It's My Life (Filming Rhiannon. Book 1) (38 page)

“Liam take me home please.” I tell him, as my tears form again. I would rather mend my broken heart at home, then with Kaleb. I can’t stand the look in his eyes, knowing I’ve put it there. I will explain to him, just not yet. I can’t take no more hurt, and I don’t even think he will listen to me.

“My apartment Liam.” Kaleb barks to him. Kaleb leans over, and presses the button for central locking.

“I want to go home.” I cry to him.

“Yeah? Well I want answers.” he says as he places himself back in his seat.

“Kaleb you can’t do this.” I cry.

“I can, and I will. I think I deserve answers, don’t you?” he asks without even looking at me.

“It’s called imprisonment Kaleb, and that’s against the law. Please let me go home.” I beg him, hoping if I use that he would give up. He has turned back into the Kaleb I don’t like. It doesn’t feel like we have come forwards, it feels like we have gone back, and its breaking my heart more.

“My apartment Liam.” he says again.

“Kaleb?” I ask quietly, “Why are you doing this?”

“I'm not doing anything. You have lied, and I will get answers. I told you, if I want something I usually get it.”

“Please let me go home. I’ll tell you everything, just not when you’re this angry with me.” I cry harder.

“Angry? This isn’t angry.” he tells me.

“KALEB I want to go home.” I yell at him.

“Tough shit, we're here now.” he says jumping out the car as soon as Liam opens his door.

It takes them a short while to open my door, I was beginning to think they were going to keep me here.

When my door opens, it’s not Kaleb, its Liam.

“He’s gone in. I told him I would escort you in.” he tells me.

“Can’t you just let me go home?” I beg him. He doesn’t respond, he just indicates the way in using his hand.

Slowly, almost afraid to make a noise, I walk in with Liam hot on my heels. If I knew I would get anywhere, I would attempt to break from the pair and take myself home.

He leads me in to the bedroom before he shuts the door leaving me alone.

I thought I was alone, a few seconds later, Kaleb walks out of his closet in a pair of sweat pants.

“Sit” he tells me. I do as I’m told, not knowing what is going to happen.

He sits on the other side of the bed, and begins to talk.

“Are you going to explain?” he asks bitterly, he isn’t making any effort to touch me, or even look at me.

“Kaleb, please it’s not like that.” I try to defend myself.

“All the time you have laid in my arms, and you have kept this big secret from me?” he spits at me.

“Kaleb, it’s not like that.” I repeat as tears fill my eyes again.

“You have lied to me from the beginning.”

“It’s not something I’m proud off Kaleb.” I say defensively. I know now that I have to tell him.

“I still had a right to know.” he shouts at me. “You have a fucking child.” he continues to shout.

“You don’t know the story behind it.” I say as my tears fall.

“No, because you didn’t think I needed to know.” he says louder.

“He fucking raped me Kaleb! That’s why I couldn’t tell you.” I scream at him as I begin to pace the room. It feels like the walls are closing around me, and I can’t breathe. The pacing doesn’t last long. My legs give way from underneath me, and I end up in a heap on the floor as more tears spring from my eyes.

I hear Kaleb take a deep intake of breath.

“Why isn’t the scum locked up?” he asks me, but I can’t answer, I am concentration on breathing. He walks over to me, but I flinch away from him.

“Fuck.” he says as he throws himself on the bed, and puts his head in his hands.

“So where is the child now?” he asks.

“I put her up for adoption.” I inform him. The words are possibly the hardest words I have ever said.

“Rhiannon, why didn’t you tell me?” he asks quietly as he joins me on the floor.

“I'm ashamed of my past Kaleb. It makes me feel dirty and abused. I’m trying to move past it.” I shout past my sobs, so he gets the point. Maybe now he will understand how hard this is for me to talk about.

“Baby, you don’t have to be ashamed. You didn’t ask for it.” Like that makes everything better. It’s doing nothing to the guilt that has been eating away at me for years.

“I gave my baby away to strangers. I get updates every six months.” I say ashamed of my actions.

