How to Be a Normal Person (35 page)

“I’m almost thirty!”

“He’s growing up so quickly,” Bernice said, sounding oddly tearful. “Pretty soon, he’s going to move away to the big city and become a stockbroker and do cocaine off the buttocks of high-class Indonesian call girls before he finds his one true love. Or loves.”

“You need to stop reading DesRinaDale fan fiction,” Betty told her.

“It’s not a problem,” Bernice insisted. “I can stop anytime I want. I only downloaded six hundred more fics last night to read. In four hundred of them, Martindale is a barista. A
barista
. Do you know how original that is?
No one has ever done that before
. And now I get to read about it
four hundred times
.”

“Isn’t DesRinaDale that thing from Casey’s books?” Serge asked. “The bisexual three-way or whatever?”

“Yeah,” Xander said. “People get weird about them. Young adult vampire/werewolf postapocalyptic dystopian fans can get really rabid. Once, a fourteen-year-old sent him pornographic fan art. I felt dirty even being near it. Fourteen-year-olds should not be able to draw explicit three-way bisexual sex scenes involving felching.”

“We wouldn’t
have
to if
someone
would just finish the next book exactly as I want it to be,” Bernice said, glaring at Casey, who had yet to look away from Gus.

“Gus, I’d like to audition for Pinewood Beavers now,” Josiah said. “I’ve just prepared a scene that I think would fit right in with the feel of the porn parody. And scene.” He grinned salaciously at Gus and arched an eyebrow. “Hey. Do you want to carve some wood with me, Boy Scout? I’ll help you earn your Got Wood badge. End scene.” He frowned. “Okay, that was a work in progress. I’ll get back to you.”

“Oh my god,” Gus whispered fervently. “I have quirky friends. I have mischievous misadventures. My life is a fucking romantic comedy.” And maybe he couldn’t breathe so well after that. “Holy shit!” he squeaked. “I’m Jennifer Lopez!”

And that pretty much killed the conversation because if there was one thing Gus was definitely not, it was Jennifer Lopez. For one, he was not a Latina. Two, he had never dated his own backup dancer. Three, he’d never
had
backup dancers. And four, he hadn’t squandered a promising start to a career with poor script choices and devolved into something that meandered around mediocre. Also, Gus had a bit of a flat ass. Damn genetics.

“We should let them talk,” Bertha said. “Let’s all go into the kitchen where we won’t be listening through the door at all.”

“We won’t?” Bernice said, sounding particularly aggrieved. “But I have to—ohhh. Right.” She winked obscenely. “We definitely won’t be listening to any conversation that will take place out here because that would be impolite.”

Betty came and took Harry S. Truman’s carrier out of Gus’s hand. “I’ll take good care of him, Jenny from the block,” she said. Gus wanted to smack her for her insolence, but even he knew that Betty could kick his ass, and he didn’t want to have what he hoped to be a slightly dramatic love confession with a black eye or a lacerated liver.

Lottie ushered everyone into the kitchen, the door swinging behind them, and Gus was sure the moment the door closed, they’d all pressed their ears up against the door.

“Hey, man,” Casey said after a while, the first time he’d spoken since Gus had told him about wanting to be lesbians together. He didn’t look particularly happy.

“Hi,” Gus said, suddenly very nervous. “Hello. Um. How are you? I am fine. Thanks for asking. Er. Not that you asked. Or anything.”

Gus knew then without a doubt that this was going to be a disaster.

“You kind of ran away,” Casey said, with no real accusation in his voice. “Hid for a bit, I guess.”

Gus nodded. “Yes, yes I did. I had to think and look things up on the Internet and now I am here to have an adult conversation with an open line of communication.”

“Okay,” Casey said, a hint of a smile on his lips. “Yeah, man. I can do that. Share space.”

“Share space, oh my god.”

“Share space,” Casey agreed.

