It's So Hard To Type With A Gun In My Mouth (48 page)

NOVEMBER 17, 2006 -
CELEBRITY SIGHTINGS

So it's 1969 and I'm walking down 58th street one fine summer day in New York. I can actually tell you it was 58th and Madison, that's how good my memory is. I was walking over to my shrink appointment. He was on Central Park West at about 63rd. I would walk up 58th around the park and then down Central Park West to his office.

I'm rushing to my appointment, standing on the corner waiting for the light to change and I happen to look to my left. Standing next to me, in a floral printed shirt wasted dress, white background with dark flowers, is Ethel Merman. She didn't say a word nor did I. The entire exchange was ten seconds but it stayed with me to this day and has become part of my celebrity sightings.

(Bruce Vilanch told me the funniest Ethel Merman story ever.  A friend of his is walking through Central Park and sees Ethel Merman with her granddaughter. The kid is sitting on a park bench screaming at the top of her lungs. As the friend walks by he hears Merman say to the child... "Well, what the fuck do ya want?")

On that same walk on, different days, I saw Jessie White, character actor extraordinaire and father of Carol Ita White who was soon to be one of my dearest friends. Charlotte Rae, who I had fallen in love with on Car 54 Where Are You and would cast when I wrote for Norman Lear and who would later star in The Facts of Life with Kim Fields who I baby sat for when she lived in my building. (Do you see what a complex and small world it is?)

Another day I was walking down Broadway heading to my office at United Artists. The light was about to change and like a good New Yorker I darted out into the street to beat it before it changed. Running in my direction, doing the same thing I was doing but only heading west while I headed east, was Vivian Vance; Ethel Mertz on the I Love Lucy Show. I think our passing was less than two seconds but old eagle eyes was able to give her the once over. I could not believe how pretty she was! This was the Ethel that was  married to Fred and she had had a complete make over AND a nose job. I remember thinking I had just seen history and told everyone in the office. Turns out they had all seen her. She was doing a play in the neighborhood and was there every day. So much for being special.

In LA celebrity sightings are so common you don't even make mental notes of them. I live in a very artsy fartsy area in LA. It's Bel Air but it's the slums of Bel Air and it attracts a very artistic group of people. For instance I have seen Brian Wilson of the Beach Boys about 600 times. Vanna White owns a store in the mall at the top of the hill.  I see her there all the time. Clint Black and his wife what's her name eat at my deli. I mean, it's like you go to take out the trash and there is Barbra Streisand. But there was one time in LA when even I stopped and took notice.

I was going on the road and had just been dropped off at LAX. I was standing on the curb collecting my baggage when a Rolls Royce pulled up. Out of the back comes Diana Ross... pregnant... in platform shoes, wearing bib overalls... looking like shit. However, that's not the sighting that excited me. When I went inside and checked my bags I had a long walk to the gate. LAX has these long corridors that go underground to the gates. You've seen them in a thousand movies; they're covered with aqua and blue one-inch mosaic tiles.  In any case, I'm making my way to my gate when who should come face to face with me but Fred Astaire. We sort of bumped into each other and I recognize him instantly. He was older here and wearing one of the worst toupees made in America.  I remember thinking "I had just bumped into greatness, into film history." It was one of the most exciting sightings I ever had and filled me with happiness for quite a long time.

One of the most recent sightings and the strangest happened about four years ago. I was at the school graduation of one of the Churukian kids. They all went to a private school in Pasadena. I'm late and arrive as everyone is leaving so I'm pushing against the exiting crowd. I'm working my way in when five feet from me is Kevin Costner coming out. Now you have to remember we are packed as tightly as sardines. His eyes met mine and I recognized him instantly but the strangest thing happened that has ever happened at a celebrity sighting. In my mind I heard him say, "Please don't recognize me." In other words he did not want anyone to know he was there and so I diverted my eyes and he passed in secrecy. It was so strange.

But the all time mother of celebrity sightings has to belong to Carol Burnett. When I was a senior at Emerson College she gave the school a scholarship. She had come to the campus to do an interview and it was a big deal. Huge! The press was there and the entire student body was buzzing. I had gone to the student union for something and found myself in the middle of the fracas. Carol was sequestered in a room on the third floor and since I had been giving tours of the campus, I knew all the secret passages. I took one that led me right to the room where Carol was doing her interview. I didn't enter I just cracked the door open and listened as she talked. Now I had to be 20 at the time.

When the interview was over I dashed out front and joined the rest of the kids waiting for her to exit. I was just a face in the crowd but as she passed me, she reached out and caressed my face with her hand. I can't even begin to tell you how special that made me feel. I, who never felt enough, was just picked out of the crowd by Carol Burnett.

But there's a more burning image of that day that remains with me. It's a picture of Carol heading down the massive, hand carved staircase and Henry Winkler running up to her and descending the staircase with her as he actively chatted and asked for advice. It was fitting that Henry did this. He was the star at Emerson and it was destined that he become famous. But here's where it gets good.

