How to Be a Great Lover (5 page)

• Don't use a heavily scented candle at dinner; it will interfere with the taste of the food.
  
• Never leave candles unattended.
  
• Put a small amount of water in the bottom of a votive candle holder; this will automatically extinguish the candle in case you should forget to blow it out, preventing the holder from becoming so hot it might shatter.
  

  Soft light provides a psychological advantage for those who r may feel uncomfortable about a sexual encounter, or shy in the first few interludes with a brand new lover. Regardless of how right lovemaking may feel emotionally, whenever you're trying something different sexuallybe it a new partner, position, or sexual act—it is natural to be nervous. Sometimes, a little less light on the subject can help to minimize your self-consciousness.
  

  When you're creating a sensual environment, remember that it belongs to both of you. Always give yourselves the freedom to just say no to sex, but also remember that part of love is to be there for each other sometimes even when you'd rather be somewhere else. No one feels like making love all the time. Still, it is often those times when you least expect it that sex is the most exciting. Whether it is slow, romantic sex or quick and raunchy, when you're with someone whom you care deeply about, it is ' always making love.
  

  Chapter Three
  

  

  The Art of Kissing
  

  A KISS IS NEVER JUST A KISS
  

  "I'd always hated the way my husband kissed
  

  yet I didn't know how to show him how I wanted him to really kiss me. I couldn't believe the simple
  

  and loving technique you taught me to show him."
  

  FEMALE SEMINAR ATTENDEE, NEW YORK STOCKBROKER, AGE 36
  

  Kissing is where all sexual synergy starts. When your lips touch another's, it's the first sign, the first taste, of what is to come. At the same time, despite your mutual attraction to one another, if a kiss feels "off," it's difficult to not feel turned off. A married woman in a seminar told me that she doesn't like the way her husband kisses. I asked, "Then how can you go beyond that if you don't like to kiss?" She said, "We just don't kiss; we skip that part."
  

  I say, what a shame. Kissing is one of the best ways to get all the juices flowing. But as I listened to countless other women, I began to hear similar stories about their so-called "kissing dissatisfaction." Since then I have heard a number of women and men in my seminars describe their disappointment that kissing is no longer a part of their sexual relationships.
  

  Most of the time, they talk about how passionate their kisses used to be, when they lasted for hours and were the driving force for every sexual encounter. But over time, that passion has slipped away from them, and the kisses slowly decrease in both quantity and intensity. Exactly when the passion began to fade is never quite clear, but most women are at a loss as to how or if it can be regained.
  

  The good news is that the disappointment is not specific to men or women, but women tend to volunteer their feelings of disappointment, and men won't bring it up unless asked. But the fact remains, when kisses lose their heat, it is missed by both of you.
  

  Don't be under the misconception that he's no longer interested in kissing you passionately He may not be interested in talking about it, because men are not often comfortable in any discussion that allows their vulnerability to be seen. What men want is evidence that they turn you on. More than anything else, that's what turns them on. You can send that message in no uncertain terms by the way you kiss him.
  

  Secrets from Lou's Archive
  

  Men will often watch how a woman eats and drinks to get a sense of how she will kiss and make love. The more robust a woman's appetite, the more likely she'll be open and passionate.
  

  What is sadder than those who say they've lost the passion are 11w confessions from those who say they've never had it. To be spending time in a romantic relationship without experiencing the Me of a passionate kiss is unconscionable.
  

  Kissing is the essence of romance out of which passion emerges, and in an ongoing relationship, you deserve sensuality. Whether you're trying to create it or re-create it doesn't matter. No one else is more entitled to passion, regardless of age or length of time in a relationship, than you are. The only prerequisite for passion is a desire to have it.
  

  The History of Kissing
  

  Kissing just may be the greatest form of communication ever invented. According to one legend, the kiss was created by medieval knights for the ridiculous purpose of determining whether their wives had been nipping at the mead barrel while they were off crusading. Fortunately, kissing did not remain limited to alcohol detection. In the past, some young women believed babies were the result of a passionate kiss. (They had the right idea, of course, but they just didn't follow the thought to its biological conclusion.) Indeed, kissing not only survived, it has thrived, and for good reason.
  

