In Name Only (34 page)

When she reached
the staircase, it occurred to her that she needed to remind Jane to give
Kathleen a small portion of cheese as it had upset her stomach the last time
she had eaten a large piece.

She began to
descend the steps and she could hear faint chopping noises in the kitchen.  The
farther she went down, the clearer she could hear Kathleen’s giggles and
Isaac’s babbling.  Jane’s voice seemed unusually loud and resonating.  Caroline
stopped when she heard Jane mention her name.

“Miss Caroline
sure looks pretty these days, doesn’t she, Ma?”

“That she does,
I’m thinkin’.”

“Miss Caroline is
so full of grief that she can’t see how much he loves her.”

“Sure an’ I’m
thinkin’ ye be right.  Why, the way he’s lookin’ at her, it’s plain as the nose
on yer face how he feels.  Sure an’ that boy’s niver looked at a colleen the
way he looks at Miss Caroline.”

He? Who in the
world are they talking about?

“Yes, Ma.  Mr.
David sure does love her like a true husband.” Caroline quietly gasped at the
same time her daughter let out a squeal.

“Does my heart
good to see how much he loves and respects her.”

Caroline stood
transfixed and breathless on the steps. Quietly, she backed up the stairs and
into the front hallway.

Despite the cool
breeze coming in through the open foyer windows, Caroline began to sweat, her
breathing became shallow and her hands started to tremble.  She turned and absentmindedly
followed the edge of the staircase until she was facing the front door.  She
pressed her hands to her chest to quiet the pounding of her heart.

“This is
impossible.  I would know. He can’t. . .he wouldn’t.”  She forced herself to
breathe in and out several times. 

“Miss Caroline?” 
She gasped, then turned when she heard Jane’s voice, and saw her emerge from
the kitchen steps.

“Yes, what is it,
Jane?”

“Why, you look
like you’ve seen a ghost.  Are you unwell?”

“No, no, I’m
fine. Just warm, I suppose.” Caroline’s voice cracked and she fanned her face
with her shaking hands.

“Of course.  I
thought you were going to rest.”

“Yes, yes, I’ll
be going upstairs now.  What is it that you wanted, Jane?”

“Miss Kathleen wants
more cheese but I know you were saying that too much cheese binds her up,
doesn’t it?”

“Yes, yes, that’s
right.  Perhaps give her more apple slices or bread.”

“Yes, Ma’am.” 
Jane returned to the basement.

Caroline remained
in the front hall and leaned against the marble banister.  She wondered why the
servants thought David loved her. It really was an absurd notion.  Perhaps he
loved her as a brother loves his sister, but true, romantic, spousal love?  No,
that was impossible.

Later that
evening, unable to sleep, Caroline wandered through the house. 
Could Jane
and Patsie be right?
  She found herself dismissing the idea as ludicrous.
She passed by the downstairs study, then stopped. She turned the knob and found
the door unlocked. Opening it, she peered into the dark room, allowing her eyes
to adjust. The room smelled of pipe smoke, maple and old books.

Caroline lit a
small lamp on the desk and carried it to the bookcase.  She tilted her head to
read the titles of the books on the shelf at her eye level: “Union Business Catalogue,”
“World Almanac 1874,” “The Autobiography of Benjamin Franklin,” “Treatise on
Natural Philosophy,” “Lombard Street, A Description of the Money Market,”
“Ancient Society.”

Leaning down, she
read the titles on the shelf below. More world almanacs, more money market
books, not much of interest.

Caroline’s eyes
wandered about the room. David had been building a new ship and she moved
closer to get a better look. She turned on the gas sconce and bent down to
study the vessel. Not all of the sails were yet in place, but the ones that
were present were skillfully made. . .no, sewn.  Certainly, David could not
have done that work.  The fine wood construction, perhaps, but not the sails. 
She began to study the ships he had recently carved, but one in particular
captured her attention immediately.  It was a fine looking model, a larger
boat, one that seemed almost enshrined on the center top of the bookcase near
the window. There was writing on the side of the boat.  With the dimness of the
room, she was unable to see what was written there.  She lifted the oil lamp
high, but she could barely read the letters. “C-a-r-o. . .”  She gasped. 
“Caroline.”  She stepped back, her mouth open, her eyes staring at the vessel. 

She extinguished
the lamps and returned to her bedroom. She tossed and turned in bed, unable to
sleep.

Could it be true
that her former brother-in-law loved her as a husband should love a wife?
Thinking back, she tried to remember how they had interacted for the past year
and a half.  Seemingly insignificant actions, such as his avoiding eye contact
with her or stuttering when he spoke to her, now began to make sense in light
of this new information.

Her whole body
trembled.  If this was indeed true, it seemed a cruel irony that a person with
his background was married to someone who did not share the marriage bed with
him.  Then again, it was his fault that Liam died, wasn’t it?  Perhaps it was
more of a justice for him.

Caroline turned
down the lamp and attempted to banish those thoughts from her mind.

Chapter 38

A week later,
David emerged from the carriage in front of the house.  He wasn’t sure whether
Caroline would be watching from her upstairs window so he kept his gaze
downwards.  He tried not to glance at her too frequently.

If he knew that
she wasn’t looking at him, he would simply stare.  She rarely smiled these
days, but when she did – and of course, it was never a gesture directed toward
him –  that simple act gave fuel to his soul.

For the most
part, he was content with her being oblivious to him and he did his best to
keep out of her way.  Living in the same household made it impossible to
completely ignore her.  In fact, he found himself noticing every expression she
had, her sighs, her tones of voice, the way her lip curled when she was
reprimanding Kathleen.  Sometimes he would gaze at Caroline from the downstairs
study window, behind the drapes, of course, while she was playing with
Kathleen, watching how she, without restraint, offered all traces of remaining
love to her daughter.

