Impulse (19 page)

Wisely, Justin crawls back into his pit of surly silence.

Quiet down now,
orders Sean.
You
'
ll be getting up early.
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531

All
'
s Quiet

Except for the chorus of medicated snores, and I half-regret not joining them in sedated limbo.

Instead I'm lying here, on a hard crust of playa sand, listening to the desert night, inhaling sage-scented dust, blown up by a bone-chilling

wind. Seems you don't notice the cold, cradled by downers, mired in Valium dreams.

Cold or no, I will stick to my decision to rid my body of drugs while I'm out here--

supervision-free detox.

No more a.m. stimulants, p.m.

depressants, which might appeal to a very large crowd of loser

adolescents. But not me. 527

532

Mom and Dad would be proud--

Yeah, right. Who am I kidding? After all the trauma, all the drama, I'll never quite

make their greatest achievements list.

Something cheerful to think about, brain fighting my body's request for sleep. Through a heavy mist of exhaustion comes a blitz of memories--Dr. Boston, Leona, Emily, all women I tried my best to please in whatever ways they asked. And I see that it was all just a warped bid for attention from one woman--Mommy. 528

533

Pale Light

Filters through my closed eyelids, pierces my pupils, rouses me into morning, forbids any hope of sleep.

Rise and shine, happy campers!
croaks Sean.
Coffee
'
s brewing. What the fuck, asshole?
responds Dahlia.
What time is it? Like dawn?

It
'
s time to haul your lazy butt out of the sack!
says Raven. Dahlia groans.
Fine. I
'
m hauling. But don
'
t expect peak performance.

No worries. No one would ever expect peak performance from you.
Tony's jab draws tired laughter.
Not that we don
'
t all respect you.

Sean orders,
Okay, everyone

pay attention. The morning

routine goes like this: up at daybreak, sleeping bags rolled
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534

up and stashed in your backpacks,
ten minutes for bodily functions

(please go in separate directions), breakfast, teeth, and then off we go.

I drag myself out of my cocoon, roll it up tightly as I can manage, then reach for a cup of coffee to fight the black hole of sleeplessness

I have pushed myself into. I hope Sean and Raven will take it easy on us the first day. I doubt I can cope with a marathon. 530

535

After a Scrumptious Breakfast

(Egg McMuffin--flavored substance, in a foil pouch), Raven and Sean start handing us things to stow in our packs, on top of our already wrinkled clothes.

Rope. More foil pouches. (Guess we have to carry our own gourmet goop.) One roll of toilet paper each. (Guess MREs don't make for megadumps.

Hope they've got laxatives along!) Antibacterial soap. (For hair and skin, safe for the environment.) Flint and steel. Fire-starter tinder. (We're trusting
this?)
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536

Featherlight thermal blankets. (Thank you, NASA.) Pocket hand warmers. (Where are we going, anyway? To the Antarctic?) Lip ice.

Mosquito repellent. Sunglasses.

(Awesome idea. The glare out here is killer. Sure glad someone's

got the system down.) A minifishing kit, with one

hook, one bobber, one sinker, and a small reel of line. (Hope Phillip's watching this. If so, he's smiling.) "Hey, Phillip," I whisper. "Are you there, somewhere?" 532

537

Finally , Sean Gives Each of Us

A whistle on a long red cord, just right to go around our necks and hang in easy reach.
Three short blasts means you
'
re in trouble.

Everyone has to give theirs a try. The noise scatters a warren of jackrabbits, out on a scouting expedition. What do rabbits eat out here, anyway? Sand?

Before we head out, we
'
re going to buddy up,
Raven says.
Airways keep your buddy in sight, or at least know where he or she is at all times.
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538

Raven assigns partners, choosing Lori for hers. Vanessa and Dahlia. Justin and Sean. Which

leaves Conner and me. A week ago I would

have been fine with that, ecstatic, in fact. But this

thing with Conner eighty-sixing his meds has me worried.

He buried his Prozac again this morning. I know

quitting cold isn't always a problem, but it can be.

What if he drops off the deep end? "How responsible for our partners are we?" I ask. 534

539

Conner Shoots a Curious Look

In my direction. Hell, maybe he's worried about looking out for me.
Good question,
replies Sean.
And the answer is: ninety-nine percent.

"What about the one percent? Can you be more specific, please?"
I can. If your buddy decides to run off into the night, don
'
t go too.

Everyone takes a minute or two to digest the buddy system thing. Now, Q & A:

Q:
What if my buddy breaks a leg?

A:
Blow your whistle. We
'
ll triage on site, call for help.
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540

Q:
What if she won
'
t participate?
A:
Encourage her. Get in her
face if you have to.
Q:
What if that doesn
'
t work?
A:
Blow one long blast on your whistle; leave it to us.

My turn. "And what if your buddy flips out completely?" Sean looks at Conner, looks back at me.
Is that really a concern?

I turn toward Conner, assess the dark circles around his sleep-deprived eyes. He smiles a very strange smile and gives a little shrug, and I say,

"Guess not." 536

541

Buddies with Dahlia

Wonderful. She and I have probably exchanged a hundred words in the last fifteen weeks. But hey, I guess that's the point. Challenge by Choice--
the
way to form lasting (?) friendships. I decide to break the ice. "Are you into hiking?"

You kidding? Most hiking

I
'
ve ever done is from my house down to the corner 7-Eleven.