  Secrets from Lou's Archive
  

  The word "kiss" comes from the 12th-century English word "cyssan," which refers to "wet, soul, or tongue."
  

  The more likely (and sweeter) explanation of the origin of the kiss extends back to the bond between mother and child when, before the invention of jars of baby food, mothers had to first chew food in order to give it to their child. The emotional connection that takes place here goes way beyond the giving and receiving of food. It's about peace and safety and a sensation of being exactly where each other belongs. The reason a baby often falls asleep at her mother's breast long after she's finished eating is that the feeling of lips on flesh is so comforting.
  

  Human lips not only contain sebaceous glands, they also are filled with extremely sensitive nerve endings. When these nerve endings come in contact with another person's lips or skin, the connection creates a language of its own. We all want to be fluent in lip language in order to send clear messages or receive them in the spirit with which they are intended. A kiss can be kind, empathetic, sympathetic, sad, final, cute, polite, invitational, passionate, ravaging, or aloof. If a picture is worth a thousand words, then a kiss is worth a billion. It can be used to deliver any kind of communication one desires, provided one is skilled in the art. And no kiss has ever been wasted—not even the kiss of death.
  

  For our purposes, however, I'm going to focus on those kisses given and received with the sole intention of stirring the embers of passion—before, during, and after lovemaking. It should never be forgotten that when it comes to romance, there are few tools available to us more powerful than the kiss. For that reason, you must be mindful of every kiss you give and every kiss you receive. Kisses send messages—especially in romance. Being mindful of your kisses simply means to be aware of the Language that is spoken at all times and to never allow your lips to speak anything other than the truth. And although kissing, just like loving, comes to us instinctively, both benefit greatly from instruction and practice.
  

  T hat Tingling F eeling
  

  In spite of what your darling mother may have told you, a "fresh" mouth is a good thing. If it sounds remedial to say that your mouth and breath should be clean before kissing, forgive me for stating the obvious. But we've all been in situations where either our partner's breath isn't nearly as desirable as he is, or we can sense that ours isn't. And it's not just breath. Food that has, for some reason, decided to remain outside the mouth, rather than join the rest of the party inside, may leave deleterious leftovers. That rebellious piece of spinach, that flamboyant bit of caviar, or the lone black bean that insists on making a spectacle of itself by adhering to your or his front-most tooth may also be a culprit. It's not the least bit cute and can be a real mood killer.
  

  But bad breath and food stuck in our teeth can happen to the best of us, and when they do, the only way to handle them is with kindness and humor, removing them as quickly as possible. No one should be made to feel badly about being human. On the other hand, if your lover's breath is a bit offensive say something. I know you wouldn't consider kissing somebody who didn't care if he offended you, so help him out. And be gracious when he does the same for you. These little problems are easy to fix and any momentary embarrassment can be quelled with, "And now my dear, you are perfect . . . once again."
  

  The following is a list of tips and suggestions I've picked up from clients on how to remedy or prevent these potential kiss stoppers:
  

• When brushing your teeth, don't forget to brush your tongue and the roof of your mouth. They are the repositories of had-breath germs and must be swept clean. Brushing these areas will keep your breath fresher for much longer.
  
• Collect those little bottles of mouthwash you get in hotels and keep one in every purse. You can also
  

purchase them in grocery and drugstores where they display travel and trial-size products.

• Never leave home without mints.
  
• Keep mints in a little box by the side of your bed. They're great for eliminating morning breath.
  
• When one of you eats spicy or strong foods, such as garlic or onion, you both should eat some. The smell isn't nearly as offensive when you've both consumed the same food, as your chemistries are better matched.
  
• Parsley is a great odor eater, so if it arrives as a garnish on your plate at a restaurant, take advantage of it. And don't forget to pick up a bunch at the grocery store when you're doing the cooking.
  
