Intentional (11 page)

Before my parents died, they would always tell me what a great attitude I had. They said that I always saw the good in people. It was a compliment, but now I wish I had been more cautious with my friendship and love. I flung it out there, believing in the people who were most important to me. I don’t think I’ll ever let myself love anyone again.

I am going down the cereal aisle. I think I’ve had one too many bowls of Cheerios. I move on. I’ve decided to upgrade to frozen meals; at least veggies are involved. I pile enough Lean Cuisines into my cart
to last me for at least a month. I don’t want to come back here anytime soon. The ghost of Jeremy fills the aisles.

I know I need to plan. I need
a
plan. I need to leave Sedona. I am constantly worried that I might see either Sarah or Jeremy. This town definitely will not fit all three of us.

There has been a deafening silence from both of them since the Event. This is both a blessing and a curse. On the one hand, I would like to know what happened. Why? This question plagues my days and haunts my nights. Answers might bring me some semblance of peace.

Where is the numbness? Isn’t it part of the grieving process? Somehow, I have skipped over that stage.

Four Months Later: April

Okay, I get it. I have to go on living (unless I want to contemplate my own demise, which I don’t—I’m too mad). I’m going to dust off the dirt of Sedona (no offense, Sedona—you were beautiful, but just a dream). I need to move, far, far away.

I am going to pick a new city or town where I can learn how to function again. To be honest, I don’t really care where I go—as long
as it doesn’t involve cacti, red rocks, or people with the name Jeremy or Sarah.

I go on a rare outing to Small World Toys. It’s a baby and toy store I shopped at with Sarah about six months ago. She was planning to attend a baby shower for a coworker and needed to pick up a gift. We were both oohing and aahing over all of the adorable baby clothes that filled half the store. I held up the cutest outfit and exclaimed, “I can’t wait for our baby!” I already knew that Jeremy wanted a baby—and fast. Our plan was to try to conceive in the first year after we were married. He was so excited to be a dad.
Stop!
I am seriously torturing myself. I need to get in, get the map, and get out as quickly as possible.

I get home in record time and unwrap the laminated map of the United States. I cut a big horseshoe out of the bottom portion (goodbye, California, Arizona, New Mexico, Texas, Louisiana, Mississippi, Alabama, Georgia, Florida).

I find some tape and attach it to the wall in my living room. All I need now is a dart. I know I have one somewhere. I check through my junk drawer, and, lo and behold, a dart that’s been left behind from
some long-lost board game sits beneath some yarn. I grab it and make my way back into the living room.

I look at the map carefully. I ask myself, do I really want to do this? Have I totally lost it? Do I really care where I live? The answers are yes, I don’t think so, and no. I’m going for it.

I take ten steps in the opposite direction and do a few circles so I won’t know where the dart will hit. Here goes. I close my eyes, turn around, and aim at the vicinity of the map, hoping I don’t hit a lamp or anything valuable.

I hesitate. Should I say a prayer or something? Yes, I will.
Dear God, please send me to a place that will bring me happiness and peace.

I wind up and throw hard. It hits the target! It actually hits one of our fifty great states. An island—I’ve hit an island! That sounds peaceful. I hope it has Wi-Fi.

As I look closer, I realize that I have indeed hit an island, but it is very close to civilization. The name is Mercer Island. It sits in the middle of a lake called Lake Washington. This makes sense, because Mercer Island is in the state of Washington, right outside the city of Seattle.

What do I know about Seattle? It rains and it’s gray. My pulse starts to pick up.
Gray!
This is the first thing that excites me in four months. I am moving to a city that matches my mood. No more fake sunshine happiness. I can go and wallow. I guess that shouldn’t be my goal, but it sure sounds attractive right now.

Before I leave, I need to make sure that Jeremy and Sarah can’t find me. If I’m really, truly going to start a new life, I need to make sure that neither one of them can interfere. One day, when I’ve recovered, I’ll come back and ask all the questions I need for closure.

