Immortal Light: Wide Awake (21 page)

Lucy held her breath. Every part of her
natural instinct seemed at odds with her physical body. For that
instant, she was so frozen in time that when her body instinctively
reached for air, she broke from her thoughts.

With a smile, Benjamin sat back perfectly
upright again in his chair and focused on his book. Lucy picked up
her pencil and felt nothing but the fading sadness she had seen in
Benjamin’s eyes.

As she sat staring blankly at her textbook,
the thought came to her that perhaps she should go against her
better judgment and see if she could somehow find out if what she
was experiencing was at all based in reality. At the very least,
she could find out if he, too, was having vivid and strange dreams
about her.

“
I believe I owe you.”

The words didn’t startle him, but he did put
his book down and smile curiously at her.

“
How do you mean?”

“
Well, I thought we made a trade
agreement.”

“
Oh, that’s right.” He closed his
book and put it down on the table. His attention on Lucy was as
though he never again intended on picking up the book. He folded
his hands in his lap and looked Lucy right in the eyes. “I’m all
ears.”

“
Just like that? You want me to
just come out with something right here?”

“
Well, I suppose you could write
it down, but you have my undivided attention right now.”

“
Okay, I’ll tell you, but
remember, you can’t ask any questions after I’m done.”

“
Understood.” His smile was
penetrating and contagious.

Lucy smiled widely and leaned over the table
gesturing for him to meet her half way. Benjamin leaned forward and
Lucy whispered so that the sound wouldn’t leave the small space
between their faces.

“
I have really weird
dreams.”

“
I know,” he said with a cunning
smirk.

Lucy’s heart stopped for a moment.
A small panic raced through her body. She couldn’t believe he was
just going to come out with it. She just stared at him, trying not
to give away her surprise at his answer.

“
Based on what I’ve seen you eat
for lunch, you must have all sorts of weirdness coming at you at
night.” He suppressed a laugh as Lucy’s heart sank a little bit and
her face fell back to her books. Benjamin looked instantly
contrite. “I’m sorry, Lucy. That was out of line.”

Lucy flashed him a tight-lipped
smile and tried not to let her utter disappointment show. He was
obviously not having the same kinds of experiences she was, and she
realized he wasn’t really the Benjamin from the grove. He was just
Benjamin Raven, the new kid in town.

“
No, don’t worry about it. I guess
that’s a stupid thing to say.” She started to pack up her
bag.

“
No, it wasn’t. I thought it was a
great piece of information.”

With a look of dejection on her face, she
finished zipping up her bag. “I should probably go to class. I’ll
see you there.”

Benjamin stood up as she rose to leave. His
eyes followed her as she walked away from him and headed for the
door. A look of pain again crossed his face, only there was no one
from whom he needed to hide it. She was already gone.

Chapter
11

The sun felt warm as it came up
and landed on the planter box where the oak tree was. The air,
however, felt cold. Summer was over and fall was definitely making
its entrance. Lucy sat, staring blankly into space. She saw Kat
walk up, but she didn’t acknowledge her arrival in any
way.

“
What’s the matter with you,
Luce?” Kat threw her bag onto the cement planter box.

“
What do you mean?” Lucy said as
she blinked back to reality.

“
You really weren’t yourself
yesterday and you look even worse now.”

“
How do I look worse? What does
that even mean?”

“
You look really preoccupied or
bummed out or something. I mean you hardly said a word to me
yesterday at lunch.”

“
I don’t know,”
Lucy said. “I guess it’s … I don
’
t know what it
is,
”
she
lied.

“
Is it the wreck?”

“
I guess; I don’t know.” Lucy said
apathetically.

“
C’mon, Luce, what’s going on; is
it Mark?”

“
No.”

“
Is it your parents?”

“
No.”

“
Is it school?”

“
No.”

“
Then what is it?”

Lucy knew exactly what was wrong, but it
wasn’t a dilemma she could even begin to figure out with Kat, since
she had no idea what to do about it herself.

“
I don’t know, Kat, can we just
not talk about what’s wrong with me?”

“
Is it Benjamin?” Kat asked
cautiously.

Lucy turned her head sharply. “What’s that
supposed to mean?” She responded curtly.

“
It doesn’t mean anything, unless
it means something to you.”

“
Are we done? I need to go to
class.” Lucy picked up her backpack and headed for
English.

From the moment she was in the door of the
classroom, she could sense Benjamin’s presence. She had no idea why
she was so aware of him, but sitting in what felt like his aura for
nearly an hour was torture. Samantha’s red locks bounced up and
down and Lucy hated her. It wouldn’t have been so bad if she wasn’t
so afraid of the truth.

The bell rang and she ran into the hall and
down the stairs as fast as she could. She had to get away from him.
Whatever it was that made her so attuned to his presence was
significantly less the farther she got from him.

As she ran out of the building, she headed for
the cemetery. It was the only place without people. As she walked
she could feel her chest tightening, and the convulsions of crying
began before she could even hide herself in the tree.

Without any restraint, Lucy let the tears roll
down her face and she heaved hyperventilating gasps into the air.
She dropped to the base of the tree and clenched her fists,
wringing them together as she fought to find an answer to her
problem. After a few moments, she forced herself to breathe. She
closed her eyes and focused on the blackness.

Just breathe, Lucy. Just
breathe.

She wasn’t going to tell herself that it was
all okay, because the truth in her mind was that she was going
insane.