• If your lover's breath doesn't smell fresh, take a mint for yourself, and then offer one to him.
  
• Dental tape is three times more effective than dental floss. Keep a roll in your purse. If you're going to be somewhere without a purse, put a piece of tape in your bra or pocket. (Never use it while other people are watching.)
  
• An Oolit is a fairly new little gadget. It is a flexible, serrated plastic strip, used to scrape the entire tongue in order to remove odor-causing bacteria that remains on the tongue after brushing. You'll be amazed to find out what lingers there.
  
• Make a deal with your lover right from the get-go to do a quick check of each other's teeth upon completion of your meals for food that doesn't belong there.
  
  • Delicately touch your napkin to the sides of your mouth after every few bites, whether you think there's anything there or not—just to be safe. That is precisely what napkins are for.
    
  • If you see that your lover has a crumb or drop of something on his face or mouth, take your napkin and gently wipe it away. If you're not within comfortable wiping distance, tell him about it in a soft voice or give him a discreet little signal to wipe his mouth.
    
  • Excuse yourself to freshen up on your way out of a restaurant. It will give him an opportunity to do the same. At home, mention casually that you need to freshen up; make sure you have mouthwash and dental tape out where it can be seen so he doesn't have to look through your drawers or cabinets in order to make himself presentable.
    

    Lips Are Not J ust for Kissing
    

    I want to share a story with you about men and lips. For years one of my dearest male friends and I have volunteered on the AIDS ward at a Los Angeles hospital. Whenever possible, we would synchronize our breaks in order to get a snack together. During the summer months we usually opted for an ice cream cone. I remember once, fairly early on in our friendship, we were sitting outside eating our cones when he looked over and said, "Lou, you're gonna have to finish that up pretty quickly or this table we're sitting at is going to start rising off the ground." Knowing he didn't mean any harm, I burst into laughter and asked him why. He told me that men have a real thing about women and cones.
    

    Secrets from Lou's Archive
    

    Regarding lipstick, I offer this tip, which comes directly from men: less is definitely more. If you’re not sure, look in a mirror. If you wouldn't want to kiss your mouth, chances are he wouldn't want to either.
    

    Evidently ladies, whenever a man eyes a woman licking an ice cream cone, he imagines her doing the same thing to his penis.
    

    Secrets from Lou's Archive
    

    When you next drink anything in front of a man, let your tongue come out of your mouth just the tiniest bit, to cushion the edge of the glass or cup. I guarantee you'll get a reaction.
    

    Getting in Sync
    

    Several weeks later, we were driving in his car when we saw a girl crossing the street, licking and sucking on a cone, oblivious to anything else. My friend told me to watch the way the men around were looking. I was shocked. Every man at the intersection, as well as those stopped in their cars at the light, was mesmerized by this woman. They couldn't keep their eyes off her mouth! "Lou, let me tell you something," my friend said. “If there is a woman crossing the street eating an ice cream cone, she'll stop traffic."
    

    A professional woman from Florida told me this similar story. Not too long ago she and her boyfriend were getting ready to go out somewhere. She was doing a bit of last minute primping with lipstick while he waited patiently. She said something like, "Just trying to make them pretty so you'll want to kiss them, dear." He let out a laugh and said, "Kissing isn't exactly what I had in mind." As it turns out, it is also common knowledge among men that when they look at women's lips and find them appealing, they don't necessarily think about what we'd be like in kiss. And ladies, men have shared with me that they respond this way when watching a female newscaster. More than likely, their minds are focused on our lips touching something located further south on their bodies.
    

    At no other time is there more intention while kissing than during a romantic prelude. The key, as we discussed in Chapter 2, is to make that intention yours. Kissing is the beginning, middle, and end of incredible lovemaking. For that reason, its power should never be underestimated. If you and your lover are not connected to one another's kisses, there will always be limits to your passion. In order for your sexual spirits to be set free, it is absolutely essential that you kiss and be kissed in a manner that creates heat. An advertising executive from Chicago put it this way: "My boyfriend is a hot, hot kisser. A few minutes of that and I am ready. When he's on top of me and deeply inside, I feel his breath, his hot chest, and we're kissing—I feel loved, lusted for, and safe."
    

