How to Be a Normal Person (15 page)

Dead silence.

Gus didn’t know if he should repeat the question. He pulled his phone away from his ear and saw the call was still connected.

Finally, Bertha said, in a rather choked voice, “You want me to recommend a proctologist.”

“Yes,” Gus said, suddenly very glad they were not having this conversation face to face.

More silence.

Then, “Dr. Wong is very… thorough.”

“Good,” Gus said with a resolute nod. “I would like to hire his services.”

“Oh my god,” he heard someone moan in the background.

He heard more muffled whispering before Betty’s voice came on the line. “Gus, who told you that you were pungent?”

“No one,” Gus said. “I just need to make sure.”

“You’re not pungent,” she said. “You always smell nice. Like autumn leaves and gingersnaps.”

“Huh,” Gus said. “I use a body wash called Fall Cookies. That might be it.”

“Yes, Gus,” Betty said. “That might be it.”

“So, no pungency.”

“None whatsoever.”

“Well,” Gus said. “I suppose that makes things easier.”

“Gus, what brought this on?”

“Oh nothing. Nothing at all. Just… thinking. About stuff. And things.”

“Really.”

“Yes.”

“Well, this wasn’t the advice we were expecting to give, I guess.”

“What were you expecting?”

She laughed. “We thought you were going to ask us how to woo Casey.”

Gus sputtered for one minute and thirty-six seconds. It was a new record for sputtering, at least for Gus. By the time he’d finished, his hands were sweaty and he wished the We Three Queens had never heard of Abby, Oregon.

But much to his surprise, he said, “I can figure out how to do that myself.”

And hung up the phone.

THE NEXT
morning, Gus made sure he had excellent hygiene before he left the house for the day. It was Saturday, and Casey had made mention of possibly coming over again at lunch to watch another movie. Gus wanted to tell him he would read his book, but since he had no interest in young adult fiction, postapocalyptic fiction, werewolf and/or vampire fiction, and bisexual love triangles, he was probably not going to. He just needed to figure out how to say it without it sounding rude. He was happy for Casey that he’d found such success (well, maybe not
happy
, because Gus couldn’t really parcel out a specific feeling he had toward Casey other than vague unease) but such things were not for him. He’d tried to look down the next steps in his
how to be a normal person
list, but there was nothing in there to assist in telling an asexual hipster that you weren’t going to read their book.

The Internet had failed Gustavo Tiberius.

But he was in a two-year contract with it now.

It was like a loveless arranged marriage.

God, his life was hard.

He left the house, this time wearing a green Hawaiian shirt and a pair of khakis, a brown belt, and a pair of flip-flops he’d found in his own closet from a couple of years ago when he’d decided to be daring during the summer.

The bell rang overhead as he walked into Lottie’s Lattes, and once again, Lottie stood in the front next to Casey, as she had been the last few days, eyeing him suspiciously. Casey had told him the day before that Lottie was sure that the Gus before them was a doppelganger, and that his aura was shifting into multiple colors. Gus had replied that he most certainly was
not
a doppelganger for heaven’s sake, and that Lottie should not be staring at his aura so hard.

“Gus,” Lottie said, eyes narrowed. “Best Supporting Actor winner 1961.”

“George Chakiris for
West Side Story
.”

“Best Documentary Short, same year.”

“
Project Hope
.”

“Hmm,” she said. “I’ll make your coffee, Gus. If that’s your real name.”

“Actually,” Gus said, remembering what he’d learned about being normal. He needed to take care of his body better, and the amount of caffeine he’d consumed over the last fifteen years was frightening. “Can I order the… oh for fuck’s sake, really? I have to say that? Ugh. The Bombastic Berry Blast fruit smoothie.” And then, “Please.” And then, “Thank you.” It was perfectly normal.

Of course, Lottie just glared at him.

“Good choice, man,” Casey said. “It really is bombastic. Just when you think you’ve gotten past the blackberries and raspberries, there’s this boom of acai that just hits and it’s… man, I don’t even know. It just hits
right
.”

“Yes, exactly,” Gus said, even though he had no idea what acai was and why it should hit anything at all.

“Dig the shirt,” Casey said, looking him up and down.

