Impulse (18 page)

493

Tomorrow We're Off

To the far distant side of the Black Rock Desert, where the mountains tumble down to crash- land on the playa. Talk about wilderness--rabbits, and the coyotes who love them, that's all we'll have for company except each other and a watchdog or two.

Dr. Boston is worried about me.
The Challenge is not the place for heroics,

Conner. You
'
ll be physically

tired and mentally drained
by the end of Day Five, no

matter how good the shape

you
'
re in. You tend to want to play savior Promise me you won
'
t. Not out there, okay?
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494

"I appreciate that you're worried, Dr. B. Don't be.

In fact, you've got me all wrong. No savior complex here. All I want is the key to the front door. Adios. So long.

Her smile fades.
What then, Conner?

How will you deal with the kind of pressure that brought you to us? You cannot allow everyday

stress to make you put a gun
to your chest and pull the trigger

I don
'
t want to read in the paper

that my best patient has died.
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495

Best

"What do you mean by 'best'? Least trouble? Cutest? Most likely to succeed after he's released? 'Cause I'm not that."

Why not, Conner? You were on a fast track to success. No

reason to derail, is there?

You
'
ve no lack of ambition.

She gives me this great smile and I wonder, for maybe the thousandth time, what's under her short little skirt.

I decide on the direct route. "My main ambition, once I leave here, is getting laid by some gorgeous older woman..."

I see,
says Dr. B (Heather?).
You know, we
'
ve never resolved

this older woman thing. Can we

possibly do that before you go?
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496

"Since I'm leaving tomorrow, I suppose that means right now?"
It does. Sometimes a feeling of attraction grows because a specific incident spurs it.

You said your mother rarely

touched you. Remember when you were small? Who
did
touch you?

I gasp beneath the weight of memory, recollection so evocative it dwarfs all thought of Emily.

Eyes closed, I find her there in the dark, hands like silk, the kind you want to wear close to your most private places. 492

497

Hands to Guide

Little boys to exactly those places they want to see, to touch, to taste. Perfect hands, that flaunt her beauty. "Leona."

Your governess, the one who...
Heather halts midsentence, changes direction. Can

you talk about the assaults?

I shake my head. "I never thought about it that way. Leona never assaulted me, and the things she taught me

didn't hurt. I was always expected to act all grown up. She made me a man for real, and no one suspected a thing."

No adult has the right to turn
a
child into a man, nor to teach him things

he
'
s too immature to learn.
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498

Leona was a predator and you were a willing victim--
a child in need of human warmth

can easily blur the line between affection and perversion.

Your trust in Leona was not

deserved. She did assault you.

It just didn
'
t hurt until now.

Too much to take in, too much to purge. Why must every memory, once sweet, dead-end in such ugliness?

Too much... 494

499

O We Go

On our grand adventure-- most likely the only grand adventure I'll ever have. Better make the most of it--grab life by the scrotum and squeeze real hard.

We pile into a big Suburban, Sean behind the wheel and Raven taking shotgun. Dahlia, Lori, and Justin grab the middle seat, leaving the back to Conner, Vanessa, and me.

Just the way I like it. We head east from Reno, drive for miles across vast, high desert. Vanessa's knee rests against mine.
Thu can see forever! It
'
s beautiful, isn
'
t it?

"Not as beautiful as you," I say, loving the way it makes her blush. 495

500

God, Tony,
says Lori,
if I didn
'
t know better I
'
d say you were playing her.

Subtle as dreams, I reach for Vanessa's hand. "Nope, not playing. Not at all." Vanessa snakes her fingers around mine, comfortable with them there.
I know.

I would expect Conner to say something, or at least notice. But he just stares out the window, silent as death. I wonder where he is right now, 'cause it's not here. 496

501

Eventually, We Turn

North off the interstate, onto a backwater highway. To the east, the Black Rock Desert stretches emptiness as far as the eye can take in. I've heard

it's an inferno come summer. But spring has softened it with wildflowers and little creeks that fill big cracks in the playa. I've never been here before, but I'll be back.

"Hey, Conner, you ever been to the Black Rock before? Ever done Burning Man?"
I have,
interrupts Dahlia.
I went with my boyfriend last year It was awesome.
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502

Finally, Conner turns from the window.
You crazy? Getting naked, scorfing tofu, and chanting mantra for three days with a bunch of dope- smoking pyromaniacs?

