Intentional (21 page)

August

Mattie

I’ve decided to pursue this closure thing. I still think about Jeremy every day. I’m done feeling this way. I need to—no, I
have
to—move on. I don’t like this tugging feeling every time I’m with Cade. We’re just friends, but it almost feels like I’m cheating on Jeremy. Emotions can be so irrational! Maybe it’s because I am still in love with Jeremy. Sad, yet true. I feel so foolish. Who in her right mind chooses to love a man who cheated? Not only did he cheat with some girl, it was my best friend. So, okay, I’ve realized that Sarah wasn’t my best friend, or even a friend. But I did think she was my best friend at the time.

Before I can move on, I know that I need to forgive both Jeremy and Sarah. Every time I think about either of them, it feels like acid is being poured into a wound, even after all these months. The feelings of betrayal are hurting me in the worst possible way and do not benefit me at all. Once I truly let go and forgive, I know I will have a chance at happiness again. The negative feelings I have for Jeremy and Sarah are weighing me down. I need to lighten my load. It doesn’t
matter if they ask for my forgiveness; I need to give it freely in order to be free myself.

To begin my process, I need answers to some long-awaited questions. “Why?” would be the first one. “How long had it been going on?” would be my next question. If I were really feeling brave, I’d ask Jeremy if he ever really loved me. It felt like he did. I wonder if he regrets it or if he feels relieved. Yes, Cade is right. I’ll never be at peace with this until I get answers.

I decide to take it in baby steps. I’m going to call Sarah’s parents first. I feel bad that I haven’t contacted them for so long. I wonder if they even know why we canceled our wedding. For all I know, Jeremy and Sarah are married now. It seems bizarre to even imagine it; I can’t fathom them together as a couple. It must be because I simply don’t want them to be one.

After a few rings, I hear Nancy Bailey’s familiar voice. I’m a little nervous. I say, “Hi, Nancy, how are you?”

I hear her gasp. “Oh my gosh! Mattie, where are you? What are you doing? Are you okay?”

“Yes, yes. I’m fine. I’m so sorry if you’ve been worried. I’m doing well.”

She sighs in relief. “Oh, Mattie. I’m so sorry about what happened.” So she does know.

“That’s okay. I needed to leave Sedona. I’m so sorry I didn’t contact you to let you know that I’m okay.”

She sounds sad. “I know how much you loved Jeremy. I know this couldn’t have been easy for you.”

“Yeah, I did love him. But I’m getting better.” I want to ask her if Sarah and Jeremy are together—it’s killing me.

“So, how have you been?” That’s not the question I really want to ask.

“Good, Mattie. Dan’s been transferred to Florida! Isn’t that perfect?” She laughs. “We’ll fit right in with the retired crowd!”

I say, “Not yet—you’ll always be young to me.” Okay, I need to spit this out. “How is everyone else?”

She knows I’m digging for information. “I’m not sure, Mattie. I haven’t talked to Sarah much. She called about three months ago and told me that you’d left Sedona. I was quite concerned. I asked her where you moved, and she said she didn’t know. I’ve been trying to contact her since, but she doesn’t answer my calls.”

I remember that Sarah would shut out her mom and dad for months; one time it was for more than a year. It sounds like the Baileys didn’t get the whole story. “So, Nancy, I don’t want to go into a bunch of details. But I didn’t leave on good terms with Sarah.”

The phone line is quiet. “What did she do?” It was a question, but it sounded more like a statement.

“Oh, Nancy, I don’t want to bother you with it. Just know that I’m okay. Hey, I’ve got to go. I promise to call more often. I really do apologize for making you worry.”

Nancy yells, “Wait! Don’t hang up yet. Where are you? Where did you move?”

I don’t want to tell her. “Nancy, I still need more time. I left Sedona to get some space and to heal. I’m getting there, but it’s going to take a little longer. I really don’t want to talk with either Sarah or Jeremy yet. I’m not ready. Do you understand?”

She pleads, “I promise, Mattie, I won’t tell!”

I laugh. “You know Sarah and Jeremy better than anyone—as soon as they find out that you know my location, they’ll pester it out of you! I think it’s better you don’t know. I promise to call more often so you don’t worry. I really am doing better!”

She gives in. “Okay, Mattie. Can you call next week?”

I laugh. “Sure.”

Chapter 35

August

Jeremy

I’m sitting in front of Doran Patrick, the investigator I hired five months ago. I’m pissed. “What the hell do you mean she’s vanished? Isn’t it your job to find people? I’ve spent thousands of dollars, and that’s all you have for me?”

