How to Be a Normal Person (37 page)
“Dude,” Casey said in awe. “Did you just make this up off the top of your head?”
“Yeah,” Gus said. “I’ve got ideas. You don’t even know. And the book follows one specific dog. He’s like, at the bottom of the rung in the dog Mafia. And has to work his way up. And by the very end, he’s like, Don Dog. Or something. But it’d be
really gritty
, okay? Like, murder and sex and stuff. Like. Poodle hookers. Like,
all
the poodles would be hookers because honestly? Poodles are hookers of the dog world, you know?”
“Totally,” Casey said. “Every time I see a poodle, I just want to say, ‘Hey.’ I want to say, ‘Hey. Don’t… don’t
hook
near me. Or whatever. I’m not interested, poodle hooker!’ You know?”
“I do,” Gus said. “So not interested. Goddamn poodle hookers.”
“And the dog would have to do some pretty horrible shit,” Casey said. “To get to the top. Like, he’d have to order another dog to be neutered. Or something. To earn his redemption arc.”
“Yeah,” Gus said. “And they’d have a BDSM club called Ruff. Because that’s the sounds dogs make and the kind of sex they have there is rough. You know?”
“Gus,” Casey breathed. “Do you know what the Pulitzer is?”
“Yeah,” Gus scoffed. “I read encyclopedias. Jeez.”
“We could totally win.
We could totally win
.”
“I haven’t even told you the best part.”
“You haven’t? Gus, what the hell!”
Gus shrugged.
“Tell me the best part,” Casey demanded, poking Gus in the face. “You have to! We’re writing buddies.”
“The title,” Gus said.
“Oh my god,” Casey whispered reverently. “Tell me. Lay it on me. I need this like
air
.”
“It’s a pun,” Gus said. “A play on words, you know? But it’s
smart
.”
“Is it
The Dogfather
?”
“No, but now I sort of wish it was.”
“Tell me!”
Gus took a deep breath and revealed the title to a book that would never be written because when they both woke up sober the next day, they realized it was the most ridiculous thing in the history of the world, and most book ideas should not be fleshed out while stoned. “
Puppy on a Hot Tin Woof
.”
Casey fell off the bed.
CURLED UP
into each other late into the night, Gus said, “What were you worried about?”
“Hmm?” Casey asked, rubbing his forehead against Gus’s chest.
“Earlier. You said you worried too.”
“Oh.” He frowned.
“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to,” Gus said. “I don’t mind.”
“No,” Casey said quietly. “You’ve given me a lot, you know? And we should be open about this.”
“About what?”
“Sex,” Casey said bluntly.
Gus jerked back, forcing Casey to look up at him. “Sex.”
“Yeah, man.”
“But I thought you….”
“Right. But you’re not.”
“So?”
“Xander said he told you. You know. About us.”
“Yeah,” Gus said, not really sure where this was going.
“I got jealous,” Casey said. “We were together, but I couldn’t give him the things he wanted. He never pressured me, never forced me to do anything that I didn’t want. But he was used to things being a certain way and I couldn’t do that. Not even with him. So I told him he could get that side of it from others, as long as we were honest with each other. I thought it’d work. There are plenty of ace relationships that are open and thrive. I know couples who do that. I just….” He sighed. “I don’t know. Maybe I had no right, or maybe I did. But I got jealous, knowing he was out there with someone else. It didn’t last very long after that.”
“Do you still get jealous of him?” Gus asked, not sure if he wanted the answer.
Casey snorted. “No. Haven’t for a long, long time. I don’t see him as anything but a friend anymore. I’m all about you, Gustavo.”
“I
am
pretty cool,” Gus said, trying very hard not to be smug.
“Vanilla Ice,” Casey agreed. He relaxed against Gus again. “But that’s what I worry about, you know? That we’ll get to that point where it won’t be enough.”
“It will be,” Gus said, suddenly sure.
“You don’t know that,” Casey said.
“And neither do you. That’s kind of the point of relationships, right? To find this stuff out.”
“Did you learn that from the Internet?” Casey asked, eyes narrowed.
“Yes,” Gus said, not even remotely ashamed. Well. Maybe a little. “Yes, I did.”
“I can do… stuff,” Casey said, pressing against Gus. “You know?”
“Really,” Gus said. He felt fuzzy and warm and happy. “Like what?