    Kissing, like so many elements of romance, is subjective. What one person likes isn't necessarily going to have the same effect on somebody else. That's very often the root of the trouble. A kiss that may have driven a previous lover crazy with desire could be turning your current lover off completely It isn't that he doesn't like to kiss, he just may not like to be kissed that way. Obviously, the same applies to you. If his kisses are turning you off, or leaving you less than turned on, it's a problem. The solution, however, is not as difficult as it seems. What doesn't work is to tell him his kisses don't do it for you. Need I mention the fragility of the male ego? What also doesn't work is to say and do nothing about the problem. If you don't let him know you need something different, he's not likely to give it to you.
    

    Secrets from Lou's Archive
    

    The most important thing you can do for your lips is to keep them soft and clean. A makeup artist I know recommends eye cream, as it absorbs better than regular lip salve.
    

    SHOW HIM HOW
    

    I he way to address the so-called "kissing problem" is to show him how you like to be kissed. By following these four steps, you could have your perfect kiss as early as tonight:
    

    1. Tell him how much you love to kiss.
       
    2. Kiss him the way you love to be kissed so he knows exactly what that feels like.
       
    3. Stop, pull back, and say to him, "Will you show me I how it feels to be kissed by me?"
       
    4. If he kisses you right, make sure he knows how much you enjoyed it and show him how very stimulated you feel. Men tend not to forget what gets them results. (If he didn't do it right, repeat steps 1-3 as many times as necessary.) Leave Him Breathless
       

       In spite of how differently each of us wants to be kissed, there are a few things I've heard over and over again from both men and women that bear repeating. These are tried-and-true techniques guaranteed to give you and your partner a great kiss:
       

       • Tight, closed lips are not associated with passion. No one likes to kiss a dead fish. If you really don't want to kiss, it's better not to do it at all than to do it without feeling.
         
       • When your lips touch his skin, he should be able to feel the inside rim of your lips, not just the outside. You can see what a difference this makes if you try it on your own hand.
         
       • Add your tongue intermittently at first, gradually increasing its involvement in each kiss. When kissing, make sure your tongue is not moving in and out of your mouth so quickly that it resembles a woodpecker. This is NOT a turn-on.
         
       • Men love to be kissed, nibbled, and nuzzled, but again, it's important to move slowly and explore every inch of his body like a newfound treasure.
         
       • Pretend you just finished brushing your teeth. Run your tongue along your teeth and gum lines as if you were checking to make sure they're clean and smooth. Do the exact same thing in his mouth while kissing (although you'll be using the underside of your tongue to do it), and see what kind of a reaction you get.
         
       • As things start to heat up and you move on to other elements of foreplay, you are likely to find yourself far from his lips. The lips are home base to sensuality, and wherever you roam, remember to go home. Think of kissing his lips as gunning his sexual engine. You need to keep it revved up.
         
       • GO SLOWLY. The more excited he gets, the faster he'll want to go. But don't forget it is these slow, mindful moves that got him excited to begin with. Don't rush or let him rush you.
         

         These tips are obviously best used during a long, romantic encounter. Fast, urgent sex can be as hot as sex that lasts for hours, and the rush of skipping the foreplay can be a total turn-on. But a slow buildup of intensity through kissing can create hat inexplicable synergy between you and your lover that, once experienced, will always remain.
         

         Secrets from Lou's Archive
         

         The man who doesn't like a tongue in his ear is rare, but the woman who does is rarer still.
         