“Fine,” Gus relented. He could do this. “I’ll go first. I don’t normally wear Hawaiian shirts, flip-flops, and jeans with holes in them. The only reason I did that was because I heard you call me abnormal and weird and strange and I didn’t like that because even though I pretended not to, I thought you were the most interesting person I’d ever met. So I went home, remembered I didn’t have the Internet, went to the library, got accused of gang-bang babies, spoke to Mitzi with
i’
s and
y
’s, got the Internet, found porn in the first three minutes, and then looked up how to be a normal person. Somehow, that ended up with me having a boyfriend like you and I’ll never regret it, ever, but I’m not a ball of sunshine or a Share Bear or whatever. Sometimes, I fake smile at myself in the mirror but it makes me look like a douchebag, so I try not to do it too often. I bitch about reading inspirational quotes but secretly don’t mind them. Well, a little bit. Also? I think posting pictures to Instagram is stupid. I like your face and your smile and I like it when you’re stoned and I like it when you’re sober and I would like it even if I had to do it long-distance. So. You can move away if you need to and that’s okay. Mostly. You can stay here too, and that’s fine. But I just want you to do what you want to do and I hope you want me to be a part of it too because I think you’re super cool. And I wished I hadn’t just said super cool, oh my god. Seriously. I don’t know why, but I sort of talk like you now and I swear to god, if you’re turning me into a hipster, I will unleash my wrath and it will be unlike anything this world has ever seen.”

Casey gaped at him.

“Oh, this is so awkward to listen to,” Bernice said from the kitchen. “I am so uncomfortable right now. Hush! I’m trying to hear every word!”

“What the hell,” Gus groaned, his brain catching up with his mouth. “My life
is
a romantic comedy. This is the singularly most depressing thing I’ve heard since I found out Michael Bay was given money to make another movie. Why don’t they
learn
?”

“I’m conflicted if I ever want Gus to meet Michael Bay,” Bernice said. “On one hand, Gus would probably end up in jail. On the other hand, we wouldn’t get
Transformers 16: Vast Black Hole Dark Space Moon Star
.”

“I auditioned for
Transformers 2
,” Josiah said. “I showed up in a kid’s Optimus Prime costume I got at Walmart. They thought I was a sex offender. I didn’t get the part.”

“You poor dear,” Bernice said.

“Gus,” Casey said, voice shaking as he took a step toward him. “I’m so sorry.”

And that made Gus falter. Because
why
would Casey be apologizing unless he didn’t feel the same way? Gus thought maybe this whole thing had been a mistake and he wished he hadn’t said anything at all.

But then Casey said, “I’m so sorry that I made you think you weren’t perfect just the way you are. Because you are, okay? Gus. You are perfect.”

Gus frowned at him. “Are you high right now?”

Casey shook his head. “No.”

“Because you like a lot of things when you’re high.”

“I know. But I like you even more when I’m sober.”

“Boom,” Bernice moaned. “Right in the
feels
.”

“I don’t understand,” Gus admitted. “You thought I was weird.”

Casey smiled sadly. “I did. I do, man. You are. But that’s a good thing. Gus, when I said that, I meant it as a good thing, okay? Man, you have no idea, do you? You’re just this… this
dude
, okay? You’re abnormal and weird and strange, but I
like
that. I came here because I was tired of fake people. I was tired of being told one thing and having it mean another. I was tired of being lied to, of being coddled and hand-held. So I came here to get away and instead found the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Gus, I don’t need you to be anybody but who you are, because who you are is just fine for me. You don’t berate me because I like to get stoned. You don’t give a shit that I’m sort of famous. You don’t care that I’m asexual.”

Gus frowned. “Of course I don’t. Why would I?”

Casey’s smile widened. “Exactly, man. And it’s the same for me. I don’t want you to be a normal person, okay? Or, if that’s what you want, that’s okay too. I just want you to have what makes you happy, Gus. And that’s what matters most. I would like it if that were me, but if not, that’s okay too.” He was close enough now that when he reached out, he could take Gus’s hand in his own. Gus squeezed him tight.

“You’re leaving,” Gus said, trying to focus through his dizzying thoughts. “You’re going back.”

“Yeah, man,” Casey said. “And that was not a conversation Xander should have had with you. I wanted to talk to you first before I did anything.”

“My bad!” Xander called out. “Super sorry!”

“I’m coming back,” Casey said, entwining Gus’s fingers with his own. “That’s what I was going to tell you. I’m going back to LA next month, going to pack up the shit I want, and then I’m coming back. Lottie wants to travel a bit, so I told her I would stay here and run the store while she’s gone. Serge, Xander, and Josiah will watch the house for me in Pasadena. Maybe I’ll sell it one day. Maybe I’ll keep it. I don’t know, man. But I want to be here, okay? I want to be here with you and I want that more than I’ve wanted anything in a real long time.”