“Baby, it’s what felt right at the time. You did what you had to do.” he tries to reassure me.

“It’s not that easy Kaleb. And now he wants revenge.” I say as I bury my head in my hands.

“I won’t let him get to you Rhiannon.” he tries to comfort me.

“So how old is she?” he asks.

“Ten next month.” I sob. Ten years of hell, constantly wondering what she’s doing, if she’s happy, if she knows about me. I have so many questions I need answering, but I have never had the courage to ask them.

“Is she as beautiful as her mum?” he asks lifting my head out of my hands.

“I'm not her mum, just her mother.” I clarify.

“You bought her into the world, that counts for something right?”

“But I’m not the one bringing her up, loving her, putting band aids on when she hurts herself. I'm not the one scaring the demons from under her bed.” I say as my sobs won’t stop.

“Is this what your night mares are about?” he asks connecting a few dots.

“I don’t know; I don’t remember them. I mean they probably are, since they only started again after what happened at the bar.”

“What has that got to do with this?” he asks confused.

“The guy at the bar said Len sent him.” The sobs just won’t stop, and its hurting my face and chest.

“Baby, I promise with everything I have, he will not get near you again.”

“You can’t promise that. I lied to you Kaleb, you hurt me, and you hate me”

“I don’t hate you. I could never hate you, and you had your reasons for not telling me, I just wish you trusted me enough to tell me. And I am so sorry for handling you the way I did. I just saw red, and went on defense mode.”

“I do trust you, it wasn’t a case of trust, it was about shame. Then you made it harder for me to tell you.” I admit.

“You don’t have to be ashamed, I do baby. I can tell you love that little girl, and you did the right thing if you couldn’t care for her. I’m just sorry I reacted the way I did.” he says as he pulls me into his arms, and this time I willingly go.

He carefully lifts me up and places me on the bed, while I still lay in his arms and cry.

“Please don’t let him get me Kaleb.” I beg him.

“Baby, with everything I have, I will protect you.” he says as he rocks me.

“Don’t hate me for not telling you.” I plead with him. I have gone through this on my own for ten years, I need someone else to be strong for me now. I done have the energy to do it anymore.

“I don’t hate you. I could never hate you, you had your reasons, I was just angry.”

“Don’t let me get you angry again then.” I don’t like that side to Kaleb.

He just laughs at me, as I cry some more.

I cried myself to sleep, and it’s a few hours later when I’m woken up. Kaleb is walking in the room with my phone in his hands.

“Baby, your phone has been ringing none stop. I think you should answer it. Caller display doesn’t say who it is.” he says passing me my phone.

As I grab the phone I notice seven missed calls. The caller display just says 'withheld number'. Damn it, I can’t even phone them back if I don’t know who it is. Whoever it is will ring me back if it’s important. I hold my phone in my hand in case it rings again, but I want to speak to Kaleb. I sit up in the bed, and he sits beside me.

“How are you?” he asks rubbing his palm over my face.

“I’m fine. Thank you for looking after me.” I respond feeling guilty.

“Baby, never thank me.”

“I feel I have too. I kept something important from you, and you still looked after me.”

“I understand why you didn’t tell me, but from now on, no more secrets, okay?”

“I promise.” I give him a smile. I do feel better now he knows.

Just as I go to put my phone down, it starts ringing again. I quickly answer it.

“Hello?”

“Hello, is that Rhiannon Addison?” the lady asks, and I know straight away who it is.

“Michelle, hi. Yes, its Rhiannon.” I say happily in to the phone.

“Rhiannon, are you sat down?” she asks me seriously. I don’t like the tone she is using with me.

“Michelle, what is it?” I ask my mind on high alert.

“Pippa has passed away.” she says seriously.

“Michelle, that’s a horrible thing to joke about.” I say in disbelief.

“Rhiannon, I’m so sorry.” she says her voice breaking, and it’s in that moment I know she’s not lying. My heart breaks beyond repair.

“Michelle, no.” I plead with her, as my tears start to fall.

“I am so sorry I’m having to tell you this over the phone.”