         Kissing Hot Spots
         

       • Earlobes
         
       • Bellybuttons (you can tongue him here or suck as well)
         
       • Nipples, nipples, nipples
         
       • Toes and fingers
         
       • Backs of his knees
         
       • Base of his neck
         
       • Crook of his arm
         
       • Small of his back
         
       • Any area that rarely sees sunshine or is usually covered by clothes
         

         The Swirl
         

         Along with kissing, The Swirl is an outstanding way to rev up your man's engine. The idea was a result of a man who said, "Most men are only aware of a thin column down their bodies we think, eat, feel, have sex, etc., but we ignore the other areas of our bodies. Like the arms and our backs. Let women know we are dying to have them woken up—we just ignore them."
         

         Your partner will typically touch you the way he likes to be touched. For most men that tends to be a firm, direct touch to action spots. Women tend to touch more lightly and more tentatively. This makes sense as men's skin is thicker and denser than ours. To see how this feels try it on your own leg first—you'll need your leg as you'll be using both hands so your arm won't work.
         

         Step A
         : On the bare skin of your thigh, lightly scratch, using your nails, from your knee to your pubic hair in a straight line. Adjust pressure to your preference.
         

         Step B
         : Now, scratching over the same area, use a large wavy motion—be sure they are generous waves.
         

         In step A, what you'll likely feel (as will he) are the little nerves saying, "Oh, goodie, I'm next." In step B, your nerves will be saying, "Oh, my God, I hope I'm next."
         

         This can be done on any area of his body; legs, arms, head, neck—you choose. And, of course, lightly on his genitals.
         

         The best part is it can be done in public, obviously in a reserved form, with others being none the wiser.
         

         Secrets from Lou's Archive
         

         When French or soul kissing, be careful to avoid two things: 1) sucking too hard on his tongue; 2) making your tongue too pointy. Apparently it feels like kissing Woody Woodpecker.
         

         Types of Kisses
         

       • THE FRENCH KISS (OR SOUL KISSING)
         . Although tongue kissing is known in many cultures, the naming of this activity as a French Kiss is apparently from the British and Americans who attributed anything sexually liberated to the French. This is by far the most widely known kind of kiss. A good French kiss can last for hours. Indeed, I know of a contest in which a couple kissed for a straight twenty-four hours! Here, rhythm is everything. You need to alternate the rhythm, suck on his tongue, and move your tongue around.
         
       • THE ESKIMO KISS
         . This is really an olfactory kiss, preferable to other types of kisses in certain cultures. In an Eskimo kiss you rub cheek to cheek, or nose to nose, taking in each other's scent.
         
       • THE EYELASH KISS ( BUTTERFLY KISS)
         . This one's a very popular parent-to-child kiss. Your eyelashes are fluttered rapidly on the chosen body
         

         part—cheeks, lips, nipples. But one woman has remarked, "I love to catch my eyelashes on his chest hair."
         

       • THE DANCING KISS
         . This is a version of the Eskimo, cheek-to-cheek kiss, a quick embrace that you and your partner can do in the presence of others.
         
       • THE PROPRIETARY KISS
         . This is the type that your partner plants on you after you've been talking to that charming gentleman for over twenty minutes.
         
       • THE HAND KISS
         . This is a truly seductive move if done by the right man. Allowing his lips to linger on the inner part of your palm can certainly catch your interest.
         
       • THE LIP SUCKING KISS
         . Suck on the bottom part of your partner's lip and enjoy its full fleshiness. Avoid the upper lip: this may cause discomfort!
         
       • HICKEYS
         . Hickeys are usually an indication that someone is still in school, yet I am sure we all have one or two in our pasts: the reddish-brown bruises on our necks left by sucking are hard to forget.
         

         The Subtleties of Kissing
         

         If you were to keep score of all the kisses exchanged between you and your lover, no doubt you would discover that subtle kisses, as a rule, win more points than bold kisses. There is nothing more romantic than being taken by surprise with a short but meaningful little kiss on the back of the neck, the forehead, the nose, or the eyelids at a time when you least expect it. It is lovely to be interrupted while engaged in nonsexual activities such as working, watching television, gardening, grocery shopping, dancing, dining, housecleaning, or cooking with a brief reminder that you are loved. These special kisses are not only fun to give and receive, they also aren't as offensive to those who happen to be watching as so many public displays of affection are.
         

