How to Be a Normal Person (33 page)

Gus squeezed his eyes shut. He knew it was stupid, being this freaked-out. Over something like this. He missed his dad. He wished he was here. Pastor Tommy would have wrapped his arm around his shoulders and pulled him close and said, “Gussy, here’s what we’re going to do.” And it would have been
right
. It would have been so right and Gus would have made the decision knowing it was for the best.

He kept one window open.

How to be in a long-distance relationship

He opened a second.

How to break up with someone

And a third.

How to know if you’re in love

He had a decision to make. Which one to read first. It was a small decision in the grand scheme of things, but it felt important. He felt like it mattered what order he read these tabs in because he would read them all.

He chewed on his bottom lip, eyes flickering between the three tabs.

Making a decision, he clicked on the one he thought was most important.

HOW TO
Know If You’re in Love

Well, now. Isn’t
this
interesting? Found yourself a lover, have you? And not just a lover, but someone you think you might actually
love
. Congratulations! Love is a wonderful thing to experience. But it can also be absolutely terrifying by the sheer weight of it. So how do you know that what you’re experiencing is truly love and not infatuation coupled with a bout of intestinal gas? Luckily for you, you just need to follow these simple steps to determine if you are in love. By the end of these steps, you’ll either know the joys of the power of love, or you’ll fart and all will be made clear, including your back passages.

Step 1: Make Sure the Object of Your Affections Is Interested

Unrequited love can be quite painful and damaging to an individual’s psyche. In order to avoid what could cause irreparable harm, make sure that the object of your affections is aware of your affections. If they are already your lover, then you are off to a great start! A lover will have some level of affection for you, as one typically will not engage in carnal relations with someone that repulses them, so you have one foot in the door!

However, if your lover is not yet your lover, you need to ask yourself some questions. First, does your lover know you exist? Secondly, have you actually had conversations with your lover? Third, do you stand outside their window at night and watch them sleep? And if so, do you dream of blood and darkness and was your father distant at best? If so, you might not be in love as much as you might be a serial killer. If that’s the case, please click on the following link which will guide you to learning How to Know If You Are a Serial Killer.

Gus was tempted to click on the link, but figured it was probably best not to tempt fate. He didn’t know if he’d survive if the Internet told him he was a serial killer.

Step 2: What Do You Think About Your Lover?

This step is more about introspection. While it is always good to know what your lover desires, you have to also know what
you
want. Simple questions can be asked or activities performed in order to determine the mindset you have about your lover.

Some questions you could ask are as follows:

Do you see a future with your lover?

Yes, Gus did, but he couldn’t help but cringe anytime he read the word lover. One day, he’d have to find out who had written all of this. He thought maybe it was an older man with long white hair and a penchant for turtlenecks, tiny mustaches, and hairless cats named Bouffant El Gato. But yes, Gus could see a future with Casey. In fact, the idea of him
not
being there was causing his palms to sweat.

When you think about your lover, what do you feel?

Current panic aside, Gus felt happy and at peace with a large portion of exasperation mixed in and topped off with just a hint of fond annoyance. Gus wasn’t really sure what that said about him (or Casey for that matter), but he thought maybe he was on the right track.

Does your lover make you laugh?

Yes.

Does your lover make you stronger?

Yes.

Does your lover make you want to wake up in the morning?

Yes.

Does your lover make you happy?

Yes. Always yes.

Does your lover allow you to maintain your individuality?

And Gus paused. Because he wasn’t quite sure what the question was asking. Gus didn’t know if he was sure who he was anymore as an individual. He certainly wasn’t the same person who’d scraped by in the last years following Pastor Tommy’s death. And who was he before his dad had died? He was his father’s son. He was Gustavo Tiberius. Sometimes he was cranky. Sometimes he had a hard time smiling. Sometimes he thought he wasn’t enough for his mother to stick around. Sometimes all he wanted to do was make his father happy so he could see Pastor Tommy’s quiet smile for the rest of his days.

And now? Now he sat huddled under a blanket, hiding in his house wearing his father’s Hawaiian shirt because someone had once said they thought he was abnormal and weird and strange. And maybe he was. Maybe that’s who he was. He didn’t think that clothes made the man or a sudden attempt at a personality shift. He was who he was and—

But really, though. Maybe he wasn’t normal, okay? Maybe he wasn’t like everyone else. But even though he’d tried to become something better, pieces of who he really was still poked through and those were the pieces that Casey seemed to cherish the most about him.

Casey had never asked him to change.

Gus had done that all on his own.

Would you do anything for your lover?

Yes. Wait. No. Gus wouldn’t do heroin for Casey. And he wouldn’t eat cow tongue. Nor would he tell Michael Bay that he thought he was a great filmmaker and that
Armageddon
had no plot holes whatsoever. Also, he was pretty sure he wouldn’t go up against a dance troupe all trained in capoeira, the art of dance fighting, if Casey asked him to. That would just be ridiculous.

But he would play Stoner Scrabble.

And he would talk about Pastor Tommy.

And he would meet his friends.

And he would hold his hand.

And he would hug him. Gus could finally hug him without feeling embarrassed, without feeling like he had to ask, or that he even had any
right
to ask. And Casey never pushed him away. Casey never told him no. Casey always held on as tightly as Gus did, fingers digging in, chin hooked over shoulder, ears and cheeks brushing and if he was lucky, the hug would stretch on far longer than it normally should and would only end when Gus ended it.

