Impulse (17 page)

beneath. No one else ever

did that, except for Phillip.

But I don
'
t have him to fall back on anymore.

"Tell me about Phillip," I say, "and I want to know everything. How did you meet? Were you a couple? Did you love him, too?"

He spends the next half hour telling me all about Phillip. I'm glad he was Tony's friend. I wish I had a friend like that. Or maybe I do. 466

471

After a While

The conversation veers toward Conner. Why is he always on both of our minds? "You and Conner seem pretty tight lately," I say. "I think I'm jealous."

Of me or him?
Tony jokes.
Either way, no worries. We haven
'
t made out yet. I have seen him in the shower, though. Mm, mm, mm.

"Now I
know
I'm jealous." We laugh, but the picture of Conner in the shower, water streaming down over his muscular body, lodges in my brain.

You like him a lot, huh? I do too, but not in the way

you think. And I
'
m not really sure why. He
'
s not easy to get close to, not easy to understand.
467

472

"It's not easy to get close to anyone in here, Tony. Everyone's afraid of everybody else... maybe because we're all afraid of ourselves."

Tony mulls that over, nods.

You know, I think you
'
ve got a great future

ahead of you--as a psychologist.

But I
'
m not afraid of one

person--you. I hope we can

stay friends when we get

out of here.
468

473

I Hope So Too

And I tell him so, but then admit, "My grandma will be good with it, but my dad probably won't understand. He thinks gay people are freaks."

But you don
'
t think that way. Why not?

I shrug. "I take people at face value. Besides, you don't have to be gay to be a freak. Just look at me."

Being bipolar doesn
'
t make you a freak.

"Sometimes it does, Tony. Sometimes it does."

I think you
'
re just about perfect, Vanessa.
469

474

I glance down, notice we've been holding hands this entire time. "I've been pretty screwed up for a while. But I feel a little less freaky now the lithium is starting to work, and the side effects aren't as bad."

I
'
m feeling better too.

Like maybe there
'
s a place for me--a place I might even

want to be. Phillip told me

there was, but after he died,

I didn
'
t want to look for it.

"I understand." And I do. Death can do that to you. 470

475

Home Sweet Home

I've never really thought about how it looked before-- it was just the place I ate and slept. But now, sitting in Mom's Lexus, parked in the wide, curved driveway, I stare at the oversized Tudor, decide its truly obnoxious.

Maybe it's because I've lived in a tidy, cell-like room for the past dozen weeks, but "home" looks more like a hotel than a house--sprawling, coiffed and manicured, impersonal as hell. Four people, living in five thousand square feet? Absurd!

Mom chauffeured, assaulting

me with regulations:
No phone

calls; no unsupervised jaunts; no meds. My expectations
471

476

are high that you can return to a normal life. That won
'
t

happen if you
'
re constantly

stoned. Are you strong enough to make it through a weekend without propping yourself up on antidepressants?
Her eyes

reflected a boatload of doubt.

I shrugged, kept my mouth shut. Nothing I could have said--at least, nothing totally true-- would have made her feel better. 472

477

She's Standing

Just inside the front door, waving for me to come on. I guess I'd better, before she turns into a raving bitch.

The lawn is greening, and in the flower beds, bevies of tulips and daffodils nod colorful heads. Its all so cheerful I want to heave. On the step, I turn, hoping to catch a glimpse of someone familiar, jogging by. Nothing.

I stare hard down the block, don't find her car in her driveway.
Would you please come inside?
hisses Mom.
Are you out of your mind?

That woman doesn
'
t live there anymore. Did you think she would?
Anger flares. "Why wouldn't she, Mother? What the hell did you do?" 473

478

What did
I
do? The real blame

lies with you. Your father and I

simply suggested to her it might be wise to move elsewhere.

"Emily wouldn't cave in and go because of a simple suggestion. Threat is more like it, huh, Mom? Must you always use your claws?"

Call it what you will, Conner.

With that temptation gone, it
'
s safe for you to come home.

End of explanation.

Of course. It's her favorite expression. I feel the serious need for Prozac before depression overwhelms me. 474

479

Not Exactly a Warm, Fuzzy Welcome

Although I didn't really expect hugs, kisses, and a surprise welcome home party. Still, such direct

affirmation of my parent's power wielding is scary. Two "beautiful people" who devour opponents like bread.

Mom disappears and I start down the long hall, lined with photos and trophies. Suddenly I'm a small child, looking up at my parents' accomplishments, knowing I'm expected to hang my own on the wall, knowing I can never climb high enough.

Upstairs, I hear Cara's music. Won't she come say hello? I veer left, into the sunken living room, expecting to see 475

480

white Berber carpet, perhaps with a hint of a rust-colored stain. The carpet is a pale shade of mint--totally new.

Pretty, isn
'
t it?
Mom, come to check up on me.
I decided

I didn
'
t want white, after all. Will

you please put away your things?

I pick up the overnight bag, start toward the kitchen. Part of me wants to confront Mom. The bigger part just wants water, to push the Prozac down. 476

481

Orientation for the Challenge

Begins today. Mr. Hidalgo says we have to finish up for-credit work before we can "go climb rocks and swing from ropes." Sounds like Boy Scouts to me.

