It's So Hard To Type With A Gun In My Mouth (31 page)

Then there was the time Bob said to me, “Let’s go see Susan.”  I agree and get into his car. We get on the Mass Pike and I say, “Where are you going?” And he says, “To see Susan.” “Where is she?” “In New York.”  And he drives all the way to New York from Boston five and a half hours. You have to understand this. I was over the moon with joy that he did this. Why? This meant that he felt close enough to me to do whatever he wanted and knew that it would be alright with me. We were extensions of each other in the best possible way. We saw Susan and turned around and came back to Boston. It was the best two days of my life.

Then on my 21
st
birthday the guys decided to get me a hooker. After all they were right outside the door. They go out, I’m left alone in the apartment, cleaning.  I suddenly get a headache. I walk into the bathroom and see myself in the mirror. I say, “Waiting for the prostitute. Excedrin headache 21”. (For those of you old enough to understand that you’ll laugh. If you’re not old enough…ask your parents.)

After graduation Bob got a job with Robert Stigwood and moved to the Bahamas, Jon and Ronnie got in their Winnebago and traveled Jon’s route and I went to Los Angeles. We didn’t see each other for ten, twelve years…until Jon called me one night and we picked up like there had been no space between us. Then I set out to find Bob. I found him in New York City… and 35 years later when I was flown into New York to do a backer’s audition for a Broadway Show, Bob Fisher picked me up at the airport like he had just dropped me off in front of the Warrington Street address.  I don’t know where you find friends like these two guys, but I thank God every day of my life that they were given to me… and that I was given to them. I wouldn’t be who I am today without Jon Stierwalt and Bob Fisher… seeing how I turned out, maybe they should be flogged in a public square… maybe have a box of Morton salt dumped on them.  Guys, for all you do, this piece is for you!

AUGUST 6, 2006
- MELISSA MANCHESTER

In one of my plays I say, "When you're hot in this town (LA), you're hot and when you're not, you're handled by an agency in the valley." And by the end of the 70's and early 80's I was hot. It was my fifteen minutes of fame.  After closing with Donna Summer and Barry Manilow, I went on tour with Melissa Manchester. I thought being on tour with Seals and Crofts was fun. That was a work camp in comparison to working with Melissa. I never enjoyed anything so much in my life.

While other headliners, like Seals and Crofts, were familiar and fun to be with, Melissa and her group felt like family! The whole memory I carry with me to this day. It wasn't like being on tour with all its "Don't do this and you can't say that", it was like being in someone's loving family, a nice family, one that just happened to be 40 musicians and back up singers.

It started in Reno. My cousin Sheila, from my mother's side, came up to see the show. Now you have to understand this was the first and only time any member of that family had made an effort to see my show, not before, nor since. In any case, it was in Reno I met Steve and Claudia Cagan. Claudia is Melissa's sister and Steve, Claudia's husband, was Melissa's musical conductor. The three of us clicked at once. They weren't "Show folk" they were friends who happened to be in show business. They included me in their plans; they invited me on their excursions. They made me feel like an equal, when I always felt less than.  But with these guys I never felt like I was outside looking in, I always felt part of and, for someone who NEVER felt a part of anything, this was a wonderful experience, one that gave me hope.  I drank it in like an alcoholic in a wine tasting room.

Reno went well. Uneventful. It was Reno. The crowds were sold out for Melissa and rightly so. Unless you've heard her live, you haven't heard her. There is a warmth to her voice that just drips off the stage. She's an intelligent songwriter and her throaty, sultry voice caresses each song like it was nursing a new born.

I think our first stop after Reno was Boston. (Framingham, actually)  And I was so looking forward to it. Coming back to my hometown, coming back to Boston doing what I had talked about doing all my life. I had goose bumps just thinking about it. CUT TO: OPENING NIGHT  (note: In my hometown, my mother did not come to the show... nor did a single member of her family) and I step out on stage. I look out into the audience and I see a sea of young faces... that look like their parents. They have no style or flair, 85% of them are overweight. They were the most unhip group of drips I have ever worked for. It was then I remembered why I moved to New York after college.  While Bostonians are nice people their roots are firmly planted in the Pilgrim heritage. They are very conservative, very unemotional, very plain people. And while it may be different today, back then the crowd was old, plain and fat. And that's the name of that tune.