He looks uncomfortable. “She hasn’t left a trail I can follow. She’s cut contact with everyone. I’ve called her high school and college friends, and they haven’t heard from her. If someone wants to disappear, it takes time to find her. I’ll find her, don’t you worry—it’s just going to take more time.”

I yell, “I don’t have any more time—don’t you get it?” I can feel myself losing it. Every second that goes by is painful. Mattie doesn’t know the truth. We should be together right now, and it’s killing me. I’m at my wits’ end. “I’ll give you two more weeks. If you don’t find her, I’ll expect my money back. I’m a lawyer—don’t you dare try to play games with me. I want answers! I need to find Mattie now!” I slam my fist onto his desk. He jumps, startled. I leave his
office, slamming his door. I feel a little bad for my behavior, but something has to motivate that slug!

I find myself pacing—again. I am so frustrated and filled with anxiety, that’s all I’m able to do. I almost wish I hadn’t taken the leave of absence—at least I would have had a way to fill my days, instead of driving myself insane. I thought by now I’d have found Mattie and I would be traveling to get her. I continue to keep Jimmy on standby—I check in with him every couple days to make sure he doesn’t take off on me.

The phone rings. Thank God—something to break the boredom. I don’t even care if it’s a solicitor; I just need a distraction. “Hello!” I’m a little aggressive with my greeting.

“Jeremy, is that you?”

The voice is familiar. “Who’s this?”

“It’s Nancy Bailey.”

Nancy Bailey—Sarah’s mom. I feel my heart sink. She probably wants to know where Sarah is. I want to tell her I don’t care if I ever see her again. “Hi, Nancy. I’m sorry, but I haven’t seen Sarah in months.” Thank God.

“Oh, that’s not why I called. Remember when you called me asking if I’ve heard from Mattie?”

I stop breathing. “Yes.”

“Well, she called!”

I want to sit down and cry in relief. I ask cautiously. “Please tell me she’s okay.”

“Oh, she’s just fine! We had a nice chat.”

“Nancy, where is she?”

She sighs. “I tried, Jeremy. I really did. She wouldn’t tell me. She says she isn’t ready to talk to either you or Sarah. Do you know what Sarah did to make Mattie not want to talk to her? Mattie has always been the one person who could put up with Sarah and all her moods. Did they fight?”

I answer, “Yes, Nancy—they fought. I really don’t think Mattie will ever want to be friends with her again. Sarah did something unforgiveable.”

“Oh my! What did she do?”

I answer, “I really don’t feel comfortable talking about it—you’ll need to ask Sarah.”

Nancy pauses. “Sarah has always had this weird jealousy of Mattie. I think it started when they were very young, but it got worse when Mattie’s parents died. I think Sarah thought Mattie took time away from her. I’ve always been worried that Sarah would lash out and hurt Mattie in some way. That’s what she’s done, isn’t it? Was Sarah the reason you and Mattie broke up?”

“No, she wasn’t the reason—but she was the cause.”

Nancy goes on, “I’m so sad for you two! I could tell that Mattie loved you with everything in her! You find her, Jeremy; you make this right!”

“I will. I have a private detective working on it. Nancy, did you save the number she called from?”

“I sure did.” Bingo!

Chapter 36

August

Mattie

I’ve been having this creepy feeling that someone is watching me. It’s happened a couple times this past week. It’s unnerving. I don’t know if it’s a sixth sense or what, but I keep finding myself looking around quickly to see if I notice anything out of the ordinary. I don’t. Maybe I’m imagining it. I decide to ignore it. Why would anyone be watching me, anyway?

I’m buzzing through my shopping at QFC when I run into Mary, almost literally. I veer my cart out of the way just in time. “What a nice surprise!” I say. Mary and I have been meeting for coffee every week. I have found that we have a lot in common. She’s warm and funny—just the kind of friend I need.

She says, “I’ve been looking for you; we’re planning a surprise party for Cade this Wednesday. It’s his birthday. He thinks everyone has forgotten. Can you come? Please say you’ll come!”

Is she crazy? “Of course I’ll come! I’m there every Wednesday anyway to watch the rehearsals. Can I bring anything?”

She smiles. “We were hoping you’d ask. Cade keeps raving about what a great cook you are! You would think you’re Martha Stewart or something.”

I laugh. “Yes, he’s been my guinea pig; I’ve been practicing on him. I’m glad to hear he thinks I’m good. I was worried that he was just being polite.”

