In Name Only (30 page)

She opened the
door to discover Jane’s smiling face.  Beyond her was Liam’s room and the
sorting process.  “I know it’s been cool, but your baby hasn’t had any fresh
air recently and she’s almost two months old.  It’s a warm day today.”

Jane continued. 
“You haven’t even been to church since you and Mr. David got married.”

Caroline cringed.
“I have no need of church.  Not anymore.”

“You keep
yourself cooped up in this room and this isn’t healthy for her, or for you.”

Caroline shrugged
her shoulders.  “Jane, I am still mourning.” 

Jane scowled. “Mourning
doesn’t mean you can’t take in some fresh air.”

“Well, perhaps
later.  She’s sleeping and I don’t want to disturb her.”

“Very well then. 
Let me know when she’s awake.”

Caroline nodded
and again her eyes were drawn to the commotion in Liam’s room. Watching David,
she again was struck by just how unemotional he really was.  Did the man have a
heart of stone?

“He acts as if he
hasn’t lost a brother.”

“Begging your
pardon, Miss Caroline, but different people grieve in different ways.”

“I haven’t seen
him shed one tear since Liam died.”

“Again, meaning
no disrespect, just because you haven’t seen him show his emotions doesn’t mean
he don’t have any.”

“I will not
forget that I loved Liam.  Why has he?”

“I don’t know any
brothers that loved each other more than Mr. Liam and Mr. David.  Two such
different men. . .”

Caroline shook
her head. “Jane, I still believe that you harbor some romantic notions of
David.”

Jane let out a
chuckle.  “No, no, definitely nothing of that sort.  But I do know Mr. David
quite well.  I’ve been in this household for many years.  I’ve watched him and
Mr. Liam become men.  Mr. David, well, he is. . .he’s not what you think.”

“Well, I don’t
know about that.”

“He has shown
great strength over these past few months.”

Noises from the
far end of the hallway in the west wing caught her attention.  “What’s going on
down there, Jane?”

“Mr. David’s
asked us to clean out his mother’s room as well.”

Caroline closed
the door and stared at her daughter in the crib.  The wonder of new life, a
child who wasn’t alive a year ago.  “Just a thought in the mind of God,” she
said aloud as she recalled the phrase her father used when referring to
Caroline before she came into the world.

Yet this
miniature human being had transformed Caroline’s life so much that she was no
longer the same person.  Her heart seemed connected to this child by an
invisible, yet ever present umbilical cord, a connection which urged Caroline
to check her frequently at night to see if she was breathing, to listen to her
catching her breath, watch her suck in her sleep. She loved this child so much
that it hurt to think of anything bad happening to her.

And what if
Caroline died? What if David were the only parent she knew? Her daughter would
never remember anything about this or about Caroline. 

“Miss Caroline?”

“Yes, Jane, what
is it now?”

“Mr. David said
to give you something else.”

“Yes, very well.”
She opened the door.  Jane stood in the doorway with a tiny box in her hands.

“We found this in
Mr. Liam’s desk.  It appears as if he was planning to give this to you when
Miss Kathleen was born.”

“What is it?”

“Open it, Miss
Caroline.  I think you’ll be pleased.”

Caroline opened
up the box, and gasped quietly.  Inside was a beautifully simple cameo pin with
the painted word “mother” at the bottom.  On the gold backing, Liam had
engraved,
COD with love LOD
, a blank space, then 1877.  Inside the box,
a small note from Liam, “when baby is born, make arrangements for engraver to
fill in date.” 

Caroline blinked
back the tears and straightened, then began to weep.  Jane pulled her mistress
to a close embrace.

“Now, now, Miss
Caroline.  I knew it might make you cry, but you had to see that it’s a most
beautiful pin.  Mr. Liam, he was so thoughtful, wasn’t he?”

“Yes, he was,”
she said, as she wiped her eyes with the back of her hand.

