Instant Orgasm: Excitement at First Touch (18 page)

realize that proceeding full steam ahead, damn the torpedoes, will not work in this scenario. Creating sensual pleasure is more like practicing certain mar- tial arts, where one uses the opponent’s resistance to throw them. So the best move may be to back off and somehow make her come toward you. You could say something like, “I’d love to give you more, but it just does not seem that you want more” or, “I was having such a lovely time with you up till now, but it seems that you’ve had enough. Am I mistaken?”

A student was in our program to learn how to have bigger and better or- gasms. We had a couple of sessions a day with her, and the morning sessions were consistently more intense than the afternoon sessions. One day, just be- fore the scheduled afternoon session, we mentioned this to her, said we won- dered if she might be tired by the afternoon, and suggested taking a break from the second session that day. She agreed with us about her progress (which is a good sign), and said yes she was tired and felt we were right to suggest not proceeding to the bedroom that afternoon. As soon as she agreed with us and realized she did not have to engage in any sensual activity, she opened up and turned on. We picked this up and told her that whereas she seemed flat be- fore, we were now feeling quite a bit of desire coming from her. We told her we could change directions and have some fun, as now it seemed she was open to it. We quickly went to the bedroom and had our best session yet. By reading a person properly, telling them what we see, and having them agree with us, we can free up of a lot of energy that can be used for having fun.

Y Getting into Agreement Z

It is really important that the person receiving the pleasure agree with the analysis of the person producing the pleasure. When we call a person on some behavior, the moment they agree with our viewpoint they release some form of resistance. The agreement seems to allow the flow of energy to increase. Things will only get better from there. It is a form of surrender to say, “Yes, you are right; you hit the nail on the head.” As a man and often the pleasure giver, I really appreciate it when this happens. If my partner were to deny my feelings and argue with me, it would just create more resistance. Even if the other per- son is sure of their case, arguing about it does not bode well for their pleasure.

This, of course, does not mean that they cannot ask for something they want or correct an uncomfortable touch they are receiving. We just encourage them to do so in a way that is also pleasurable; for example, using the three- step training cycle. In other words, it helps to move things along smoothly if you can first get into agreement with the pleasure giver and only then bring up what you would like to change. There are many books on the market that discuss good communication techniques and how to promote interpersonal harmony, even when you think you disagree with the other person. One such

book is
Peace in Everyday Relationships,
by Sheila Alson and Gayle B. Burnett.

If you believe you could benefit from this sort of training, we encourage you to pursue it further.

What we are actually describing here is the best way to respond to some- one else’s viewpoints that are focused on your pleasure. Do you want to be right or do you want to have pleasure? Do you want your anger or do you want your pleasure?

The woman in the above example was not even in bed yet when she de- cided to be agreeable. This scenario clearly demonstrates the power of saying yes and surrendering and being in agreement with the way things are. It illus- trates how the orgasm often begins long before the actual going to bed and the tangible touching start. The dance begins when two people are just beginning to plan and talk about the pleasure that is available.

Y A Tangent? Z

Here we are in the middle of a description of how to pleasure a partner, and we keep getting closer to describing the techniques and then going off on some tangent about seducing your partner’s mind. This is not an accident. The most important part of giving someone pleasure is focusing your attention on them, and the most important part of pleasuring a woman is getting into her mind. If you are unable to seduce a woman’s mind, she is not going to surren- der her body. Our pattern of repeatedly moving in and backing off, then, is no tangent but an actual seductive technique that anyone who wishes to become a master at giving pleasure needs to know. The attention-focusing techniques that are so important to the seduction will also prove vital when touching for pleasure.

Y Reasserting Control Z

Some people avoid pleasure in bed by bringing up a topic related to everyday business. Your response depends on what kind of a distraction it presents. If it is brief and fun you can play with it by saying something like, “Oh, you would rather talk about that than about your pleasure.”

Sometimes the pleasure recipient will start to touch or stroke the body of the pleasure giver. This can be okay if agreed upon by both parties in advance. The important matter is whether the action serves to distract the recipient from focusing on her or his pleasure. Often it is a test to see if they can lessen your degree of control.

In response to any of these scenarios, keep things playful. Use your seduc- tive wiles with even more intent. Use push/pull till you get your partner out of the position of delegating the action. The fastest way to regain control is to get into agreement, so do not argue with them, and by all means do not just keep on rubbing on them. Instead, agree that it is time to do something differ- ent, that they probably have had enough stimulation. Push them further than they expect you to. Then you will be back in the driver’s seat and can suggest new ideas.