What about you?

"I've been a few times, with my grandma. She's in pretty good shape for her age. She likes to hike Mt. Rose Meadows, and we did part of the Rim Trail, too." 537

542

Holy crap! She must be
in pretty good shape. Is she old, or what?
'
Cause my grandma is older than dirt.

I shrug. "Almost sixty. But she always seemed younger to me than my mom did. My mom was born ancient."

Your mom is the crazy

one, right?
Straight to the point.

So I'll give a direct answer. "She was." 538

543

Before I Eave to Offer Details

Raven rounds us up.

Okay, everyone ready?

Today
'
s leg isn
'
t really

difficult. It
'
s more to assess

what shape you
'
re in than to really challenge you.

Our goal is ten miles before nightfall.

Ten miles isn't difficult? I've never walked more than five at any one time with Grandma. But I guess I'm up to the task. Raven and Lori take the lead as we start up a gradual grade on a wide, well-maintained trail.

Keep a nice, steady pace and watch your posture, or your backs will curse

you. Don
'
t overcompensate
for the weight of your packs,

Raven instructs. 539

544

Right about now, I start to feel the weight of my pack. Immediately, I want to compensate--a major trick of the mind? I glance to my right, see Dahlia is fighting the same urge. "Wonder how long it takes before our backs start swearing."

I woke up this morning and my

bock was already cussing big-time,

Dahlia replies.
If you can
'
t hear

it, you need a hearing aid!
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Two Hours Later

My back is cussing too. In fact, with all the spinal swearing going on, you almost can't hear the moans and groans of our feet.

Finally Raven directs

us off the trail, into a little

clearing in the sage.
We
'
ll

take a breather here.

Eve
r
yone drink water, even if you don
'
t think

you
'
re thirsty. Believe

me, you are, and staying

hydrated is vital.

Water never tasted near this good before. I polish off a bottle, realize I can't just toss the empty
Hang on to those bottles,
says Sean.
We
'
ll refill them

when we get to the creek.

Anyone hungry? Tough!

Lunch isn
'
t for an hour.

Backpacks up. Let
'
s go.
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546

Sean and Justin trade places with Raven and Lori. Conner and Tony move behind them, in front of Dahlia and me.

As Tony passes, he touches my arm.
You okay?
'
Cause

I
'
m one sore puppy already.

"Woof, woof," I joke. But right now it doesn't seem

too funny. 542

547

We've Been Walking

For three days, uphill, loaded with heavy packs. Oxen. That's what we are, just like those whose time-smoothed tracks

we follow. I keep wondering if we're going somewhere, or just wandering at random, not even Sean knowing our final

destination. The weather is typical spring in northern Nevada--tepid during the day, and that's a very good thing.

Hiking these hills in the heat of July would be insane. So far the grade isn't bad, the trail well marked and dry.

But we haven't covered near the distance Sean and Raven expected to, mostly due to Lori's insistence that she 543

548

"can't take another step." That's

bull, of course, but her less-than-

adequate speed has kept us from taking full advantage of the relatively easy terrain. Things only get harder from here--steeper, more slippery-- so unless the bitch grows wings

our progress will slow even more. Not sure why it matters, especially if wandering at random actually
is
the score. 544

549

I Decide It Isn't

Because as we set up camp for the night, I hear Raven and Sean discussing tomorrow. Seems our first real test is in sight.

So what do you think? Are they all up to the gorge?
asks Raven.
Guess we
'
ll find out,
answers Sean.
Anyway, we haven
'
t had a fall yet.

I
'
m a little worried about Lori. She
'
s not exactly fit.
She
will pose a challenge, but hey, no guts, no glory.

"
Glory
"
is not in her dictionary. I hope
"
vertigo
"
isn
'
t either She
'
s your buddy, sweetheart. Just show her the rope-a-dope.

Should be an interesting day. I'll be sure to let Lori and Raven go first. That way I won't miss a thing. 545

550

I unroll my sleeping bag, smoothing the sand beneath best I can, wishing the stone-

free surface was soothing

enough to actually let me sleep. Four nights without drifting all the way off into deep REM refreshment

has left me disoriented. So far only Tony has a clue, but with my thought processes bordering on bizarre, that's likely to change any time. Maybe exhaustion will

conquer my brain tonight, beat it into sublime submission. 546

551

With a Nod

Toward early homo erectus, Tony lights this evening's fire, using only flint and steel. Around bites of pepperoni paste he asks,
How did humans ever survive? I mean, people consider themselves so clever but really, learning to light a fire like this had to be an accident, or a direct communication from our Great Dad Above.

Sitting close to the blossoming

fire, Justin squirms visibly.
I wish you wouldn
'
t use

terms like
"
Great Dad Above.
"

Tony smiles.
Why not? Do you really think He cares about terminology? I bet He worries more about how few
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552

of His greatest experiments

believe He exists. With just

that mustard seed of faith, think

what people might achieve.

"Faith is for little children and giant fools. Don't tell me you believe in Santa, too!" Defiant, I hardly slur at all.

Tony grins.
Of course, and the Tooth Fairy, too. All fairies,
in fact.
Then he grows serious.

I
'
m sorry you
'
re afraid of truth.

Me too. 548

553

I Am Firestarter

And I feel powerful. Strange, because I never felt that way lighting a match, which really is an awesome invention.