In Name Only (36 page)

When they were
together in the clearing and before she had revealed ‘the urgent matter,’ he
had noticed that she was shaking and nervous. That made him love her more. 
Since when did she feel or act nervous around him?

 Caroline had
said that she wanted to discuss the matter further.  He could not figure out
what more needed to be discussed.

It was now
midnight and he guessed that she had fallen asleep. If that was the case, he
could now lie down and drift off.

“Mama, no,”
Kathleen’s screams pierced the silence of the night.  David woke quickly and
was at their open doorway within seconds.

“Shhh, Sweet,
it’s fine, you’re safe,” Caroline whispered to Kathleen.  She turned toward
David. “A nightmare, I’m afraid.”

“Here, allow me.”
He tried to gently embrace his daughter.  The toddler continued thrashing and
screaming for several long minutes.

David began
humming and soon, Kathleen was sleeping calmly in his arms.  He carefully laid
her down in her crib. He watched her sleep, the soft glow of the fire and the
dimly lit oil lamp barely illuminating all three of them.  Caroline made no
noise, but sat on the side of the bed.

“Thank you,” she
whispered.  “She’s just started having horrible nightmares during the past week
or so that you’ve been gone.”

“I see.” He took
a deep breath then he stared at the floor. “Good night, Caroline.”

As he backed out
of the room to leave, Caroline called, “Wait.”

He stopped and
glanced up. “Yes?”

“We do need to
finish our conversation.  I fell asleep.”

“Yes.”

“Perhaps we could
go to the study across the hall, like you suggested earlier.”

“Very well. We’ll
just leave the door open in both rooms and we should be able to hear her if she
wakes again.”

Caroline nodded
and followed him across the hall. 

David walked to
the oil lamp and lit it, the soft flame now subtly lighting the area.  She was
so close that he could smell her hair, the sweet scent of flowers.  When he
turned to face her, she was staring at different sections of the room.  She
pointed to the books and violin. “Those are Liam’s.”

“Yes.  I wanted
to make sure that Lee was a part of this room so I moved some of his books
here.” He glanced at the bookcase and Liam’s violin placed neatly on the top
shelf. 

“You’ve done a
wonderful job.  But I haven’t really been in this room since you’ve transformed
it.  I couldn’t bring myself to do so.”

David lifted the violin
off the stand, picked up the bow and blew some of the dust off of it.  He began
playing. 

“You also play
the violin?”

He nodded.  “I
haven’t picked it up in years.  I learned at the same time as Lee, but never
had any time for practice, so I don’t play nearly as well.”  He paused. 
“Besides, it was our mother who encouraged us.  Father believed that it was too
feminine to play an instrument, especially classical songs, and I suppose that
I agreed with him.”

“Play more. .
.please.”

“I’m not sure
what I remember, but I’ll make an attempt.”  He walked to the door and closed
it. “I don’t want to wake Kat.”

As he began to
play a slow, quiet song, David reveled in the fact that she was watching him
and he wanted to perform well for her.  However, he hadn’t touched a violin in a
long time and his performance was mediocre, at best.

“It’s a travesty
that you have not played in a long time, David.”

“I suppose it
is.”

Caroline glanced
away.

David returned
the instrument to its place on the shelf, then stood close to her, causing her
to step back. 

“What do you
think needs to be further discussed?” he asked.

“I don’t think
it’s fair for you to be married to someone who does not feel the same way you
do.”

“Any more than it
is to be married to someone you’ve been forced to marry?”

Her glance
lowered. “I don’t know.”

“Caroline, I have
learned that life is not fair.” He paused, then continued. “For so many years,
I only saw women as things which could satisfy my. . .”

Caroline raised
her eyebrows.

“When Kathleen
was born, it made me realize. . . to simply think of some man doing to her what
I have done to so many young women made me want to hang myself.”

“You have
changed.  This is evident.”

“Yes, I have.”

“And what of
marriage?  You could be married to anyone and there would be many who would be
willing to marry you.”

“But I am already
married, and I am content to remain married to you, to follow through on my
part of the bargain, unless of course, you wish to marry someone else.”

“That will not
happen, David.  And I am content with the current situation, but it’s awkward,
now that I know how you feel.”

Avoiding eye
contact, he said, “I would never pressure you to have any relationship with me
other than the one we currently have, Caroline. I love you that much.”  There,
he said it.  Actually saying it to her, sharing a part of his soul, liberated
him.

They remained
quiet for a moment, then her voice came as a whisper. “When. . .did this
happen?  This. . .love for me.”

He brought his
gaze upwards.  “I can’t say a day or an hour, Caroline, but even before you
were married to Lee, I was attracted to you.  By the time Lee was near death, I
didn’t want to admit it to myself, but I felt a love for you that was different
than what a brother-in-law ought to feel.  When Lee asked me to marry you, part
of me wanted to say “Yes, I’ll marry her, I love her.”  He hesitated. “But I
knew how you felt about me. I knew that I was a nuisance to you, which is why I
tried to avoid you when I could.  I did not want to make your pain any greater
than it was.”

“You were not a
nuisance.  I was still resentful that I was forced to marry you.”

“To be honest, I
was also resentful.  It’s probably one of the reasons I drank so heavily the
morning of our marriage.  I have always despised being forced into anything.”  There
was an awkward pause. “It’s probably best that we return to our rooms.”  David
felt such a strong desire to embrace her.  Knowing that he couldn’t, or
shouldn’t, he stepped back and turned the oil lamp off.

Caroline nodded
and waited in the hallway, then stood in the doorway of her room.

As he was closing
his bedroom door, he heard her call his name. 

“Yes?”

“Would it be
acceptable for me to join you in the evenings when you are reading to
Kathleen?”