Dahlia laughs.
That about covers it, okay. It was a total, out and out gas.
Conner notices Vanessa and me holding hands. He scowls.
Whatever.

"I always meant to check it out but never managed to find a way out here," I say. "Hey, Vanessa, if I can get us a ride, want to come with me this year?" 498

503

Before She Can Answer

Raven launches into a whole discussion about the Burning Man Festival--how it started as a fun Labor Day party, with campouts and bonfires.

How it has segued into a major assault on the landscape, despite the best efforts of BLM officials and every good intention of the partiers in question.

This desert may not look like it deserves respect,
she says.
But it is unique. Fragile. And it is up to us to protect it. I hope your time out here will
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504

convince you of that. We are going to take you places few people ever see. The journey will not be easy. It will, as the name implies, challenge you, in mind and body. But once you complete it, I guarantee you will come away with new respect for yourselves.

Respect for myself? The concept is totally foreign. Improbable. If Challenge by Choice can do that for me, I will always be

grateful. 500

505

We Stop for Lunch

In Gerlach, the last town (if you could call it that) before leaving civilization completely. There's one gas station, one post office, and one restaurant--Bruno's.

We always stop here,
says Sean.
After this, it
'
s MREs, except for what we might catch to eat fresh.

"Catch? You mean like bugs?" Images of gross-out TV shows come to mind.

No,
says Raven. He
means like fish. Or maybe crawdads.

Ever try crayfish, fresh from a mountain reservoir?

"Eeeeuuuu! Those little lobster-looking things? You actually eat those?" 501

506

Ask anyone in the Deep South, they
'
ll tell you they
'
re heavenly,

Raven says.
And this time of year, they
'
re hungry--easy to catch.

I decide I'd better eat every crumb of this giant cheeseburger and fries. It may be the last thing I'll feel like eating for a while. Sounds like we'll have some serious choices to make. Miniature shellfish. (You don't eat the antennae, do you?) Or just-add-water-to-refortify meat, potatoes, and gravy. Mmmm. I can hardly wait! 502

507

Back on the Road

And now it's a gravel road, rutted and scarred by winter, slow going in this old four-by. Everyone seems subdued, lost in daydreams, anxiousness, or the hypnotic lull of the sameness outside the windows. This is high desert at its most monotonous-- the cracked, white playa, giving way to miles and miles of sage, greasewood, and cheatgrass. And yet it's riveting, beautiful in its starkness.

"Look." I point at deep impressions, stamped in the playa. "Wagon tracks. Can you believe you can still see them? They're more than a century old!"

Beside me, Conner rouses.
My great-eat grandmother came to Nevada in one of those wagons.
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508

He pauses, then finishes.
If she had stayed in Pennsylvania,

I wouldn
'
t be here now.

It sounds more like a wish than an observation, and it makes me sad. "I'm glad you're here, Conner. I don't know what happened when you went home, but you're not the same person now. I miss the Conner who left."

He slides his arm around my

shoulder, pulls me close, whispers,

I
'
m sorry, Vanessa. You are the most incredible girl I
'
ve ever

known, and you deserve much

better than me.
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509

Okay, That Worries Me

Conner has always acted completely self-assured, in control. It's part of what makes him so damn attractive. I let my hand settle on his thigh, wish we were somewhere I could kiss him. Really kiss him. "What's wrong, Conner? Talk to me."

He sags slightly, weighting the arm around my shoulder.
Do you know how great it would be to live a simple existence, like the pioneers did? Okay, I know they died from diseases we now kill with little pills. And I know life was tough without electricity and running water

But think, just think, how awesome it was not to worry about college, or an upwardly mobile career No pressure,
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510

no expectations beyond staying

alive and keeping your family safe.

He covers my hand with his.

Think how people must have

loved each other when all they had was each other.

That does sound nice, but life wasn't really easy back then, not that it's easier now. I'm still not sure what's going on in Conner's head. All I know is I want to be inside there too. So I tell him, very softly, "We may have more than just each other. But that doesn't diminish what I feel for you." 506

511

Thought I Was Ready

To graduate Aspen Springs, move ahead with my life. I even quit taking the Prozac, to prove to myself that I could.

I figured the Challenge would provide enough stimulation to let me go cold turkey. Four days later I can't decide

if that's why I feel like I'm fresh out of hope, or if it's the big, ugly picture. Never before did I doubt my ability to one day leave Mom and Dad in my dust, carve a niche, climb inside and stay there, satisfied with my personal pit of lust.

