It's So Hard To Type With A Gun In My Mouth (39 page)

Gabe Dell replaced Rooney. Gabe was a wonderful comedy actor whose claim to fame was he was an original Bowery Boy. Now Gabe was a gentleman to work with but there was just one tiny little thing wrong. He could not remember a single line of dialogue. Years later we would learn that is was a medical condition, I think he was in the early stages of Leukemia but back then no one understood it and just thought he was learning impaired. When the cameras rolled he was wonderful and could pull it off but he did it by hiding lines all over the set. He would walk from point to point where he had written his lines like on lampshades, on tabletops, chair backs and door frames.... anywhere he could put a note to keep him going. If you watch the show today, I don't know why anyone would, you can see him reading the furniture.  He was a joke writer's dream. We used to tease him mercilessly and he was a good sport about it.

Paul was new to the business but had come off SNL as musical director and there was a lot of buzz about him. He was and is a brilliant musician... as an actor, he was a brilliant musician...  there would be no Macbeth from Paul.

Now Greg Evigan was different... he could act, he had sex appeal and he was also a great musician. Greg's life crosses mine every fifteen minutes. Listen to this. When I lived in that apartment building in Hollywood, with the kidney shaped pool, there were two sisters who lived there. They were magnificent beauties, working actresses. They moved out long before I did and long before the building became a comedy haven... but... I kept bumping into them all over Hollywood, at parties, at openings, at plays... they were always there.

I am signed to do the show with Greg and who has he married but one of the sisters from my building. Now I start bumping into Greg everywhere I go, at The Emmys, At The Comedy Awards, parties, opening etc etc... and he's with his wife who was my neighbor.  Then Greg signs with my agent at ICM and so I see him at the office. And it didn't end after we stopped writing the show. This bumping into each other thing still happens to this day. I have a play reading... in walks Greg and his wife. I go to a party; there is Greg and his wife. I seriously believe that there is a master plan that certain people are meant to be in your life. Greg and his wife are two of those people.

Basically that was the cast of the show. Julie Cobb, daughter of Lee Jay Cobb and Nedra Voltz, an 80+ actress who was in vaudeville, rounded out the ensemble. The cast that finally made it to the screen was not the problem; the problem was in the office. The staff was, um... unfunny egomaniacs that guided the show much like the Captain of the Titanic guided his ship. These were people who wouldn't know a funny line if it stood on its hind legs and spit in their face.  And boy were they concerned about story lines. The stories had to be real... and Mary and I would say, "IT'S A SHOW ABOUT THE DEVIL. HOW REAL CAN IT BE?" We would pitch story ideas or jokes and we would hear. "The devil wouldn't say that." Or "The devil wouldn't do that."

Writing sessions were torture. It was hours of sitting around a table pitching story ideas to people you hated, on a show you hated, about characters that were preposterous. (Although Mary now tells me she liked the show. NOW she tells me.)  To give you an idea how political the show was. Mary and I had written an episode. The other writers had read it and hated it. Every script had to be approved by Norman. He came in and threw our script on the table. "Good job. This one's ready to go." And walked out.  No one said a word and then a choir of "Fine. Great. I liked it too." erupted. Assholes.

The only thing that kept me going was working with Mary.  She and I could have a good time in solitary confinement, on fire, in hell, with my entire family singing Sandy Duncan show tunes from Peter Pan. Here's an example. We were under a lot of pressure and the deadlines were coming up fast and furious. I was a nervous wreck and asked my secretary if she had something to calm me down. She said, "I have a Seconal." "What'll that do?" "Oh, it will mellow you out."  So I took it. About an hour later Mary and I are in a meeting with Norman Lear. I'm seated across from Norman and the pill hits me.  Mary is seated to my left.  As Norman is talking I'm deflating like a balloon with a slow leak. I'm falling forward and every time Norman looks away, Mary pulls me up by the back of my hair. She pulls me up, I fall over, Norman looks away and she pulls me up. I fall over, Norman looks away, she pulls me up and this goes on the entire meeting. She drags me to my office where I spend the rest of the day unconscious on my sofa.  I was mellow alright... so mellow I was almost in a coma.