Just relax,
breathe
.
Calm
down, just calm down.

Lucy reached into her bag
and pulled out her P.E. t-shirt and wiped her eyes with it. As she
felt her breathing return to normal, something else began to slowly
envelope her and it wasn’t an unpleasant feeling—it never had been,
not all the times she had felt it. She liked it, but she hated it,
because she knew she couldn
’
t have it.

“
Are you okay, Lucy?” his voice
said from the fence behind her.

She knew it was him and she wanted him so
badly. Every part of her screamed for him.

“
Yeah, I’m fine. I needed to get
some air.”

“
Is there anything I can do, do
you need anything?”

“
No, really, I’m fine. Thanks. I
just need a few minutes alone.”

“
Okay,” he said, and Lucy heard
him turn on the gravel and walk away.

When he was far enough away that
Lucy could no longer feel him, she peered around the tree. She saw
the back of Benjamin disappear into a building, his shoulder bag
slung neatly at his waist, his left hand gripping the strap the
same way she had seen it grip his sword in the haven.

***

The final bell rang at 3:15 and
Lucy slowly packed her things into her bag. The room emptied
quickly, as it always did after eighth period. Lucy sat staring at
her pencil. She knew Mark would be there to escort her to her bus
before he had to be at practice.

“
Hey, you okay?” Mark said
tenderly as he walked into the room and over to Lucy.

“
Mark
…
”
she said,
looking up from her pencil.

“
Yeah, what’s up?” His tone was
tender and genuine, which didn’t help her confidence.

“
I can’t do this
anymore.”

He blinked a couple of times as his eyes
contorted in confusion. “You can’t do what?”

“
Us
. I can’t do
us
anymore,” she said, standing
up.

“
I don’t understand,” Mark said as
he put his hands in his jacket pockets.

“
I’m not in a good place right
now. I don’t know what it is. I don’t want to drag you down here
with me.”

“
Is it the wreck? Because, I
totally understand. I was really shaken up, too.”

“
No, it’s not the wreck; I don’t
know what it is. I just can’t do this; not now.”

“
Lucy, whatever it is, I’ll help
you through it. I’m right here. I can help you.”

“
I need to
figure this out alone, Mark. It’s not you. I’m just not
…
”

“
If you need space, I can give you
that.”

“
I need more than space, I need
time. You don’t deserve this. You need to just walk away from
whatever this is that we have and move on. I’m not going to be able
to give you what you deserve from a relationship.”

“
This is all part of
relationships, Lucy. We need to work through the rough times. I
care about you, and we’ll get through this.”

“
I can’t love you the way you love
me. I want to, but it’s just not possible right now.”

“
What can I do? How can I help you
get there? Is there someone else?”

“
You can’t, Mark, and it’s not
your fault. You’ve been so great and I love you for that, but you
can’t fix me.”

“
Then, it’s another
guy?”

Lucy looked tellingly up into his eyes with a
pained expression.

“
It’s okay,” he said nodding his
head. “I totally understand.” He suddenly looked very sad, and his
face dropped.

“
I’m so sorry, Mark. I didn’t want
to hurt you. You are so wonderful, but I just can’t have us
happening in my life right now, and to be honest, it’s not another
guy, not really.”

He lifted his head up and smiled at her.
“Don’t worry, I’ll be okay.”

He leaned down, kissed her on the cheek, and
turned with a weak smile toward the door. As he reached it, Lucy
exhaled and felt the guilt that accompanies the breaking of
someone’s heart.

As she walked away from her first ever
breakup, and despite the ache in her chest, she felt a weight had
been lifted; it was surprising that she felt a sort of freedom
being detached from Mark. She had enjoyed being with him; she loved
how it felt being in his arms, but he was truly not the right one
for her. She knew that some of her friends bought into the
philosophy that there was only one person for them, and if they
never met that person, then they would never be truly happy. While
Mark felt close to that realization, he wasn’t the one.

With the bus in sight, Lucy heard
Kat calling for her from somewhere in the throng of teenagers. She
stopped and wanted nothing more than to just ignore her for a day.
She would fill her in later on all that had transpired since their
last heart to heart talk.

But
later
wasn’t on Kat’s agenda. Kat
wiggled through classmates and all but ran to catch
up.

“
Lucy, I just saw Mark. What are
you doing?” Kat was livid. “Is this about Benjamin
Raven?”

Lucy stopped and looked Kat in the eyes, not
knowing what words to say to her.

“
You can’t be serious,” Kat said
incredulously.

“
It’s not like
that. I
had
to
break up with him.”

“
Why?” The word was loud and the
tone was acrid, filled with disbelief. Everyone waiting for the
buses seemed to turn and stare at the two girls.

“
Because I can’t
…
”
she fumbled
the excuse.
“
I
can
’
t explain it
right now.
”

Kat didn’t back off. “Mark’s
a great guy. What is going on with you? You can’t just dump a
perfect guy like Mark because you think you
might
like Benjamin Raven.” Her
tirade was building a full head of steam. Lucy wanted her to quiet
down and not give the school paper anything to print, but Kat would
not be silenced.

Lucy leaned in and, in a hushed tone,
responded, “You don’t understand. What you’re saying is only
partially true.”

“
I know that
you’re in love with him—I
’
m not stupid or blind—but you have
to let it go. It
’
s not practical. He doesn
’
t want you.
”
Kat
’
s words stung like
Benjamin
’
s sword
piercing her body.