Jane
affectionately rubbed her mistress’ arm.  Caroline pulled away and shut the
door.  She kept her hand on the knob for a few seconds. 
Jane can probably
assist me in identifying some of the items in Liam’s box.
  Immediately, she
swung open the door.  In the hallway, Kip was leaning against Jane.  Caroline
sensed that it was an intimate conversation and not the normal sort that
servants engage in.

“Oh, I. . .”
Caroline stepped into the hallway and glanced from Jane to Kip.

“Excuse me, Miss
Caroline.  Is there something you need?” Jane looked flushed.

“Yes.”

Kip nodded toward
Caroline, then backed away and into Liam’s former room.

“So what was it
that you wanted?” Jane asked, smoothing her skirts.

“I wonder if you
might help me to identify some of the items in Mr. Liam’s box on my bed.”

“Of course,
Ma’am, if I can be of help.” Jane stepped inside her room and Caroline closed
the door.

“So Jane,”
Caroline hesitated. “How long has this. . .romance with Kip been going on?”

Jane’s eyes
widened.  “I don’t know what to say.”

“It’s fine,
Jane.  How long?”

“A year past.” 
She paused.  “I hope this won’t jeopardize either my or Kip’s position here.”

Caroline shook
her head.  “I’m sure we can work something out.”

“Miss Caroline,
you don’t know how relieved I am.  I wasn’t sure about. . .”

“I wish you had
come to me, Jane.”

“I know, but Mr.
Liam was strict about that kind of behavior, servants marrying other servants
in the same household.”

“I see.”

“And I don’t know
if he agreed with white folks marrying colored folks.  Of course, I think that
people ought to be free to marry whoever they love.  That’s what Kip’s parents
believed too.  Kip told me that his Pa was a white abolitionist who helped
slaves escape through the Underground Railroad.  He was only 19 when he took a
group of runaway slaves to the Canadian border.  One of the families had a
pretty 16 year old and Kip’s Pa fell in love with her the moment he saw her.”

“That’s a lovely
story, Jane.”

“Do you think Mr.
David will be fine with this?  I mean, you don’t think he’ll let Kip or me go,
do you?”

“I don’t know. I
mean, I do know this sort of thing is frowned upon, but you are both
hardworking servants.  I, for one, don’t want either of you to leave.”

“Thank you for
saying so, Ma’am.”

Caroline pointed
to the bed where the cigar box lay open.  She picked up the packaged pocket
watch and carefully unwrapped it.

“That’s Mr.
Jack’s watch.  I think Miss Emma gave that to Mr. Liam after the fire.”

“I see.”  She
picked up the envelope with the coins and took out the note.  “Do you know
anything about this, Jane?”

“No, Ma’am.” Jane
studied the note.  “Although it looks like Mr. Jack’s writing.”

“Thank you,
Jane.  You’ve been helpful.”

“Now, remember,
Miss Caroline, when the baby wakes up, we must get some fresh air for her.”

“Yes, of course.”

When the servant
left, Caroline sat on the bed and her eyes swept from the envelope with the
coins to the smoke-laden watch.  All of a sudden, it occurred to her that she
really hadn’t known Liam or much about his past. 

Chapter 31

Caroline busied
herself in her room as baby Kathleen slept again that afternoon. Her eyes were
drawn to the cigar box on the dresser.  She picked it up and sat near the
window, placing the box on the sill.  A warm breeze caressed her cheek and
Caroline closed her eyes and welcomed it.

Jane was correct
that it was a beautiful fall day, the colorful leaves at their peak.  She
resolved to take her daughter outside when she woke up from her nap.

Below the window,
her eyes caught sight of David walking below and toward the forest.  Caroline
cringed.

He never
changes, does he?  He’s probably meeting Uncle’s new servant girl.  I’d like to
give him a piece of my mind and I don’t care if he’s engaged in any sort of
improper activity
.

“Miss Caroline,
may I come in?”

“Yes, Jane.”