I begin my act, editing all the while I was on stage.  The material was too hip for the room. I would leave them behind if I had not done so, but I was having a good time and the show was going well. Then, all of a sudden, I get a heckler. I LOVE hecklers! I love to drop my act and just toss it back and forth with someone in the audience. I HAVE TO HAVE FUN TOO, YA KNOW!!! And that is exactly what I did. I started bantering with this guy in the audience and I was laughing as hard as the audience. He's getting in some pretty good lines and I love it because the audience likes to see the heckler get the edge over the comedian. But I have the mike and have to stay in control. I deliver some pretty funny lines myself. The audience is loving that as well.   He stays with me to almost the end of my set but I need to move on so I can close my set strongly and that's what I do.  Solid applause.

Twenty-five years later I'm at John Laroquette's house, for his Christmas party. Lenny Clark, who is also on The John Laroquette Show, comes up to me. "Hey, Steve. How ah ya? Rememba, me? I was the guy in Framinham givin' you a hahd ti-em. I wuz the heckla."  And it was then I realized it had been a young Lenny Clark who was breaking in his comedy chops at my show in Framingham.  He remembered almost every joke we told that night. I said to myself, "Welcome to my world. I do the show, the heckler gets the TV series."

After Boston we headed for the Catskills. I had only heard about the Catskills and the legends of comedians who got their start there. David Brenner used to tell me about what his beginning was like working there. David Brenner is a very special person to me. When I first came to The Comedy Store the comedians were non supportive and extremely competitive. But David Brenner and Gabe Kaplan both took the time to not only be supportive but also give me tips. David was booked on the first TV show I did in Canada. I can't tell you how happy it made me.  I was able to show him what I had developed into...with his advice.  Anyway, I was looking forward to getting on stage in The Catskills, a place where comedy had been created.

Randy Kirby was in New York City at the time and he drove up to “the mountains”, as they are called, to the gig with me. We get to the Concord and I'm in shock. The hotel is a toilet. A toilet, that's being nice. This place had blood on the pillow from where Lincoln had been shot. It was old and run down and dirty. But I really didn't care about that, what I cared about was the show room.  I walk into this massive show room, maybe seating 2500 to 3000 people.  It's row after row of long tables and white tablecloths. It's like the perfect comedy room. I was excited about working there. And then I noticed the waiters putting out wooden mallets at each place setting. I thought, "How strange is that?" And went on my way.

That night the air was charged with energy. I was like a racehorse waiting to get on stage. I can tell how the crowd is going to be by listening to the murmur before the show. If it's high pitched it's a good show; if it's low pitched it's a dog of a show. This was a high-pitched murmur.  I'm pacing backstage waiting to go on and I hear them start the show. The crowd is murmuring... "Ladies and Gentlemen..." the crowd  murmurs "The Concord is proud to present..." louder murmuring... "Melissa Manchester" fast murmuring "with comedian Steve Bluestein" LOUDER murmur " And now, please welcome, Steve Bluestein."  And I step out on stage to what appears to be a prison riot. The crowd has not heard a thing the announcer said. They are walking from table to table, kids were running, old people are talking, eating, and teenagers are throwing food. It was Jews gone Wild! I start my act; the murmurs got louder. It's like I was interrupting their interrupting.  I do the first joke and I hear this banging noise like a hundred wood peckers are knocking on the roof. I do the next joke, same thing.  I look out into the audience and instead of laughing; they are banging on the tables with the wooden mallets. OH MY GOD! THEY'RE TOO LAZY TO LAUGH. The entire audience was in revolt, like when the warden won't get better food. I'm talking, they're banging. Talking. Banging. TALKING. BANGING.  Finally I say, "Give me a break will ya, I'm a Jew." 3000 wood mallets begin to bang in unison.... Bang, bang, bang, bang... it sounded like the troops were marching into Poland. I had to do 20 minutes with the Von Trapp Family Bangers and somehow I did.