How do I disappear? I start my search on google: “how to disappear completely.” There are so many things I didn’t realize that I would need to do. I can do most of this stuff by myself, but it looks like I’ll need some help from a professional for some of the paperwork.

I start the arduous task of closing bank and credit card accounts, selling my car,
etc.
Now I need someone for the not-so-legal stuff—a new identity.

I make a few calls to some local private investigators. I find one who is willing to give me the name of an “associate.”

It costs me a lot to obtain my new identity, but it’s worth it. Once I get this all wrapped up, I’ll be ready to go.

Five Months Later: May

I did it! I packed up everything and moved. Oh, I felt so free heading up I-5 toward my new adopted home. I felt a weight lifting inside my soul. Weird. I thought I would cry the entire way. I am leaving the people I loved behind. Hey, I think I’m getting better—I thought
loved
, in the past tense. I am starting the long process of healing.

I decided to stay true to my dart—I am moving to Mercer Island, Washington. I could have chosen either Seattle or Bellevue—technically, it would have been okay; they are both within two miles of Mercer Island. But I love the idea of being on an island, even though a bridge connects it to land on two sides.

So I am not going to be out in the wilds, foraging for food when I need it; Mercer Island has grocery stores, restaurants, four Starbucks, and a bookstore, Island Books. It will take me two minutes by car to get to Seattle. This might actually be fun.

I was lucky to find an apartment right in the center of town on Mercer Island. The building is called the Mercer (appropriately). It has a workout room, a pool, and a Jacuzzi. The apartments are open and tasteful. I fell in love immediately with the sixteen-foot ceilings, the granite countertops, and the stainless-steel appliances. The floors are plank wood, and the cabinets are a lovely cherry wood. It feels classic and cozy at the same time. To top it off, it also has built-in Wi-Fi. I’m all set.

Another plus is that a Starbucks sits right below my window. I can see the cars wind around the drive-through starting at 5:00 a.m. It smells heavenly. I couldn’t have picked a better location.

It is now May, so the weather is actually pretty good. I’ve been here only a week, so I know the gray days are bound to appear eventually. It’s so beautiful here, I don’t really care about the weather at all. This feels like home. My new life is beginning.

Chapter 14

The Betrayal

December

Jeremy

I can see a sliver of light through my consciousness. A sense of curiosity fills my mind. Why do I feel like my body is full of lead? I take the sheets off my head. I am sweating profusely. My stomach roils. What in the hell is going on? Shit. I feel like death. I never get sick. I open my eyes very slowly. I look around my dark bedroom. I see the sunlight starting to shine through a thin opening in the drapes. I need to see the time—I’m usually up way before sunrise. I turn to my clock—it’s 9:30 a.m. Whoa, no way! I try to sit up. I’m dizzy.

Not today. I have too much to do. I promised Mattie I would make the final arrangements for our honeymoon. Mattie is in charge of all the wedding arrangements; my job is making all the travel plans for our dream vacation. Bali—I can’t wait.

With that thought, I try to rise again. I feel something move next to me. What the hell? There is someone in my bed. My fuzzy brain tries to process what is happening. I look over. It’s Sarah. Every
curse word I have heard throughout my entire life flips through my brain. “What the hell are you doing here?”

Sarah looks up at me with a smile. “You don’t remember?” She leans over next to me. “How about I give you a refresher?”

At that moment, I hear the front door opening. I hear the excited clip-clopping of shoes coming right for the bedroom. I know that sound. It’s Mattie in her ridiculously tall heels (she says that nature didn’t give her height, so Jimmy Choo would do the honors). Sarah does a quick disappearance under the sheets. The door opens. It’s Mattie. I see her face. My life as I know it is over.

Two Months Later: February

I am barely functioning, going through my daily duties. I feel numb, disconnected from the world. Everyone keeps asking me, “How are you doing?” “Are you okay?” I give the same answer time after time: “I’m fine.” I wonder if they know how messed up I am. I’m not okay. I’m not fine. I have lost my one and only hope for happiness. The one person who believed in me, trusted in me, is gone. Mattie loved me
with an intensity and honesty that ruined me for any other woman. I will never love again. The loss of love is too painful.