“Certainly. But I
cannot promise not to quote scripture since some of the stories I tell her are
from the Bible, Caroline.”

“Yes, I know. 
And I wouldn’t be asking you to promise that.  I was hoping that you would read
from the Bible.”

“You were?”

“Yes.”

“Then I would
like that very much.”  He paused.  “What about now?”

“Now?  Well, yes,
I suppose so.”

“I’ll return in a
moment,” he said.  “Perhaps you can wait for me in the study?”  He quickly
picked up his Bible from his bedside table.  He knew the ideal book they could
read together, one which spoke to his heart.  “Would you mind if we read from
the Canticle of Canticles?” he asked, as he lit the gas lamp and pulled two
chairs around the small desk. “Then perhaps we can read a favorite reading of
yours, if you’d like.”

“Yes, very well.”

He opened to the
center, paged to the beginning and began reading.

“
Let him kiss
me with the kiss of his mouth; for thy breasts are better than wine. . .”

“David?

“Yes?”

“This is the Song
of Solomon,” she whispered.

“Yes, I suppose
that is what the protestant Bible calls it.  My Douay Bible calls it the
Canticle of Canticles.”

Her face was
noticeably flushed.  She was anxiously rubbing her hands together and staring
at the floor.

“Is something
wrong?” he asked.

She remained
silent and kept her head lowered.

David sighed.  He
sat back in his chair and opened his mouth to speak, then reconsidered.  He
supposed that he had been too enthusiastic in wanting to read this particular
book out loud.  Although it was one of his favorites, he should have known this
would have upset her or, at the very least, make her uncomfortable.  And yet
with its imagery, it served as one of the most beautiful illustrations of
divine love.

He wished that he
could explain to her that the imagery is meant to compare God’s passionate love
to spousal love.  He wanted to tell her that he probably understood this book
of the Bible more than most people because it helped him to understand the
mystery of the deep burning love God has for all of us.

However, for now,
he could not share those things with her. Which other book of the Bible could
he read out loud?  Which book would help her to see how they could best
approach their own situation?

“Perhaps we might
read from Ephesians then?”

She exhaled, as
if she had been holding her breath. “Yes, that would be fine.”

“St. Paul to the Ephesians, 5:21-32.”

“
Being subject
one to the other in the fear of Christ. Let women be subject to their husbands,
as to the Lord.  Because the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ is the
head of the church. He is the savior of his body.  Therefore, as the Church is
subject to Christ, so also let the wives be to their husbands in all things. 
Husbands, love your wives, as Christ also loved the Church and delivered
himself up for it
.”

He continued
reading further on.

“So also ought
men to love their wives with their own bodies. 
He that loveth his wife,
loveth himself
.”

He looked up to
see Caroline again fidgeting in her seat and avoiding eye contact.

“David?”

“Yes?”

“I’m quite
tired.  Might we read from the Bible again tomorrow?”

“Certainly.”

“I should like
you to read from one of the Gospels, if you could?”

“Yes.” He paused.
“I would like that very much.”

He closed his
Bible, turned off the gas lamp and joined her in the hallway.

“Caroline?”

“Yes?”

“Perhaps I
shouldn’t have read from the Canticle of Canticles.  I suppose the detailed
nature of the imagery was awkward for you?”

She blushed.

“I apologize.  I
didn’t mean to offend you.  This is, after all, the Bible.”

“Yes, I know,
but. . .”

“Next time, we
shall read from the Gospels then, if you would prefer.”

“Yes.”

“Goodnight,
Caroline.” Moonlight streamed in through the hall window and landed like a
square in the hallway near her room.

David stared at
her as she walked across the hallway. He went to his own room and shut the
door.

Chapter 41

The following
morning, Caroline woke to find Kathleen missing from her crib.  She put on her
robe and, leaning her head out in the hallway, called for Jane, who appeared
momentarily.

“Yes, Ma’am, what
is it?”

“Where is
Kathleen?”

“Mr. David took
Miss Kathleen to Vernon Park.”

“Why did you not
wake me?”

“You seemed to be
sleeping pretty soundly.  Miss Kathleen was in her crib quietly playing.  Mr.
David asked me to dress her so he could take her to the park and allow you some
rest time.”

“I intend to
dress but I’ll be down for breakfast.”

“Will you be
needing some help?”

“No, I shall be
fine, Jane.  My new corset ties in the front.”

Later, Caroline
entered the hallway. She hesitated at the closed door of the upstairs study. 
She opened the door, crossed the room and glanced at the desk, then recalled
David reading from Bible.  It was an awkward moment with him choosing to read
from the only book of the Bible which made her blush.  However, he did
apologize; he was not purposefully trying to embarrass her.

At the bookcase,
Liam’s violin stood neatly on the shelf above her eye level, the bow beside
it.  Caroline let out a long, winded sigh.  It seemed such an awful waste for
his violin to sit, unused, gathering dust.

She recalled
David’s playing last night.  He did not have Liam’s polished technique, but she
was certain he could play better with practice. She lifted the violin from the
stand and held it for a moment. She caressed the side of it.

Caroline scanned
the closest bookcase for sheet music. Not finding any, she studied the room,
perusing another book case. She laid the violin and bow on top of the desk,
then quickly searched the drawers.  In the bottom one, stacks of sheet music
were haphazardly thrown in.  Carefully, she lifted out the top half of the
stack and placed them on the desk beside the violin. She paged through the
sheets, “The Shepherd Boy,” “Northern Pearl,” “Grandfather’s Clock.”  Several
more pages had Liam’s handwritten notes of music he had composed, and more
songs with which she wasn’t familiar, then “Oft in the Stilly Night,” the song
which David had said their mother had sung to them at bedtime.