Mary replies, “No way. He doesn’t just think you’re good; he thinks you’re great!” She pauses. “In more ways than one.”

I know what she’s getting at. “I’m getting there, Mary.” I’ve talked with her a lot about this. She knows my story, and she understands. She’s just really worried that Cade is going to get hurt. I worry about that too.

I make my famous phyllo dough stuffed with spinach and goat cheese. I plan to drive out to Mica’s house early, before the birthday boy arrives. I’m so excited; I haven’t been to a surprise party for years.

When I arrive, I’m greeted with shouts and whistles. Oh no—they are a lot worse without Cade here to calm them down. Scott grabs me and kisses me on the lips. I have to laugh, he’s being so naughty. I know it’s in good fun, though. Mary shoves him off me. “Behave!” she yells.

It’s so noisy in here—Cade’s going to hear it a mile away. I ask Mary, “When is Cade supposed to be here?”

She has to raise her voice over all the commotion. “In about a half an hour.”

I ask, “Who are all these people?” I look around—there must be over one hundred people in the barn.

“I’ll introduce you around.”

I’m not sure if I’m on board with that—it’ll take all night. “How about I meet all the people Cade knows?”

She looks at me and laughs. “That would be everyone. I’ll introduce you to the most important people first. Let’s start with his parents.” I stop suddenly. I don’t know if I’m ready to meet his parents. It shouldn’t matter; it’s not like we’re dating or anything. We’re just almost-dating friends, after all.

I follow Mary. I can do this. She stops in front of an older couple. Mary says hello to Jean and Paul Michaels and gives them a hug. She says, “I want to introduce a friend of mine. This is Mattie Parker.” I smile up at Cade’s parents, who are both very tall.

Jean looks startled. “This is Mattie?
The
Mattie?” I blush. I guess Cade has told them about me.

Mary answers for me: “Oh yeah, she’s the one!”

Now I’m embarrassed. Jean embraces me with gusto. “Oh, I’m so glad to finally meet you. I’ve heard so many wonderful things about you!”

“Thank you,” I manage to mumble. I’m at a loss here. What has Cade been saying?

I look over at his dad, Paul. I reach out to shake his hand. He says, “None of that!” and he gives me a huge hug. Now I know where Cade gets his good-natured personality.

At that moment, the lights blink and someone yells “Quiet, everyone! Cade’s almost here!” We all try to move away from the door so he won’t see us as he pulls up. I hear the car door close and his footsteps walking to the barn.

We all yell, “Surprise!” when he walks in the door. He looks around, confused. He takes in all the signs, the food, the people—recognition registers on his face. He smiles. “You got me!” Everyone laughs and starts talking at once. I see Cade looking around; he catches my eye, and I wave. He looks over to my left and sees his parents. His eyes widen a bit.

I’ve been having a nice conversation with Cade’s parents for about fifteen minutes when Cade finally makes his way over to us. Everyone wants to talk with him. He keeps getting grabbed before he can move two feet. He looks at me. “I see you’ve met my parents.”

“I have, yes.” I smile because he’s nervous and stating the obvious.

His mom pipes in, “Oh, Cade, she’s a delight! She’s even better than you described!”

Cade puts his hands over his face. “Mom! You aren’t supposed to say things like that!”

This is so funny to me. Here is this very manly guy, with tattoos, no less, whining back to his mom. This is priceless. I’m laughing so hard, Cade finally has to smile. He hugs his mom and dad. “I’m going to steal her away for a bit. I’m afraid of anything else you’re going to say.” They give me a hug and tell me how glad they are to have met me.

The rest of the party goes by in a whirl of activity. Music is piped in; everyone dances. The beer and champagne flow freely. We’re all having a great time.

I hear someone yell, “Hey, everyone—we have a problem!” I look around; everyone is looking at Mica. He says, “Someone has punctured all the tires outside.” I hear a collective groan. Mica’s property is huge. I didn’t count the cars parked over to the side, but there must be at least sixty.

We all make our way outside. Sure enough, almost every tire on every car has been punctured or slashed. It must be a group of kids out to cause trouble. I have never understood vandalism. What is the point of it, anyway? Mica calls the police. They arrive in about ten minutes. They ask all the usual questions: Did anyone see anything or anybody suspicious? Are there any surveillance videos? The answers are no and no. It looks like these vandals will get away with it. It’s so frustrating. I look at Cade. “Cab or tow truck?”