Flash Cut: 2004 (36 years later)

I'm standing at the cash register at Armani in Beverly Hills. I have just purchased a $1500.00 tuxedo to wear to my High School Reunion. Standing next to me is an old, mysterious, lady in a hat and glasses. She hasn't said a word. The clerk gives her the credit card receipt and says, "Would you like that sent?" She says, "No that's ok, I'll take it." And I recognize the voice immediately...it's Carol Burnett. Do I say something? Yes? No? I do. "Miss Burnett?"  And she snaps to attention and becomes not the old lady but the Carol Burnett we all know and love. "I was at Emerson College the year you gave the scholarship." "Well, dear, you must have been a child." (Glimmer, glimmer, glow, glow) " Did you know that the boy who grabbed you going down the staircase and asked for advice was Henry Winkler?"  And she said, "Yes. I met Henry and he told me that."

We chatted a few minutes more and she was off. But for me it was like the circle had been completed. I had been witness to one of those strange moments in show business... a young Henry Winkler asking Carol for advice and then an old Carol realizing that the kid had become a star equal to hers.

And that folks is just a portion of my celebrity sighting stories. As I remember them, I'll document them.

November 18, 2006  -
TWENTY FIVE YEARS

Twenty-five years ago today my life changed forever when my friend and agent Gary Weinberg died. If you’ve been reading you’ll know how strongly I felt about him. You’ll know how much I loved the man and how much of an inspiration he was and is in my life.

Gary passed away twenty-five years ago today, November 18th. That means that twenty-five years ago today I stood in my kitchen holding on to the edge of the sink trying to keep myself from falling to the ground. It means that twenty-five years ago today I began drinking to dull the pain. It means that twenty-five years ago I lost someone who cared about me and protected me and loved me like a brother.

There has not been a day in those twenty-five years that I have not thought about Gary. His briefcase sits next to my desk and the sign from his office hangs in my own office. There hasn’t been a day since he died that I have not felt him with me. On the day of the mudslide I felt his hand guide me to safety. It was his idea,  put into
my
head, that I should have flood insurance. It was his guidance that helped me renovate this house.

I have never told a single person this story because I thought I might be considered insane but I’m sharing with you all today.

One night soon after Gary died I was crying so desperately that I thought I was having yet another nervous breakdown. It was the kind of crying that leaves you weak, the kind in which you can’t catch your breath.  I wanted Gary to be alive that night so desperately I would have sold my soul to the devil to bring him back.  I walked around the house just pouring out my heart in uncontrollable tears.  At one point I was on the floor to weak to move. I opened my eyes and said, “Please, just let me know you are with me.”  And I swear to god to you. I swear it on my father’s grave. The faucet in the bathtub opened and water came pouring out. It was like a slap in the face. It brought me around and made me stop crying. I got up off the floor and shut the water tap. And from that moment on I knew that Gary was with me and protected me and surrounded my life.  That little bit of mystery was pointed out to me again today.

A few years ago I wrote a play about Gary called
Gary’s Gold
. I wanted an audience to fall in love with a character without ever seeing him on stage. In my play other people talk about Gary and they tell how he affected their lives. While many of the characters are compilations of people, the effect is stunning. A production company in Boston mounted the play and….. I detested it. The cast was horrific, had no comedy timing… had no acting experience. In my eyes, it was just bad. So bad I refused to go to Boston to see it.  

Today the producers sent me the first review, today, on the 25
th
anniversary of Gary’s death. Here’s the review:

“
Reviewed by Larry Stark

Steve Bluestein's "Gary's Gold" is really a love-letter to a departed friend. It is a little over an hour long, yet its three scenes are packed with such fond nostalgia that it feels like a full evening. The play takes the form of cleaning out Gary's apartment and passing it on to strangers, but in each scene a family-member or friend who knew the man tries to explain to someone who didn't what was so special about him. This could be cloyingly sweet, but Bluestein's people bubble with glib, self-aware humor enough to m
aintain balance.
"Gary's Gold" hasn't a mean bone in its body; it's a feel-good play; but is that such a bad thing these days?

It’s not lost on me that this review came today, on the 25
th
anniversary of Gary’s death. It’s Gary telling me he’s still with me. It’s Gary telling me not to be so hard on myself.

I wanted to do something special today, on the anniversary of his death… and he trumped me in spades.  I wish for each and every one of you that you would have someone in your life as special as Gary. I wish for each of you a friendship that nurtures and cares for you. I wish you all had known him and how special he was. I wish he had never died…. But if he hadn’t I wouldn’t be who I am today, stronger, wiser, better.

I want to share with you a poem I wrote the day after he died. It’s a poem I included in the script of Gary’s Gold. I think it sums it all up:

I lost a friend today.

I’ve looked everywhere.

Under the jokes we used to laugh over.

Between the pages of our memories.

I couldn’t find him.

He’s hiding.

I know he is.

He can’t be gone.

Where could he be?

It’s not like him to run off and leave me.

I lost a friend today.

He brought me into the sunshine.

He stood in front of me when they threw rocks.

He stood behind me when I needed a push.

I’ve got to find him.

I lost a friend today.

He’s gone.

I’m sure of that now.

There’s nothing I can do.

It’s out of my hands.

I lost a friend today.

A good friend.

And he lost me.

                              NOVEMBER 20, 2006 -
MORE CELBRITY SIGHTINGS

I was working at Alexanders on the main floor. We were having one of our insane days where sweaters were $1.99 or something like that. On those days, the crowds of women are numbered in the thousands and the intensity of their shopping was insane. Pushing, shoving, hitting, screaming was a daily occurrence.  You'd go out on the floor with a box of sweaters, throw them onto the table and women would come out of the woodwork to dig through what was just put up for sale.