But my visit home only served to implode all perception of independence. The thing with Emily showed how focused 507

512

my parents are on exerting control indefinitely. Forever is too long to spend, forced into the "submissive" role.

And then Dr. Boston had to dredge up all that stuff about

Leona. Talk about your psychological sledgehammers.

She confronted me with a demon I had buried a long time ago, exhumed suppressed guilt I had carried far too long. 608

513

And Now, Here's Vanessa

Offering abstract confessions of affection. If I were normal, how would I describe our definite connection?

I love the way she feels in the curve of my arm. I love her unpretentious beauty, her intelligence, her nerve.

But could I ever love
her?
The concept of falling in love is completely foreign, something I can't bring myself to accept.

Her hair pillows my cheek and her hand on my leg is warm.
I care about you, Conner and I hate to see you hurting.

I want to respond but can't find the pretty words I need. 509

514

Tony comes to my rescue.
Do you two mind? I
'
m trying to meditate here, Ohm. Ohm. Damn! Now I
'
m distracted.

Once again I'm amazed at how he can jump right in and lighten even the heaviest situation. Tony is gold. More than probably anyone, he has earned my admiration.

I know Vanessa loves him too. "Why don't you join us?" I kid. "I can't speak for Vanessa, but I've always wanted to try a threesome. Hetero only, though. You up for that, Tony?"
I
'
ll try anything once. And you know, I just might like it
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515

We Stop to Stretch Our Legs

And take a piss in the desert. Not difficult for the guys, but embarrassing for the ladies. The result is a lecture on wilderness hygiene, delivered with great panache by Raven.

Please spread out to urinate, and if you must defecate, grab this little shovel and be sure to dig at least afoot deep. You do not want to leave

your shit where lions can find it.

Dahlia is impressed.
Lions? What do you mean, lions?
Raven clarifies.
Mountain lions--

plentiful here, but rarely seen, because generally they would

rather not mess with people. Still, the odd cat can have a taste for humans, so let me stress
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516

the importance of knowing how to deal with a cat if you happen on one. Don
'
t run. Make noise. Fight

back. Don
'
t look like an easy meal.

Dahlia looks like cougar fast food--a no-brain meal.
I can
'
t believe I might have to fight a lion. That
'
s totally screwed.

Tony jabs,
No worries, dear A cat would take one bite and spit you back out. You
'
re tasteless. Now, f you
'
ll excuse me, I have to make a pit stop.
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517

Almost Dark

We bump up beside a rock outcropping, get ready to camp for the night.
How many of you have camped in the wilderness before?
asks Sean.

"Define wilderness," I say. "Does it include the parks and alleys in Reno?" Sean cracks half a smile.
That
'
s a different kind of wilderness, Tony.

"Tell me about it. It smells a whole lot better out here in the boonies."
We want to leave it that way. You already know about how to relieve yourselves...
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518

Sean launches into a whole "leave no tracks" routine, even though we've already been over it m our orientation:
Carry in, carry out; don
'
t disturb wildlife or vegetation....

Bored immediately, I turn my attention to Raven, who's unloading gear. Some of it looks pretty heavy. Hope we don't have to carry
that
staff in or out, but something

tells me we do. I spy a steep trail, leading up into the mountains. No way a vehicle would manage that. Looks like we'll be walking from here. 514

519

Raven Shows Us

How to build a portable shelter--four poles and a canvas roof, no walls. Then she gives each of us a backpack, a thin sleeping bag, and barely enough

clothes to get us through three reeking weeks. We arrange our sleeping bags, boys on one side of the newly built fire pit, girls on the other, and suddenly I notice how cold it becomes, once the sun takes a dive.
Better gather some firewood,
Sean says,
before it gets much darker

We all spread out, looking for something that qualifies. Mostly, it's sage twigs. 515

520

Sage burns hot and fast. Better
get
plenty,
Raven warns.
It
'
s going to be a cold one.

Raven lights the fire, and just about then I notice there are no lanterns.
No cookstoves, either,
she says.
Did you expect a Coleman display?

All that stuff is heavy, not what you
'
ll want to be carrying in your packs over miles of rough territory, let alone up a rock cliff.
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Things Swim into Focus

For some stupid reason I had it in mind that we'd do a little hiking, a little climbing, then return to our neat little camp for dinner and bedtime stories.

Looks like tonight is the closest we'll get, and we're already miles from anything I pictured. The others look nervous too. Except for Conner.