Its not exactly Boy Scouts,
says Sean, a Challenge counselor.
More like Swiss Family Robinson, in the high desert. You
'
ll have limited water just enough to drink-- you
'
ll stink before you
'
re through, believe me.) Food is MREs--

Meals, Ready to Eat, military style. Think chicken, potato, and vegetable mush. Mmm!
477

482

Vanessa shoots a "gag me"

finger and a huge smile.
Can
'
t wait!
she mouths, glancing at Conner, who sits off by himself. He's been lost in himself since his visit home last weekend. Vanessa and I have both grilled him about it, but all he'll say is,
Nothing has changed. It
'
s exactly the same and always will be.

At least my dad's home is something all new. I might even stay awhile, until one of us decides we've made a major mistake-- or my birth certificate has. 478

483

Meanwhile, Sean and Raven

Tell us all about how to prepare for the Challenge. They say to toughen up mentally; that if we do, the physical part will take care of itself. Uh--huh.

Wilderness survival is mind over matter
says Raven, who's probably the strongest woman I've ever seen.
Thirst. Hunger. Fatigue. All originate in the brain.

More accurately, the body's reaction to them originates in the brain. But I'll just keep quiet. They've already warned us about thinking we know more than they do. 479

484

We won
'
t put you in harms

way,
adds Sean,
although it may seem like it from time to time. And we do expect you to push yourselves almost to the point of pain.

No pain, no gain--an old, very warped philosophy. But after weeks and weeks of listening to people gripe about their phobias, complexes, and manic episodes, not to mention abuse, neglect, and molestation by relatives, priests, neighbors, and stepparents, one-on-one with the wilderness sounds like a vacation to sanity 480

485

Sean and Raven Leave

Manuals and study guides, to read in our spare time. "Hey, Conner," I try; hoping to pull him into the moment. "Ever seen a rattlesnake, up close and personal?"

He looks up from his lap.
Only my mother the nasty, sidewinding bitch. You?
"Yeah, I saw one once. Poor, stupid snake crawled out on the freeway. Ugly!"

We won
'
t
see
any snakes,
guesses Vanessa.
Or, if we do, they
'
ll be moving slow.
"How do you know? Are you some kind of a herp.... herpe ... snake expert?" 481

486

Not
an expert, but I did have an interest in school.
Maybe I'
ll take up herpetology if I ever make it to college. All I know is it
'
s still pretty cold at night for reptiles.

"It's still pretty cold at night for people, too, at least if you have to sleep outside. I slept outside in a blizzard once. Wouldn't go looking to do that again."

I did that once, too,
admits Vanessa,
because my boyfriend wanted to. Stupid, huh?
"The things we do for love... well, sweetie, I'd sleep outside
naked
in a blizzard, for you." 482

487

We're Up to Our Elbows

In schoolwork, Challenge study, red tape, counseling sessions, and visits from home--all to make sure we're prepared for the "experience of our lives," not to mention what will follow: going home, back to our families, friends, schools, and hangouts. The very things that put us here to begin with. Am I ready?

Dr. Starr wants to know.

Are you ready to leave

Aspen Springs, Vanessa?

Even beyond that, you
'
ll be

eighteen in a few months.

Can you take responsibility for yourself live on your own, and deal with your BPD?

"I don't know," I admit. "But I've got to take care of myself sooner or later. I know the lithium is working, at least most of the time. 483

488

I hardly ever swing manic anymore. Sometimes I do feel depressed, but not near as much as I used to."

What about your mother? Are you ready to deal with what happened to her?

Okay, now I feel depressed. "I don't know if I can ever deal with what happened."

You have no choice, if you

want to get well and stay

that way. Can we talk about her now?
484

489

Fifteen Minutes Later

I've said all I'm going to say about Mama, except, "I can't remember her being happy after Bryan was born. I thought she should be happy-- he was such a beautiful little baby, no trouble at all, really. But she was seriously depressed, almost psychotic."

That
'
s not unusual for someone with bipolar disorder, Vanessa.

Especially f that someone was not being treated for the condition. Had she been diagnosed yet?

"No. Not until Bryan started kindergarten. It was actually his teacher who pointed out the symptoms to Grandma. Gives you some idea of how parent/teacher conferences went." 485

490

Dr. Starr smiles.
Yes, I can see that.

You know, Vanessa, the stress of pregnancy and the postpartum

period triggers depression in a lot of women. If they have a history of mental illness, they can

become dangerous. Was your mother a danger to your brother or you?

What the hey? I've got nothing to lose by telling her and it might be good to get it off my chest, now that I don't have to worry about Mama's fierce brand of retribution. 486

491

I Said Mama Wasn't sappy

"But the truth is, she was a total psycho some of the time. When Bryan was a baby, I was afraid to leave him alone with Mama. One time I came home from school and he was screaming. Mama had him in the kitchen sink, giving him a bath. The water was way too hot. I yanked him from her hands, his baby skin all red and steaming.

I have to scrub away his sin,
Mama said.
Jesus expects it.

"A baby has no sin, Mama," I tried to tell her.

We are born into sin and must be cleansed. Damian says so.

Dr. Starr interrupts,
Who is Damian?
487

492

"Mama's personal 'angel,' who followed her everywhere. I didn't think he was very nice, for an angel."

I
see.
Well, it was a good

thing you came in when

you did. Was that why you asked

your grandmother to step in?

I nod. "That, and the fact that Mama beat me for 'arguing with the will of the Lord.' I didn't think much of the Lord for a very

long time." 488