The show is filled with these kinds of memories for me.  We were all sitting around a table in the conference room and someone came in and said, "Elvis just died." And the room just went hush. It's like someone said, "Kennedy had been shot." Now I was never an Elvis fan but the reaction in the room was monumental. The man had a profound impact on the world and his death slowed up production that day; everyone was in mourning.  It's a moment in time that sticks  out like someone put a bookmark there.

But of all the memories I have of that show, I think the best one is of my ex-wife. She had just had the baby and shall we say, was challenged to find happiness in her roll as a new mother. She would call me at the office crying about something important like a lost phone bill  or a broken finger nail. These calls came at least six times a day. It became a standing joke at the office. One of the writer's, Terry Hart, would burst out laughing every time he would walk by my office and hear me say, "There's no need to cry over that."  Our secretary would write me phone messages, instead of "Your wife called" they would say, "Your wife cried".  We were under a lot of stress and it was getting to Mary. She came into my office one day and just sat down and cried. While she was crying my ex called and she started to cry. I had bawling women in stereo. Just for the record, Mary is one of the strongest women I know. If she cried, you can imagine what working on that show was like.

The show did have perks financially.  I bought myself a new Lancia Scorpion. On my first day out with it, I was rear ended by an 85-year-old driver. When I came into the office and told the other writers, the laugh was ten minutes.  You see, even back then, I had a dark cloud over me.

I can honestly say that the show was a living hell to write but was filled with wonderful memories. Mary and I still laugh over them. However,  "A YEAR AT THE TOP" was the reason I told my agents not to get me any more sit com gigs. (A directive I would regret for 15 years as I sat in shit hole after shit hole comedy condo on the road.) But three wonderful things came out of "A YEAR AT THE TOP"  A. Mary Willard B. Greg Evigan and C. Yolanda Tisdale  (our secretary... who has become a very successful business woman in Beverly Hills) so it ain't all-bad!!

DON’T REMEMBER THE DATE,  2006 -
FOX NEWS

I had an interesting weekend. It was a microcosm of my world in show business. It starts off really nicely and ends up with me in an insane asylum, in a straight jacket with electrodes attached to my temples.

I'm sitting on my sofa asleep. I have the magic sofa. If you sit in it you immediately fall asleep. I have had guests drop off in mid sentence. "So any way I was about to fight off the shark when...zzzzzzz."  I have seen celebrities with their heads rolled back and snoring with their mouths wide open. "Will someone please wake Florence Henderson."  It's the magic sofa. I sat down there to find some comfort from my depression and was out like a light in two minutes. The phone rang and I snap to attention. "Hello." "Steve, this is (name) from Fox News. Cathy Ladman gave us your number. Would you be interested in doing an interview with Judy Tenuta about who is smarter men or women?"  I am foggy but I say. "Sure."  And the Fox person says, "You will?" like she's asked 100 comedians and no one has said yes. "That's great. We shoot tomorrow at 7:30 p.m. We'll send a car for you. I'll call you for the pre-interview at eleven and I'll email you the article the interview is based on."  It's all set and I hang up.

My depression immediately ends. I am viable. I have meaning. I am going to work.  I now switch into work mode. I get the Fox email and read it. My heart sinks. It's bullshit. It's about how men are smarter than women because their brains are larger and how women seek smarter men because they need to be protected. Now I see why she said, "You will?"   There is no way I can go on camera and defend this anti-woman position. I call Judy. "What are we going to do?" And we discuss options. One of which is my suggestion that we take opposite sides. I take the women's side and she defends the men. I thought it would be funnier.  She agrees.

I email Fox and tell them I've gotten the article and here's a switch we think would be interesting. I tell them the idea with the caveat that "This is your interview. I'll do it any way you wish. I just thought it might be funnier if we did it this way."  Ten seconds later I get an email back. "We are having problems with the segment. I'll call you tomorrow."  I have been in the business long enough to know what that means. "We need a bigger name."