Yeah, okay, so maybe there were some things he couldn’t do for Casey. And yeah, there were some things that Casey would never be able to do for him, but what they
could
do for each other? That was enough. That was more than enough.

In fact, it might have been everything.

And if that wasn’t just a punch to the dick.

Well shit.

It appeared Gustavo Tiberius was in love.

Possibly.

There were thirty-seven more steps listed under
How to Know If You’re in Love
but Gus was too busy hyperventilating into his knees to read them. By the time he’d finished, he didn’t need to reach the remaining steps. He was pretty goddamn certain he was in love and it was the most terrible thing in the world.

And no, if asked, Gus still didn’t believe he was prone to hyperbole.

Once he was able to breathe, he told Harry S. Truman, “I blame this whole thing on the entire hipster movement, oh my god. Seriously. What the hell. What are they even
doing
?”

He closed down the love tab and glared at the remaining two.

HOW TO
Be in a Long-Distance Relationship

Is your lover moving because of a job? Or perhaps
you
are. Or perhaps, you’re reading this far into the future and the machines have taken over and your lover is going to fight in the Great War for Survival in order to take down Steve Jobs who has since risen from his grave and infused his body with iOS in order to infect the human race with a diabolical Terms of Service unlike the world has ever seen before.

Regardless of the
why
, you and your lover are going to spend a great deal of time away from each other. It can be hard to be separated and can put strain on any relationship. The following steps can help to provide an easy solution for any long-distance relationship, and even to help it thrive. Also, if you need to figure out how to deal the overlord Steve Jobs, please follow the link on How to Destroy the Robotic Machiavellian Steve Jobs.

Gus was very tempted. Somehow, he resisted. He thought maybe it was because of the power of love. Then he decided that he should never think of the phrase
the power of love
ever again, what the hell.

Step 1: Trust That Everything Will Be Just Fine

Trust. It’s the key in maintaining a healthy and happy long-distance relationship. If you have trust in your lover and your lover has trust in you, it will create a bond of positivity and love between the two of you. It’s when distrust sets in that that the seeds of doubt can be planted only to grow into the weeds of suspicion and the bushes of disbelief.

For example, you begin to hear the name Mary in conversations with your lover. It starts off slight at first, just a mention or two a week of your lover’s new coworker. But then it escalates until almost every conversation has a mention of this Mary.

Do not allow the bushes of disbelief to take root. You should not accuse your lover of being a cheating slattern. Nor should you hire someone to follow them to see what your lover and Mary get up to outside of the office. It is also inadvisable to go online and learn everything there is to possibly know about this Mary while making plans to infiltrate her life and destroy her from the inside because that could be considered an invasion of privacy and/or the actions of an unstable person.

Instead, ask questions that show you’re interested about what your lover has to say. For example:

Lover, this Mary person sounds interesting. What sort of hobbies does she have?

Lover, that was a funny story about Mary. Can you tell me another one?

I think I should meet this Mary, lover. How about the next time I visit, all of us grab dinner?

Guess what?

You do. You do meet Mary.

And you find out she is in a long-term homosexual relationship with her lover Sarah.

See? Had you gone psycho-crazy, you would have never learned that Mary is a lesbian and has no interest in your lover. Mary is also good at wood-cutting and shaving and shows you how to shave a beaver out of pine. She also makes a wonderful cup of oolong tea she learned from her sensei down at the dojo where she is a brown belt.

Because you
trusted
, you and your lover now have a lifelong lesbian friend and a carving of a large, semiaquatic rodent. This is what trust can bring you.

Gus trusted Casey, yes. Of course he did. And it wasn’t like Casey was the type to go and sleep around. Casey probably knew lesbians, though. Gus wondered if lesbians could be hipsters. There was certainly enough plaid to go around for everyone. However, Gus didn’t think that he’d want to do woodworking with a lesbian. The last time he’d tried to work wood, he’d nicked his finger and had bled. Gus didn’t like bleeding.

But he liked Casey.

And he could trust him.

Step 2: Make Sure to Be There for the Good and Bad

It’s easy to remember to celebrate the good things. Birthdays, promotions, anniversaries. Those are all things worth celebrating and are far easier to remember. Surprising your lover with flowers or a love note on their special day can mean the world to them, even if you’re far apart.

However, sometimes bad things happen. Illness and injury are a part of everyday life. The hands of a lover when one is injured or sick can be balm to the weary soul. We sometimes forget, though, the need to be there during the bad times. They are not as much fun to deal with, and don’t typically involve balloons or cake or jumping castles. But it is just as important to remember to be there for the bad times as it is for the good.

For example, you receive a phone call from your lover. They tell you that they failed to get the promotion they worked hard for at their place of employment. In addition, they seem to have come down with a cold. To top it all off, while hiking with Mary and Sarah last Sunday, your lover was attacked by a bear and lost both their legs. While it could be easy to pass this off because it does not involve balloons or cake, remember that this is one of those bad times that you still need to be there for.

Send a card that lets your lover know you’re thinking about them, keeping in mind that laughter is the best medicine. For example, you could write the following message:

Dearest beloved:

I “bear”—ly have a leg to stand on to show you how much I love you.

Love,

Your Lover

Gus wasn’t quite convinced anymore at the validity of this website. He was beginning to regret that very first day that he clicked on the link that told him how to be a normal person. The fact that this website had what seemed like thousands of scenarios all written by the same person made him wonder just how much time said person had on their hands.