“Oh,” Gus said. “Thank you. I dig you.” Oh fuck. “I mean, your shirt. Er. And your… tattoos. And your bracelet.”

Lottie started coughing quite loudly.

Casey smiled shyly at him. “Thanks, man.” He reached up and ran a hand through his messy hair, pulled back and held loosely with a leather strap. His glasses were folded and hanging off the collar of his shirt, which announced he was a member of the Kearney, Nebraska Elks Lodge #984. Gus almost wanted to know where he’d gotten the shirt, but figured it was a hipster secret and he wasn’t privy to such information. He wondered if there was an entire hipster underground where they got together and compared ironic situations.

“Hey, I was thinking,” Casey said. “If you didn’t have any plans tonight, we should do something when you get off of work.”

And Gus was not prepared for this.

He had not read anything on his normal list to deal with this.

He had not even thought about this.

This… he didn’t know what this was.

So he said, “Er. Um. Ugh.”

And Casey said, “We could go get a pizza and a beer, maybe? If you wanted to.”

And
this
.
This
was on the list. Gus was prepared for
this
. And before he could think it through, Gus said, “Hey, bro, I have a better idea. Let’s go try that heart-healthy vegan restaurant that just opened over on Main Street. I hear their crispy kale and tofu salad is the bomb.”

Lottie dropped the smoothie she was making. It exploded as soon as it hit the ground, berry juice spraying all over her. “Sorry,” she exclaimed. “So sorry! It just slipped!”

Gus didn’t pay much attention because he was in the throes of realizing two things at once: first, no new heart-healthy vegan restaurant has opened in Abby, much less on Main Street. And two, being normal was a lot harder than it looked because what the
hell
had he just done?

“Really?” Casey asked him, handing Lottie a towel to wipe off the smoothie on her face and in her drag queen hair. “I didn’t know something like that had opened here. That sounds great.”

“Uhhh,” Gus said.

“You close the video store at five, right? We can go then. Try your bomb crispy kale and tofu salad.”

“Uhhh,” Gus said.

“It’s in my
eye
,” Lottie said. “There’s so much berry in my
eye
.”

“Uhhh,” Gus said. “I will see you later.”

And no, he didn’t
run
out of Lottie’s Lattes, Harry S. Truman squawking at his side. It just looked like he did.

“I NEED
help wooing!” Gus hissed as soon as the We Three Queens walked into the Emporium.

They stared at him. Then, “This is what we expected in the first place,” Bertha said. “What do you need?”

It couldn’t be that bad, right? “I may have accidentally made up a vegan restaurant on Main Street and invited him to it.” Okay, it sounded bad. “But, to be fair, he started it by asking me to pizza and beer.”

The We Three Queens winced.

“And you countered with a fake vegan restaurant,” Betty said.

“Oh dear,” Bernice said. “You didn’t do very good at all.”

“What do we need to do?” Bertha asked, and Gus decided she was his favorite.

“Go and rent a storefront on Main Street and turn it into a vegan restaurant so that we can pretend. You’ll have to play the waitstaff, but if we disguise you, he shouldn’t know the difference. You’ll also need to learn vegan cuisine.”

“Okay,” Betty said. “By the level of detail and complexity, I am assuming you set the date for some time next month.”

“It’s not a date!” Gus said, sounding slightly horrified, because
what if it was?
“And it’s tonight!”

“Oh, son,” Bernice said, rolling her eyes. “You done fucked up now.”

“Bernice,” Bertha said. “Don’t be crude. Just because Gus fucked up doesn’t mean you need to call him out on it.”

“Yeah, Bernice,” Betty said. “He fucked up. He doesn’t need to hear it. He knows he fucked up. Big time. Don’t you, Gus. You know. You know you fucked up.”

Gus said, “Hrmph.”

“Yeah,” Betty said. “He knows.”

“I have solved all of your problems,” Bertha said, looking down at her phone. “I found a vegan restaurant on Main Avenue.”

“Main Avenue?” Gus asked. “There is no—”

“It’s in Eugene.”

“That’s an hour away!”

“Or you could just be a liar,” Bernice said. “Start a relationship built on lies. You liar.”

“I’m not starting
anything
!”