Y The Role of Chemistry Z

What almost every recipient of pleasure wants is to find someone with whom they feel safe enough to give it up to. Lust, or chemistry, usually counts, too. They really do not want to win by taking over the controlling position. They may want to test you, however, to make sure you are a good partner for them to surrender to.

Some married couples may encounter problems concerning surrender- ing—mostly because they have misplaced part of the lust they originally had for each other. Some married people, often women, have allowed repressed anger to build up for years, and you know what that does to turn-on. Delib- erately seeking to enhance the pleasure in their marriage can help a couple move beyond even old anger. Still, sometimes getting help from a professional therapist is necessary. One way to keep the pleasure-to-anger ratio high in a relationship is to keep your communications up-to-date. Avoid letting any

negative feelings fester; make sure you express them as soon as you can. It may sound like a cliché, but communication is vitally important if you want to continue growing as a couple.

Remember, too, that even in long-term partnerships, a woman can always decide to turn up her “lust button,” which means she can touch her partner in such a way that he will have no choice but to surrender. She doesn’t have to look like a supermodel to work this charm. She has to be in love with her- self, enjoy herself, and take pleasure in what she is doing. She has to focus at- tention on her partner, noticing the things that turn him on, such as exposing some skin or touching him on his favorite spot or whatever. And, of course, by adding some sexy talk into the mix she can up the lust scale. Saying things that are sensual or nasty is a good idea for both women and men who want to reintroduce some lust and fun into their sexual activities. Knowing your part- ner’s fantasies can be helpful in determining what to say and what not to say to make them yearn to be touched by you. Seduction is really a mental game, and like any game the more you play the better you become.

Men do not have a lust button to call with, but they do have their wits and their seductive capabilities. To turn on a woman, a man must give her reasons to feel more intensely. Ways of doing this include talking and paying her lots of attention. Noticing and complimenting her before you get into the bedroom are excellent starting places. If you wait till you get her into the bedroom, it may be too difficult. More likely, she will resist even going that far. Another seduction technique for men is to learn the ways of pleasuring women; hope- fully you are doing this if you have read this far.

When partners first get together there are usually lots of chemical and hormonal catalysts available to spark the pleasure. But many couples who at first used chemistry to ignite their love lives are no longer having much fun in the bedroom. After a number of years the chemistry transforms from physi- cal abandon and attraction to love and caring. Sometimes the chemistry fades if there haven’t been any positive emotional additions to the relationship. Furthermore, most people have not learned or trained themselves or their partners about pleasuring, specifically about how to give a woman pleasure. Couples who come to us to learn how to use their hands to give each other pleasure greatly enhance the quality of their sex lives. The addition of these

skills can increase the level of fun in the bedroom far more than chemistry alone and can lead to a lifetime full of intimate encounters.

Y Hand Placement (on a Woman’s Body) Z

So now you’re touching your partner, wanting to provide her with instantly orgasmic sensations. How should you position your hands for maximum ef- fect? I’m right-handed, so I usually like to place my left hand so that it’s hold- ing onto the woman’s buttocks with the thumb at the base of her introitus (see Figure 8). This allows for lots of contact and gives her a sense of relaxing into my hand. I do not insert my thumb inside her vagina unless it is invited—that is, more or less sucked in. The placement of thumb at the introitus allows me to easily gauge the strength of her orgasmic contractions. Remember, now that you’re touching erectile tissue, use lots of lubricant.

Figure 8.
Placement of
second hand,
thumb at base
of introitus

We once had a student who’d recently had some medical problems. Be- cause of these issues she did not want anyone putting a finger inside her va- gina, let alone a penis, as she felt that any sort of insertion caused her irritation. She did not want me using my hand on her in the way described above (with my thumb at the base of her introitus), so we tried a number of different posi- tions to overcome this resistance while also incorporating some method for me to gauge the strength of her contractions. The solution we came up with

was for me to press the knuckles of my left fist gently against her perineum to monitor the contractions. At other times I gently placed one left finger a little higher into the introitus, closer to the clitoris (see Figure 9). Sometimes, at the beginning of a session, I used only my right hand to stroke her and did not use my left hand at all. Usually, after a few minutes of my stimulating her clitoris, she would relax enough to let me put my thumb and left hand in the forma- tion we’d agreed upon.