Authors: Ellen Hopkins
Tags: #Illnesses & Injuries, #Diseases, #Values & Virtues, #Interpersonal Relations, #Suicide, #Social Issues, #Psychology, #Friendship, #Health & Daily Living, #Self-Esteem & Self-Reliance, #Parents, #General, #Depression & Mental Illness, #Mental Illness, #Novels in verse, #Psychiatric hospitals, #Family, #Fiction, #Juvenile Fiction
This time it isn't Conner who volunteers. (And what was up with
him,
anyway?) 573
578
This time, Lori steps to the front of the line.
I
'
ll go. Always good to get these things over with.
Raven helps her shrug into a harness as Sean
crosses to the other side.
Slowly. One foot in front of the next. No problem.
Do it just like that,
Raven
says.
Ready? Go for it.
Cautiously, head high, eyes straight ahead, Lori does exactly like Sean did, crossing without hesitation. Across the gorge, she turns and yells,
Awesome!
574
579
Justin Goes Second
And as we watch, Tony
comes up to me.
You good with
this? Doesn
'
t look
too awful. Of course,
Conner would tell me my
false sense of security is due to too many drugs.
"Could be. So can I have some? Cops. Slip of the tongue. What I meant was, can I have some drugs?"
Tony laughs.
Feel free to
Slip your tongue any time, long as you slip it my way.
But seriously, you feel
okay about doing this?
Justin has reached the other side. He turns, grinning, and waves. "If he can do it, I can do it." I lower my voice. "But what about Conner?" 575
580
He says he c fine, that he just felt a little queasy for a second or two. He also
said if he stops halfway one of us should push him over the side. He was at least half joking.
A crack in his rock. solid armor? "I figured he'd be the first one to master every challenge out here. Do you really think he's okay?"
Tony turns to look at Conner, standing off alone---his new MO.
No, Vanessa,
he says.
I don
'
t think so at all.
576
581
As If to Prove Him Wrong
Conner strides over to Raven, climbs into a harness and, without a single misstep, handles the gorge like it was nothing more than a drainage ditch. "Okay then. Guess I'll go next."
Tony lays a hand on my shoulder.
Vanessa? Just in case you or I don
'
t make it...
He grins, then leans his face toward mine,
please remember this.
His lips, chapped and cold, find mine. His kiss is sweet, filled with emotion.
Love you.
I expect repercussions-- a warning from Raven, a catcall from Dahlia. But either no one noticed or no one cared. "I love you, too, Tony. Now wish me luck." 577
582
The harness is heavier than I thought it would be-- it makes me feel fairly secure. At least I'm pretty sure I won't end up at the bottom of the gorge, no matter what the bridge does.
As she helps me into it,
Raven says,
You and Tony
getting serious? I had a different idea about him, you know.
"Yeah, I know. So did I, once." 578
583
Feeling Pumped Tonight
All of us are. Conquering the gorge was exhilarating. For me, it was necessary. Proving I could forge across without flinching means just about everything at the moment. Tonight, I really believe I can make it without meds.
After a delicious meal of pot roast mush, we break into little groups. Justin and Sean go off to talk about life, post-Challenge.
Raven joins Dahlia and Lori's conversation about safe sex, and if there's any such thing (other than masturbation).
Interesting, I guess, but not the right group for me. For once on this trip, I don't want to spend the night sitting alone. 579
584
Which leaves Tony and Vanessa. "Mind if I sit with you two?"
Thought you
'
d never ask,
says Tony.
You
'
ve been kind of antisocial.
Vanessa chides,
Leave him alone or he
'
ll go away!
"I guess I have been sulky. I'm prone to that, you know."
If we didn
'
t know it before, we sure do now.
Tony smiles.
Anyway, we were just discussing
your poor cure for acrophobia.
580
585
It Takes a Minute
To catch his drift. "Oh, you mean heaving me over the side? It was a much better option than leaving me hanging there."
Probably right,
agrees Tony.
Think how nasty you would have been by the time we headed back. Bet you
'
d really stink.
"In case you haven't noticed, I don't smell very damn good right now." The whole truth, and nothing but. Oh frigging well.
I think you smell like roses,
Tony jokes.
Decomposing roses, that is, like a perfumed bathroom at an old folks
'
home.
G-ross!
Vanessa wrinkles up her nose.
And anyway, just how
would you know how that smells?
You ever been in one of those?
581
586
Not exactly.
Tony grows serious.
But I
'
ve spent time with someone
fading toward death--held his hand, inhaled the scent of living
flesh as it rots away. An old
folks
'
home must smell the same,
and no air freshener could
disguise that odor It chokes
you, gags you, but you have to pretend that you
'
re doing
just fine, not trembling with
fear because the end is close.
You can feel death hovering, waiting for his very last breath, his final shudder; anticipating taking him away.
502
587
He's Talking About Phillip
Vanessa and I remain silent until Tony stops talking, quiets completely. A sudden chill massages my spine. Ghosts?
Ghosts, spirits, or just unfocused me, suddenly I want to know more about Phillip--what, exactly, he meant to Tony.
"I'm sorry you lost Phillip," I try. "Tell me more about him. Were the two of you in love?" Tony wants to cry.
But he doesn't.
I loved
Phillip, yes, and he loved
me. But we weren
'
t in love, not the way you might guess.