“Odd,” Betty said. “I could have sworn he just asked us for advice on how to woo.”

“Actually,” Bertha said, “he didn’t just ask us for advice on how to woo, he
frantically
asked us for advice on how to woo.”

Gus tried to put his fist in his mouth and screamed around it.

“Wow,” Betty said. “Feel better?”

“No,” Gus said. He dropped his hand. “I’m angry and wearing a green Hawaiian shirt.”

“About that,” Bernice said.

“Not the time,” Gus growled.

“Ah,” Bernice said. “Understood.”

“I already made you a reservation,” Bertha said. “For seven tonight. I am texting you the address and directions.”

“Now remember,” Bernice said, “don’t come on too strong. You don’t want to overwhelm the conversation. Unless it’s about his books. Then you goddamn better find out every single detail, I swear to god, Gustavo Tiberius, I will
murder
you if you don’t—”

“Um,” Betty said, trying to stem Bernice’s crazy eyes. “Bernice is partly right. Talk about him. Ask him his interests. Make sure you’re listening and ask follow-up questions. Gus, you hate follow-up questions, but you have to ask them. That’s how conversations work.”

“Also,” Bertha said, frowning slightly, “don’t try to get into his pants tonight. Keep it above the clothes until at least the fifth date. You don’t want him to buy the goods right away when he could be having little samples first to get hooked.”

Gus could only say “He’s asexual.”

Silence.

Then, “Give us a moment, Gus.”

They walked to the opposite end of the store where they proceeded to have a whispered conversation while glancing back at him occasionally. Gus glanced down at his phone and saw a message from
HOW IS THIS MY LIFE
.

muse werkin ovahtime can’t bring sammich. Want lottie 2?

Gus didn’t even try to think what it meant that he could pretty much understand Casey’s gibberish now.

No. I’m fine. Please continue writing your original young adult dystopia book as no one has ever written one before.

LOL! totes hyster. grumpy gus, comedian. chat late xx

He stared at those little double
x
’s for far too long.

“What are you smiling at?”

He looked up. The We Three Queens stood in front of him again, identical smirks on their faces.

“I wasn’t smiling,” he said. “I was doing lip stretches.”

“Gus, we’ve changed our strategy of wooing,” Bertha said, and if Gus was the type of person to spout such frivolous things, he would have told each of them how much he loved them.

“The fact that he is asexual and you’re interested speaks volumes about the both of you,” Bernice said. “You are a lovely man, and he would be very lucky to have you in any capacity. I hope you know that. I’m sure he does too.”

“You need to make sure he’s comfortable,” Betty said. “Let him set the pace for anything that might happen. But don’t go into this thinking anything
will
happen, Gus. You can’t change someone else to fit how you want them to be. I don’t think you’d do something like that, but even having expectations of something unrealistic can be detrimental.”

But Gus thought he could change himself and maybe that was enough.

“The fact that he’s already told you of his asexuality also shows how comfortable he is with you,” Bertha said. “We knew a lovely asexual woman back in the nineties who told us only after we’d known her for close to a year. It’s not a secret, nor is it meant to be, but it shows a sign of trust and comfort to be told.”

Gus was quiet for a moment. Then, “He gives really good hugs.”

The We Three Queens sighed.

“Ah, to be young again,” Bernice said, hands clasped over her heart.

“Hugging is wonderful,” Bertha said.

“We should hug more,” Betty said.

“This is not a date,” Gus said, just because he felt like it needed to be repeated.

“Of course it’s not,” Bertha said.

“It’s just two guys hanging out,” Bernice said.

“Getting to know each other,” Betty said.

“Maybe you catch each other’s eyes and stare for a little too long,” Bertha said.

“And maybe he touches the back of your hand,” Bernice said.

“And maybe you sigh just a little bit,” Betty said.

“And have fulfilling conversation,” Bertha said.

“And it’s like you’re in your own little world,” Bernice said.

“Where no one else exists,” Betty said.

“Oh my god,” Gus moaned. “Please stop. Please.”

They laughed and he thought it wasn’t the worst sound he’d ever heard.

God, he was getting soft.

GUS WASN’T
nervous.

No, Gus was
terrified
.

He thought the We Three Queens would have helped. And they did. In their own way.