“No, no she can’t be.” I cry at her. “Michelle, not Pippa.” I plead with her.

“I'm sorry Rhiannon.” she cries.

“But how? I was going to see her next week. Michelle please no?” I continue sobbing, my heart has literally been ripped out.

“We don’t know details at the minute. Again I’m so sorry. I will call you back as soon as I can. I have to go.” she says.

“Please don’t go.” I beg her. “Please don’t just do this to me Michelle, not my Pippa, please.” I beg with everything I have.

“I have to call Jeff and Annie. I promise to call you back.” she says as she hangs up.

Kaleb hasn’t left the room, he sat and listened to the whole conversation.

“Rhiannon?” he asks concern heavy in his voice?

I can’t talk right now, I just crumble. My whole world has just fallen apart. My full body is shaking, and heaving with big heavy sobs that I can’t stop. My poor baby, it can’t be her.

“Rhiannon please.” he says as he comes to hold me.

I push him away. I can’t accept his kindness now.

I roll off the bed, and lay in a heap on the floor, big ugly, heavy sobs run through my body. I’m shaking. I can’t breathe. Kaleb still doesn’t give up, he joins me on the floor, and just holds me.

“Rhiannon, what’s happened?” he pleads with me to tell him.

“Pippa........ Pippa, she’s dead.” I manage to get out as my sobs continue.

“Pippa?” he asks confused. I just nod my head.

“Pippa? Pippa.... is that what your daughter is called?” he asks finally putting it together.

“My baby.” I sob to Kaleb.

“Oh shit,” is his reply. “Rhiannon, I am so sorry.” he says as he is lost for words.

“My baby,” I cry louder, calling for her. I try to escape from Kaleb.

“Why?” I ask Kaleb as I crumble some more.

“I was seeing her next week for her birthday.” I sob. “Is this my revenge?” I ask him with anger directed to myself. “Why Pippa and not me?” I continue with my heart wrecking sobs.

“I have to go see her.” I say trying to break free from Kalebs hold. He doesn’t let me go, “Kaleb I have to go see her.” I shout pushing him away.

His grip tightens on me, “Baby, I can’t let you do that right now. You're not in the right mind.” he says with sorrow.

“What is the right mind to go see your dead child?” I spit at him. I need him to let me the fuck go.

“I'm not letting you go.” he says holding me tighter.

“Just let me go.” I scream in his face. He doesn’t seem affected by it. I continue to crumble as I fight him off.

“I fucking hate you.” I spit at him, as I pull him close and sob into his shirt.

“You're hurting baby, and I am so sorry, but I can’t let you go.” he says as he rocks me.

“It hurts Kaleb.” I cry louder in his chest.

“I know; I wish I could help.” he says sadly.

“Then let me go see her.” I plead with him, as I look up to him, and see his eyes are lost. He doesn’t know how to help me.

He rubs away my tears, but more continue to fall.

“You know I can’t do that.” he says full of sorrow. “Maybe you should try and get some sleep, and we can sort it later.” he tries to help.

“What is there to sort? I wasn’t her mum. I can’t help with funeral arrangements; I don’t even know what has happened to her.” I sob.

“Baby, we can ask if you can help plan her funeral, after all she wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for you. We can find out what happened to her. Please baby, let me help you.” he begs.

“I don’t know what to do Kaleb.” it hurts. My chest hurts, my heart has gone, and I don’t know what to do anymore. This pain is the worst in the world.

“I know baby, but I am here to help you. Get some sleep, and we can ring round in a bit, give the adoptive parents some time to get their head around it too.”

“I’m not tired. I don’t want to sleep. Please don’t make me sleep.” I beg him.

“Baby, please. Just lay down with me then.”

He lifts us both of the floor and places us both on the bed.

He just holds me as my world ends, my heart breaks, my heavy heart wrenching sobs continue, and my tears fall.

“Do you want me to ring Grace?” he asks me. I just shake my head at him, as I curl in a ball, and cry. I don’t want anyone. The only person I want with me now, isn’t here no more. I have spent the last ten years regretting my decision to have her adopted out, and now there is nothing I can do.