I can’t believe this has happened—but I did it. This is my fault, which makes everything so much harder. I crushed any hopes for either of us. One night—that’s all it took. One stupid night, a night that I can’t even remember.

I know I should contact Mattie. I’ve reached for the phone hundreds of times. What can I say? No words can make this right. She doesn’t deserve the pitiful excuses that want to come out of my mouth. I want to say I’m sorry. Stupid, stupid words. Nothing can make this right. No words, no actions. I want to tell her it wasn’t intentional. I didn’t mean to ruin us. I made promises to Mattie. I’ve broken everything. I’ve broken us.

I struggle every day to find a way back. I want Mattie. I need her. My mind is constantly trying to put together the words to assure her that something like this would never happen again. How can I ever promise Mattie anything when I don’t even know what happened?

Sarah has not been any help at all. She keeps saying that everything will be okay. How can everything be okay ever again? I am sick every time I look at Sarah. Gone is any respect I once had for her,
and for myself. We both deserve the misery our actions have caused. Except Sarah doesn’t seem all that miserable. Why is that?

It’s seven o’clock one Saturday morning, and someone is knocking on my door. What the hell? I had just fallen back to sleep after another sleepless night, and I don’t want to get up. I reluctantly drag myself out of bed. The knocking has turned to pounding, and now the doorbell is being pushed repeatedly. “For God’s sake, hold on!” I grab a bathrobe and make my way to the door. This had better be good.

I look at the security panel. Damn. It’s Kaye and my mom. I don’t want to talk to them about this. They are going to be so pissed that I screwed this up. I’ve been avoiding this conversation for months. I consider going back to my room, when I hear Kaye shout, “Don’t even try it, Jeremy! We aren’t leaving until you open up!”

I swing open the door, turn my back on them, and head for the kitchen. I’m going to need some coffee to get through this. I occupy myself with the task of putting the coffee beans in the grinder so I won’t have to look at them. I can feel both my mom and Kaye standing behind me.

Finally, I hear, “So, you can’t avoid this forever. You haven’t told us anything since your message about the wedding being canceled. You won’t return any of our calls. What happened?”

I turn around and face them. I look at my mom and say, “I blew it, Mom. I ruined the best thing in my life.” What more can I say?

She shakes her head no. “There was too much love between you two to give up. You and Mattie can overcome whatever you think you ruined.”

Yeah, I wish. “There are things that I can’t talk about or explain to either of you. Just take my word for it—Mattie deserves better.”

“No!” my mom shouts. “She deserves you! Don’t talk like that. What has gotten into you?”

I sigh. “Me.”

Kaye pipes in, “Jeremy, we’ll go talk to her, I’m sure things can be worked out.”

“No! If I ever ask you for anything in my life, this will be it. I don’t want you contacting her. It will only make her feel worse. I’ve done enough. Please don’t add to it. Will you promise me?”

Mom and Kaye reluctantly agree. Mom has tears in her eyes. “We won’t interfere, dear. Please tell us, what can we do to help?”

I look at them sadly. “I don’t think there’s anything that anyone can do.”

Three Months Later: March

I am pathetic. I have taken to stalking. The problem is, I haven’t seen Mattie leave her house for the past three weeks. She must go out during the day. Unfortunately, I still have to work. Once I leave my office, around 7:00 p.m., I drive through McDonald’s or Wendy’s, anywhere quick and easy, and park myself four doors down and across the street from her house. If I follow my schedule for the past three weeks, I will wait in the car until the lights go out, around 11:30 p.m. I know Sarah isn’t living there anymore. The day after Mattie discovered Sarah and me in bed, she neatly stacked all of Sarah’s belongings in the driveway. I had a few boxes there too, also all placed carefully over to one side. Tucked into one of the boxes was a small jewelry box. I took it out and put it away. I couldn’t look at it. But I knew exactly what was inside.