         The kiss that should never be overlooked, however, is the after kiss. Whether you've just spent an entire evening of passionate lovemaking or five minutes in the bathroom on an airplane, when the sex part is over, there must be an exchange of at least one sweet kiss. It can be planted on the lips, the cheek, the nose, the forehead, or the eyelid, but this tender after kiss is an expression of love. It may last only a mere second, yet it speaks volumes.
         

         From Post Office to Spin the Bottle, kissing games have long been considered romantic folderol. Here is a game that came up once in a seminar that has been played to the satisfaction of many. Both the kisser and the kissee begin with their eyes closed. It is the kisser's job to plant a kiss on the lips of the kissee without making skin contact anywhere else other than the kissee's lips. This game may sound easy, but you will be surprised how often a nose, cheek, or eye gets in the way. After a little practice, however, you will begin to feel the heat radiating off each other's faces and become aware of which facial features produce different types of warmth.
         

         There is no reason in the world why anyone should have to miss out on the pleasure of great sensual kissing. To kiss with abandon is to kiss freely and communicate all the subtlety and range of your feelings.
         

         Chapter Four
         

         

         Safety Is Essensual
         

         "There is no one more capable or responsible for taking care of you than you."
         

         LOU PAGET
         

         Dispelling the Myths
         

         My purpose here is not merely to provide you with information to help you be better in bed. The ultimate goal for all of us is to be smarter in bed. Mastering technique is just a small piece of the bigger picture. Knowing this information is one thing, knowing how to negotiate is another tool for safe sex. Admittedly, a chapter on the precautions and risk factors involved in sexual intimacy isn't as tantalizing as some of the other chapters might be. I would, however, advise you to read this one in its entirety before passing judgment. There is a little gem in store for you, and I guarantee you'll be eternally grateful, and so will your lover. Besides, it would be irresponsible of me, or anyone else, to offer advice on sexual interaction without discussing safety. These days, safety is essential. And I happen to think safe sex can also be essensual.
         

         Sex is often considered something cheap and dirty and immoral—especially for women. Sex isn't any of those things. Regardless of anyone's religious or moral beliefs, sex itself is not bad. We either have sex or end the human race.
         

         When, where, how, and with whom we have sex are individual choices. The only two things that ever make sex wrong is if it's entered into without absolute respect for ourselves and our partners, or without a full understanding of the possible consequences. We're talking about a life-creating, life-altering, and in some cases, life-ending act. I can't think of anything more worthy of our respect mid understanding.
         

         It wasn't too long ago that the term "safe sex" referred strictly to being kept safe from an unwanted pregnancy. Today when we hear the term, we immediately think of AIDS. There is no question that HIV (human immunodeficiency virus) and AIDS (acquired immunodeficiency syndrome) deserve every hit of the attention that they have received. AIDS can not only kill, but often strips people of all their hope, dignity, and quality of life in the process.
         

         However, there are several problems with thinking that safe sex is only necessary for protection against AIDS. First, since the media and the population at large tend to associate AIDS with homosexuality and intravenous drug use, and most of us do not fall into either category, we tend to distance ourselves from the very real risk of contracting HIV or AIDS. The fact is, the fastest growing risk groups for contracting HIV in the U.S. are straight women and their children. Furthermore, we tend to restrict our awareness of safe sex to the threat of AIDS when there are several very potent and dangerous sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) spreading rampantly, some of which are equally as life-threatening. I think we can all agree: a person who dies of cervical cancer or hepatitis isn't any less dead than a person who dies from AIDS-related complications.
         

         We have too much information easily available to be irresponsible about sex. Anyone unwilling to ensure his or
         

         her safety before entering a sexual relationship has no business being in one. There is nothing unkind, implied or otherwise, about insisting on safe sex until you know beyond a doubt that each of you is healthy Quite the contrary, it should be considered a display of honor. If you don't honor your health and well being, why would he? By the same token, if he's not willing to honor his health and well being, why would you?
         