Gus said, “Wow. That’s cool, bruh. Awesome. Don’t ask me to go to California with you because that sounds terrible. You’re staying here? For real?”

Casey said, “Yeah, man. I’m staying. I can write here. I can be happy here. You’re here. We can keep going on dates, man. Like, just, so many dates.”

Gus said, “Yeah. Okay. I want that. For a long time, okay? And I might still wear floral-print shirts because I’m used to them now. But no Strawberry Festivals.”

Casey said, “That was so wicked. I thought I was going to die and then I ate quiche and we played Stoner Scrabble and you got stoned and laughed and we still have to finish
Monkey Island Adventures
.”

Gus said, “Cool. That’s so cool. You’re so cool. You’re like ice, you’re so cool.”

Casey said. “Did you just make that up? I swear to god you come up with the best shit. I’m like
ice
, I’m so cool. God, you are abnormal and weird and strange and that’s awesome.”

Gus said, “No, you’re awesome. I’m probably going to cancel the Internet, okay? I don’t need it anymore, so it’s good. I don’t want to accidentally find out if her mouth got pregnant or whatever.”

Casey said, “Yeah, man. Right. I have no idea what you’re talking about. But that’s okay.”

Gus said, “It doesn’t matter. Hey, I’m wet. It’s raining.”

Casey said, “Cats and dogs, man,” and it was like the
first
time all over again.

Gus choked out, “I’m going to hug you. Okay? Probably for an embarrassingly long period of time.”

Casey gave him the brightest smile. “I was hoping you were going to say that. Bring it in, Grumpy Gus.”

Gus did.

And it was epic.

Gus didn’t even mind when he heard a chorus of people say “Awww” in the background because he was far too busy congratulating himself for having an adult conversation, keeping lines of communication open, and holding on to one of the most important things in his life as tightly as he could.

(Three days before he died, Pastor Tommy had taken Gus’s hand in his own and said, “I love you, Gussy. I love you more than anything else in this world. And one day I hope you get to love someone like I love you. If you do, and I know you will, you make sure you never let that go. It’ll be scary, but it’ll be the best thing that’s ever happened to you if you let it. I am going to hold on as tight as I possibly can while I still can, okay? Enough of that, though. We’ve still got time. I think there’s a
House Hunters International
marathon on. Let’s watch it and see rich people make poor decisions, what the hell is their problem, oh my god.”)

AFTER THE
adult conversation which led to an outburst of feelings better left for a Lifetime movie starring actors from the eighties and nineties, it was decided that Casey and Gus would embark on the next stage in the relationship, that big step for couples that could reveal habits that could make or break a relationship.

“I’m staying the night with you tonight,” Casey said casually.

“Um,” Gus said. “Like. All night?”

“Yeah, man. All night.”

“Sure,” Gus said, screaming internally. “That sounds swell.”

“Great,” Casey said, beaming.

“I have to go now,” Gus said. “I left vegan banana-nut granola bars in the oven.”

“What,” Casey said.

“I’ll see you tonight!”

He fled. It wasn’t until he got home that he realized he’d left Harry S. Truman with the We Three Queens and felt like an irresponsible pet owner. He also felt like a drug addict needing his next fix as he immediately flipped open the laptop and typed
how to sleep over for the first time
into the site he couldn’t quite get rid of.

“Enabler,” he hissed as the site loaded.

Look at you! You’ve made the mature and responsible decision to have your lover stay over for the first time. This can be a perfect time to grow as a couple and find out if you’re compatible sleeping together in the same bed. And yes! We mean that in the
literal
sense. If you are looking for more erotic advice, please feel free to click over to How to Know It’s Time to Fornicate.

“Nope,” Gus said. “Nope, nope, nope.”

If you’re nervous about the situation, try having your lover spend the night in your home rather than going to his. This will allow you the comforts of your own home, which should help with the potential stress of the situation. By following these simple, easy steps, you should find yourself having a wonderful evening!

Make sure it’s okay with your parents. It’s never a good idea to invite your lover over if your parents don’t know about it.