“Like maybe one day you could lay with your back against my chest and I can watch you jack off.”
And damn, if that didn’t punch the air right out from his chest. “Jesus fucking Christ,” Gus wheezed. “Don’t
say
stuff like that!”
Casey grinned, and it was slightly evil. “You’d want to do that? With me?”
Gus nodded. He’d want that very much. He didn’t
need
it, but it was nice to know it was an option. He knew he wouldn’t be able to assuage all of Casey’s fears, not in one night, so he made plans to show him every day that there was nothing to fear. And one day, Casey would believe him.
“Good,” Casey said. “We’ll get there, okay? One day.”
“Yeah,” Gus said. “Can I kiss you?”
“Yeah, man. That’d be awesome. I like kissing you. I like pretty much everything about you.”
“Not a lot of movement,” Gus said, teasing him lightly.
“Not a lot,” Casey agreed. “Maybe some.”
And he lifted himself up, pressing his forehead against Gus’s. For a moment, they stayed where they were, breathing in each other’s air. Then Casey lowered his mouth and brushed their lips together. Gus brought his hand up to the back of Casey’s head, holding him gently. There was movement, but just a little. Casey sucked Gus’s bottom lip between his own and Gus tightened his hold. He felt Casey’s beard scrape against his face, felt Casey’s nose bump into his own, and for the first time in a very long time, Gus didn’t think of himself as abnormal. Or weird. Or strange. Or sad or grumpy or anything else, for that matter.
No. Gustavo Tiberius thought there was a very real chance that he might be completely happy.
And that felt just fine.
THE NEXT
morning.
“
Puppy on a Hot Tin Woof
? Oh my fucking god. Why the hell would you let me
say
anything like that?”
“Hey, man. That’s all on you. I still think it’s awesome.”
“Poodle hookers? Casey.
Poodle hookers
. What the hell.”
“So. No cowriting a novel?”
“No cowriting a novel, oh my god.”
RECORDING OF
a customer call taken by Pacific Northwest Cable service representative Mitzi Reniger on September 24
th
, 2014, at 11:31 A.M. THIS RECORDING IS USED FOR INTERNAL REVIEW ONLY. DO NOT RELEASE RECORDINGS TO THE PUBLIC.
“Thank you for calling Pacific Northwest Cable, this is Mitzi and this call may be recorded for quality assurance. How may I provide you with excellent service today?”
“Oh my god.”
“I’m… sorry? Can I help you?”
“Is this Mitzi with an
i
or a
y
?”
“This is Mitzi with an
i
. Two of them, in fact! To whom am I speaking?”
“Gustavo Tiberius.”
“Oh no. No, dear god, no. I mean… uh. Hello, sir. I do believe this is the first time we’re speaking. Ever. It is a pleasure to speak with you. For the first time.”
“Mitzi, Mitzi, Mitzi.”
“Is there something I can assist you with today, Mr. Tiberius?”
“I am going to do something you have never heard of before. Something you’ll probably find shocking. Prepare yourself. Mitzi, I’d like to cancel the Internet.”
“W-w-what?”
“Are you
laughing
at me?”
“Of course not! I just thought of a funny joke at the exact same time you said that.”
“Really. What was the joke?”
“What.”
“The joke, Mitzi. I want to hear it.”
“Um. Okay. What… um. Oh! What do you call it when Batman skips church?”
“I’m sure I have no idea.”
“Christian Bale.”
“….”
“Mr. Tiberius?”
“Okay. You got me. That was funny.”
“You’re… not laughing?”
“I am on the inside. Now, about canceling my service?”
“Do you have your Pacific Northwest Cable account number?”
*Edited to protect consumer privacy*
“Okay, I have your account. Thank you for being a loyal Pacific Northwest Cable customer for the last twelve years.”
“You said that the last time. It feels as meaningless and empty now as it did then.”
“Wonderful. Can you please verify the address?”
*Edited to protect consumer privacy*
“And your date of birth and the last four digits of your social security number.”
*Edited to protect consumer privacy*
“Okay, Mr. Tiberius. You said you wanted to cancel your Pacific Northwest Cable’s Super Xtreme Broadband Internet Service, is that correct?”
“Yes.”
“I would be more than willing to help you out with that today. Now, Mr. Tiberius, while I’m opening the correct screen to process your cancelation, I’d like to ask you some questions if I may.”