Since we had a big lunch,
says Raven,
we
'
ll skip MREs tonight, and stick with fresh veggies and fruit. Even if you don
'
t really like them, you
'
ll miss them soon.
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522

She breaks out apples, bananas, grapes, raw carrots, and broccoli, plus an assortment of crackers and cheeses.
You
'
ll miss cheese, too.

I already miss hot food, which is strange. I've gone for days with nothing more than stale bread and peanut butter. Spoiled by Aspen Springs?

Groans and crunching noises fill the cool air inside our temporary shelter. We all gather around the fire, not quite getting warm. Everyone, except Conner. 518

523

Okay, This Is Less

Than I bargained for--primitive, not to mention cold. Even around the campfire, our breath puffs into the evening air, mixing with smoke as if we're all indulging a nicotine habit. No bad habits out here, except for our meds, dutifully distributed by Raven the Taskmistress.

We sit shoulder-to-shoulder in silence, trying to snatch a little body warmth, as the meds kick in. Only Conner sits off to one side, not affected by temperature, but surely bothered by something. Despite all the ice-breaking on the way here, he's frozen solid. 519

524

One thing I notice, since I can hardly keep my eyes off him, is how he waits for Raven to turn her back before spitting out the pill she hands him. Softly, he digs a little hole in the sand with one hiking boot, slips the med inside, smoothes it over, buried treasure.

My eyes travel to Tony, and I see he is watching Conner too. Finally he glances at me, and we offer a mutual shrug. He scoots closer.
Don
'
t worry,

Vanessa. Everything will be okay.

Conner knows what he c doing.
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I Wander into the Sage

For a pre-bed pee, notice how the stars have assaulted the black of night sky. The moon is on slow rise, and I'm sure I have never witnessed anything so stunning. My flashlight illuminates a path, worn through the vegetation, and I choose it as the easy way before wondering about what made the trail to begin with.

As I squat down behind a taller bush, hoping my silhouette won't be seen from the campfire, movement in the brush startles me into rising, pants dropped. I wave my flashlight, left to right, and I find myself eyeball-to-eyeball with a deer, not four feet away. I see no antlers, so it must be a doe, as scared of me as I was of her just a few seconds ago. 521

526

"Its okay, pretty thing," I say, real quiet so I don't make her even more scared. But with a flick of her tail, she dashes away, into the safety of the night.

Vanessa? Where are you?
calls Raven, traipsing through the sage, hot on my trail, as if taking off, sixty-some miles to the nearest approximation of civilization, were an option.

I yank up my pants. "Over here." Trading heartbeats with a deer. "I'm coming. It's freezing out here." 522

527

Scrunched Down Into

The relative warmth of our sleeping bags, we listen to Sean, outlining tomorrow's goals:

We leave the truck here, head up into the hills. The higher we

go, the more likely it is we
'
ll

run into snow, so the going

may get muddy. Try to avoid

slushy puddles. If your feet

get wet, you
'
re going to blister, and we won
'
t slow down for
that--or anything that can

be avoided, with a little

common sense.

Raven adds,
This isn
'
t

TV. You may have watched

Survivor
or that show called

Brat Camp.
Hard as those

may look, the camera guys
following everyone around mitigate real hardship.
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528

We
'
re not here to hurt you, but we
'
re not going to help in situations you create, or those you can dig

yourselves out of

Back to Sean.
There will be

times when you
'
ll have to resort to teamwork to accomplish a leg of the program. Working

together is how you
'
ll get through the Challenge, and how

you
'
ll get through life.

Trying to find sleep, I look out at the stars, and just as I start to settle down, a coyote

starts to sing. 524

529

Coyote Booty Calls

Crack the night's smooth silence, raising quiet alarm among the ranks. "Relax, everyone. A coyote's diet is pretty

much rabbits, mice, and the occasional cat. And if you're concerned about rabies, worry more about the stray bat who happens into our shelter." God, it's great to watch them squirm, every eye straining to find an odd winged creature, flapping beneath the canopy.
Yip, yip, yip
invites one scruffy excuse for a canine. I hear a sleeping bag zip tighter.

At my right, Tony laughs.
Relax, Justin. You know Jesus won
'
t let those coyot
'
s make midnight snacks out of us.

530

Justin answers,
Jesus helps

those who help themselves, but I

wouldn
'
t expect someone like
you
to know things like that.

What do you mean,
"
someone like me?
"
I hope that
'
s not an attack on my character Because that is not a Christian philosophy.