The next morning I've traded depression for anxiety. How can I go on TV and defend this inane article? What will my friends think? At 11:30 the phone had not rung. I knew what this meant. I'm not doing the interview. At 12:30 I'm on the phone with Fox "Hi, Steve, well we're going forward with the interview. We shoot at 7:30, however..." And that was the word I was waiting for!! I said, "OH THANK GOD! Who did you get to do the interview?" And she says, "David Brenner."  To which I say, "Thank you so much. I didn't want to do this interview in the worst way." "Really?" "Oh yes! I couldn't say men are smarter than women. Look at Madame Curie and the woman who found the double helix and... " "Well thank you for making it so easy for me."  And she hangs up and I immediately crash dive like a Japanese warplane over Pearl Harbor. 

About an hour later Judy calls. She's upset that they have replaced me but she needs jokes. And we work on her jokes for about an hour. Here are some of the jokes I wrote for her. "Obviously this article was written by a man who wasn't breast fed." "Men have all the power but it's only because women let them think they are running things. "There was always a woman behind every successful man. It was MRS. Edison who said to Thomas...WHAT ARE YOU SITTING IN THE DARK FOR?"

Judy is very happy and I set my TiVo to tape her interview. About this time I get a phone call from a new friend, Elaine Good, someone who is a friend of a friend who has been reading the book and calls herself mnbf (my new best friend).   So she called and I said, "Come over. I could use the company."  Two hours later there she is and we're laughing and talking and decide to go out to dinner. She's a corporate chef and she talks to me about a TV show she wants to do. I, in turn, take her to my favorite Lebanese Restaurant...where the waitress blows herself up if she doesn't like the tip. We had a great time.

After dinner I came home and watch Tivo. No interview. I'm thinking it didn't air and go to sleep.  The next morning , at seven a.m. , I get an email from Judy. "DAVID BRENNER HAD NO JOKES. HIS MIKE WAS OFF FOR THE FIRST HALF OF THE INTERVIEW. I GOT A FEW GOOD JOKES IN." And then I learn it aired at seven not ten and that's why Tivo didn't tape it. Freudian Tivo. I really didn't want to see the interview anyway.

Then Judy and I started talking about other stuff and I told her about my play being optioned. She has a play she wants me to look at to re-write. So out of all this shit came something good. I have a project for next week.

But this weekend was the perfect example of the highs and lows of show business. I'm on TV, I'm not on TV. I'm doing the interview; I'm not doing the interview. And then when it's done, it's never good enough, something goes wrong or you are treated like shit. If I wanted this kind of abuse all I would have to do is go home for Thanksgiving. Do you see the insanity of the whole thing? They called me... they got my phone number and dialed. I didn't call them. THEY... CALLED... ME!  And then after I say I'll do it, they reject me. If I had said, "NO!" they would have chased me down until I agreed to do the effing thing. It is total and complete insanity... you can attach the electrodes now!

September 19, 2006 -
TINA TURNER

Right after my agent Gary died, my new agent, whose name happened to be Steve, called me about a series that was being done. There was no pilot it was going right to air and was called WOOFER'S SUPERSONIC CITY.  It took place in a music store and was sort of a sitcom within a variety show. My agent had booked me an audition for the next day and told me to dress rock and roll.

After Gary died I had taken all his clothes and was wearing them. One of Gary's things was a tour jacket from K.C. and Sunshine Band, one of his clients. As a matter of fact K.C., Gary and I went skiing one year.  So when I saw the jacket it immediately brought back fond memories of my brother/agent Gary. I decided to wear the jacket to the audition knowing that if I did Gary would be with me.

The next day I went to one of the Studios, I think it was Gower, and met with three guys from New York who had come out west to cast the show. I walked into the office and kicked ass at the audition. I was funny. I looked hip. I read the lines well. This audition I felt good about.  The producers were extremely interested in the fact that I was a writer and asked me if I would consider writing on the show if I got the job. This meant double money and my little Jewish brain went ka-ching. "Sure, I'd love to write on the show."