Caroline had
grown up quickly in the year and a half since Lee had died.  But it gave him
hope when she laughed with childlike abandonment as she ran in the yard with
Kat.  Last week, however, Jane had mentioned Liam’s name and Caroline became teary-eyed,
attempting to hide it by turning away.  He had wanted to embrace her, to tell
her that, despite his stoic appearance, he frequently felt the same way.

On his part, he
tried not to think about his brother because he would weep and he wouldn’t allow
himself to cry anymore.

Despite the arm’s
length approach, his love for her deepened every day.  And the fact that he was
living a celibate life and that she could care less about him seemed the
perfect penance. But what made almost no sense to him was that he wasn’t sad or
angry about the fact that their relationship more closely resembled that of a
brother and sister.

“Miss Caroline
and Miss Kathleen are probably waiting for you in the foyer, Mr. David,” he
heard Kip say.

“Yes, thank you,
Kip.  I’ll be there momentarily.”

*  *  *

Caroline paused
by her bedroom window and watched David emerge from the carriage.  Unlike Liam,
David didn’t glance up to see if she were there.  Now Caroline scrutinized his
every movement, the way he walked, the manner in which he conducted himself. 
She never studied him so closely before today.

Jane had been
right.  Caroline had been too wrapped up in her grief and too preoccupied with
taking care of Kathleen to notice him as anything but a brother-in-law who had
been forced into marrying her.

What of this new
information?  If David truly loved her as a husband loved a wife, why had David
not told her how he felt?

Should she react
with disgust or be flattered? It seemed evident that he had expected nothing in
return, no love, no physical affection.  And it must be an arduous task for him
to be near someone he loves so much and not be able to demonstrate his
affection.

Caroline wondered
whether she ought to confront him and perhaps tell him about the conversation she
overheard.  After pondering it for the last few days, she had come to the
conclusion that they ought to separate, with David in Boston, and that she
should stay here and run the household and hire someone to run the mercantile
business from Philadelphia.  That would be the only way this whole charade
would be tolerable.

She gathered her
skirts and rushed down the back staircase to get Kathleen so that they could be
in the foyer when David walked in.  Caroline picked up her daughter, then
hurried up the stairs.  She stood in the foyer, somewhat out of breath from the
jaunt up the stairs.

David came in
amidst the happy squeals of Kathleen.

“Papa, Papa!” she
yelled, in her sweet voice.  She was so excited that she tried to squirm out of
her mother’s arms. 

David’s eyes
brightened as Caroline set her down. Kathleen ran to him and he lifted her in
his arms. He was laughing and smiling as Kathleen kissed his cheek.

“How’s my Kat
been?  Been good for Mama?”

“Papa, Papa!”

David placed
Kathleen down, then glanced at Caroline with a guarded smile.  Caroline tried
to return the gesture but was sure that she appeared as if she were grimacing.

“Caroline.”

“Hello, David,”
she said, now avoiding eye contact.

“Miss Caroline,
do you want me to take Miss Kathleen upstairs for her bath?”

Caroline nodded. 
“Yes, thank you.”

“I’ll see you
after your bath, Kat.”  David handed Kathleen to Jane, who took her up the
stairs.

Caroline was left
alone with David in the foyer.  Caroline decided that this would not be the appropriate
time to mention anything, so she stared at the different paintings on the wall.
David cleared his throat and asked, “How are you, Caroline?”  Caroline choked
back a sob. 
Why does he have to sound so much like Liam?

“Fine, thank you.
I trust your trip went well?”  She kept her gaze down.

“Very well, thank
you.”

The loud chiming
of the grandfather clock caused her to glance at his face.  His head was just
turning towards the chiming sound.  Seven o’clock.

“Well, I must go
upstairs to choose a story for Kat.  I missed reading to her.  Good night,
Caroline.”

“Good night.”

Later that
evening, Kathleen’s whimpers woke Caroline out of a deep sleep.  “Papa, want
Papa.”

“Now, now, Papa
is resting in his room, Kathleen.” Caroline leaned down to comfort her
daughter.  “We can’t disturb him.  He’s had quite a long journey and I’m sure
he’s very tired.”

“Want Papa!”

“I know you do,
Kathleen, but. . .”

“Want Papa,”
Kathleen now screamed.

Knocking at
Caroline’s bedroom door, followed by David’s voice.  “It’s David.  Is Kathleen
calling for me?”

Caroline swung
the door open.  David was dressed in sleeping attire and a robe.

“Yes, I’m afraid
she is.  I didn’t want to disturb you.”

“You wouldn’t be disturbing
me.” David stepped into the room, leaned into the crib and gathering Kathleen
into his arms.

“Papa, papa,” she
said, snuggling up under his neck.

“Shhh,” David
comforted her, stroking her white blond hair, which looked blue in the
darkness. “You missed me, Kat?”

“Papa, Papa.”

“I missed you too.”

David rocked back
and forth with Kathleen in his arms, and began to hum a calming lullaby. 
What
a beautiful voice he has
.  Caroline shivered, then she realized that she
had forgotten to cover herself before answering the door to David’s knocking.  She
slipped on her robe, then approached the crib a few feet away from David.

David kissed the
top of Kathleen’s head and gently placed her back inside the crib.  He stood
for several moments and watched her sleep in the darkness.

“Perhaps you
ought to keep your oil lamp burning, Caroline.”

“Very well.”

“It must be
frightening for her to wake up and have it be so dark.”

Caroline lit the
lamp until it produced a soft glow.  When she glanced at him, he was just
looking away from her. He again stared at Kathleen’s small sleeping form inside
the crib.  Caroline looked past him and her eye caught a glimpse of her
mother’s Bible on the dresser.