: CROWD MURMURING

THE CURTAIN OPENS. HARVEY TURNS TO THE ROXY AUDIENCE HIS BACK IS TO THE REAL AUDIENCE.

SFX: LOUDER MURMURS

HARVEY

Hamma...hammma..hammm..ha..

BLACK OUT

LIGHTS UP

MUSIC: STREISAND - "I'M THROUGH WITH LOVE."

END MUSIC