Opening the door,
the servant reminded Caroline: “Don’t forget.  When the baby wakes, we ought to
take her for a walk.  It’s warm and fresh air is necessary for little ones.”

“Yes, of course. That
would be fine.”  Caroline paused and glanced down at the scene below her
window. “Do you think you could remain here with the baby for a few moments? 
There is a matter I must attend to.”

“Certainly.  You
go ahead and do whatever it is you need to do.”

Caroline went in
haste down the staircase and onto the porch.  As she stepped down onto the
stone drive, it occurred to her that this was the first time she had been
outside in the two months since her daughter was born.  It was indeed a warm,
sunny day, the sky a deep blue, the few clouds an eggshell white.  The air
smelled like crisp fresh leaves.

At the forest,
she followed a short pathway which first led to a small clearing.  She stood in
the middle of the area and listened.  All she heard was silence, except for a
few birds.

She proceeded to
the other side where a patch of grass had been flattened to form a trail.  Up
ahead, light suggested that she would soon come upon another open space. 

She stepped
quietly and carefully along the trail.  At the edge of the clearing, she
stopped.  She held her hand to her mouth to silence her gasp as she stared at
the scene before her.

David was
kneeling in front of a gravestone, his hands clasped in front of him, his head
bowed.

She turned around
to leave and stepped on dried leaves. He immediately stood up.  “Caroline,
what. . . are you doing here?”

“I followed you
because. . .”

“You followed
me?”

“Yes, I. . .” Her
eyes were drawn to the gravestone, situated at the center of the clearing, a
stone sculpture of an angel on top of it.  “What are you doing here?”

“I come here
every day.”

“Why ever do you
come. . .here?”

“To pray, to
gather my thoughts.”

“You come to this
spot to pray?”

He nodded. 

“I. . .I’m
sorry,” she offered.  “I didn’t mean to disturb you.”  She turned and began to
walk away.

“Caroline, wait. 
I’ll follow you out.”

Caroline
cringed.  She wanted to forget that she had disturbed him.  All she had wished
to do when she saw him entering the forest was to humiliate him and instead,
she had been humiliated.

She kept silent
as he followed her; every few moments he guided her by telling her to go left
or right. With each step, she wanted to find a rock to crawl under. 

As they emerged
from the forest, she wished that she could bolt to the house, with no further
words.  Instead, she stopped and heard him do the same behind her.  She slowly
turned and faced him, but avoided eye contact.  “I’m sorry.  I should never. .
.”

“It’s fine,” she
heard him say.

“Miss Caroline,
the baby’s awake.” Jane called from the window above them, the baby crying at a
high pitch.  “May I dress her and bring her down?”

“Just a moment,
Jane.  I will need to. . .” As Caroline’s milk let down, she pressed her hand
against her chest, then she glanced at David, his gaze upward and directed
toward Jane at the bedroom window.  “I shall be there in a moment.” She rushed
to the porch and up to her room.

*  *  *

The bedroom was
empty; his mother’s bed and most of her belongings were now in the attic. Her
room still smelled faintly of her.  Lavender soap.  Memories filled David’s
mind, of sitting on her lap, of her singing to him.

Now that Lee was
gone and his room was cleared out, this was an opportune time to clean out this
space. Time to move forward.

David began to
walk, the soft click of his shoes echoing throughout the emptiness. Now
standing in the middle of her barren room, he became filled with regret.  This
was the place where his mother had spent most of her days and nights.  Yet in
recent years, before she died, he couldn’t remember saying more than a few
words to her daily. Too many other activities had kept his mind and body
occupied.

He opened the
window a few inches and the fresh autumn air filled the room. Behind him, he
heard a patting sound and turned to watch a small envelope flap around on the
floor.  He crossed the room, crouched down and picked it up.  It was slightly
yellowed with age. He raised it up close to his face; it smelled faintly of
lavender.  He turned it over and saw “Jack,” written in his mother’s hand.