         Secrets from Lou's Archive
         

         Many women develop bladder or vaginal infections when they become sexually active with a new partner. This is not at all surprising: you are introducing into the vagina new organisms from your partner's condom, semen, and skin and your body needs time to adjust.
         

         I know a woman, Elena, who, when she asked her potential lover if he had been tested, assured her that he had and that the test result was negative. Yet six months into their relationship, on the weekend they were moving in together, Elena was hospitalized with severe pulmonary distress and quickly diagnosed with HIV infection. In spite of what her boyfriend had told her, she learned that he had been positive for over two years and had infected both his ex-wife and a former girlfriend, in addition to Elena.
         

         You can't be too cautious.
         

         Finally, after all this time, and all the different ways to prevent them, unwanted pregnancies are still on the rise in this country. What this tells us is that as we become more sexual, we're also becoming less responsible, and there is simply no excuse for this neglect. Regardless of the fact that we can and should enjoy sex for other reasons besides procreation, anything serving such an important function should command the utmost respect from all of us. Mother Nature could have just as easily had us become pregnant by eating a certain kind of fruit or taking a certain type of pill. But she chose the intimacy of sexual relations as the way to propagate the species, and that's something we should never take for granted.
         

         The Facts About STDs
         

         Sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) can be contracted by anyone having unprotected sex. As a thirty-four-year-old woman said, "Hey, even though I've only been with low mileage guys, there's still a risk." You are not immune by virtue of your age, ethnicity, education, profession, or socioeconomic status. In fact, one in every fifteen Americans will contract a sexually transmitted disease this year and one in four Americans already has one. What further complicates matters is the fact that it is often difficult to tell who has an STD; many people who are infected look and feel fine and can be blissfully unaware they are infected. For women especially, many STDs have no obvious symptoms until there is already irreparable damage (this is true of Chlamydia, which I discuss below). Quite often women are not given the tragic news until they want to start a family and learn that an asymptomatic STD has robbed them of that right, unless they resort to assisted reproductive technologies, such as in vitro fertilization. Unfortunately the lack of knowledge about a disease does not prohibit one from passing it on to somebody else. If you have sex with someone who is carrying a sexually transmitted disease, you can get it, too.
         

         Remember, your eyes won't keep you sexually safe, your mind will.
         

         STDs can be spread through vaginal, oral, and anal sex. Some can also be spread through any contact between the penis, vagina, mouth, or anus, even without intercourse. Sexually transmitted diseases can be spread from man to woman, woman to man, man to man, and woman to woman. Several STDs can be spread from mother to child at birth or through breast milk. And, as you probably are already aware, sharing needles can spread STDs, such as HIV.
         

         There is only one way to be 100 percent sure you don't get a sexually transmitted disease: to remain abstinent. But for those of us interested in becoming sexually masterful that does seem a trifle unrealistic, does it not? Almost equally as safe, which we'll get into thoroughly in Chapter 6, is to give and receive pleasure solely by the use of the hands. Provided your hands have no open wounds, abrasions, or cracked skin, this form of sexual pleasure is virtually risk free, and with a bit of know-how and creativity, manual stimulation can be a most fulfilling form of sexual pleasure. Still, variety is the spice of life, and even the most exciting form of pleasure in exclusion of all others can become monotonous after a while. What we can do is make sex as safe as possible and dramatically reduce the risk of contracting an STD. Meeting a stranger's eyes across a crowded room and falling into bed with him without so much as an exchange of names is a scene best left for Fantasy Island. Responsible adults talk about sex beforehand. Until you've both tested negative for all sexually transmitted diseases and waited the appropriate incubation period to ensure a clean bill of health (without engaging in any risk behaviors, such as unprotected sex with another partner or IV drug use), you should agree up front to use condoms every single time you engage in vaginal, oral, or anal sex. Condoms are now available for men and women, so you should both carry some at all times, just in case. Even genital-to-genital contact without intercourse can transmit STDs such as HIV or syphilis. Foreplay involving any contact at all without condoms can be a problem.