We met in the park. He was out for a walk and I was panhandling strangers, bumming
change, hoping for a score,
583
588
even if that meant offering up my body. Phillip rescued me, took me home, took me in, but never tried to have sex with me.
He treated me like a son--
his own son wouldn
'
t talk to his old gay dad--and I let him
be the father I
'
d never known.
Phillip had AIDS and didn
'
t want to die alone. You might think
that
'
s selfish, but he gave the world to me and I will always
cherish him.
584
589
No Sex with Phillip
Is that what Conner wanted to hear? How about Vanessa? Did she wonder about that too? Probably, and I guess it might have been a fair assumption, considering everyone (except maybe Vanessa) thinks I'm totally gay. "So are you surprised that I didn't sleep with Phillip?"
Conner is slow to answer, but Vanessa speaks right up.
Not really. I guess the thought might have crossed my mind, but it didn
'
t matter
585
590
I admire your friendship with Phillip. I never had a friend that I cared so much about. Not, at least, until I met you. I wish I could have met him.
"I wish you could have too. He would have loved you, almost as much as I do." At this moment, my love for her is almost overwhelming.
Finally Conner says, pointedly,
I
'
m confused. Are you gay? 81? In between? Do you want to have sex with Vanessa or just be her friend?
586
591
I Have to Admit
I'm pretty confused myself. I look at Conner, remember the attraction I felt the first time I saw him. Where did that
come from, if I'm not gay, or at least bi? I did ask Dr. Starr once if molestation could cause homosexual feelings later in life.
Some studies suggest a certain correlation,
she said,
but there is no scientific proof to support that. Truth is, we really don
'
t know
587
592
exactly what influences
sexual preference. Environment? Genetics? Perhaps a combination of the two? Does it really even matter?
Only when you're as messed up as me, I guess. Meanwhile, both Conner and Vanessa are staring, waiting for an answer.
"Do I need a label? I told you once I've never had the chance to be with a girl, so how will I know for sure until I get that chance?" 568
593
I Don't Know What I Am
But suddenly, certainly, I want the chance to find out. And suddenly, certainly, I need to know, "Do I need a label, Vanessa? Is it important to you?"
She moves even closer, so close, we're attached.
If it were, would I be here, next to you? hove you for the person I
'
ve discovered under your skin.
I don't feel cold anymore. Not outside, not inside. That space, frozen and dead for as long as I can remember, has thawed, come alive. 569
594
Another part of me comes alive, and it strikes me that I might not know what to do with it, if Vanessa--or any girl-- offers me the chance.
I've never "given," only been forced to "take." I've never had sex, gift-wrapped with love. "What's it like?" I ask. "Making love to someone?"
Vanessa takes my hand.
I thought I knew, once or twice before, but now I see there was no love at all between us. I won
'
t know until I make love to you.
590
595
Did I Just Say That?
With Conner there? Conner, who not so very long ago I thought I wanted to hook up with? Instead, I find myself head over heels in love with-- and desperately wanting to make love to--"no labels" Tony. My palms break out in a nervous sweat and I whisper, "You don't have a razor blade on you, do you?"
You don
'
t mean that, do you?
Tony almost pleads.
Vanessa, you
'
ve stopped the cutting, haven
'
t you? Please tell me you
'
ve stopped.
"No worries. I was only kidding." But I realize that isn't the truth. 591
596
For the last three or four years, I've dealt with every nervous moment in my life by slipping away to a quiet place and opening my skin. It's been a ritual, and for some insane reason, I want to go there now.
Tony seems to intuit
my thoughts.
You sure
you were only kidding?
Because if you want to cut because of me, I
'
ll
step out of your life so fast!
"If you do that," I say, meaning every word to follow,
"I'll never stop cutting, lithium or no lithium. Only love can make me quit." 592
597
Do I Really Mean That?
Only time will tell, I suppose. Anyway, who knows what will happen between Tony and me? For now, I'll make myself satisfied to sit beside him, believing he really loves me. I glance over at Conner, handsome, self-assured Conner, who tonight looks like a lost little boy.
"Hey. You okay?" He smiles a sad, strange smile.
Yeah, I
'
m fine. Just thinking about love and the strange places you sometimes find it-- or at least think you do.
You mean like with Emily?
Tony asks.
Who was
she,
anyway? And what happened between the two of you?
593
598
Conner hesitates, then launches a lurid tale of loving his English teacher and the inevitable consequences of being in love with an older woman.
What about you and Dr. B?
queries Tony.
The two of you looked pretty tight. Was there any love there, or just lust?
No love, plenty of lust, at least as far as I was concerned. I thought for a while
she might feel the same way.
But nothing sexual happened between Heather and me.
594
599
How Did Tony
Pick up on that? I swear, I never noticed a thing between Conner and Dr. Boston--or should I call her Heather? Holy moley! I wonder if Conner's attraction to older women is why he cooled so completely toward me. Not much I could do about that. Anyway, I don't think he's "relationship" material, and I'm really not in the market for another one-sided fling. Still, I'm curious. "So have you ever fallen in love with someone your own age?"
Conner looks me directly in the eye.
One or two,
he says.
But I
'
m poison.
595
600
As the old saying goes,
"
sometimes loving someone
means letting them go.
"
Bullshit!
says Tony. His grip on my hand tightens, and I sense impatience in my ever- patient best friend.
Love means holding on to someone just as hard as you can because if you don
'
t, one blink and they might disappear
forever.
596
601
What Tony Doesn't Get