“Of course you would.”
“It’s just standard procedure, Mr. Tiberius.”
“You
say
that, but I know what you’re doing. I’m onto you, Mitzi.”
“Oh dear. Okay. Um. How often would you say you used Pacific Northwest Cable’s Super Xtreme Broadband Internet Service?”
“Daily. Multiple times a day.”
“Oh. I… was not expecting that answer.”
“Why?”
“Well, last time you… never mind. What did you use it for?”
“Things.”
“Like….”
“Just. To look up stuff.”
“Any stuff in particular?”
“No! And if you’re insinuating that I learned how to get your mouth pregnant off of Tumblr, then I resent that remark! I really do!”
“I don’t… I’m not….”
“You know, in all honestly, I blame that on you. You were the one that sold me the Internet. The very least you could have done was warn me that places like Tumblr exist. How is it that on one page, you see a kitten sneezing into a bowl of water, and the very next, there is someone getting anally fisted? I mean, why is it
like
that?”
“I honestly don’t know if I’m qualified to answer that question.”
“I would be worried if you were.”
“So. You looked up things on the Internet.”
“Yes.”
“Like, on Wikipedia?”
“Sometimes. It was one of those ‘-pedia’ sites, though I’m not sure it was properly sanctioned by Wikipedia. Someone should write to them and tell them someone is copying them on the Internet, because I assume that never happens. It doesn’t seem right.”
“Okay. Sure. Why not. Did you ever go to any entertainment sites, or the like?”
“I tried to hack into Michael Bay’s website, but it turns out I don’t know how to be a hacker. Which wasn’t all that surprising.”
“Michael Bay.”
“Yes, the director. Or, in layman’s terms, the trash collector.”
“Oh. I see. Not a fan?”
“Is the sky blue?”
“Yes?”
“Right. Okay. I don’t know where I was going with that. No, I’m not a fan.”
“My nephews liked the
Transformers
movies.”
“I’m sorry for your loss.”
“What?”
“Nothing. Canceling?”
“Right. Um. Wow, Mr. Tiberius! It sure seems like you use the Internet quite a bit. Is there a reason you’re wanting to cancel Pacific Northwest Cable’s Super Xtreme Broadband Internet Service with MegaCheck Security, also known as the fastest and safest Internet experience around?”
“Yes. I managed to make the asexual hipster stoner my boyfriend and he doesn’t think I’m weird so I no longer have to look up how to be a normal person.”
“….”
“Mitzi.”
“I literally don’t know what to say to that. I’ve done this job for seven years.
Seven
.
Years
. I have scripts right in front of me that cover three hundred and forty-seven potential situations that can come up during retention calls. It feels like I have to go to customer service training
every other day
in order to learn new ways to face customer challenges. And not
once
have I ever had anyone call me and tell me what you just did. I have never been trained for this. I don’t know what to do.”
“Oh. You’re welcome? I guess.”
“So, it worked, huh?”
“What did?”
“The winkie face. You sent the winkie face, didn’t you? You sent the winkie face and now you’re in love and stuff.”
“What! Of course not! I don’t even know what you’re—hey! I thought you said this was the first time we were speaking. Mitzi! You’re a
liar
! And why do you sound so smug? You smug
liar
!”
“Hold, please.”
“What! Why are you—”
“Thank you for holding. We are here to provide you with a Cabletastic experience and—”
“Oh my god.”
“—your Cabletastic representative will be right back on the line. Did you know that you can optimize your Pacific Northwest Cable’s Super Xtreme Broadband Internet Service with MegaCheck Security? Ask your representative how you can—”
“Oh my god.”
“—have the fastest speed available and we’ll make it happen! Now, please enjoy the following preview for an entertainment experience coming soon to Pacific Northwest Cable. Dun dun duuuuuuuun. From director Michael Bay, comes a story of true love and the power of the human condition. And copious amounts of gratuitous explosions in slow motion. Michael Bay presents Michael Bay’s
Tsunami Drama
—”
“
What
! Mitzi! You take me off hold!
Mitzi
!”
“—a beautiful love story set against the back drop of a global warming pandemic. Cities will fall. Oceans will rise. Their love will keep them afloat.
Tsunami Drama
. Rated PG-13.”