I get off stage and fall into Randy Kirby's arms. "Let's go to New York City." is all I said and we went from the stage to Manhattan. Our next date was in Philly. I had not spoken to Melissa or Claudia, mostly because I was so embarrassed at how the show had gone. But in New York I had a t-shirt made and I walked into the sound check in Philly backwards, all Melissa saw was my red t-shirt, which said, "Jewish Audiences are slightly irregular". This got a huge laugh from everyone... but... I had a better one.  I turned around and on the front of the shirt it said. "FUCK THE CATSKILLS" And this brought the house down.  Melissa, the musicians, Claudia...everyone was laughing.

And that is why I loved working with this group. Another headliner would have had me fired for the bad show. But Melissa knew that it was just that, a bad show. The rest of the tour went smoothly and to show you how well it went, Claudia, Stephen and I remain friends to this day. And, to me, that's what it's all about... putting quality people in your life. I will never forget the time I spent with Melissa and her group on the road; I can honestly say it was worth The Concord and the mallets to be part of that memory!  And...I never once cried out loud!

                             AUGUST 7, 2006
- KENNY LOGGINS/FRANKIE VALLI

One of great things about being on the road for so many years, I got to see a lot of this country. A lot. Many places I didn't want to see or think I'd EVER see, like Missoula, Montana. They have a college there and I did a comedy tour sponsored by Schlitz Beer.  It actually turned out to be a lot of fun. But the best place ever was Lake Tahoe; magnificent scenery, clear air and every morning you wake up with a bloody nose. Who could ask for more?

I worked The Sahara at Lake Tahoe. The stage manager of that place was Al Bunoccorsi. Al was a tall man with snow-white hair and he ran backstage at the Sahara and had run it for years.  This is how we became friends. I'm sitting in Al's office which is covered with pictures of headliners who have worked the Sahara. I see Ann Margaret's picture and say, "What hotel was it that she fell and smashed her face?" Al was doing some paperwork and looked up at me from his desk and in a cold, hard voice said, "This one."  To which I said, "Best thing that ever happened to her. She looks fabulous now."  And he started laughing.  You see, it had been anything but good for her. She had months of reconstructive surgery and had sued the hotel because she claimed that the stagehands had been negligent in their duties. It was a huge mess for Al and I made him laugh about it. Nice, huh?

Al had seen it all, you could call him a hard ass but he was a good guy and always took care of me.  "This is Steve's pacing place... leave it clear." Al and I hung out after the shows. Most entertainers would treat Al like a servant; I treated him like an Uncle. And so between shows Al and I would go down to the coffee shop and get a bite or he would ask me to come with him when all the stage hands were eating. Other comedians would hang out with the hotel's head of entertainment, I hung out with the stagehands. It's just how I am.

Al and I exchanged Christmas Cards for years, maybe ten and then one year no card from him. I suspect he is no longer with us and I'll bet he is greatly missed in Tahoe.

KENNY LOGGINS

Of all the headliners I worked with in Tahoe, my favorites were Kenny Loggins and Frankie Valli.  I had been working at the Improv in Las Vegas when I got a call, "You're opening for Kenny Loggins tomorrow night. Get up to Tahoe." I grabbed the first plane back to LA and threw some stage clothes in a suitcase and was back at the airport in 24 hours. On the plane going up to Tahoe I notice Kenny sitting three seats ahead of me. I went up to him, "Kenny, I'm Steve Bluestein. I'll be opening for you." And he said, "Nice to have you on the show. What instrument do you play?" "Glockenspiel" is all I said. He had no idea who I was or what I did.

Kenny was another one of those "nice people" to work for. He did not have the star mentality and was very nice to me during the week. One day he asked me if I wanted to go to the health club with him and a couple of the guys in the band. "It helps the throat" is all he said and I thought "why not". I meet them in the hotel spa. I arrive a little late and walk into the dressing room and all the guys from Kenny's band and Kenny are there...stark naked. "Come on. We're takin' a steam bath." Now you have to know this about me, I dress to get undressed. I don't get naked in front of a mirror. I am THAT self-conscious about my body.  And the whole band is waiting for me to show my love handles. It took every ounce of strength I had to take off my clothes and go into the steam bath with them. I'm sitting in there, legs crossed with a towel around my shoulders and my eyes closed.  In all the years on the road it was the strangest experience I ever had.... Naked with Kenny Loggins.